LITERATURE, SCIENCE, AND MUSIC AT AN EVENING PARTY.-TOTAL DEFEAT OF THE TWO FORMER. CROMWELL ON CULLEN. SIR, I READ that the so-called CARDINAL CULLEN insolently proclaims that Papist children shall not go to your National Schools, which he doth compare to "lions' dens," and declareth he will deprive offenders "of the advantages of the Sacrament." I know not what spirit ye English be now of?, But I know what the humblest servant of the Parliament, he who signs this letter, would have done. Marry, the so-called Cardinal should have been forthwith sent to a National School, whence could his Church's hocus-pocus free him, well, but if not, he should have had leisure to repent his outrage on the Parliament's laws. Methinks Popery did not greatly trouble our Israel after certain action by Your faithful servant, O. CROMWELL. THE BLUE KNIFE. (From a Contemporary.) "Sixteen sheep have been killed by lightning." What of that? Sixteen perish daily in every parish; sixteen hundred in every county: sixteen thousand in QUEEN VICTORIA'S merry England. Yet this death is so singular and so touching, that its tragic element-tragos was a goat, a sheep's cousin becomes softened into a tender mystery. Who needs remind us that lightning is but as mechanical as the action of the fusee that kindles the Havannah of the cynic, who scoffs at these deceased muttons, and who sneers that, had the flash struck an old barn, or an abandoned coal-barge, or a brace of pointers indicating Nay, let us look higher. Excelsior! Happy sheep! Spared the a partridge, there would have been as much purpose in the matter? annual fleecing, by violent hands, in the muddy stream, spared the weary, dusty road, and the drover's harrying goad, spared the fall into the butcher's cellar, spared the cruel if finishing blade, they cropped to the last the flowering food, and knew nought of the azure gleam that ended all their cares. Man has done with them, save to bury OFFICIAL NONSENSE. them, for, mystery on mystery, the bolt of Jove taints where it falls! OFFICIAL phraseology is often very curious, and indeed not seldom The sixteen are absolutely out of created space. Yet no! From their curiously foolish. One reads for instance that HER MAJESTY has transmuted entity may daisies and buttercups grow, and merry graciously been pleased" to do something or other, which, one feels children weave the gladder garland that the Blue Knife of the Skies persuaded, could never have afforded the least pleasure to HER dealt that blow. All is tender. May they find their way to the happy MAJESTY. Again, one finds it stated that some death-deserving crimi- grazing-grounds, if such there be, and, in the poet's words, bring their nal, being luckily reprieved on the ground of his insanity, will be tails behind them! confined in Bedlam "during the QUEEN's pleasure," although certainly the QUEEN call feel no pleasure in the circumstance, and is more likely to feel pain that such a criminal, or lunatic, exists. So, too, when MR. BUGGINS, having made a rapid fortune by the tripe and trotter business, wants to change his patronymic for DE MOWBRAY or FITZBOGYNS, the QUEEN is said to have "been pleased" to permit the alteration, though, if HER MAJESTY expressed her real feeling in the matter, it would probably be that of sorrowful compassion, not unmingled with contempt, for one among her subjects who had proved so great a fool. 66 Touching Devotion. WE read in an Irish paper "A remarkable resolution has been adopted at a meeting held near Limerick to petition for the liberation of the Fenian prisoners. It runs thus-'The farmers of Ireland will not accept of any tenant-right until the political prisoners are first liberated." This, if insolent, is consistent. Who house assassins? And who but a landlord should speak up for his tenants? "BIG BOGEY" IN IRELAND. CARDINAL C-LL-N. "HUBBABOO, ME DARLINTS! GO BACK, GO BACK! YE MUSTN'T BE IN THE LIONS' DEN' WID THE LIKES O' THIM WICKED 'SWADDLERS,' ANYHOW! AN' YOU DO, I'LL ANATHEMATISE YE, &c. &c." WORCESTER SAUCE. (From our Special Commissioner.) They are admirably adapted for repose and contemplation-for what the ascetics call recollection. Of course you can't sleep if electric organs are pealing in your ears. I couldn't refrain from a jeu de mot. (Do you remember how I used to revel in 'em when I went as your Commissioner à l'Eggsposissiong HERE's the Festival, Sir, and here I am, Sir, and here are all of us, at the Star Hotel, and at your expense. Understand that, at your ex-years ago? Aha!) I said, pense; I understand it, if you don't; so does the landlord. The Prodigal Son is here too, Sir. I mean the eminent composer of that delightful oratorio, the chef-d'œuvre of which I am sure he will be only too ready to own he obtained from my inspiration. But not a word of this to a soul. I gave him the notion of that part which commences with the glissade movement (Prodigal Son returning in a stately measure) and the polka-time of the guests within; the bellowing of the Calf in the stables, which forms as it were the under-current of the accompaniments, was to have been performed on a special stop, made for this occasion only by the organ manufacturers. I say was to have been performed," because owing to some envy, or hatred, or malice, the special stop did not appear, and so a special stop was put to this particular portion of the entertainment. MR. S-LL-V-N suggested that I myself should sing this part, that is the Calf's notes, but said I, with Shakspearian readiness "Go hang a Calf-skin on thy recreant limbs," For I wasn't going to play the part of the Cock in Hamlet, or the hind legs of the Cow in Tom Thumb, for anybody. Par parenthèse, though I never have heard the Cock in Hamlet, I've often heard the Cock in hamlet. (Oh, how good! how funny! This is the way I set tables in a roar.) a We had great fun at rehearsal. Immense. I am the life and soul of the party. You must know, Sir, that the organ is electric. A chain connects the notes with the pipes; another chain connects the organist with the notes, and a third the organist with the cylinder. Method.-Work the cylinder in three-four time by a Tempograph made on purpose, and the organist is shocked, I mean receives the exact number of shocks which force him to play precisely in the time, and the notes which the composer wishes. The composer turns the cylinder, and winds up the organist. The cylinder, you understand, is the recipient of all the electricity of several batteries. Very good; I offered my services, at rehearsal. So excited did I get with the music (always this effect on me) that I turned the machine on a hundred-andfour-time, instead of three-fourth time, and bang, crack went the sparks, away went the organist up in the air, over the organ to the extent of his chain, back again bump on to his seat, up again round the corner, kicking the notes as he alighted, with his heels and toes, whizz went the organ-works, and in less than three minutes, Sir, the organ had played by electricity five Oratorios all at once. The effect was fearful. I thought the Cathedral would have fallen-it shook to its foundations. So great was the force of the electric currents within a radius of ten yards, that no one could venture near, while I sat within, like the magician in a charmed circle, unable in my nervous excitement to stay my hand. The Organ manufacturers tried to break through the line, but the current seized them and whirled them round and round (waltzing time), while the Composer of the Prodigal Son himself could only tap the edge of the Precentor's seat, as an intimation to the organ that he wanted so many bars rest. No effect. Canons, Deans, Precentors, all the Choirs, Conduits, Vergers, Beadles, Sextons, all came rushing in to know what the I mean to inquire what was the matter. In a quarter of an hour all was explained, and the ancient edifice had regained its wonted quiet. First Day.-I have to complain. Five people said they'd get me a stall, a reserved seat. Five people didn't, and everyone of them individually said he thought the other had done it. So you see I couldn't get a seat for Elijah—I mean I couldn't get a seat for myself. دو "Why is an Organ like a Policeman ? " Answer (to follow immediately).—“Because it's a Peeler.” I whispered this in the ear of my next neighbour. He frowned, and wouldn't laugh: no, not at that, nor at any one of my numerous witticisms which I poured into his ear, and wrote down in my pocket-book. He said, sternly, after my fifth jeu de mot :— "Why is the Ancient Mariner like a waggon in the Finchley Road, going to London? Answer (to follow at once).-"'Cos it comes from Barnet." Well, Sir, he said—my neighbour did-"I must beg, Sir, you'll hold your tongue: your conduct is unseemly." I thought, of course, he was a wag, and so, as I couldn't dig him in the ribs the partition of the stalls prevented that—I kicked him, gently, on the shins, and said, sotto voce, Chck!" Whereupon, Sir, instead of returning my pleasantry, I'm ashamed to say this inhospitable dog (he was a Minor Canon I subsequently discovered, and in authority too) beckoned to the Verger, who in turn beckoned to me; but as I am too old a bird to be caught with such chaff as that, I winked at him, as much as to say, Walker!" He then handed me (by a stranger in a seat below) a note to this effect: "You are requested to behave yourself while you are in the Cathedral. (Signed) THE DEAN. "P.S. If not, the police have strict orders," &c. I I was asked out to dinner previously, and enjoyed myself much. But This was perhaps why I was not present at the next day's concert. complain: as your representative I register my complaint. I think the Ancient Mariner was the Oratorio performed when I was in the Cathedral. Somebody said so. At all events it was some sacred subject or other. Altogether I have been very well treated, and the whole thing is a success. More in my next. It was not the Ancient Mariner I heard in the Cathedral, but MR. A. S. SULLIVAN'S Prodigy Son, which I have no hesitation as a musician in pronouncing the best thing he has yet done, that is it would have been, had he not previously composed Cox and Box, the Great Triumviretta. To the regret of all true lovers of Art, including the Dean and the First Chapter of the Cathedral, the Committee had decided that The Triumviretta was not suited, as a whole, to the solemn place and the occasion. One word as a Musician. MR. A. S. SULLIVAN'S instrumentation is admirable I assure you I didn't go to sleep once-I couldn't. Talking of that, the sweetest and most appropriate thing during the whole Festival was done at the Concert: this was it. It was No. 9 in the books, Part II. of Concert, and was thus set down SERENADE." Dors, enfant, dors!" (Violincello obbligato, MR. COLLINS.) Now, Sir, isn't that perfect? First, the idea (so German !) of serenading an Infant! charming! simply ecstatic! Then the words, "Sleep, Infant, sleep!" Beautiful! And says the Composer of this exquisite serenade, how shall we sooner send an Infant to sleep than by playing an obbligato to him on the Violincello! Dors, enfant, dors, Thou little smiling fellow: That is if you can "dors" While I play the vi'lincello. Those should have been the words for MADAME TREBELLI BETTINI to have sung. Copyright now. MESSRS. BARNETT AND SULLIVAN received an "Ovation." I don't envy them. I recollect what my Under the Yoke?" with which jeu de mot I conclude for the present, ovation was when I was canvassing at Pennyborough. I found that "Ovation" is derived from the Latin, Ova, eggs. Were you ever and am your old friend and pitcher-in (when necessary) In the evening I was not asked out to any of the parties, although I had brought my best things with me, and my gloves had been cleaned say "What is the use of these Musical Festivals? Charity! Pooh!" on purpose. It's too bad-too bad. I sit alone in my room, and I Humbug! My own impression is that the whole thing is a Failure. Second Day-Kept me a seat to-day. I saw people looking at me and saying, "Who's that?" I hear the answer in most cases: it was "Don't know." But the better informed and well educated, I am sure, replied, "That is Mr. Punch's Special Commissioner: he is also a great composer, &c., &c., and a first-rate musician, &c., &c." Some people informed others who I was, without being asked. I had on a neat plum-coloured frock coat with velvet collar and cuffs, white waistcoat, scarlet tie with fashionable collars, and plenty of wristband and stud showing. You see I know how to make you respected, Sir. The ladies did not, I think, behave quite as they should have done, considering it was a cathedral we were in; but then I knew your Correspondent was there, and the painted window was dimmed. The stalls are very comfortable, not a bit like those at the Opera, you must know. But I daresay you have been in a cathedral, and seen one of these seats before now. PEEPER THE GREAT. In the Long Vacation. THE newspapers have been speaking lately about the possibility of some great legal changes taking place, one of which might send an eminent Justice of the Common Pleas to the Court of Probate and Divorce. Should this transfer ever take place, it will be universally acknowledged that a more appropriate selection for the Court of Probate could not possibly be made than-WILLES. BY OUR OWN SIR ORACLE.-Shut out the subject of the weather, and you destroy half the world's conversation. TAKING IT EASILY; OR, MATRIMONY IN 1869. IS A GOVERNESS A KITCHEN SERVANT? DEAR MR. PUNCH, I I AM a young lady, and I go to church pretty regularly, and can speak French pretty well, and I can play on the piano, and I am fond of children (at least as much as most folks are of those who don't belong to them), and, though my sewing is so-so, I think I know enough about the noble art of needle-work to feel "competent to instruct" a child of nine years old in it. Yet, although I am so clever, I find it hard to earn my living, which I am forced to do; and as I now want a situation as a Governess, I scan the papers eagerly in the hope of getting one. Now, here is a fair specimen of the places see advertised, and as I have told you my accomplishments you may help me to judge if I am likely to suit: A I RESPECTABLE YOUNG PERSON WANTED in a Christian family, about six miles from London, to take the entire charge (including washing, dressing, and undressing), under their mother's superintendence, of three little girls, respectively in their fourth, seventh, and ninth years. She must be competent to instruct in English, French, music, and needlework, fond of children, and truly pious. Salary £10 per annnm, with a comfortable home. INSURED. M. CARPEAUX's statuary, at the new Paris Opera-house, has been splotched with a volley of ink for being too like nature. How happy our London statues must be in their absolute safety from punishment for that offence! of my pupils would, I notice, be the same; and I suppose I should be a Please, dear Mr. Punch, do endeavour to persuade people to call a spade a spade, and a governess a governess, and beg them not to puzzle poor young ladies" like myself, by advertisements which seem at first sight to be meant for our attention, but which in reality can only be intended for girls who are desirous to take a servant's place. I feel sure that, if we met, you would not take me for a nursemaid; but many "persons" " (well, I cannot call them ladies) very willingly would do so, because, you see, the wages now demanded by a nursemaid very far exceed the salary of many A POOR GOVERNESS. CULLEN O' SIMPLES. CARDINAL CULLEN orders three days of rejoicing over the downfall of the Established Church in Ireland. Ungrateful PAUL! That The word "lady," now-a-days, is terribly misused, so I don't mind Church, by virtue of the hatreds it fostered, was the best friend of his own. If the disestablishment bring peace, and fraternisation, how being called a respectable young person." But, should I be right in long will superstition have a chance? To do him justice, PAUL sees applying for this place? I don't know what is meant by being "truly this, and drives the little Catholics out of Protestant society. But pious:" still, as I said before, I regularly go to Church, and in other that will not do, while the parents can meet. Why doesn't he order respects I fancy I am just the kind of Governess this family requires. that no Catholic shall speak to a Protestant? Probably, "Cut the But as they would require me to act as nursemaid also, I fear they may Prods!" will be the next howl from the altar. Unless this be the expect me to live chiefly in the kitchen; and moreover, a salary of £10 a-year is not a very tempting offer to a "person" who has to wash and dress and put to bed three children, besides instructing them in English, music, needlework, and French. Then see, here is another splendid offer to poor me, but I have not yet accepted it : command, and it be obeyed, Rome has seen her best days in Ireland. He had better revoke the order for thanksgiving, or transfer the thanks to the account of St. Bartholomew's day, or some other real Catholic victory. Well-Named. House of Commons used to sit till two and three o'clock in the morning, "MR. HENLEY on the Late Session." Remembering that the a more suitable epithet could hardly have been devised for the Parlia ment of 1869. No wonder the fine old Member for Oxfordshire talked at the Bicester dinner about sleep in the House. |