I CAN'T

James. Too well, I'm afeard. They won't need for to keep us in ADA TO FRED. Dinner forget-if you like. Mais ne m'oubliez pas, quod neither, if they does wot I expects they will.

DR. P **** (P) ON MR. MACKONOCHIE, &c.

A NEW WAY TO PAY OLD BETS.
FOOLS who fling away their fortunes by betting upon horse-races
would do well to take a leaf out of the betting-books where wagers like
the following are registered. We quote them from a recent letter
from America, inserted in the Times:

R,-I don't often write to
you, but having last week
sent a letter to the Times,
it occurs to me that the
next best step to be taken
is a communication on the
same subject to you.
The Judgment, Sir, of
the Privy Council is but
an exposition of various
Acts of Parliament, show-
ing what is the Law on this
We heartily commend this novel style of betting to the noble race of
matter of Rites and cere-
plungers who now gambol on the turf. How much better to wheel
monies in the Church of your winner in a barrow, than to hand him over a handful of bank-
England. It is not binding notes! There really is no fun in emptying one's pockets, and the
upon the consciences of process of exhausting one's credit with one's banker can hardly be
Churchmen. It does not amusing, although done for sake of sport. Bets, however, of this kind
prevent them from believing reported from New York would afford both entertainment and pleasant
whatever they choose to occupation to men who find their time hang so heavy on their hands
believe. Therefore they can that they are forced to kill it by going on the turf. To the philosophic
hold all Roman Doctrine,
mind a pleasing theme for contemplation would be the sight of noble
even the supremacy of the swells being wheeled about the streets, each preceded by a band of
music and a banner, on which should be placarded the name of the
loser, and the wager he had lost. Instead of betting "thou's" and
ponies," as young foolish plungers do, they might, by betting rides
their estates. By way of a variety, perambulators might be used
in wheelbarrows, effect the needful time-slaughter without hurting
instead of wheelbarrows, and, in lieu of bands of music, a blast of
penny trumpets might proclaim the conquering better in his passage
through the streets. Other wagers too might follow, such as drives
about Hyde Park in a costermonger's cart, or rides upon a donkey in
the thick of Rotten Row, with the season at its height. Young GREEN
may book a bet that if Darkhorse wins the Derby, he will have to black
his face and play the banjo for an hour upon the doorstep of his club;
shave off one of his pet whiskers; and to go for a whole fortnight with
or LORD TOM NODDY may record that in the like event, he will have to
a cabbage-leaf instead of a camellia in his button-hole. Bets too may
be made that men must give up smoking sixpenny cigars, and for a
given time must condescend to common "Pickwicks;" and wagers
will be laid that, if Skyrocket wins the Leger, LORD SWELLINGTON will
have to carry a baked 'tatoe can twelve times along Pall Mall, or
ENSIGN GUZZLER will have to drink mulled ginger-beer in lieu of iced
champagne, and, instead of whitebait dinners, will be reduced to tea
and shrimps upon his next six trips to Greenwich.

"Ludicrous election bets are now being paid in many places. The losers are made to saw wood and do other menial things, while sometimes the loser wheels the winner through the streets in a barrow, preceded by a band of music, and followed by a gaping crowd. In New York one bet was paid by the loser wheeling a negro through the streets, and thus practically testifying his regard for the African race."

POPE in a certain sense, as

long as they do not out wardly demonstrate their inward convictions. This is what I mean by "the Loss of modes of outward expression of belief only drives pious souls more inward, and the inward devotion shines the more through." Since writing the above I have been led to consider the full import and bearing of my argument, and I discover in it a new moral code for the benefit of society at large.

I have been accused of too great liberality towards schismatics, heretics and Dissenters by my own party, and I may again incur its displeasure by stating boldly, that I deeply sympathise with all those unhappy criminals hung or unhung, and with those no less unfortunate sufferers in civil actions, who have been unable to evade the legal penalties which they have severally incurred.

This is a legitimate conclusion from my own premises, and from it

do not shrink.

What, Sir, is any Judgment, Criminal or Civil, but " of an Act or Acts of Parliament?"

I

an Exposition

And, as such, not binding upon the conscience of Englishmen. The felon, unfortunately for him, being in the dock, and guarded by police, cannot walk out and snap his fingers at Judge and Jury, as can an Anglican Clergyman at LORD CAIRNS, the ARCHBISHOP OF YORK, and all the Privy Council.

Now, Sir, I will conclude; and in conclusion will say this to all Ritualists

No matter in what precise terms our belief is condemned; no matter that Bishops and Archbishops equally condemn all our distinctive tenets; no matter that the spirit and tone of the entire English Communion is against us, we can always meet a Judgment as we should a Temptation, and find a way to escape. Words may mean anything, everything, or nothing. Actions shall be valuable or worthless. But, with the exception of a few absurdly straightforward and honest men who are no longer with us, we have shuffled and shirked from the commencement, and, please Heaven, we will shuffle and shirk to the

end.

And, dear Sir, who shall prepare the net out of which we Ritualistic Eels will not wriggle? I am, Sir, yours, (The signature is illegible. Ed.) P.S. In effect, I would say, with old Mr. Weller, "Why warn't there an alleybi ?" I mean (and I don't often say what I do mean) couldn't some clever lawyer, like LEWIS AND LEWIS, find out that the Judicial Committee had no right to sit unless the BISHOP OF LONDON (or some dignitary) was on the Bench all the time? Then the proceedings would have to be commenced de novo.

A Rubric Well Ruled.

DR. PUSEY complains that the Judicial Committee have not interpreted a certain Rubric, relative to the MACKONOCHIE case, grammatically. They will be generally considered to have interpreted it according to its obviously intended meaning. DR. PUSEY must not expect worldly judges to interpret even Church law in a non-natural

sense.

PETTUMS, DARLING!-Be not sulky. Nini is a good boy. A loving lollipop awaits thee at the old, old tryst. Souviens toi de Jeudi, et aussi de PUNCH. Go and get his Almanack, if you still are in the sulks. It is a certain cure for jealousy as well as indigestion.

Greengrocer, Jun. (to whom our Little Friend in Velvet had applied for a piece of Mistletoe for his own private diversion). "I'VE GOT YER A BIT, MASTER GEORGE. IT AIN'T A VERY BIG PIECE, BUT THERE'S LOTS O' BERRIES ON IT; AN' IT'S THE BERRIES AS DOES IT!!!"

TELL THIS TO THE MARINES.

in the comic business, for which their shop-fronts usually furnish the background, and the proprietors the victims.

But, even if the stage were more likely to hurt, noblesse oblige. The Marine should be above bandying buffets with the Manager. If the Marines like to stay away from the theatre, let them, but don't enforce their absence by pickets.

PUNCH never allows an empty bottle to be called "a Marine" at his table, without repeating the good old explanation of the image "A good fellow who has done his duty, and is ready to do it again." He hates to hear the Marines chaffed, because he knows them to be about the least indulged, most devoted, hardest worked, best drilled, should suffer for his impertinence in insulting a body of men who are At the same time one cannot be sorry if the Plymouth Manager best set up, best officered, best disciplined, and best behaved corps in the Service: and because at the bottom of the chaff occasionally fired far more of an honour to their cloth than he is to his. We never heard off at them by dandy and empty-headed officers of more swell "of anything that was particularly to his credit. We never knew anything branches, there lies nothing more respectable than snobbishness, conthat was not pre-eminently to theirs. ceit of caste, and pride of privilege, the natural enemies of unfavoured merit, contínuous hard work, harassing service, and uncomplaining devotion to duty.

66

As for Jack's half real, half affected antipathy to "sogers," that is another matter. There is a natural antagonism between blue jackets and red coatees, white-duck and pipe-clay, loose order and drill, stocks and shirt-collars, schakos and straw-hats, buttons and lanyards. But that does not hinder each Service from respecting the other at bottom; and both from pulling, working, and fighting together on all occasions, like twins of the same bull-dog.

For the same reasons that Punch don't like to have his Marines chaffed, he is sorry to hear that the Plymouth Manager has so far forgotten himself as to poke fun at the Marine Officers in his Panto

mime. He is still sorrier, however, to learn that the Marine Officer in command of the corps at Plymouth has condescended to notice this piece of bad taste by forbidding the Marines the theatre.

COLONEL PENROSE should remember that the proverb, "de minimis non curat," applies as well to military law as to civil.

After all, Pantomime impertinences should no more give offence than Pantomime red-hot pokers burn. We never heard that Policeman X was a less formidable guardian of the peace because of the bad time he has of it at the hands of Clown and Pantaloon; or that the butcher, baker, and greengrocer of private life were more liable to be taken sights at because of the gross insults perpetrated on their order

Dead and Buried.

"LORD BURY signified his intention of moving to repeal the statute of ANNE, making necessary the re-election of Members accepting offices under the Crown."-Parliamentary Summary of Tuesday, December 29th. HOORAY! More Power to LORD BURY! It may be "no news" that "QUEEN ANNE's dead;" but it will be decidedly good news that QUEEN ANNE'S Act's buried.

A Great Curiosity.

FOR SALE.-A Printing Machine (perfecting) made by DRYDEN.
Is it known to his biographers that the great poet was of a me-
chanical turn? The South Kensington Museum should secure at any
price this most interesting relic of "Glorious JOHN."

THEATRICAL.

MR. BURNAND'S new Burlesque, now playing at the Haymarket, is called The Frightful Hair. Does this mean the Chignon ?

COUNTRY SHAREHOLDERS.-Ploughmen.

Printed by Joseph Smith. of 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.-SATURDAY, January 9, 1869.

A NOTION OF A CHRISTMAS NUMBER.

HRISTMAS and its holidays are
over, but the Christmas perio-
dicals are still selling, at least
to judge by the maxim, ex uno
disce omnes. Modesty forbids
the more particular mention
of the Almanack to which this
refers. Some say there are
Christmas annuals more than
enough, but there is room for
one more, which, however,
would not make them the
more the merrier. Could not
the conductors of a censo-
rious journal, if such there
be, come out, for once in the

SUPPLEMENTARY TREASURY MINUTE.

To be appended to that composed by Mr. Ward Hunt, and published by Mr. Ayrton.

MY LORDS, adhering to all that has been set forth in the above Minute, in regard to the extravagant habits of certain Civil Servants (whereby, and by reason of the embarrassments into which they plunge, they are the less qualified to attend to the Business of the Nation) but holding also that prevention is better than cure, annex the following suggestions.

That young Civil Servants, on appointment, do privately take a piece of paper, of any size or colour they may prefer, and do write down thereupon the amount of their salary. That they sub-divide this, with the aid of a Ready Reckoner, into fractional parts, so that they may see how much hard cash they ought to spend daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and yearly.

EXAMPLE. £100 a-year sounds largely to a youth who has previously way at least, with a Christmas had nothing but pocket-money from his parents, but let him look at it Number? The majority of thus:

Christmas publications gush,

or are meant to gush, or to

seem to gush, with the milk

of human kindness. The one

which any severe contempo

Five shillings and fivepence three farthings a day. Very well, then

rary may be advised to issue, let him do another sum. How does he propose to live?

might, on the contrary, gush

with the bile of critical acrimony. The principal stock subjects in connection with Christmas might all be treated in the spirit of Smellfungus, by way of a refreshing novelty. Holly and mistletoe might be shown up as paganisms particularly inappropriate to the season, and instead of those emblems, cypress and yew might be recommended as being more ecclesiastical, because of their relation to churchyards. Plum-pudding and mincepie might be abused as conducive to heathenish and swinish gluttony, and very unwholesome besides. "Holly and Mistletoe," "Plumpudding and Mince-pie," indeed, might be taken for the titles of articles written in the tone above indicated. The topic of "Pantomimes might be treated in the same way with a pointed exposition of the particular contrariety to all that Christmas means of gross and riotous buffoonery. "Blind Man's Buff," and "Hunt the Slipper," might be decried as well, and denounced as imbecilities characteristic of the British middle-classes, alike customary and contemptible. Snapdragon" would furnish a theme for similar comment, concluding with the expression of the wish that every idiot who played at that execrable game might burn his fingers.

A LADY'S PROTEST.

DEAR MR. PUNCH, I AM a very social girl, and also very scientific, so I always read the reports of the Social Science Meetings. I see that at one of them, mentioned in the Standard (I am a Tory girl) DR. STALLARD said,

"If only one quarter more of the dirt of London could be swept away than now is, how great would be the gain."

Dear Mr. Punch, the gentlemen should be reasonable with us. I am sure we women do what we can. My dress is very long, and I never loop it up, not that my ancles are bad, but because it is absurd to care about saving the clothes other people pay for. And I never come in from a walk without bringing in more than my fair share of London dirt with me, to say nothing of cigar-ends, orange-peel, herrings'-tails, and other trifles, and the way my brothers go on at me for what they are pleased to call slatternliness, and how they name me DOROTHY DRAGGLETAIL, and sing stupid songs about me, would daunt anybodybut a female who scorns to be dictated to about dress. Really, we cannot do more than we do, and I only wish you could see my stockings, and the state of my Mamma's new Turkey carpet.

Four cigars at sixpence each
Cab to the office (say)

Flower for button-hole

Lunch

Omnibus home

Which leaves him the handsome, but scarcely adequate sum of one shilling and elevenpence for the expenses above enumerated, or for his wife, if he has fascinated a Girl of the Period into marrying him.

My Lords are aware that there are many other ways of muddling away an income, but they have no intention to be severe, and merely suggest be the sum of his own happiness. Examination of income, on the that the first sum which a newly-appointed clerk should do, might well above principles, will, they are satisfied, do more to produce the desirable effect in the mind of an honest young gentleman, than all the thunder which they have deemed it necessary to emit in the hopes of scaring the Service out of its extravagance.

By way of showing that while urging others to reform, they can amend their own customs, My Lords propose, at the beginning of the financial year, to pay all salaries monthly. Young wives will be glad to hear this.

Strange Goings On.

ONE of the most prominent of the spectacular Churches in London appears to be St. Paul's, at Walworth, the incumbent of which is the REV. JOHN GOING, and he certainly does seem to be going it. Indeed after reading a notice of his performances, it is pretty safe to predict that we shall soon hear GOING has gone-to Rome. The sooner he and all like him make the journey the better

"Stand not upon the order of your GOING, but go at once."

ALL BUT ONE.

GOOD, kind VICTOR HUGO has been again feasting the young in Guernsey. Love of the little ones is such a passion with him that we fully expect him one of these days to forgive Somebody simply because the poet called him Le Petit.

Musical and Melancholy.

HAs the singular fact been remarked that all Operas have exactly the same number of pieces, for they all have a score? A thoughtful observer is also puzzled by finding that for a Burlesque to be completely successful, it must have a Breakdown.

PUNCH AT THE
MONDAY POPS.

SOMEBODY has described the pleasures of Elysium as eating everlasting foie gras to the sound of trumpets. But trumpets seem to our thinking to smack of Lord Mayor's dinners, and the like coarse entertainments: and we think that far more exquisite than trumpets and fat livers were the bliss of hearing JOACHIM eternally play Beethoven. Orpheus with his lute made fleas Skip to him when he did sing: but Orpheus with his lute made never sweeter music than does JOACHIM with his fiddle; and nowhere else does JoACHIM play more charmingly than at the Monday Pops, for nowhere else is he more sure of an appreciative audience. Popular as these concerts very literally are, and though many hundreds of one shilling seats are always crowded by the public, such silence is preserved from the first note to the last as our opera habitués would do well to try to imitate. When the Kreutzer is performed by the fingers of HERR JOACHIM and ARABELLA GODDARD, you might even hear an H drop, if any one so far forgot himself as to exclaim, "'Ow 'eavenly!"

Punch has often heard much nonsense talked by musical connoisseurs, who complain of the sad dearth of taste for music in this country; but,