New-York and New-Jersey, but proceeded slowly; performing his journey under a great degree of bodily indisposition. However, he preached several times by the way, being urged by friends; in which he had considerable assistance. He speaks of comfort in conversation with Christian friends, from time to time, and of various things in the exercises and frames of his heart, that shew much of a divine influence on his mind in this journey: yet he complains of the thing that he feared, viz. a decline of his spiritual life, or vivacity in religion, by means of his constant removal from place to place, and want of retirement. He came to New-York on Wednesday, March 28; and to Elizabeth-Town on the Saturday following, where it seems he waited till the commissioners assembled.] Thursday, April 5. Was again much exercised with weakness and pain in my head. Attended on the commissioners' meeting. * Resolved to go on still with the Indian affair, if divine providence permitted; although I had before felt some inclination to go to East-Hampton, where I was solicited to go. † The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number, and Mr Brainerd having now been labouring among them about a year, and having prevailed upon them to be willing that he should leave Kaunaumeek, and remove to Stockbridge, to live constantly under Mr Sergeant's ministry; he thought he might now do more service for Christ among the Indians elsewhere. He therefore went this journey to New-Jersey to lay the matter before the commissioners who met at Elizabeth-Town on this occasion, and determined that he should forthwith leave Kaunaumeek, and go to the Delaware Indians. + By the invitations Mr Brainerd had lately received, it appears, that it was not from necessity, or for want of opportunities to settle in the ministry amongst the English, notwithstanding the disgrace he had been laid under at college, that he was determined to forsake all the outward comforts to be enjoyed in the English settlements, to go and spend his life among savages, and endure the difficulties and selfdenials of an Indian mission. Just as he was leaving Kaunaumeek, he had an earnest invitation to a settlement in East-Hampton, on Long-Island, the pleasantest town on the whole Island, and one of its largest and most wealthy parishes. The people there were unanimous in their desires to have him for their pastor, and for a long time continued in an earnest pursuit of what they desired, and were hardly brought to relinquish their endeavours and give up their hopes of ob taining him. Nor did Mr Brainerd choose the business of a missionary to the Indians, rather than accept of such invitations, because he [After this, he continued two or three days in the Jerseys, very ill, and then returned to New-York; from thence to New-England, and to his native town of Haddam; where he arrived on Saturday, April 14.Still he complains of the want of retirement, and while in New-York, says, "Oh, it is not the pleasures of the world can comfort me. If God deny his presence, what are the pleasures of the city to me? One hour of sweet retirement where God is, is better than the whole world." He continues to cry out of his ignorance, meanness and unworthiness; yet speaks of some seasons of special divine assistance. He spent some days among his friends at East-Hampton and Millington.] Tuesday, April 17. Rode to Millington again; felt perplexed when I set out; was feeble in body, and weak in faith. I was going to preach a lecture, and feared I should never have assistance enough to get through. But contriving to ride alone, at a distance from the company that was going, I spent the time in lifting up my heart to God: had not gone far before my soul was abundantly strengthened with those words: " If God be for us, who can be against us?" I went on, confiding in God and fearing nothing so much as self-confidence. In this frame I went to the house of God, and enjoyed some assistance. Afterwards felt the spirit of love and meekness in conversation with some friends. Then rode home to my brother's: and in the evening, singing hymns with friends, my soul seemed to melt. In prayer afterwards, I enjoyed the exercise of faith, and was enabled to be fervent in spirit; found more of God's presence than I have done any time in my late wearisome journey. Eternity appeared very near; my nature was was unacquainted with the difficulties and sufferings which attended such a service. He had had experience of these difficulties in summer and winter; having spent about a twelvemonth in a lonely desert among these savages, where he had gone through extreme hardships, and been the subject of a train of outward and inward sorrows, which were now fresh in his mind. Notwithstanding all these things, he chose still to go on with this business; and that although the place he was now going to, was at a still much greater distance from most of his friends and native land. very weak, and seemed ready to be dissolved; the sun declining, and the shadows of the evening drawing on apace. I longed to fill up the remaining moments all for God. Though my body was so feeble, and wearied with preaching, and much private conversation, yet I wanted to sit up all night to do something for God. To God, the giver of these refreshments, be glory for ever and ever. Amen. Wednesday, April 18. but little spiritual comfort. villing against original sin. Was very weak, and enjoyed to see the fountain of sin in himself! [After this, he visited several ministers in Connecti cut; and then travelled towards Kaunaumeek, and came to Mr Sergeant's at Stockbridge, Thursday April 26. He performed this journey in a very weak state of body, attended with his usual exercises of mind; at times rejoicing to think that so much more of his work was done, and he so much nearer to the eternal world.] Friday, April 27. Spent some time in visiting friends, and discoursing with my people, who were now moved down from their own place to Mr Sergeant's, and found them very glad to see me returned. Was exercised with a sense of my own unworthiness. Lord's day, April 29. Preached for Mr Sergeant, both parts of the day, from Rev. xiv. 4. Enjoyed some freedom, though not much spirituality. In the evening, my heart was in some measure lifted up in thankfulness to God for any assistance. Monday, April 30. Rode to Kaunaumeek, but was extremely ill; did not enjoy the comfort I hoped for in my own house. Tuesday, May 1. Having received new orders to go to a number of Indians on Delaware river in Pennsylvania, and my people here being mostly removed to Mr Sergeant's, I this day took all my clothes, books, &c. and disposed of them. I then set out for Delaware river, and made it in my way to return to Mr Sergeant's in the evening. Rode several hours in the rain through the howling wilderness, though in a state of feebleness and great affliction. [He continued at Stockbridge the next day; and on Thursday rode a little way to Sheffield, under a great degree of illness; but with encouragement and cheerfulness of mind amidst all his fatigues. On Friday, he rode to Salisbury, and continued there till after the Sabbath. He speaks of being refreshed in conversation with some Christian friends, about their heavenly home, and their journey thither: at other times he speaks of himself as exceedingly perplexed with barrenness and deadenss. On Monday he rode to Sharon, and still complains of the misimprovement of time. Tuesday, May 8. Set out from Sharon in Connecticut; travelled about forty-five miles to a place called the Fish-kit, and lodged there. While riding I spent much of my time in prayer, that God would go with me to Delaware. My heart sometimes was ready to sink with the thoughts of my work, and going alone in the wilderness, I knew not where; but still it was comfortable to think, that others of God's children had "wandered about in caves and dens of the earth;" and Abraham, when he was called to go forth, "went out, not knowing whither he went." Oh that I might follow after God. [The next day, he went forward on his journey; crossed Hudson's river, and went to Goshen in the Highlands; and so travelled across the woods, from Hudson's river to Delaware, about a hundred miles, through a de-. solate and hideous country, above New-Jersey; where were very few settlements. In this journey he suffered much fatigue and hardship. He visited some Indians in the way, and discoursed with them concerning Christianity. Was considerably melancholy and disconsolate, being alone in a strange wilderness. On Saturday, he came to a settlement of Irish and Dutch people, about twelve miles above the Forks of Delaware.] Lord's day, May 13. Rose early; felt very poorly after my long journey, and after being wet and fatigued. * A place so called in New-York government, near Hudson's river, on the west side of the river. + See Mr Brainerd's Narrative, in a letter to Mr Pemberton, at the end of his ordination sermon. : Was very melancholy; have scarce ever seen such a gloomy morning in my life there appeared to be no SabLath; the children were all at play; I a stranger in the wilderness, and knew not where to go; and all circumstances seemed to conspire to render my affairs dark and discouraging. Was disappointed respecting an interpreter, and heard that the Indians were much scattered. I mourned after the presence of God, and seemed like a creature banished from his sight; yet he was pleased to support my sinking soul, amidst all my sorrows; so that I never entertained any thought of quitting my business among the poor Indians; but was comforted to think, that death would ere long set me free from these disRode about three or four miles to the Irish people, where I found some that appeared sober and concerned about religion. My heart then began to be a little encouraged; went and preached, first to the Irish, and then to the Indians; and in the evening, was a little comforted. My soul seemed to rest on God and take courage: oh, that he would be my support and comforter in an evil world. tresses. Monday, May 14. Was very busy in some necessary studies. Felt myself loosened from the world: all appeared "vanity and vexation of spirit." Lonesome and disconsolate, I felt as if I was banished from all mankind, and bereaved of all that is pleasurable in life; but appeared to myself so vile and unworthy, that it seemed fitter for me to be here than any where else. Tuesday, May 15. Still much engaged in my studies, and enjoyed more health than for some time past: but was dejected in spirit with a sense of my meanness. It seemed as if I could never do any thing at all to any good purpose, by reason of ignorance and folly: oh that a sense of these things might work more habitual humility. Thursday, May 17. Was this day greatly distressed with a sense of my vileness; appeared to myself too bad to walk on God's earth, or to be treated with kindness by any of his creatures. God was pleased to let me see my inward pollution and corruption to such a degree, that I almost despaired of being made holy. "Oh wretched |
