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made on the minds of many of the members of that college. And by all that I can learn concerning Mr Brainerd, there can be no reason to doubt but that he had much of God's gracious presence, and of the lively actings of true grace, at that time: but yet he was afterwards abundantly sensible, that his religious experiences and affections at that time were not free from a corrupt mixture, nor was his conduct to be acquitted from many things that were imprudent and blameable; which he greatly lamented himself, and was willing that others should forget, that none might make an ill improvement of such an example. And therefore although in the time of it, he kept a constant diary, containing a very particular account of what had passed from day to day, for the next thirteen months, from the latter end of January 1740-41, forementioned, in two small books, which he called the two first volumes of his diary, next following the account before given of his convictions, conversion, and consequent comforts; yet, when he lay on his death-bed, he gave orders unknown to me till after his death, that these two volumes should be destroyed ; and in the beginning of the third book of his diary, he wrote thus, by the hand of another, he not being able to write himself: “ The two preceding volumes, immediately following the account of the author's conversion, are lost. If any are desirous to know how the author lived, in general, during that space of time, let them read the first thirty pages of this volume; where they will find something of a specimen of his ordinary manner of living, through that whole space of time, which was about thirteen months ; excepting that here he was more refirred from some imprudences and indecent heats, than there; but the spirit of devotion running through the whole, was the same.
It could not be otherwise than that one whose heart had been so prepared and drawn to God, as Mr Brainerd's had been, should be mightily enlarged, animated, and engaged at the sight of such an alteration made in the college, the town and country; and so great an appearance of men's reforming their lives, and turning from their profaneness and immorality, to seriousness and concern for
their salvation, and of religion's reviving and flourishing almost every where. But as an intemperate imprudent zeal, and a degree of enthusiasm soon crept in, and min. gled itself with that revival of religion ; and so great and general an awakening being quite a new thing in the land, at least as to all the living inhabitants of it; neither people nor ministers had learned thoroughly to distinguish between solid religion and its delusive counterfeits ; even many ministers of the gospel, of long standing and the best reputation, were for a time overpowered with the glar. ing appearances of the latter : and therefore, surely it was not to be wondered at, that young Brainerd, who had not been long at college, should be so. He was not only young in years, but very young in religion and experience, and had but little opportunity for the study of divinity, and still less for observation of the circumstances and events of such an extraordinary state of things; a man must divest himself of all reason, to make a wonder of it. In these disadvantageous circumstances, Brainerd had the unhappiness to have a tincture of that intemperate, indiscreet zeal, which was at that time too prevalent ; and was led, from his high opinion of others that he looked upon better than himself, into such errors as were really contrary to the habitual temper of his mind. One instance of his misconduct at that time, gave great offence to the rulers of the college, even to that degree that they expelled him the society; which it is necessary should here be particularly related, with its circumstances.
In the time of the awakening at college, there were several religious students that associated themselves one with another for mutual conversation and assistance in spiri. tual things, who were wont freely to open themselves one to another, as special and intimate friends: Brainerd was one of this company. And it once happened, that he and two or three more of these his intimate friends were in the hall together, after Mr Whittelsey, one of the tutors, had been to prayer there with the scholars ; no other person now remaining in the hall, but Brainerd and these his companions. Mr Whittelsey having been unusually pathetic in his prayer, one of Brainerd's friends on this oc
casion asked him what he thought of Mr Whittelsey ; he made answer, “ He has no more grace than this chair." One of the freshmen happening at that that time to be near the hall, though not in the room, over-heard those words of his ; though he heard no name mentioned, and knew not who the person was, which was thus censured. He informed a certain woman that belonged to the town, withal telling her his own suspicion, viz. that he believed Brainerd said this of some one or other of the rulers of the college. Whereupon she went and informed the rector, who sent for this freshman and examined him ; and he told the rector the words that he heard Brainerd utter, and informed him who were in the room with him at that time. Upon which the rector sent for them : they were very backward to inform against their friend, of that which they looked upon as private conversation, and especially as none but they had heard or knew of whom he had uttered those words : yet the rector compelled them to declare what he said, and of whom he said it. Brainerd looked on himself greatly abused in the management of this affair ; and thought, that what he said in private, was injuriously extorted from his friends, and that then it was injuriously required of him, as it was wont to be of such as had been guilty of some open notorious crime, to make a public confession, and to humble himself before the whole college in the hall, for what he had said only in private conversation. He not complying with this demand, and haying gone once to the separate meeting at New Haven, when forbidden by the rector, and also having been accused by one person of saying concerning the rector, that he wondered he did not expect to drop down dead for fining the scholars who followed Mr Tennent to Milford, though there was no proof of it, and Mr Brainerd ever professed that he did not remember his saying any thing to that purpose ; for these things he was expelled the college.
Now, how far the circumstances and exigencies of that day might justify such great severity in the governors of the college, I will not undertake to determine ; it being my aim, not to bring reproach on the authority of the college, but only to do justice to the memory of a person, who I think to be eminently one of those whose memory is blessed. The reader will see, in the sequel of the story of Mr Brainerd's life, * what his own thoughts afterwards were of his behaviour in these things, and in how Christian a manner he conducted himself, with respect to this affair : though he ever as long as he lived, supposed himself much abused, in the management of it, and in what he suffered from it.
His expulsion was in the winter, anno 1741-2, while he was in his third year in college.]
From about the time that he first began to devote himself
more especially to the study of divinity, till he was examined and licensed to preach, by the Association of ministers belonging to the Eastern district of the county of
Fairfield in Connecticut. MR BRAINERD, the Spring after his expulsion, went to live with the Rev. Mr Mills of Ripton, to follow his studies with him, in order to his being fitted for the work of the ministry ; where he spent the greater part of the time till the Association licensed him to preach ; but frequently rode to visit the neighbouring ministers, particularly Mr Cooke of. Stratfield, Mr Graham of Southbury, and Mr Bellamy of Bethlehem.
Here (at Mr Mills's) he began the third book of his diary, in which the account he wrote of himself, is as follows:
* Particularly under the date, Wednesday, Sept. 14, 1743.
Thursday April 1, 1742. I seem to be declining with respect to my life and warmth in divine things; had not so free access to God in prayer of late as usual. Oh that God would humble me deeply in the dust before him! I deserve hell every day, for not loving my Lord more, who has, I trust,“ loved me, and given himself for me;" and every time I am enabled to exercise any grace renewedly, I am renewedly indebted to the God of all grace for special assistance. 66 Where then is boasta ing?” Surely “ it is excluded," when we think how we are dependent on God for the being and every act of grace. Oh, if ever I get to heaven, it will be because God will, and nothing else ; for I never did any thing of myself, but depart from God! My soul will be astonished at the unsearchable riches of divine grace, when I arrive at the mansions, which the blessed Saviour is gone before to prepare.
Friday, April 2. In the afternoon I felt somewhat happy in secret prayer, much resigned, calm, and serene. What are all the storms of this lower world, if Jesus by his Spirit does but come walking on the seas! Some time past, I had much pleasure in the prospect of the Heathen's being brought home to Christ, and desired that the Lord would employ me in that work :--but now my soul more frequently desires to die, to be with Christ. Oh that my soul were wrapt up in divine love, and my longing desires after God increased. In the evening, was refreshed in prayer, with the hopes of the advancement of Christ's kingdom in the world,
Saturday, April 3. Was very much amiss this morning, and had an ill night last night. I thought, if God would take me to himself now, my soul would exceedingly rejoice. Oh that I may be always humble and resigned to God, and that he would cause my soul to be more fixed on himself, that I may be more fitted both for doing and suffering !
Lord's day, April 4. My heart was wanderiug and lifeless. In the evening God gave me faith in prayer, and made my soul melt in some measure, and gave me to taste a divine sweetness. Blessed Lord! Let me climb