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strained to cry out, What a sinner! quested my brother to read
a porWhat a wretch! What a beast am tion of God's word to me. He read I! How have I wandered from the a number of verses, until he came Lord, and been pleasing myself to a promise, that the Lord made with earthly things! Now the Lord to David concerning Solomon, that hath called my sin to remembrance, if he transgressed he would correct and given me to see, that in him is him, but his loving kindness he my help. How often and how sweet would not take away. This proly did these words of the Psalmist mise was set home to my mind. I pass through my mind : “God is a rested
upon it, as on the word of the very present helpin time of trouble.” eternal Jehovah, that could not fail. It appeared to me, that he is not only I fully believed, and do now bea help, but a very present help. Eve lieve, that if I sin, the Lord will ry word accorded with my feelings. bring sorrow upon me; but will not Before I had time to pray, the Lord let me live in sin, nor cast me off appeared for me, and gave me full at last. confidence in him; and I knew that I must not neglect to mention the it was the Lord, for no other God goodness of God in giving me pa
save after this sort. O how tience. The most I felt like regood it is to have God for
our God; pining was this: being alone one and to have access to him through day, I cast my eye around on my the blood of Jesus !
bed, and said to myself, what a During the operation of setting dreadful thing it is, to be here in my limb (which was very painful), this situation! But the thought had I was enabled to commit my case scarcely passed my mind, when it unto the Lord, and trust myself was succeeded by this: How dreadwith him. I endured much pain ful it would be, to be cast into hell! after the dressings were performed, I felt more than contented; I felt and a most violent inflammation thankful the Lord dealt in covetook place, so that gangrene was
nant love. daily expected.
No words can fully express the From the day that the bone was struggle I had, in giving up my chilbroken (Tuesday,) until the next dren. Oh! the thought that they Sabbath, I enjoyed a sacred near must be left motherless at that tenness to the Lord: no cloud passed der age! Five helpless children, my mind, no darkness, no doubt, no the eldest but nine, the youngest temptation. I could call God my not two years old: that they should portion, my rock, my hiding place, be left in an unfriendly world, a my friend, my all. I had (if I mis world that is hostile to religion : my take not) access to him every hour; heart was almost broken for them. my intercourse with Heaven was My sorrow respecting my hustruly sweet. If I lived, I thought band was alleviated, for I viewed it was well; if I died, it was well. the time to be short that should se. With the woman of Shunem I could
Soon we should meet say, all is well: but on the Sabbath in a better world, and sing purer before mentioned, my mind was dis praise to that God whom we had turbed a little, by means of a rela united in worshipping here below. tion coming to see me. I prayed After several trials, the Lord enathat it might not be: and the good bled me to give up the whole to him. Spirit was grieved, so that I had I saw plainly, that the Lord would not that comfort in prayer as be take care of them, without me, as fore. At this I was alarmed, for I well as with me, and that I, as well thought I could not live at a dis as they, am dependant on the Altance from God, in a time of dis
mighty. tress like this. I immediately re Now it was, that I needed the
support of the holy religion of the be so loud as to awake the sleeping suffering Saviour; for the world, dead. All ears shall hear, all eyes with all its busy scenes, all its shall see, for themselves. No unsmooth promises, had no attractions concerned person, no idle specta
My eye was fixed on eter tor shall then exist. Those that nity. I expressed my feelings to sleep in Christ shall be raised, fresh
watchers, when I said I and vigorous, like unto his glorious had not a tie upon earth. But the body. want of the enjoyment of temporal Paul, when speaking to the church things was more than made up in of the resurrection, says,
“ Comfort views of eternal realities. One one another with these words.” Imenight when my limb was in great
limb was in great | ditated on the time when all Christ's pain, my fever high, and my stay followers should arise. There would on earth appeared very short, I was be no want of limbs or activity. But much animated, and comforted, by what would crown all, Christ, the meditating upon the scene in which captain, would lead this innumerathe church shall be presented to the
company: He had given his life Father, with exceeding joy, all pure for them, and watched them through and spotless. My first idea was of their pilgrimage. Their hearts were the person who should present her. all his. They were all united in Christ will have this office to per placing the crown on his head. form; and he is worthy, for he spent What a glorious scene must this his life to work out a robe of right be! The day for which all other eousness for his people. He adopt- days were made! I think the haped them into his family, and made piness of those that have part in the them sons of God. The second first resurrection consists in their idea suggested to my mind, was of being cordial in the Saviour's intethe persons that should be present rest, in being like him, and in being ed; an innumerable multitude, that with him. should stand upon the heavenly Some time in October my husmount Zion, redeemed out of every band was violently seized with a nation, kindred and tongue under fever; he was brought to the sides heaven; clothed in white; all of one of the grave, and I was daily exheart and mind, to give glory to God pecting the angel of death to sumthe Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. mon my soul to the eternal world. They had been in Christ's school This was a strait place. My chilupon earth, and had come out of dren need father and mother both; great tribulation, having washed and to be deprived of both at once their robes, and made them white was more than I could well bear. in the blood of the Lamb. Now I thought of Jacob's strait, when methought there was great joy in about to meet his brother. He did heaven, for the bride, the Lamb's all that he could to provide for his wife, had made herself ready. The family, before he retired for prayer. Father smiled with joy ineffable, I agreed with one of their uncles to and was reconciled to me. The keep the children together, and then holy angels were delighted, for they had no resort but to a throne of saw more and more into the mys grace. I found, that I with my hustery of redemption. Every expand band had before given them up to ing soul was transported.
God; but now I must give them up At other times, in the midst of to God alone. This I was enabled my distress, I was comforted with to do with some confidence. Now, a view of the resurrection. On a in a strict sense, there was but a sudden all business and recreations step between me and death. I had should be arrested, by the sound of nothing to look forward to but eterthe archangel's trumpet, which shall nity. The goodness of God was
manifest in many things; especially it often occurred to my mind, that in disposing people to kindness. I knew the depths of Satan. He did This I hope to remember with gra not take away my earthly friends, titude, not only to the great Dis as in the case of Job, nor my hope poser of all events, but also to my in Christ; but cast into my mind neighbours and friends. About the such horrible suggestions, such blastime of public thanksgiving we were phemous thoughts, as it would be both of us better, so that we lay on imprudent for me to relate. I was our beds and took supper with our almost afraid to have any one vinchildren, who were all providen- |dicate the character of God in my tially at home. I never felt such hearing, for such hard things would emotions of gratitude on such an be thrown into my mind as would occasion before; for the lives and make me shudder. J did not feel health of our children had been condemned for these thoughts, as if continued, and it seemed likely they had been my own; for I abtheir father might be spared to them horred them, and myself on account if their mother was not.
of them. As far as I can judge, Another trouble awaited us which they served to rinse and cleanse we did not expect.
Our eldest son my heart, and at the same time fell and put his elbow out of joint, gave me to see that
heart was which was very troublesome for like a cage of unclean birds. All two months. Three of owr children the relief I could get was by crying were taken with a fever, and one of mightily to God. My agony was them was brought very low. Now so extreme, that I regarded not I think I can truly say I learned to company, time, nor place; but pourlive by faith, not by sight. Three ed out my complaints into the boothers of the family were sick som of my covenant keeping God of the same fever, one of whom with all my might; and if any askdied, apparently in the triumphs of ed me, why I prayed so, my answer faith.
We enjoyed the prayers, was, “It is the rack of nature.' conversation and singing of God's Even at this distance of time, it children, of different denominations.
fills my eyes with tears and my While the Lord afflicts with one heart with emotions which language hand, he supports with the other.
cannot express. We were cast down, but not de I asked some of my Christian stroyed.
friends if they thought it justifiable Soon after the first of March, my for me to pray for speedy dissolulimb grew much worse. At times tion. They thought I might not. the pain was excruciating, and so This tried my feelings very much, affected my nerves that I was al but in a short time
trouble was most beside myself. This, together so great, that I prayed almost inwith the quantity of opium which cessantly for speedy dissolution: it was necessary for me to use, left for I had not the least doubt but me but little time to be in a devo that it would be well with me after tional frame. I experienced more death. The first relief I gained was than ever before the hidings of while one of our neighbours was in God's face. I do not know that I prayer. I seemed to gain a little enjoyed any religious subjects for rest to my weary soul. This pasa length of time. It seemed to me sage of holy writ occurred to my as if Satan came against me with mind in a commanding manner; great power, knowing his time was Hold fast that thou hast. I felt this short. I knew how to mourn with to be from the good Spirit, and it Job. I thought then, and now think, greatly encouraged me to hope my my case was the most like Job's of sufferings would be short. This any person I ever knew or heard of. scripture was spoken with authori
ty, and caused the enemy to slack vere turn of distress, something like en his assaults in some measure. cramp, which proceeded from my For when those times of distress limb, gave me a little comfort, were coming on, this word was set thinking probably the next turn home with such power, as settled would put an end to my sufferings. my tossed mind in no small de When the cramp took me again, gree.
which was after a few days, I felt I decided about the second week calm, though not quite so rejoiced in March, to have
ampu as I expected. It increased while tated. And here I must not forget prayer was offered, so that my to notice the good hand of my
God breath seemed about to leave me. upon me; for all the time after my I beckoned to my nurse to raise me limb was broken till about this time, up. She did so; and I breathed the thought of having it cut off was more freely. I found that it was a distressing; but now I was made great thing to die, and thought I willing, and anticipated little or no would wait all the days of my ap: trouble about it. In February pre pointed time till my change should ceding, the physician that called oc come-would leave all my cares casionally to see me, hinted that with the Lord. I lived by the my limb could not be saved. This day. When the time was set for distressed me; for though I was the operation to be performed, I willing to die, I was not reconciled endeavoured to live above this to undergo the pain of amputation. world. I looked upon the day set I asked a minister of the gospel, if as the day in which I should prothe surgeon thought it necessary to bably enter into my rest. I hoped preserve life that my limb should and prayed that I might not disbe taken off, whether it would be grace my profession. Yet this sug. my duty to submit? He answered, gestion would follow me, that when The sixth commandment requires I came to the extreme part of the all lawful endeavours to preserve suffering, I should blaspheme. Not
own lives and the lives of that I so much regarded my own others. This, said I, is what meets name; for I had given that
but me in all my inquiries after duty; to wound the cause of Christ was but I had rather die, if I might have worse than death. I trusted that my choice; and if I submit to the
very many of God's children were operation, it will be from a convic
praying for me. I knew not why it tion that it is my duty. I asked a was, but my Christian acquaintance second minister, and received a si were much interested on my bemilar answer.
And now I had but half; and I doubt not that many one person more to ask, which was secret as well as public prayers the minister of the church with ascended to the throne of all which I then communed. He gave grace. me the same answer. This brought Saturday morning, twenty-eighth tears into my eyes. I told him I of March, ten physicians met in my thought it must be of God, for being room, and made all necessary preasked separately, all gave me the paration for amputating the limb. same in substance for answer. Now The
mind was my
mind was settled as to what the the great Physician above, who is Lord required of me. Still I hoped able to wound and to heal; whose the Lord would shorten my days in prerogative alone it is, to kill and an easier manner. I hoped the Lord to make alive. The Lord reigns, would say, Come up higher. How let the earth rejoice, was still my gladly would I obey! I would hail support. I can walk through death's death's sharpest pangs that brought darkest shade, if Christ be with me me on my way to God. After a se
there. I could say,
“Faith builds a bridge from this world to It must be sown by the Lord, and the next :"
will spring up, and be springing up and with one of the martyrs, when to all eternity. It is but of little going to the stake, “ 'Tis but wink
consequence what our lot is in this ing, and thou art in heaven.” Before world, if we enjoy this light. How the operation was commenced, feel pleasant was my meditation all that ing the need of prayer, I asked all day! The next morning I awoke present to pray with me, telling with another text upon my mind, them, that probably within an hour which afforded me sweet meditaI should be above hearing prayer
tion. and bearing pain. They all refused On Wednesday morning this text except my husband. After he had
met my waking thoughts: “ Fear concluded, I thought soon might not, little flock; it is the Father's praver be changed into praise. This good pleasure to give you the kingmay be the last prayer I shall hear dom." This was replete with rich while on the shores of time, except
instruction. Fear not ;-How kind, what might be extorted from me by how tender is our heavenly Parent, the pangs of expiring nature. notwithstanding all our wander
Jesus was kind to me in this hour ings. Fear not, little flock ;-a litof distress. And though the temp tle flock, truly, when compared with ter said, “Now you are going to the multitude that know not God. blaspheme,” yet I believe I did not; But though they are small in numfor I cannot tell all I did say. My bers, they are assured the gates of distress while taking up the arte hell shall not prevail against them. ries was great, and no one would It is the Father's good pleasure, as tell me what I did say. My mind well as the Son's, that they should was remarkably held up. The Lord receive the kingdom. The Father have all the praise. I was not dis is reconciled to men. This is a couraged nor faint in my mind. The theme which might well employ an operation was performed a little angel's tongue. If we have a kingbefore noon. After the physicians dom, we shall reign-reign over sin, were all gone, the blood started and Satan, and the world, and all from one of the arteries. Now I trouble. thought death in a few moments At evening I grew distressed, so would close the scene. Truly death that for the first time I thought I is the king of terrors.
I do not
was actually dying. It caused a know that I felt unwilling to go, little tremor, but I did not mention yet the apprehension that the grim my apprehension to any one; for I messenger had already arrived, thought I would first attend to the caused a little tremor at first, which business myself. I looked around soon subsided into a calm resigna me to see what my evidences were, tion. It is the Lord. This artery and thought "if I have never given providentially stopped of itself. myself to God aright, 'tis time I The surgeon soon returned. In a had; and if I have, 'tis safe to do it few minutes after his return ano again;" and therefore I gave myther artery burst. This did not dis self up to God, through Christ, that tress me. Living or dying, all is new and living way. I saw the way, well. The doctor stopped this, and of salvation as plain as ever I saw sat by me a considerable time; and any thing, and believe all might see when he left me, the heavenly, the it and come to God, if they would. best of all Physicians, did not leave Fearing I might forget this surrenme. Next morning, being. Sabbath, der, I spoke aloud, “Let me reat the breaking of the day I awoke member I am no more my own.
I with these lines upon my mind: have just given myself away.” Then “ Light is sown for the righteous.' I began to ask, Who has chosen the