MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. WHEN I go in, MILBURD's guests are waiting for their host. CAZELL is there, and three other men in evening dress. CAZELL knows one of them, but doesn't introduce me to him. We evidently, more or less, consider one another as intruders. Happy Thought.-To say it's been a nice day. 66 66 stance of COMMODORE BRUMSBY's having mistaken me for MILBURD, Some one (elderly gentleman with yellow grey whiskers) says he doesn't think so, "but perhaps," he adds, sarcastically, Happy Thought.-Manuals for the Dressing-table. Drawing-out Ques you like rain." Forgot it had been raining. Should like (only he's my senior) generally, "Are you hard at work now?" (then he'll tell you, how hard; tions for various professors. A. How to draw out an Artist, &c., say, tonversation a start. Pause. CAZELL who might talk to two of us, other artists think of him, &c, &c. our Lordship must be very much to inform him that my observation was only thrown out to give the what at; why: what next; what he thinks of other Artists; what doesn't. The third is a gentleman with tight waist, long legs, and a glass B. How to draw out a Bishop. of ancient art; of old masters, &c.) in his eye. He manages to pass the time, apparently, by stretching out overworked?" No? "Well, it's not large pay?" This raises intehis legs as far as he can away from him, smoothing them down with both hands, and regarding them critically through his eye-glass. We resting subjects, "Bishops' Income, Church Property, Establishment, are all drawn towards him. His smoothing his legs has evidently a Chemist? Question. Now should you say,"-put this as if you wouldn't Simony, Lay-impropriation," &c. C. Chemist. How to draw out mesmeric effect upon us, and we all, at least so it seems to me, begin to take a silent but intense interest in his legs. If we were left there two or he won't be interested; great secret this, interest your man, "Should hours, he would probably become mesmerically mechanical in his move-you say that Carbolic acid gas acting on the," &c., &c. Of course, it is ment, and we should all be fixed staring at him in our chairs. (Note, master up to a certain point the rudiments. Thus you must be sure of necessary in scientific questions, in order to obtain information, to Not to forget Mesmerism, under M, in Typ. Devel., vol. vi.) Another its being "Carbolic" not "Carbonic;" acid gas, not "acid in gas;" old gentleman is shown in by the waiter. He is portly, and enters genially, with his hand out ready to grasp MILBURD's. I can't help be, just to start it, because there'd be an end to all conversation if Á also, as to whether it "does act on the," &c., &c.-Whatever it may pitying him when he doesn't see MILBURD. or B or C replied, No, Sir, such a case couldn't possibly happen; Happy Thought-Respect age-rise. Old fashion and good. a child wouldn't ask so foolish a question as yours." Only, of course, if The old gentleman seizes me by the hand. So glad to see me again. he did say this he'd be a bear, and people would get tired of asking Capital," he says, "not met for an age." I answer that I am delighted him out. I am so convinced of the utility of this Manual that before to meet him. Wonder to myself where I've seen him before: puzzle, I go to bed to-night I make notes for its commencement. I'm afraid give it up. I'm getting too many irons in my literary fire. Well," he says, "all well at home?" I answer, "Only pretty well." He is sorry to hear it. Happy Thought.-To ask him if he's all well at home. Yes," he says he is, "though MILLY isn't," he adds, "quite so well as she might be." I reply, "Indeed," thoughtfully, for as I don't know how well MILLY might be if she tried, nor who MILLY is, I fancy that there must be a mistake. Still if I ought to know him, to tell him that I haven't an idea who he is, would be rude-specially from a young man to his senior. Man with eye-glass, in meantime, has lowered him self in easy chair and is stretching out, complacently, farther than ever. (Note. Silent Gymnastics.) He is still criticising his legs favourably, and varying his movements by pulling up his wristbands, which are very wide, long, and come up to his knuckles. 66 ور A Old gentleman suddenly puts his hand in his pocket and says to me, "Oh, that reminds me, you didn't hear from MARTIN, did you? dilemma for me. Of course I don't know his MARTIN. Shall I say, simply to make a conversation, "Yes or No ?" Happy Thought.--Say the truth. "No." "Ha!" he exclaims, Then I must settle with you. How much am I in your debt ?" This is awkward. It's difficult at this moment to tell him that I never saw him before in all my life, but I am certain of it. If I had any doubt of it, his recollecting a debt to me would put it beyond question, as I shouldn't have lent him anything. "Well ?" he asks, pausing with his purse in his hand. Happy Thought.-Tell the truth again. I commence, "The fact is MILBURD enters. He oughtn't to leave his guests. "Ha! Commodore!" he says to the old gentleman, "I'm glad to see you're acquainted." I explain at once that we're not; and he, putting on his spectacles, for the first time, (without which the aged mariner is it appears as blind as a bat) discovers that he has taken me for MILBURD. Happy Thought.-Aged mariner. Wish I could recollect a quotation. Ought to have something about an albatross at my fingers' ends. MILBURD really has mixed us well. There's a military man CAPTAIN DYNGWELL, there's CHILVERN an architect, then COMMODORE BRUMSBY, R N., a great traveller, SIR PETER GROGANAL, a tremendous chemist, MILBURD for funniments seasoned by the courtesies of a host, and myself, as representative, to a certain extent, of Literature. Happy Thought.-To ask MILBURD in a whisper, as we go in to dinner, "What is a Commodore?" MILBURD returns, also in a whisper, "Don't know." 66 wristbands over the table as if he was imparting a fashionable Superhuman Industry. THERE is or was a very remarkable man living in the West of England, perhaps the most indefatigable student the world has ever heard of, judging by ARCHDEACON FREEMAN's account of him. In a speech at Exeter, in which he expressed his strong dislike to newspapers and magazines, the Archdeacon (who is said to be one of DR. TEMPLE'S opponents in the Chapter) stated that he once gave a work of JEREMY TAYLOR'S to a man who "read it for three years night and day, and never stopped!" Denomination by Analogy. After this, Introductions: myself to COMMODORE BRUMSBY, CHILVERN to me, we are to be travelling companions, MILBURD says; whereupon CHILVERN and myself both smile vaguely at each other, as if such a notion was too preposterous or absurd. After all, if smiling means parsons named Ritualists, to that word as applied to distinguish that OBJECTION has been made, by certain sympathisers with the sect of nothing (when done in this way), it's better than frowning. [N.B. sect. It is possible to conceive one which would be more distinctively Make a note in pocket-book to effect that under A might come im- definite. This sect appears to be no other than that originally founded portant article on Amenities.] After this, myself to CAPTAIN DyngWELL, who has risen, and on being introduced screws up his glass into by DR. PUSEY. There is a very decided method in their doctrines and one eye, his forehead down on to his glass, and his mouth up on one and persons, of this denomination, Puseyan Methodists? practices. Instead, therefore, of Ritualists, suppose we call parsons, side, as if undecided whether to scowl, or receive me pleasantly. He murmurs something to himself (for me to take up if I like) about something's being doocid funny," and tries to pull himself out of his coat by tugging at his wristbands. Standing on the rug and stretching the right hand out with a jerk, he catches the elderly gentleman with sandy grey whiskers just behind the ear. MILBURd, with admirable presence of mind, introduces them at once. 66 SIR PETER GROGANAL, CAPTAIN DYNGWELL." They bow politely, and the Captain is understood to apologise, but as he is struck by something's being "doocid funny," the conversation with him, beyond this point, doesn't progress. It appears, subsequently, that the circum A NUT FOR MRS. NORTON. THE name of EDMUND CURLL is not forgotten: QUESTIONS FOR THE CIVIL SERVICE EXAMINATION. GIVE the Latin equivalent for "A Music-Hall audience." 66 I don't know much of natural history, but I always thought that pigeons were not "animals," but birds. However, this is not the error I refer to. I must leave EDWIN to tell you if he thinks that any gentlemen" can ever see a cruel pigeon-match with "toleration or complacency;" but I am quite sure that no "ladies," in the true sense of the word, can do so without feeling indignation and disgust. Creatures of the weaker sex who go to see such "sport," would go to see a bull-fight with similar complacency. To look at pretty little pigeons being slaughtered by the score, and the grass bestrewed all round with their feathers and their blood, is surely not a sight that any lady would be present at, and I wonder any woman even can be found attending it. Yours indignantly, ANGELINA. Not a Hundred Miles from Westminster. IN the account of PRINCE ARTHUR'S visit to Canada we are told that "Ottawa, though justly proud of that magnificent pile of buildings which accommodates the Parliament of the Dominion, is also proud of its great lumber establishments." Perhaps it was as well to make this clear distinction between the Parliament buildings and the great lumber establishments, for there are people profane enough to think that even in Parliament Houses "lumber" may sometimes be found. A FENIAN MELODY. (To the Right Hon. W. E. G.) CONFOUNDED and cursed be your cold-blooded reason, And argument not of the slightest avail As e'er was POERIO; a martyr as true. I hurl back your dirty base insinuation. Talk to me of the facts of a case! Botheration! My brief if they suit not, the worse, then, for them. When a counsel is glowing with generous fury On behalf of the client whose cause he defends, I turned up my nose with disdainful emotion, Had you said what you meant in that same, I've a notion Myself 'tis direct you'd have given the lie. But I by your taunts will be ne'er shamed or shaken. By ridicule don't think my mouth you will shut. Your foul shaft of satire has no effect taken, For a target of brass threefold thick is your BUTT. A PARISIAN DEMONSTRATION. On the 26th instant order was expected not to reign in Paris, as a demonstration of the Fenian kind menaced the peace of that capital. It proved, however, a break-down, according to telegram, whereby we are informed that a crowd of some 2,000 persons having assembled in the Place de la Concorde: "M. GAGNE stationed himself by the obelisk, and read some verses, but was hooted by those present." Goose was all which thus appears to have been gained by M. GAGNE. Let us hope that Nelson's column in Trafalgar-square will, on future occasions, see all orators meet with the same public reception as that which the obelisk in the Place de la Concorde saw M. GAGNE honoured with the other day. They have begun to manage these things very much better in France. PARSONS AND POPES. THERE is more Popery in the Established Church even than what DR. PUSEY and the Ritualists profess. Indeed Anglican Popery exceeds that of Romanism. ARCHDEACON DENISON, who can never be Exeter not to sanction and concur in the appointment of DR. TEMPLE quiet, has off his own hook memoralised the Dean and Chapter of to the Bishopric of Exeter. In thus setting himself up as a judge of DR. TEMPLE'S orthodoxy the Archdeacon of Taunton makes a Pope of himself, which is more than can be said of the Pope of Rome. DR. PUSEY and all the rest of the anti-TEMPLE agitators make similar Popes of themselves. Every parson his own Pope seems to be the maxim of many clergymen of the Church of England. In the memorial above referred to, ARCHDEACON DENISON declares that if DR. TEMPLE is made Bishop of Exeter it will be the duty of every Churchman "to labour actively and steadily to dissolve all connection between the Church and the State." That object he will, for his own part, no doubt endeavour to accomplish by force of example. He will dissolve the connection between the State and so much of the Church as he represents in his own person. Directly that DR. TEMPLE has been consecrated, ARCHDEACON DENISON will doubtless proceed to disestablish and disendow himself. So, of course, will DR. PUSEY, and all the other little Popes who have subscribed the Thirty-nine Articles. They will at least enjoy the comfort of a good conscience, and form a highly respectable body of Dissenters. Waggeries of the Vote-Market. Ir the venal electors of Norwich, Bridgewater, or other borough or electoral district infamous for bribery, were asked what they had to say for themselves, they would perhaps have the impudence to plead loyalty, shown in their attachment to the Sovereign. The obvious answer to this excuse is, that none of them would vote for the Sovereign if they could sell their votes for paper money. A BISHOP RAISING A LAUGH. ISHOP MAGEE delivered "a brilliant" address on certain ecclesiastical subjects to a large meeting in the Temperance Hall at Leicester. The brilliancy of the Sun itself is flecked with spots, and so perhaps is that of the brightest address which can issue from the mouth of any mortal, even the most eloquent of bishops. The following remark may, to some eyes, appear as one such an opacity of episcopal oratory: "Men said they did not want priests and parsons to go about preaching doctrines and dogmas, and they expressed their opinion that there ought to be no dogmas, although he might just remark in passing that this very saying was a dogma on the part of him who said it." Hereupon ensued "laughter." This, if disrespectful, was not thoughtless. The expression of an opinion that there ought to be no dogmas, is a saying which, on consideration, BISHOP MAGEE will hardly persist in calling a dogma. A dogma is not the expression of an opinion as an opinion. It is the assertion of a mere opinion as a matter of fact. Let BISHOP MAGEE reflect for a moment, and then he must discern that his hearers may perhaps have laughed not at anything he said which they took for a joke, but at his own confusion of ideas. THE FIRST AUTUMN COUNCIL. SCENE.-The Official Residence of the PREMIER, in Downing Street. PRESENT. Fourteen Ministers.-DATE. Tuesday, 26th October. The President. Hope you've all enjoyed your holiday, and are prepared to go to work like dragons, eh? Mr. Bright. H'm, well. We shall see. Work must be done, but it isn't a pleasant thing to talk about. Mr. Lowe. But we don't come here to say pleasant things. Lord Granville. O yes, we do, and we say a great many of them, and I am sure that we all have the sincerest regard and esteem for one another. I am certain I have for all of you. And so LAYARD goes to Spain, my dear CLARENDON. Lord Clarendon. AYRTON goes to the Works, you mean. (Laughter.) Mr. Lowe. One kind of a check on GLYN is a precious good thing, but another is less so, eh? Lord Clarendon. Rem acu. Spain is a very pleasant country, if you know how to enjoy yourself, and I have no doubt that LAYARD will see many very pleasing objects there. Perhaps they will make him King, who knows? Duke of Argyll. Well, what are we to talk about? Mr. Bright. Plenty. For I have been looking into Hansard, and I find that our good friend here-BRUCE-has solemnly pledged us to carry, this next Session, about sixteen times as much as ever was done in any Session since Parliaments were invented. Mr. Bruce (laughing). Why, I did promise a good deal, certainly, but what could a fellow do? About the Irish Land? Mr. Gladstone. Let that stand till we meet next time, please. It will take me a good many hours to explain what some of us think ought to be proposed, and we have hardly got into gear, yet. Mr. Bright. I think that a very wise suggestion. Duke of Argyll. But I should like to know the general feature of the measure. Mr. Gladstone. Its object is to tranquillise Ireland by doing justice to everybody. That is the general feature. Duke of Argyll. But how do you do it? Mr. Gladstone. Ah, that's a detail; and as I say, it will take me a good many hours to develope that. Lord Chancellor. I may assure the noble Duke that it's all right. There is to be no confiscation. Duke of Argyll. I suppose not. But what's to be done with LORD CLARENDON'S Felons? Lord Clarendon. Figure of speech-must use figures when you're talking to an imaginative audience. Duke of Argyll. Well, if I am to have no information as to the Land Bill, I should like to ask MR. GLADSTONE what he has to say about the appointment of DR. TEMPLE to Exeter. Mr. Gladstone. He has to say three things. First, that it does not concern a noble Duke who is a member of a Scottish Church: secondly, that DR. TEMPLE is an admirable man: and thirdly, that the appointment will be read in the London Gazette this afternoon. I Lord Granville. Nothing can be more complete and convincing, and am sure that we are all obliged to the Duke for having elicited an answer that must give so much satisfaction to us all. What lovely weather we have had for the country! to accept the recommendation? Duke of Argyll. But if the Dean and Chapter of Exeter should decline Mr. Gladstone. It is a most desirable thing that departmental business should be kept separate, and the reply to the noble duke is the business of our friends the ATTORNEY and SOLICITOR-GENERAL. Duke of Argyll. I am to be told nothing, it seems. Lord Granville. On the contrary, you are to be told how exceedingly well you are looking, my dear duke. The Scottish air has done you all the good in the world. Look at CHILDERS, too. My dear eyes, how that cruise has picked him up! First Lord. It wasn't bad-but I won't do it again. Mr. Lowe. Sing us one of DIBDIN's songs, CHILDERS-" Go, patter to lubbers and swabs, do you see." First Lord. Lubbers and swabs! Yes. But never mind. Stow your chaff. (Laughing.) I won't do it again, I tell you. That was a capital cut in Punch about your sweating the sovereigns. Mr. Lowe. Yes, it was, only not handsome enough. Do you wish to hear anything about those same sovereigns? Shall I make the matter clear to the meanest capacity, if there's such a thing on the premises? Mr. Bright. Unless it's absolutely necessary, I wouldn't. Lord Hartington. I've been thinking, CARDWELL, that you ought not to let the First Lord carry away all the honours. Why don't you put yourself at the head of the Army, and give us a jolly good review in Hyde Park? You'd look awfully well in a blazing uniform. Mr. Cardwell. There are differences in the position of First Lord and of Secretary for War, which preclude the course which you-I assume in facetiousness only-suggest to me, and the consideration of personal vanity has ceased to exercise-if at any remote time it did exercise-an influence over me. I will explain myself more fully Mr. Bright. No, no. We understand. What a fine day we are losing. Lord Granville. Nay, not losing exactly, though I quite comprehend the feeling of reluctance with which men, fresh from the country, sit within doors. But I really feel inclined to suggest to-what says the should meet, we could not postpone further discussion. PREMIER-whether having met, as it was most right and proper we Mr. Gladstone. There are three courses open: we can get to work. Mr. Gladstone. Or those who are not interested can go away. Lord Granville. Anything with agreement in it is so delightful. The President. Upon my word this is-ha! ha!-this is just what I like. We must have time to get our heads right. I've been deer stalking, and I smell the heather still. Mr. Gladstone. But, you know, we understand the next time we really get to work. I am bound to apprise you that the explanations I shall have to give will demand a considerable expenditure of attention. Mr. Bright. More reason for being economical of it now. (Applause.) Mr. Gladstone. JOHN, thou art too bad. [Exit the Council. A Ducal Privilege. MR. COMMISSIONER WINSLOW has decided, in the case of the DUKE OF NEWCASTLE, that a Peer of the Realm, not being a trader, is not within the pale of bankruptcy law. It is well everybody should know that a Duke cannot be bankrupt in law; he can only be bankrupt in fortune, in credit, and in character. He cannot file his schedule; he can only defile his 'scutcheon. A Case in the Court of Arches. / THE PARSON OF FROME Romish nonsense maintains, But parson of Frome notwithstanding remains. Don't you think there's one letter too many in Frome, For a parson who teaches the nonsense of Rome ? A Pons Asinorum. ONE rather important consideration appears to have been overlooked by the commercial speculators who seriously entertain the idea of throwing a bridge over the Channel. Would not such a structure stand a little in the way of the Channel Fleet? Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co.. Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 86, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.-SATURDAY, November 6, 1869. (Being Extracts from the Celebrated Course of Colwell-Hatchney Lectures, for the Use of Students, and all those whom Providence has blessed with affluence.) On the Instability of Human Greatness.-Few men have suffered more from this complaint than CARDINAL WOLSEY. Yet he was entirely cured, as SHAKSPEARE has shown, by swimming on bladders for three hours a-day. The custom has lately been revived at Boulogne. Talking of Boulogne, the history of this place is very curious. Any one as curious as the history may find it out for himself. Caps were invented early in English history. They were first worn by fools. Weaknesses of Great Men.-It was XERXES who first conceived the idea of the Chain Pier at Brighton. He cried very much when he did it. The greatest men are invariably the most simple-minded. It is difficult to mention any one single case in point. Early Genius.-XENOPHON wrote his famous Encyclopædia Britannica at six years old. HUMBOLDT insisted upon remaining in the cradle until he had finished his Kosmos, a work of much labour and extensive research. FRA ANGELICO was still in frocks when he painted his most celebrated pictures. The Gentleman who invented printing gave proofs of his future greatness in the nursery; these proofs he subsequently corrected for the press. What great events spring from small causes! It was an unwearied Phoenician who first discovered fire by rubbing two pieces of stick for a fortnight. The discovery has proved invaluable to many people. CHARLEMAGNE introduced Chess into Germany. Pawn tickets were of a later date. BUSINESS OF THE BOARD OF TRADE. YE chandlers and ye grocers small, Not nice to quite a shade, And you, ye cozening tradesmen all, He has the power, and eke the will, But, most of all, ye Railway folk He'll stand no inquests incomplete, In trains through carelessness that meet, He'll cause investigation strict No dandy duffer is our Friend And knows that business well. The Romans as a people were very fond of spectacles. Their Emperors used to give them as many as possible. This has been considered a short-sighted policy. Puns were not unknown to the ancients. CICERO sat up all night with a wet towel round his head making one, and then he couldn't do it. This was at Christmas time. THEMISTOCLES was betrayed by 'his friends and persecuted by his enemies. So altogether he hadn't a very pleasant time of it. Honesty," said the late intelligent X***, "is the best policy; but the worst diplomacy." As I don't think it was either original, or particularly good, I won't tell you his name, so as to spare as much as possible the feelings of his family. THE TWO TIDES, OR "A BLOCK AT TEMPLE-BAR." Of things as they 're not, and of things as they are; find it. WHAT MAKES A PIECE IN THE HAYMARKET, AND A WAR IN IRELAND." The New Men and the Old Acres." |