PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. MONDAY, July 12. With the thermometer at 120° in Wimbledon Camp, and with the ink drying up in the pen on its way from the inkstand to the paper, Mr. Punch shows a fortitude equal to that of the Early Christians, to whom the BISHOP OF PETERBOROUGH likened the Volunteers, in writing any Essence at all. He by no means pledges himself to finish it; but if, with the aid of copious draughts of iced Vichy water, he should be enabled to do this, so much the better for a sweltering universe. He only hopes that nothing will occur to irritate him while at his work, as he declines being responsible for his actions in such circumstances.

Now, to polish off this Irish Church business in the Lords. PRINCE ARTHUR came and sat among the Peeresses, and PRINCESS LOUISE came and sat by him.

Lord Clancarty. Reject the Bill altogether. The Coronation Oath-
Symptoms of throwing things at Lord Clancarty.

Lord Lurgan. A good Bill. No fear of religion being supplanted by Popery. We Episcopalians are too much in earnest to let Protestantism fail for want of funds.

Lord Derby. My objections to the Bill are not altered by the Amendments; but send down the Bill, and let the Ministers take the responsibility of refusing 'em.

Lord Lyttelton. The Bill is wise and just. There is a great change of opinion as to Concurrent Endowment, and I should be glad to see it. Lord Leitrim. We have heard very good speeches, and if you were a spouting club, you should have my plaudit. But eloquence is one thing, honour another. You've all taken oaths to preserve our institutions. Bother the other House.

Bishop of Tuam. Cheese-paring, cruel to Curates.

Lord Clancarty. Blessed if I take the trouble of dividing. There! Lord Derby. A lot of us want to Protest. Will you give us till Thursday?

Lord Granville. With all the pleasure in life. Protest, and-but you all know that story of LORD ELLENBOROUGH?

The Lord Chancellor. THAT THIS BILL DO PASS ?

Lord Devon. I think, you know, after all, that it is no good enacting that the Irish prelates shall keep their seats here. It's preserving Ascendency.

Lord Redesdale. Not as Bishops, but as Peers.

Lord Penzance. Don't you see that their baronies are their franchise, and if you destroy the bishoprics they have no representative rights? They have nothing to sit upon.

Lord Punch. Well, their characters are very angelic, I am sure, but they are not cherubim. ("Throw him out of window!") Archbishop Tait. It ought to be managed for them somehow, though. Call 'em Bishops of the Disestablished Church.

Lord De Grey. No, no. We can't make Rotatory Life Peers. Lord Punch. That would not be good for the common wheel. ("Will you shut up?")

Lord Cairns. The plan may be an anomaly, but so is the whole Bill. Lord Punch. An anomaly, my dear Lords, means an irregularity, a departing from ordinary law. It is derived- (Savage tumult.) 1 move the adjournment of the House to this day eight months. (He is carried out of the Chamber, but runs round, and pops in from behind the Throne.) Here we are again!

Lord Cairns. I was going to say, when interrupted, I am sure with the best intentions, by my noble and learned friendLord Punch. You're another!

Lord Cairns. To say that the Bishops do not sit for baronies, but by Express Parliamentary

Lord Punch. Can't be Express and Parliamentary too. Can it, SALISBURY-you understand railways?

Lord Cairns. Provision, and are appointed by the QUEEN. Lord Punch (to the Princess). Your Mamma, my dear. Lord Carnarvon. LORD DEVON's amendment is for the good of the Church.

Lord Chancellor. They will have no function here, and had better not be withdrawn from their dioceses.

Lord Stanhope. I wish to give your Lordships an opportunity of reconsidering your decision about refusing houses to Catholic priests and Presbyterian ministers. PITT wanted to give them. SIR G. C. LEWIS said that in Ireland improvement must begin from above, not below. If we give houses to one faith, we must give them to all. The Catholics would like them. At present the Bill does not send peace, but a sword. Lord Houghton. The measure has the merit of leaving no vested interest unprovided for. Its effect will be small. But we ought to conciliate the Irish, and I think this clause almost more important than the whole Bill. I have spoken to some of the highest Roman prelates, and I know it will not be unwelcome.

Duke of Somerset. I must say that this Bill is a most disagreeable operation

Lord Punch. And yet you don't like it, eh? (“ Order!") I didn't come in with an order. I paid like a man. (Roars of laughter.)

Duke of Somerset. As to calling this a Liberal measure, when it appeals to every sectarian prejudice, bah! And there's MR. GLADSTONE, once the foremost champion of the Church, now her deadly enemy. He's like Coriolanus. The three Commissioners, Minos, Eacus, and RhadamanthusLord Punch. Do you know where they sat? (The Duke takes the hint.) Lord Kimberley. MR. GLADSTONE's true statesmanship is shown by what the noble Duke complains of. PITT's scheme was quite different -he wanted to get a State hold on the Catholic Church.

Lord Granard. I assert that we Catholics are not for the scheme. We can provide for our own clergy, and we do.

Duke of Leinster. I have given a house to a priest, a manse to a minister, and a parsonage to a clergyman, and all live in peace and amity. (Lord Punch. Bravo, Augustus! Crom a Boo!")

Lord Dunraven. The Catholics are disappointed with the Bill. It re-endows the Protestant Church.

Lord Harrowby. Here you go. Accepting the Bill in obedience to what you call popular opinion, and now sticking in a clause in utter defiance thereof.

Lord Russell. The scheme promotes real equality.

Lord Westbury. The public don't understand the question enough to form an opinion on it. There is no sin in endowing the religion on which nineteen-twentieths of the Christian world depend for salvation. Will you deal damnation round Europe? I pray you pass this clause. Lord Granville. I protest against it, though I am pleased to see this quite new liberality towards Catholics. All parties and all churches in Ireland oppose Concurrent Endowment. Neither the Government, the Commons, nor the country will accept this plan.

Lord Cairns. No. It won't wash.

Lord Denbigh. I said our Prelates would not have it. I was wrong. Lord Denman. I rise-(Shouts of discontent.) Then I sit down.

Lord Stanhope's Amendment carried by 121 to 114.

Lord Punch. We are Seven, my old cockalorum tibbies.

THE IRISH CHURCH BILL THEN PASSED THE LORDS. The LORD CHANCELLOR begged leave to call the attention of their Lordships to the disgraceful conduct of the noble Lord who had last spoken. With a levity totally opposed to the temper in which

Lord Punch. Levity is the soul of wit. I move this House do now adjourn. What do you mean by levity? All this is a solemn farce, and on Thursday GLADSTONE will knock out every Amendment you've stuck into the Bill, except, I suppose, that Half-Million. Let's go to bed-it's nearly midnight. What doth levity out of his bed at midnight? I'm awfully glad the business is done.

Loud and universal cheering.

Friday. The same process was resumed, and to the same result. All the rest of the Lords' Amendments were rejected. There was good speaking by the leaders, who got excited from their sheer weariness, as MR. BRIGHT said. MR. DISRAELI again deplored the conduct of Ministers, and MR. GLADSTONE defended it, and the Bill, which he prophesied would be the religious regeneration of the Church. A Committee was appointed to draw up the Commons' reasons for disagreeing with the Lords, and the latter sat (talking about the discomforts of their House, miserable reporting, now improved, and other things) until the Irish Bill and Reasons could arrive. They entered at about half-past one in the morning, and the debate was fixed for the following Tuesday. So much for the Beginning of the End. "Would 'twere grouse-time, Hal, and all well.”

MR. PUNCH deals en bloc-sitting on a block of ice from Wenham Lake, which is in Norway-with the rest of the Parliamentary work of the week. Supply-very likely the public will get a road through Kensington Palace Gardens, for carriages-Contagious Diseases-Bill for treating the Land of Intestates as other property is treated. On this, MR. BERESFORD HOPE announced the ingenious doctrine that land in England was becoming less and less a thing thought of as a source of wealth, which could be obtained so much more easily from other quarters, but as a thing to be got as a means to a social position, and to do good to the poor. Any estate-the larger the better-that MR. HOPE will settle on Mr. Punch, on the above understanding, will be accepted. The Lords, having done with the Disendowed Churches, went at the Endowed Schools.

APPLE-SAUCE FOR THE GUN-CLUB.

IN answer to an objection against pigeon-shooting, that amusement is argued to be not more cruel than game-shooting. Undoubtedly; and if game-shooting means a battue, pigeon-shooting is no less sportsman-like. But then dog-fighting and cock-fighting, in point of cruelty to animals, do not at all exceed pigeon-shooting; on the contrary, it exceeds them, for dogs delight to bark and bite, and it is the nature of gamecocks to be still fonder of fighting, by which, therefore, they please themselves as well as afford pleasure to their spectators; whereas, for pigeons, being shot is no fun at all. Much the same may be said of bear-baiting, badger-baiting, and bull-baiting, as of cock-fighting and dog-fighting, and, when you consider apple-sauce with relation to Michaelmas-day, you will see that in the lawfulness of pigeon-shooting, revive those old English sports and pastimes, so as to be, for diversion, the Roughs have certainly a just ground for demanding the liberty to on a par with the Swells.

EPISCOPAL BRAINS GAUGE.

is "not intended to effect by any compulsory proceeding whatever the THE LORD CHANCELLOR says that the Resignation of Bishops Bill British Public, which regards Bishops with that loving reverence reresignation of any Bishop." This statement must be reassuring to the markable as a peculiar feature of the commercial mind. For if the retirement of incapacitated Bishops were to be made compulsory on proof of their incapacity, then the question would be, how that could be proved; and perhaps the House of Commons would decide that all Bishops over a certain age should be liable to be called upon to show themselves in possession of their faculties by chopping sticks and counting hobnails.

Spiritualism.

THE Manchester Examiner ends its account of a ghost in a hotel in that city as follows:-" Meanwhile the house is nightly crowded by hundreds of visitors, who, excited by curiosity, thirst of knowledge, or other desire, have been exorbitant in their demand for spirits, to the no small profit of the landlord." What insatiable people not to be satisfied with one spirit!

A SLIGHT CONFUSION.

"A DELIGHTED Evangelical" is decidedly mistaken. It is the Deputy Keeper of the Records, not the Editor of the Record, who has been knighted.

CUPID'S CHEAP TELEGRAMS.

Fa surety, when the Telegraphs Bill shall have become law, the charge for telegrams having been reduced to a moderate figure, then, as the Times observes, one great advantage, to be anticipated from cheap and extended telegraphic communication" will be "to diminish the ever-increasing burden of letterwriting." It is possible, indeed, that letter-writing will ultimately be altogether superseded, so that even lovers will correspond, or at least that suitors will transmit their declarations, and passionate and sentimental effusions by the penny post no longer, but by the sixpenny wire. Now this they will probably have to do in messages of twenty words each, which will necessitate a condensation whereof examples will in good time occur in the course of actions for breach of promise of marriage, telegrams having been substituted for the amatory epistles at present commonly produced in Court as evidence against the defendant, which that fool has furnished himself. Here is one of them, read in Court at Reading, according to law report, "with much unction by DR. KENEALY" :

"My darling LIZZIE, On this charming day, when heaven seems, by the warmth of its caresses, to make love to earth, I must confess I am not cold to such a delicious inspiration, and I conjure up for my contemplation and charm your lovely image-funny little nose, bright blue eyes, a complextion (sic) of roses and lilies, and a mouth so mutine (sic) and tempting that a man would suffer a great punishment to get one little kiss. It must be wrong to care for a girl whose attractions are so manifold, and a man must have something in him who barrs (sic) every one else from attempting a progress which he can only see with sorrow. Write to me, little Pettie. Au revoir, BAB. A.V."

Had the Post been superseded by the Electric Telegraph, "A. V." might perhaps have epitomised his ideas as above imparted to his darling LIZZIE and BAB" in sentences abridged, but also embellished, somewhat thus:

66

Blazing hot day. Heaven making love to Earth. A. V. sends ditto to L.

Tootsicums. Kicksy-wicksy. Kiddlums Kiddlums Kiddlums. Funny little nose.

Conjure up lovely image. Bright blue eyes too. Also rose and lily complextion, and mutine mouth. Popalorum Tibby blows a kiss. Ducky-dovey. Love you to idiocy. Feel self growing imbecile. Man who barrs every one else from attempting a progress which he can only see with sorrow must have something in him. Au revoir, Bab. Excuse nonsense. Doody.

It is possible, however, that though love-telegrams will be sententious, the words employed in them will often be, singly, even still longer and finer than those which men who write love-letters, generally containing poetry, now, most of them, use. Because, though a message at a given sum may be limited to a certain number of words, there will probably be no limitation of the letters constituting each word. Erotic telegrams, therefore, will very frequently perhaps be couched in terms as turgid as those of a Popish pastoral, or the highflown letter which the parish-clerk in Peregrine Pickle writes to replace Peregrine's to his lady-love, lost by Tom Pipes. Here arises a question whether the compound words of a Germanised telegram, proposed as single words, ought to count as such-whether, for example, everdearestgirl," word of five syllables, would be fair. It remains to be seen whether cheap electro-telegraphy will much lighten the labours of the postman on Valentine's Day.

Forage at Wimbledon.

THE fine weather which we have had for the last two weeks has been favourable to the Camp on Wimbledon Common in all respects but one. Mushrooms are good things, and they commonly spring up on Commons, but moisture is necessary to their development, and the encamped Volunteers have missed the repasts which, if their Camp had been less dry, might have been afforded them by the Agaricus campestris.

A Shocking Solecism.

A TELEGRAM from Lisbon says:

"The vines are extensively dilapidated."

Hey? The time of grapes is not yet; and how can vines be dilapidated except as to grapestones?

DRAWBACK ON DINNER.

(A Song of the Whitebait Season.) GIVE me an English dinner-plain Substantial roast and boiled for me; French toys and kickshaws I disdain,' Says many a man, and no fool he. Soup, fish, and joint, if all correct, May mean about the best of food; Turtle and venison, recollect,

And salmon likewise, may include. But condiments, in measures vast, By Britons ever in demand, At boards convivial, to be passed

Make you require the cruet-stand: Which you must call that JOHN may bring; Or else disturb your neighbour to:

Then unto him you do the thing
You would not that he did to you.

Ah, there's the rub we all do feel!
And ev'n the best of friends must own
That, to enjoy a British meal,

He who would dine, should dine alone.

So, if you not alone would eat,
But food and conversation share,
Around that festive table meet

Whose viands skilful chefs prepare.

There none cry" Hand the mustard, please,"
Domestic dinners' constant fault,

Or, what's most true when you want ease,
I'll trouble you to pass the salt."

Yon take your dishes as they come,
With their ingredients nought combine;
But, if you dare to sin as some,

Mix also, sugar with your wine.
Rump-steak, potatoes, bread, stewed-cheese,
A pint of ale, a go of rack,
At times on such good things as these,
For want of better, one falls back.

Of better, what's perhaps the best
Is, that you need not shout and roar
For waiters; or your fellow-guest
Be, things to hand, bored by, or bore.
Sauces have no man plagued to reach;
Let every native board be crowned
With mustards, peppers, salts, one each,
Vinegar, and the rest, all round,

HRUMNK!

THE LONDON AND BARKING BANK.

MR. WILLIAM HOPE is said by a contemporary to have "stated in evidence that he believed the metropolitan sewage could be utilised at a fabulous profit." So probably thinks the Metropolitan Board of Works, for it prefers obstructing the channel of the Thames, and poisoning the Barking people, with the sewage of London, to endeavouring to convert it to any use. Let us hope that the profit which might be derived from all that amount of matter, adapted for deposition in the right place instead of the wrong would prove to be real, and not fabulous. For then the stuff now accumulating day by day in a morbific mud-bank off Barking, would by the chemistry of nature, be continually transmuted into a proportionate quantity of bread, potatoes, and pasture; thus, instead of undergoing slow and ever pestiferous decomposition, being rapidly reconverted into esculent forms.

THE THIRD ATLANTIC CABLE LAID.

(Between Minou, in the Bay of Biscay, and St. Pierre in Newfoundland) July 14, 1869.

ANOTHER tie completed of the Old World and the New!
Another path of lightning laid beneath the Atlantic blue!
Another nerve-cord throbbing 'twixt the young heart of the West,
And the various life that stirreth under Europe's ancient breast!

We have read, yet scarcely heeded, the reports from day to day,
As Great Ship and Great Cable measured their watery way:

LET WELLS ALONE.

MR. PUNCH had, somehow, fancied that there was a good rule in reference to public appointments. The first thing is to get the best man. If the best man is to be found among the natives of the country whom the public servant is to serve, and who are to pay him, take that native. If not, take the best foreigner you can get. But, of course, this rule does not hold good when the appointment is in England, and a German wants it. If it did, Mr. Punch fancies that at the present moment the name of the Librarian at the India Office would be WELLS, and not that of the doubtless well qualified German gentleman to whom the DUKE OF ARGYLL has given the place. An Oriental scholar was

act,

That what was last year's marvel is this year's familiar fact.

And a small thing now it seems to us, that, from Brest to Newfoundland,

London and Paris and New York, through a hemp and copper band, By the twinkle of a lamp, and the quiver of a wire,

Hold interchange of words and wills, like gossips by the fire!

Is this for good or evil? tends it to peace or war,

This bringing those so near whom Heaven has set apart so far? Sure for use of more than markets, ebb and flow of more than gold,

Thus Time and Space are conquered, and the severing sea controlled.

Is not our sordid purpose shaped to issues past our ken,
By the mysterious power that rules the destinies of men?
Are not these buried cables, these wires of speech and thought,
The warp and woof whereof the web of the wide future's wrought?

We may ask we cannot answer: deep, as in Ocean's breast,
The unseen wires whose unseen fires flash betwixt East and West,
Lie hidden, in the awful depths of the Almighty will,
The secrets of the future, and the ends of good and ill.

King's College, London, who was the only man that could talk to the SULTAN, when here, in his own tongue, whose acquaintance with Arabic is of the most intimate sort, and who has written admirably both in Oriental languages and about Oriental topics, might have very properly been selected, but his claim was necessarily rejected because a German gentleman was in the field. Germany is an Oriental region also, which is an equally good reason for the choice. We are glad MR. WELLS has been passed over, because he will have the more leisure to give us other delightful stories like "Mehemet the Kurd."

A Change for Old Ireland.

MAY HOPE (not BERESFORD) turn out to have told no flattering tale to the RIGHT REV. SAMUEL, Bishop of Oxford, when she said that to him which made him say to the Lords, in the Irish Church Bill debate, that he was "hopeful of a great resurrection in Ireland." A resurrection will be a great improvement on insurrections.

A PLEASANT COMPANION FOR MONTHS TO COME.-We are glad to see a new pastoral story, "The Vicar of Bullhampton," by ANTHONY TROLLOPE, illustrated too with WOODS cuts.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-JULY 24, 1869.

EASING THE CURB.

EMPEROR NAPOLEON. "HAVE NO FEAR, MY DEARS! I SHALL JUST DROP ZE CURB A LEETEL."