FRANCE. "WHAT AM I TO DO WITH MY IRRECONCILABLES?"" BRITANNIA. "I KNOW PERFECTLY WELL, MY DEAR, WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH MINE!" MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. WE find a café in an open sort of square. I call for the carte. CHILVERN makes some joke about cart and horse, something about eating horse-cutlets. Happy Thought.- Stop his English, by telling him that it's dangerous to talk it when every one understands, though they don't speak it. Que désirez-vous?" I ask CHILVERN, in an offWaiter attends. hand manner. 66 66 Happy Thought.-Garçon thinks I'm a Frenchman. [On considering this question at night quietly, CHILVERN says, "That the feeling is snobbish." "Snobbish!" I retort, "Yes," he replies, A fellow's a snob who wishes to be considered anything better or worse than he really is." Wish I'd never lent him any money. This is a note at the end of the day. Ever since he's become bound to me he's been disagreeable.] CHILVERN says, laughing, as if it was the greatest joke in the world, "Ask the cove if he's got some roast beef and plum pudding." I hate this sort of thing. I tell CHILVERN So afterwards. Hate calling a waiter "a cove," and asking for plum-pudding in the middle of the day. He wouldn't do it if he was in England. Happy Thought.-Not express disgust publicly before waiters in café, but smile as if I was tolerating a drôle. Happy Thought.-Call CHILVERN in French a polisson. Garçon smiles. Wee, let's have some of that," thinking I'd CHILVERN replies, spoken of fish. The waiter here asks me a long question in rapid French. Haven't an idea what he means. Happy Thought.- Won't tell CHILVERN that I don't understand him. Consider for a few seconds, then reply, in French," Yes, but make haste." Garçon says something, and hurries off. Wonder what the dickens I've agreed to? Wonder what this will result in.. CHILVERN asks me, "What did the waiter say?" Happy Thought.-To answer, Oh, only something about what we are going to have." CHILVERN presses to know what we are going to have. Happy Thought.-To say, slily, You'll see." So shall I, for at this minute I haven't a notion what I've ordered, by saying, "Yes; but make haste" to the waiter. Happy Thought.-1 shall find out soon, though; and then if I don't like it, won't do it again. Just coming from England, one's out of practice at these things. While CHILVERN and myself are waiting for our déjeuner, I begin to feel the rolling of the vessel again. I remark this as very curious to CHILVERN. Curious," perhaps, I think to myself, is hardly the word. CHILVERN observes (also carelessly) that he is experiencing the same sensation. We look at one another-we know what we mean. Begin to fear we shan't enjoy lunch. Wonder what I've ordered by saying "oui" to the garçon. Here he comes. Voilà. Three little dishes,-sardines, butter, and radishes. Happy Thought.-Hors d'oeuvres. CHILVERN asks which are hors d'oeuvres. I explain to him. He at once commences with a sardine and bread-and-butter. I tell him, to encourage him in foreign manners, that that's quite the correct thing to do, and eat some myself, also a radish. Garçon appears with a fish of some sort done up in oil, with mushrooms, (I think,) truffles, (I fancy,) and mussels (I am not quite sure about these, but, as it's not oyster season, they must be mussels). What wine ? "Well," says CHILVERN, "I should sayI know he's going to ask for beer. Happy Thought (before Chilvern can answer).-Vin ordinaire. Explain to CHILVERN that this is the correct thing. CHILVERN, who is much pleased with the first course, says, "capital idea of yours," to me, "ordering fish. What is it? "3 Happy Thought.-Sole Hollandaise. This is as good a title as any other, better. Odd, by the way, this fish coming, as I didn't recognise the word poisson when the waiter asked me rapidly that question about what I'd have, or how I'd have it. Happy Thought.-Another time will call for the carte, and point out each dish that I want-no mistake then. Waiter appears with the wine. CHILVERN says, "I wish you'd ask for a pepper-box and saltspoon." I frown at him. I tell him that it's a Continental custom not to have salt-spoons (I don't see any), but to take it out of the salt-cellar with your knife. "Horrid custom!' says CHILVERN. This is what I don't like in CHILVERN abroad; he is insular. Because we have pepper-casters, therefore all the world must. [For psychological analysis, a note in pocket-book. Is it by force of antagonism that I suddenly become pre-eminently foreign, and peculiarly un-English, when with such a mind as CHILVERN's?-Good article for Typ. Devel. Heading, Ant. Word, Antagonism. Division, M. Mental.] I help myself with my knife to salt, and with my fingers to pepper. Garçon adds watercresses to the hors-d'œuvres. "Bravo!" I exclaim. "J'aime beaucoup le cresson!" Watercresses, by jingo! "shouts CHILVERN. He begs my pardon for his excitement, but says he really thought that 'cresses were (French or Belgian) are breakfasting at another table, and turn round peculiarly English. I beg him not to shout. Some young men to stare at him. Happy Thought.-To ignore my own nationality, and pretend to be a foreigner (of some sort-don't know exactly what), taking an Englishman out for a holiday. I say, Vous êtes un Anglais pour rire." Happy Thought-Seen this somewhere in a French picture. Don't wonder at the idea, if the French take their notions of us from men who behave like CHILVERN. Wish I'd come alone. Happy Thought.-To suggest to CHILVERN that, if he holds his tongue, they won't know what he is.. CHILVERN replies, "You be blowed!" If it wasn't mean, I'd tell him that I wouldn't lend him any more money. Everything is "odd," and "rum," and "queer," in CHILVERN's eyes. He has got into a habit (from being with the Captain, I think) of calling everyone a "cove." He observes, "What rum coves those are!" meaning at the other table. I tell him, deprecatingly, that I see nothing rum about them. I reproach him with being insular.. Waiter brings cutlets. Admirable. It seems then I ordered cutlets fish and cutlets. He then adds salad. He asks me a question. I am taken by surprise. Happy Thought.-Oui. Result of the answer is that he takes the salad away. "What's he done that for?" asks CHILVERN.. I am obliged to own that I don't know. Happy Thought.-To add, by way of explanation to CHILVERN, that it's the custom CHILVERN won't be satisfied. Waiter brings salad back again: he has took it away to mix it. Happy Thought.-Now then coffee and cigar. This, I explain to CHILVERN is the real delight of déjeunering abroad in any café-you can always smoke immediately. Du café, garçon (in an off-hand manner). "Deux ?" "You'll take some?" I ask CHILVERN, to show him that I can hold a conversation with the waiter. We begin to lounge luxuriously. Suddenly motion of vessel returns. Horrid. I hope *** Coffee arrives. CHILVERN produces cigars, and I ask the waiter for fire. "C'est défendu de fumer ici si tót," he informs us, apologetically. I can't believe it. Being unable to argue the point satisfactorily with him, I can only explain to CHILVERN that this is not France, but Belgium. CHILVERN says, then let's pay and go. Both dissatisfied. Garçon. L'addition." It turns out that we have had the only two dishes that were not on to him to order?" and it was to this I had answered "Oui." Horridly the carte du jour, and that the waiter had asked me, "Would I leave it dear: thought everything (especially vin ordinaire) was so cheap abroad. Eight francs a-piece. Happy Thought.-Put down in pocket-book everything I pay for CHILVERN, or he may say I didn't. Also keep the bill. We walk out. Wish CHILVERN hadn't brought his umbrella. Suit of dittos, coloured Quite," as CAPTAIN DYNGWELL remarked wide-awake, and umbrella. " before, "the tourist." The people will think he's a COOK's excursionist, or some sort of "there and back for seven shillings,” or “a Happy Day at Antwerp " for half-a-crown. WA Important Advertisement. WANTED.-A NOBLEMAN to LEAD THE OPPOSITION in the House of Lords. He must be cleanly, sober, and possess property, have a quoting acquaintance with HORACE, and a reasonable knowledge of geography, and be a fluent speaker. He must not write in any review or newspaper, nor must he have any liberal proclivities. Temper not an object, as Scotch Dukes are aggravating. Theological views not insisted on, but he must stand well with the Episcopal Bench. Must know how to take orders from his Chief in the House of Commons. Must have no personal dislikes, but be able to be very offensive on occasion. Must not be too old to sit out a heavy debate. Will be allowed to keep racers, and indulge in the other ordinary recreations of his class, but is not to be considered a turf man.Photograph and testimonials to be addressed, "Ixion," 1, Grosvenor Gate, W. Silence a polite negative. No law-lords need apply. RATHER EMBARRASSING. Rich Uncle. "O TOM, DO ME THE FAVOUR TO LEAVE THIS AT YOUR COUSIN'S, IN REGENT STREET." ON LOVE-LETTERS. SERVE him right," said Mrs. Punch, impatiently throwing down the paper containing the report of a Breach of Promise case, damages £500. "I don't care about a woman who brings an action of the sort, but a man ought to be punished for writing such idiotic love-letters." Logical as ever, my adored," said Mr. Punch; "but it is in the fitness of things that a love-letter should be idiotic. Love is a brief (very brief) madness. Would you have Hanwell edit Euclid?" "But a man needn't write 'Now, my dear JANE' sixty times in one letter, and cover it with stars that mean kisses." "Would you have him send French epigrams, or an analysis of the result of deep sea soundings for mollusks! "I'd have him rational.' "Then, my worshipped, he had better postpone love-letter writing till after marriage." Well," said Mrs. Punch, smiling, "perhaps that would be the best way. But then they would never be written at all." "And whose fault would that be?" said Mr. Punch, escaping from the room. Ad Imperatorem Classis. See United Service Gazette, in which the First Lord of the Admiralty is reported to have caused the Dockyard Cats at Portsmouth to be put on halfrations. PANURGUS olim fabulosus, Amphora Per te esurientes, sævientes videris ? THE BEST SERMON.-DR. TEMPLE'S Rugby Speech. DEAR PUNCH, THE NEW P. G. M. THE PRINCE OF WALES has been made a Member of the Grand Lodge of Freemasons, and is now a Past Grand Master. When His Royal Highness appeared at the Freemasons' Hall on this happy occasion, he wore an ordinary Master Mason's apron." Who would not wish to inspect the PRINCE's very remarkable collection of official dresses? Who would not like to see him arrayed in the robes of a Peer of the Realm, in the uniform of a General Officer of the Army and a Colonel of the Hussars and Volunteers, in the splendid gown of a Doctor of Civil Laws, in the costume of an Elder Brother, in all the bravery of the Garter, the Bath, the Thistle, the Golden Fleece, the Tower and Sword, the Legion of Honour, and the Star of India, and in the clothing "of a Past Grand Master? Has the PRINCE acted for his own comfort in becoming a Freemason? Has he reflected that he will now be called on to lay more first stones than ever, and to lay them with full Masonic honours? A SLAP AT THE STAGE. I AM a British playgoer, and I pay my money like a Briton for my seat, and do not wait for "orders," like a waiter at a pub. So I have a right to grumble when I see what I don't like, and am beguiled by some bad acting from a capital cigar. What I dislike most is a performance where the players are not perfect in their parts, which is usually the case on the first night of a new piece. I pay to see a play, and not a dress rehearsal, and a Manager receives my money under false pretences, if he allures me to a piece ere it is fit to be produced. See here how they manage things on the French stage : "In Paris the Bohemian Girl is rapidly coming out. They have had already forty-eight rehearsals." adapted from the French!" We should not hear such grumbling Forty-eight rehearsals! Here is something I should like to see about slovenly stage management, and actors not working together, if forty-eight rehearsals were considered insufficient ere producing a new piece. Yours in all sincerity, Great News! SOLOMON SOLON HUNKS. HOORAY, hurrah, let's laugh, not frown, But dance and sing, my JULIA! For Venezuela has put down The rebel folks in Zulia. [They dance and sing, and then get the Atlas to see in what quarter of the world the places are. HIGHTY-TIGHTY! THE United States is going to take possession of Hayti. When once JONATHAN has got his grip on it, the island may change its name to "Hayti-tighty." WARNING TO THE LIBERATION SOCIETY. 78 HERE is an Association called "The Executive Committee "1. WORK FOR CHILDREN. Children from Ten to be outraged with a discussion on the disadvantage of State Establishments! Perhaps the pill is to be sugared, and tales, with a moral-Delenda est Ecclesia are to be put into the hands of the unhappy little creatures. Something of this kind, perhaps : Giulia Grisi. NAY, no elegies nor dirges! Light upon thee lie the earth! ANOTHER PANCRAS WITNESS. THE Pancras Guardians publish all sorts of testimonials to their character, and the public laugh at them, knowing how such things are obtained. It is a pity that they should have forgotten this one, which has just as much value as any that they have issued, and which the papers have carelessly printed as having been received at Waterford. It is evidently the production of some 'respectable inhabitant" of St. Pancras, who is anxious, in a neighbourly way, to do his best for : 66 "At the last weekly meeting of the Board of Guardians, the following visitor's report was presented: I visited the Hous Auspitles mal and female wardes and Found them Scripilis clane. I Asked Patients if the Mad any suggest that Sixty Four Guardians Be Called to pay up the Rate and Get us Complaintes, and they All said no. Out of Debt, or have them Pasted in Boardroom." "THOMAS JONES was a good little boy, who gave all his pocketmoney to send out Missionaries to the poor dear blacks in Tongorparu, and who wept when he heard that they had never known the name of BINNEY. One day he was crossing the road of Parliament Street, where he had been sent to give a tract to a starving cobbler, and he saw a fine carriage, drawn by noble horses, coming rapidly along. This was the carriage of a person who is profanely called the Right fellow-tradesmen :Reverend the LORD BISHOP OF DERWENTWATER, a man who receives £150,000 a year (taken out of the taxes on little boys' bread and butter) for wearing a mitre and lawn sleeves, clothing himself in purple and fine linen, and faring sumptuously every day. His only other business is to go to a gilded chamber called the House of Lords, and try to hinder every good law which men, like members of the Liberation Society, seek to obtain for the benefit of poor little boys and girls. This socalled Lord Bishop was afraid that he should be late, for he wanted to oppose a law for making bread and cheese and tea cheaper, so he sternly commanded his tinselled coachman to drive furiously, like JEHU, the grandson of NIMSHI. The savage coachman lashed his horses, and they rushed so fast that poor little THOMAS JONES could not get out of their way. He was knocked down, and grievously hurt. The cruel Bishop saw this, but would not stop, and THOMAS was carried to the hospital, where he lay many weeks. But he was not sad, because he had the tracts of the Liberation Society to cheer him up. He only said, patiently, 'I think the Bishop ought not to have £150,000 a year for running over me, but I daresay he is sorry now, and I heartily forgive him.' But we have not forgiven the Bishop, and we hope to see the day when he will not have that enormous income, or want to go to the gilded House of Lords." MESSRS. GREEN & SKEATS may send Mr. Punch the £50, or not, as they please. But he warns them that he means to keep his eye on the Liberation Society, and it will be a wiry time for the author of any other Liberation Tale for Children when it gets to 85, Fleet Street. We shall hear of a Dissenting Fairy Tale next. Let the children alone, will you? or Mr. Punch will show you that it is the safest plan. Dissent in Danger. SOME of the principal Dons at Cambridge have just declared for the abolition of University Tests of creed: wisely for the interests of the Church. Were tests swept clean away both at Oxford and Cambridge, Dissenters would send their sons to the Universities, whence those men, having received a liberal education, and especially learned to construe Greek Testament, would return indoctrinated, most of them, with a just appreciation of STIGGINS, and also of MANNING. Also the lands are well cared. I also We hope that the Poor Law Board has seen this, but, lest it should have escaped attention, Mr. Punch reproduces it. THE BRITISH FARMER TO THE BOARD OF TRADE. Thou told'st me, in thy brighter hours, A NOVEL ARCHIDIACONAL FUNCTION. "Some few weeks ago, ARCHDEACON STOPFORD'S cure for cramp went the round of the papers. It will be remembered that the ARCHDEACON obtained knowledge of the remedy by inspecting the garters of an Irish Countess." UNFORTUNATELY, we had not the advantage of seeing the previous notice of ARCHDEACON STOPFORD's new cure for cramp.. All we hope is, that as these are ticklish times for Church establishments and Church dignitaries, when it is more than ever necessary for those who hold ecclesiastical preferment studiously to avoid all actions liable to misrepresentation-the Archdeacon did not obtain his valuable knowledge when her Ladyship's garters were fulfilling those purposes for which garters were originally instituted. |