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of his being with a number of ministers ; " and the day following, of his travelling part of the way towards NewYork, and lodging at a tavern. On Wednesday, he came to New-York. On Thursday, he rode near fifty miles, from New-York to North-Castle. On Friday, went to Danbury. On Saturday to New-Milford. On the Sabbath, he rode five or six miles to a place near Kent in Connecticut, called Scaticoke, and preached to a number of Indians.f. On Monday, being detained by the rain, he tarried at Kent. On Tuesday, he rode from Kent to Salisbury. Wednesday, he went to Sheffield. Thursday, March 31, he went to Mr Sergeant's at Stockbridge. He was dejected and very disconsolate, through the main of his journey from New-Jersey to Stockbridge; and especially on the last day his mind was overwhelmed with gloom and melancholy.]
PART V. From his first beginning to instruct the Indians at Kau
naumeek, to his Ordination. Friday, April 1, 1743. I rode to Kaunaumeek, near twenty miles from Stockbridge, where the Indians live,
* These ministers were the Correspondents, who now met at Wood. bridge, and gave Mr Brainerd new directions; and instead of sending him to the Indians at the Forks of Delaware, as before intended, they ordered him to go to a number of Indians at Kaunaumeek, a place in the province of New York, in the woods between Stockbridge and Albany. This alteration was occasioned by two things, viz. 1. Information that the correspondents had received of some contention now subsisting between the white people and the Indians at Delaware, concerning their lands, which they supposed would be a hindrance at present to their entertainment of a Missionary, and to his success among them. And, 2. Some intimations they had received from Mr Sergeant, Missionary to the Indians at Stockbridge, concerning the Indians at Kaunaumeek, and the hopeful prospect of success that a Missionary might have among them.
+ These were the same Indians that Mr Brainerd mentions in his diary, on August 12, the preceding year.
with whom I am concerned, and there lodged on a little heap of straw: was greatly exercised with inward trials and distresses all day; and in the evening, my heart was sunk, and I seemed to have no God to go to. Oh that God would help me!
[The next five days, he was for the most part in a dejected depressed state of mind, and sometimes extremely
He speaks of God's “ waves and billows rolling over his soul ;” and of his being ready sometimes to say, “ Surely his mercy is clean gone for ever, and he will be favourable no more ;” and says, the anguish he endured was nameless and inconceivable. But at the same time speaks thus concerning his distresses : “ What God designs by all my distresses I know not ; but this I know, I deserve them all, and thousands more..” He gives an account of the Indians kindly receiving him, and being seriously attentive to his instructions. ]
Thursday, April 7. Appeared to myself exceeding ignorant, helpless and unworthy, and altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me,
I should never do any service, or have any success among the Indians. My soul was weary of my life: I longed for death beyond
When I thought of any godly soul departed, I was ready to envy him his privilege, thinking, “ Oh, when will my turn come; must it be years first !” But I know, those ardent desires, at this and other times, rose partly for want of resignation to God under all miseries; and so were but expressions of impatience. Towards night, I had I think the exercise of faith in prayer, and some assistance in writing. Oh that God would keep me near him.
Friday, April 8. Was exceedingly pressed under a sense of my pride, selfishness, bitterness, and party spirit, in times past, while I attempted to promote the cause of God : its vile nature and dreadful consequence appeared in such odious colours to me, that my very heart was pained. I saw how poor souls stumbled over it into everlasting destruction, so that I was constrained to make that prayer in the bitterness of my soul: “ Oh Lord, deliver me from blood-guiltiness.” I saw my desert of hell
this account. My soul was full of inward anguish ånd shame before God, that I had spent so much time in conversation tending only to promote a party-spirit. I saw I had not suitably prized mortification, self-denial, resignation under all adversities, meekness, love, candour, and holiness of heart and life : and this day was almost wholly spent in such bitter and soul-afflicting reflections on my past frames and conduct. Of late, I have thought much of having the kingdom of Christ advanced in the world; but now I saw I had enough to do within myself. The Lord be merciful to me a sinner, and wash my soul.
Saturday, April 9. Remained much in the same state as yesterday, excepting that the sense of my vileness was not so quick and acute.
Lord's day, April 10. Rose early in the morning and walked out; spent considerable time in the woods, in prayer and meditation. Preached to the Indians, both forenoon and afternoon. They behaved soberly in general : two or three in particular appeared under some religious concern, with whom I discoursed privately; and one told
me, “ her heart had cried ever since she heard me preach first.”
Tuesday, April 12. Was greatly oppressed with grief and shame, reflecting on my past conduct, my bitterness and party-zeal. I was ashamed to think that such a wretch as I had ever preached. Longed to be excused from that work. And when my soul was not in anguish and keen distress, I was senseless “ as a beast before God," and felt a kind of guilty amusement with the least trifles. This filled me with a kind of stifled horror, so that I could not rest, any more than a condemned malefactor.
Wednesday, April 13. My heart was overwhelmed within me: I verily thought I was the meanest, vilest, most helpless, guilty, ignorant, benighted creature living. And yet I knew at the same time what God had done for my soul, though sometimes I was assaulted with doubts and fears, whether it was possible for such a wretch as I to be in a state of
grace. Thursday, April 14. Remained much in the same state as yesterday.
Friday, April 15. In the forenoon, very disconsolate. In tie afternoon, preached to my people, and was a little encouraged to hope that God might bestow mercy on their souls. Felt something resigned to God under all dispensations of his providence.
Saturday, April 16. Still in the depths of distress, In the afternoon, preached to my people, but was more discouraged with them than before; feared that nothing would ever be done for them to any good effect. I retired and poured out my soul to God for mercy; but without any sensible relief. Soon after came an Irishman and a Dutchman with a design, as they said, to hear me preach the next day ; but none can tell how I felt, to hear their profane talk. I longed that some dear Christian knew my distress. I got into a kind of hovel, and there groaned out my complaint to God. I felt some gratitude and thankfulness, that he had made me to differ from these men, as I knew through grace he had.
Lord's day, April 17. In the morning was again distressed as soon as I waked, hearing much talk about the world and the things of it. Though I perceived the men were in some measure afraid of me, and I discoursed about sanctifying the Sabbath, if possible, to solemnize their minds : yet when they were at a little distance, they again talked freely about secular affairs. Oh, I thought, what a hell it would be to live with such men to eternity! The Lord gave me some assistance in preaching, all day, and some resignation, and a small degree of comfort in prayer at night.
Tuesday, April 19. In the morning, enjoyed some sweet repose and rest in God; felt some strength and confidence in God; and my soul was in measure refreshed and comforted. Spent most of the day in writing, and had some exercise of grace; my soul seemed lifted above the deep waters, wherein it has been so long almost drowned. Felt some spiritual longings and breathings after God; found myself engaged for the advancement of Christ's kingdom in my own soul, more than in others, more than in the Heathen world,
Wednesday, April 20. Set apart this day for fasting
and prayer, to bow my soul before God for the bestow'ment of divine grace; especially that all my spiritual afflictions and inward distresses might be sanctified. Endeavoured also to remember the goodness of God to me in the year past, this day being my birth-day. Having obtained help of God, I have hitherto lived, and am now arrived at the age of twenty-five years. My soul was pained to think of my barrenness and deadness; that I have lived so little to the glory of the eternal God. I spent the day in the woods alone, and there poured out my complaint to God. Oh that he would enable me to live to his glory for the future.
Thursday, April 21. Spent the forenoon in reading and prayer, and found myself something engaged; but still much depressed in spirit under a sense of my vileness and unfitness for any public service. In the afternoon I visited my people, and prayed and conversed with some about their souls: I afterwards found some ardour in se cret prayer. Oh that I might grow up into the likeness of God
Friday, April 22. Spent the day in study, reading and prayer ; and felt a little relieved of my burden that has been so heavy of late. But still in some measure oppressed ; had a sense of barrenness; my leanness testifies against me. My very soul abhors itself for its unlikeness to God, its inactivity and sluggishness. When I have done all, alas, what an unprofitable servant am I! My soul groans to see the hours of the day roll away, because I do not fill them with spirituality and heavenly-minded
Yet I long they should speed their pace, to hasten me to my eternal home, where I may fill up all my moments, through eternity, for God and his glory.
[On Saturday and Lord's day, his melancholy again prevailed; he complains of his ignorance, stupidity and senselessness; while yet he seems to have spent his time with the utmost diligence, in study, in prayer, and in instructing and counselling the Indians. On Monday, he sunk into the deepest melancholy; so that he supposed he never spent a day in such distress in his life; not in fears of hell, (which, he says, he had no pressing fear of,) but