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■ it on, and in consideration of Dan's djust his garments, and retire, with a
be—nefit, abstained from laj penitence, permitted him to severe warning. Vide Cartoon.
In the Lords, the Marquis Of Towshend proposed two out of about a dozen bills of his, framed for the most part in the interest of humanity. One was to protect the property oi Lodgers who owe no rent, yet have their goods seized by a landlord, the other for punishing brutal assaults on women and children. The former Bill was opposed on technical and worthless grounds. Against the latter it was alleged that such assaults are becoming less frequent, and therefore new legislation is not needed. We should be glad to believe it. None of Lord Townshend's Bills will be carried, but none the less honour to a Christian nobleman who, in the House and out of it, defies the vulgar grin of those who call him "eccentric " because he believes that property has its duties. If he gambled away a magnificent ancestral estate, like one peer, debauched until he killed himself, like another, or ran away with nis bosom friend's wife, like a third, he would not be laughed at, but only called "poor fellow!"
Property has its Duties. But its Taxes, at least those on Real pro
§erty, are light. At least so contended Mb. Fowler, and raised a ebate of much prosiness. Mr. Lowe said the question involved a
Sroblem which he could, not solve then, but he promised that if an ides ashed upon him, the country should hear of it. So he merrily escaped the snare of the fowler. Apropos whereof, there was a quarrel over Scotch game again, and a one-sided Committee which Mr. Loch had compounded, but not to the satisfaction of other Scots. Evidently, Scotland is waking up on this game question, and when she really wakes she has a habit of not going to sleep again until the rousing matter has just been settled.
County Financial Boards—do you want to know anything about themP Punch supposes not. Do you remember Mr. Hug gin, in Hood's Epping Hunt, who, being run away with by his horse, thought that
"He never law a County go
Wednesday. In the Lords—now, then, MM. Clever? The Lords don't sit on Wednesday. They don't, eh P Have you any other valuable information on the science of egg-sucking to impart to your grandmother? Perhaps the Prince Op Wales is not a member of the House of Lords, and perhaps the Earl or Ponce is not going to note, with satisfaction and delight, that this day the Prince and Princess Of Wales returned to England, after months of absence in the East and elsewhere, lunched with Her Majesty, embraced their infants, who were brought up from Windsor, went with the Queen to the Royal Academy, drove in the Park, and attended a State Concert.
Says Brown to Jones, " You and I are temperate fellows, and moreover nave cellars of our own. Robinson may be tempted to drink too much. Let us shut up all the public-houses. He has no cellar. Then he must be sober, and his wife and children will get his wages." So Brown and Jones get Sir Wilfrid Lawson to ask Parliament to allow a majority of two-thirds to shut up the public-houses.
Parliament is right. But, as Mr. Forster said, the Permissive Bill is demanded by "the aristocracy of the working classes," and though this plan for repressing drunkenness will not do, their wishes must be considered.
There was a long debate. Colonel Jervis opposed an infringement of the rights of the subject. Mr. 0. Morgan believed that some such special enactment would do much to put down drunkenness. Mr. Cawlet did not approve of this Bill, but would support any practicable project for reducing the number of public-houses. To Mr. Bazlet, who had stooped to repeat the silly slang about "not making men moral by Act of Parliament," Mr, Forster said, "No, but you may diminish their temptations." Punch hoped that slang was extinct, but it is too foolish not to live long—idiots do, and so do shallow phrases. Lord Sandon believed that the working classes were reforming themselves. Mr. Walter dwelt on the evils of gin-drinking, which was worse than beer-drinking. Mr. Jacob Bright supported the Bill, but hoped there would be a sharp and general interference with the liquor traffic. He would legislate in the style in which they had dealt with the Irish Church.
The Home Secretart spoke most sensibly and satisfactorily. The present system must be considerably changed. But education was the chief remedy. The upper classes were sober, because they had mental resources. But the class whose only enjoyments were sensual, instinctively drank. Repressive measures must, however, be adopted, and hitherto no Government had been strong enough to carry a valuable measure, because representatives were afraid of certain influences. Now that the franchise was widely spread, those influences would greatly diminish. [Bungo, "mine host," how do you like that ?] It was the honest intention of the Government to deal with the question next Session, and meet the wishes of the people, without interfering with innocent enjoyment.
So the Permissive Bill was rejected by 193 to 87. and next year look out for Bruce's Permits. Punch points out to the superior class of artisans that Parliament, which legislates for all, has nevertheless given
respectful attention to their desires, and rejects this Bill because it is hoped to give something fairer and better.
Thursday. Last day before the Holidays. So Old Russell (we use the adjective as schoolboys do, not irreverently) thought he would have a lark, and suddenly bonneted Old Granville, cheeking him about Irish land policy, and telling him he had better hare minded that than bankruptcy and schools. Or, if you want to be serious, he accused the Government of having encouraged dangerous hopes, and held them, by their silence, responsible for Mr. Bright's plans.
Lord Granville had nothing to say but what he had said before. He announced nothing. Government were not responsible for Mr. Bright's views, but these had nothing in them opposed to the rights of property.
Lord Derby said that the Irish had been led to believe that no more rest was to be paid after 1870. He drew a pleasing parallel between Mr. Bright and the Buttermonger. The plans of the former would convulse Ireland, and before they were promulgated he hoped that the army in that country would be largely increased.
Lord Kihberlbt replied with a tu quoq**, setting his Lordship right in respect to Mr. Bright, and the Duke Of Abercorn (late Lord-Lieutenant) contrasted the present unhappy state of things, mainly caused by Mr. Bright and his friends, with the tranquillity of Ireland under himself and the Conservatives. Lord Westmeath— bat we imagine that will do. My Lords, having thus finished the preWhitsuntide sittings with a good row, rose until the 31st.
There was no disturbance in the Commons. The General Omnibus Company having failed to defeat the Tramways in Committee, tried to spoil the Bill in the House, by getting leave to run amy vehicles oa the tramway- Ma. Bright exposed the dodge in language which even a conductor would call straightforward, and the Buss Coves were floored.
We were told that in rural districts the postmen were, if they liked, to ride cat velocipedes, or bicycles; but, said Lord HARTiNeTox,
-'' * 'riding those articles is not included in the Civil
We can imagine singing
ination, the thing is to be optional, i Celia, in her arbour (O thanks, Mr.
"Don't blame, dear Mamma, this eestatical throb,
Then did we finally Consider the Irish Church Bill, as amended, fix tile Third Reading for the 31st, and after some Budget details, not unamusing, including a complaint by Mr. Lowe that when there was an alleged grievance the "Inevitable Widow " was always brought up, we rose until Thursday, the 27th.
THE ZERO OF FRAUD.
Is it come to this? Under the head of "Notices of Motions," in a programme of " Parliamentary Business" recently printed, there was the following entry:—
"Lord Eixiho.—To call attention to the adulteration of manures; and to more that, in the opinion of this House, it is desirable that the attention of the Board of Trade should be directed to this subject."
Has commercial rascality descended even to the adulteration of manures P Why this is worse than Tenntson's conception of the pharmaceutical rogue "pestling a poisoned poison." It is the lowest conceivable depth of dirty dishonesty. British mercantile morality must indeed be at a low ebb if Lord Elcho has reason for bringing the adulteration of manure itself before the House of Commons. What will Parliament do to prevent it P We can imagine what the Collective Wisdom of our ancestors would have done. It would have doomed the debaser of manure to stand in the pillory, and be pelted with his own wares—purified.
SOLILOQUY BY A SOT.
No Shwilfrid Lawson, no! Sh' House 'fuses you permission
On every body'sh beer to put a prohibition,
An' every shober man in sh' 'bitual sot's position,
Him tha 'sh got shelf-control, an' him 'sh got weak volition,
To treat 'em bo' like boysh tha' 'sh shubjec' to tshuition,
Idiotsh an' imbeshilesh incap'ble o' cognition
Ash t' how mush liquorsh more shan 'sh goo' for zsheir nutrition,
To govern 'em ash priestsh rule shlavesh of shupershtition,
All 'cause shome, like me, can't keep out o' zshish condition,
—Tha'sh reason why I shined zshe Liquor Law petition!
It will be a great mistake if our learned societies involve themselves in political discussions. We make this remark, because we notice with regret that one of these bodies has permitted a paper to be read before it on " The Property of the Radical axis."
AGRICULTURAL FROLICS IN FRANCE.
There's a Cathadral at Winchester; that every fool knows. Accordun to the Times there's also a Cathadral at Chart res. Now, if you wus told as how the fanner of them two sehaacred edifiusses looked down t'other day upon a ploughun match, I dwoant suppose as how you'd make any partick lcr observation, 'cept that you didn't know the Cathadral had got eyes in his tower, and that, if so be as a did look down upon a ploughun match, that couldn't ha took place on the Downs cause they be above un, and looks down upon he, but must ha come off down below in the valley
o' the Itchun. But when you larns, if you needs to larn, and dwoant know already, as how that sart of a trial o' skill was witnessed by the t other venerable buildun, I expect you'll say them French fellers be a gettun on. That's another leaf they ve taken out of our book; fust they took to hoss-racun and le sport, and now they be a imitatun our manners and customs in the farmerun way. Fur twnsn't only a ploughun match as was perfarmed at Chart res, but that there performance came to pass in the coorse of a agricultural meetun, and the Times says them gatheruns is becummun as common in France as they be this here side o' the Channle. Fur the credit O'john Bull, howsomedever, you'll be plazed to know that the fust prize, a goold meddle and 200 franks, was carried off by an Englishman, sent over by Messrs. Howard, of Bedford. I wish't had been Hamshire. But no matter fur that. Old England fur ever!
I '11 own its grativyun to zee that the French be beginnun to lower a little that there terreeable consate o' theirn, and to find out who's their masters in some things at any rate, and whilst they brags about leadun the van o' civilization, that they hain't above bein' show'd who drives the plough.
There's one pint wherein I be curus to know if the French be gwaiun to foller we at their agricultral meetuns, and that is as to prizes. I wonder if the Moosoo 'squires and fanners 'ool gie any for good conduct and length o' sarvus; persent a carter, fur instance, by way o' rewara for bringun up a famaly of a dozen child em without help o' charutty wi a napoleon—and a pair o' cordroys. Praps instead o' the cordroys they '11 award un a cross o' the Legion of Honner, which '11 be cuinmnt more greashus, and amamental for un, if not so useful.
I be, &c,
P.8. I dwoan't know, though, about the twelve childem. I fancies the French hain't much inclined to incurndge merit in that line. Well, they han't got no colonies—that herearter zome o' these days ool break away vrom 'on and then zeek occasion to plunder 'un and cut their drooats. Zo much for your poplation of the Anglo-Zaxon reass.
AN ADDITION TO THE DAIRY.
The British Medical Journal publishes an analysis of sow's milk by Professor Camkrox, of Dublin, showing that it contains 18'20 parts of solid matter per cent., whereas in the milk of the cow there are only about twelve. Amongst the constituents of the former fluid the quantity of lad in, or sugar of milk, as stated by the Professor, very nearly approaches the average proportion existing in the natural diet of babies. In fats his table exhibits sow's muk as nearly twice, in casein and other nitrogenous matters as almost four times as abundant as the other. Its excessive richness would therefore perhaps be considered by the Faculty to disqualify its producer for the situation of wet-nurse, for which her aptitude might seem to be suggested by the largeness of the saccharine element in her milk, as also by the advantage that its formation requires no stout, which, together with loads of other "nourishing things," is usually consumed in vast quantity by the ordinary substitute supplying maternal attention. There is no foundation whatever for the proverbial comparison which implies that excess in intoxicating liquor is a besetting infirmity of that female pachyderm to whose parental care, and 'icent qualities, we are indebted for sucking-pig.
The House of Commons, in addition to its permanent inmates, has now got a Guest in the person of the new Member for Youghal. We hope a Welcome Guest.
A Good Site Job. A Hospital.—Healing.
JOHN THOMAS AT ELYSIUM.
Most afternoons in May we go,
And figure in the Park of Hyde, Ho, what a sight is Rotten Row—
Likewise the Ring, our carridge ride. Them faces, calm and bright, re weals
The better classes peace of mind, A state by sympathy I feels,
The foot-board whilst I treads be'ind.
My hi ow 'appy they must be!
Ow rich, them raptured looks to wear! So well-off only pliancy me,
Thinks I—and seems their bliss to share. They shed3 it from their beamin' eyes,
Which 'tis a gladness to beold, Like sunshine from unclouded skies,
When meddows glows with green and gold.
His hincome-tax he must enjoy,
Whose hindependence is secure; Or sallery from some employ
As is genteel, well-paid, and sure.
Of ruin aunts his noble breast.
That sets me, for a time, at rest.
Ence, hall you hugly slaves of toil,
Whose frowns and scowls base ce This Paradise your looks would spile—
Keep your hill-favoured mugs away. Your features is so painful coarse!
Though what makes countenances fine P 'Tis wealth, which some calls Labour's force
Conserved. There won't be much of mine.
Of five good meals a day, and plush.
Couldl but count to my life s end, For my costume I ne'er should blush,
However spruce, you may depend. And has to work, I d change my own
For nothing but superia pay, With any Servant of the Crown,
That's aubjec' to be turned away.
Down fawthought, drive paw drudges mad!
Down mean hanxiety and fear! I won't look like a carewawn Cad,
A hobject in this 'eavenly sphere. I may, with fascinating hi,
Some hairess catch in yon da scene; But not with liniments all wry;
John Thomas keep your brow serene.
ESCALADE OF THE SHANNON.
A Rbcent list of Parliamentary notices included the announcement of a question to be put to the Chief SecreTary Eor I RelanD hy Mr. Ormsbt Gore, respecting the Government's promised construction of salmon ladders on the River Shannon. This question suggests another inquiry which does not, however, appear to have occurred to Mr. Gore, or any other Honourable Member whose attention he may have called to the subject of salmon ladders. When the salmon scale the ladders, do the ladders scale the salmon? There is the rub, so to speak; and we pause for a reply.
Debates at the Fingers' Ends.
Not every reader of Punch may be aware that there exists a Society called the Deaf and Dumb Debating Club, otherwise the Wallis Club." "This organisation," says the Post, " has just terminated its third session in the usual English fashion by a dinner." During its last term it has had nine debates on various subjects, political, social, and scientific. One question which the Deaf and Dumb Debating Club might have opportunely discussed at the dinner with which its meetings concluded, is whether a dumb waiter is not as good as a deaf one.
1 Light Does."—Photographers' Charges.
The Lancet must be wrong. The head of the Board of Works is called Latard. His antecedents have shown that if he cares for architecture much, he cares for the British soldier more. We call upon him from his place in Parliament to contradict the slanders of the Lancet, and to assure us that if he has shut up one window in the Sergeants' room at Buckingham Palace, it is only that he may open two.
We were not aware, till so informed by the Lancet, that the architecture of Buckingham Palace could be spoiled. But if the Board of Works considers that such a feat is possible, we are sure it will not be done by opening a window in the dog-hole known as the Sergeants' room: and that the most asthetic passer-by will gladly compound for the irregular opening, when it is understood to be the only provision for light and air in a room occupied by the non-commissioned officers in authority over soldiers who keep watch against the intrusion of possible boy Joneses into the Palace of the Sovereign.
LOOK OUT, LAYARD!
The Lancet some time ago called attention, not before it was needed, to the wretchedly insanitary state of the Guard-room at Buckingham Palace, where, in the Sergeants' room more particularly, the arrangements for slow poisoning by foul air were carried to a pitch of perfection hardly attained, much more surpassed, in any of our many highly pestiferous barrack quarters.
The Lancet's ventilation of this abomination, we were glad to near, was like to lead to the ventilation of this dog-hole.
Proposals were submitted in the Estimates for new windows to give light and air, new Galton's stoves, a plentiful introduction of ventilators, and a new cooking apparatus.
The Treasury had approved. Parliament had sanctioned. The improvements were nearly completed, under the authority of the War Office, which has control of the inside of the Guardroom. But the outside, unluckily, is under the Board of Works. And the Board of Works, on the plea that the new windows were an architectural disfigurement, has given, so says the Lancet, peremptory orders to the War Office to put things "as they were."
A PRETTY SIGHT IN PARIS.
A i' It. u all it seems that there is still some good taste extant in the drawing-rooms of Paris, although, from what the fashion-books and newspapers have told us, we may perhaps have doubted if such could be the case. Mai) voila lapreuve:—
"Some young ladies of the Mite of Parisian society hare obtained at the last files a real success, by showing themselves with their hair simply braided."
Hair "simply braided" is indeed to our mind simply charming, and we wonder how young ladies who have prettily-shaped heads can disfigure them with chignons and similar excrescences. A girl who simply braids her hair and wears nothing on her head but that which Nature has implanted there, will please the eye not only of the lover of the beautiful, but in like degree of the admirer of the sensible. A pleasant sight she likewise will present to the phrenologist, who in these days of monstrous feminine hirsuteness can rarely get the chnnce of a sight of a girl's head; so much false hair is heaped upon it.
A simple glance would be sufficient, where the hair was simply braided, to show which bumps, or organs, appeared the most developed. Those of modesty and candour would be prominent, no doubt: while those of vanity and folly would be reduced to cavities. A man who wants to marry should look out for a girl whose hair is simply braided, for he then could form some notion of her cerebral qualities, before it was too late to being their victim.
The Gravity of a Flea.
By an ingenious little instrument which is called a pulexometer, it has been found that the strength of the Pulex irritans, or domestic flea, is "equal to eight hundred times its specific gravity." Without in the least questioning the truth of this scientific statement, we may be allowed to say that it really seems a joke to talk about a flea's "specific gravity." As if any one could specify the gravity of a flea! One might as well attempt to chronicle the humour of a cockchafer, as pretend to specify the gravity of a flea.
THE BLOCK FOR TRAITORS.
Masteb O'sullivas Cork. "PLEASE, SIR, I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT I SAID, SIR; AND I DIDN'T SAY WHAT I MEANT, SIR. BOO-HOO-BOO-HOO—00!"
Head Masteb. "O, YOU DIDN'T, DIDN'T YOU? WELL, I WON'T FLOG THIS TIME, BUT IF YOU 'RE UP TO ANY MORE.TRICKS, YOU'LL CATCH IT. YOU MAY GO."