HOW TO CHECK TRADE CHEATS.

VER ONNERD MR. PUNCH, SIR, -You knows all the swells in the litter airy way, & peraps you know the cove who've been a wisiting our cribs, which he calls em criminal aunts, as though they'd been his own relations. I'd be grateful if you'd give him a small piece of my mind, and arst him what the [expletive] he means by coming the Paul Pry on a lot of onest fellers, shoemakers and sich, as is mostly out of work & finds it ard to earn a living. He'd took good care to have the bobbies at his back, else he might have got a bonneting & preshus well he wanted it. I says as its a shame for coves

to be exhibited as if they was wild beasts, & for crushers to be ired to play the part of showmen. How would you swells enjoy a wisit from me and SLIMY SAM, which he's a night-man by purfession, supposing we wos jist to drop in quite permixious some fine evening at your Clubs, and wos to jine in conwersation with you at your dinners? Preshus nice ewasive answers you'd be tipping us I fancy, if we arst you how you lived & if you'd paid your tailors, and how much in a week you'd ever made by onest labour. Them's the sort of questions as you put to us poor kiddies, & expex a cheerful answer, which I wishes you may git it.

But aint there other criminal aunts as ought to be inspected? How about your grocers shops & your butchers & your bakers, where cheating goes on wholesale, & retail too, with customers, by using of false weights & breaking the commandment by committing of adulteration? If one could see behind the scenes, sich aunts would prove as wicious as the wust of our relations. Why, see here what's been said of em by gents as have inspected em:

"The inspectors of balances, weights, and measures think the only way of lessening the numerous cases of deficient weights and measures in the parish is by giving publicity to those persons on whom the fines are levied. We think the parish authorities ought to take the matter in hand, and be more strict.

A famous tea-merchant, on our last round, whom we had occasion to fine (he having a 2 lb. weight 6 oz. deficient, and a 7 lb. weight 4 oz. deficient), said he would sooner pay any amount than have his name published."

I see a pictur once in Punch of Justice with a pair of scales in one hand, and playing blind man's buff with a bandage on her eyes; and this is how she goes about inspecting Weights and Measures. Precious blind she must be not to see with arf a eye that the only way to stop a cove from selling of short weight, is to put his name in print and adwertise the swindle. If a kiddy fakes a cly, he gets quodded for a twelvemonth, & his name is promenarded in most every blessed paper. Well, coves who picks your pocket by selling you short weight is just as bad as prigs & should be punished similar. You'd soon spoil their little game if you stuck their names in print, & lugged em up afore the beaks that the public might appreciate the booty of their persons.

Till this be done we pickpockets must look upon ourselves as ighly injured individuals, seeing as we also like to have our names kep dark, lest when we get in troubble the Beak should recollect em and give us a hextry dose for assuming of a halias, which I remain Sir yours obedient NATHANIEL PRIGG, though in Society my chums prefer to call me CONKY CHARLEY.

THE SWIGMOGRAPH.

OUR scientific readers are probably aware that an ingenious little instrument has lately been invented for taking automatic tracings of the throbbing of the pulse. From a couple of Greek words which mean the writing of pulsation, the inventor of the instrument has christened it the "Sphygmograph:" and the name, we are informed, has suggested the invention of another clever instrument, which, as a companion, will be fitly called the "Swigmograph."

The object of the Swigmograph will, as its name implies, consist in tracing upon paper the condition of a person who has been swigging a good deal of alcoholic liquor, and, by an automatic action, recording the cerebral pulsation of a headache engendered by excess. By preserving thus a picture of the throbbing and the racking and the splitting pains he suffers, the swigmographer will be warned against all

dangerous indulgence in the pleasures of the table, and may be spared much vinous folly and subsequent remorse. A glance at a bad headache, as depicted by the Swigmograph, will be a prudent prelude before going out to dinner, and may operate benignly in resisting the temptations of a perilous repast. Habitual diners-out will find the Swigmograph a salutary adjunct to their dressing-room, and may thank its timely warnings for a fortunate escape from many a racking headache or severe grip of the gout.

WHO CRIED "NO"?

"In our first article yesterday we said, 'It is quite true that MR. GLADSTONE said 'No' when MR. HARDY asked whether MR. BRIGHT had authority to announce the policy of the Cabinet.' The writer was mistaken in ascribing the exclamation No!' to MR. GLADSTONE. We have unimpeachable authority for stating that, whoever uttered it, the word did not come from the Prime Minister."-Morning Star, May 4.

SIR,

THEN who was the Party that shouted out "No!"
And instantly caused a Conservative crow?
O which of the partners in GLADSTONE & Co.
Was so awfully prompt independence to show,
Inducing the Tories to mop and to mow,

And hope that dissension would speedily grow,
And their leader again find the ball at his toe?

Was it outspeaking ROBERT, whom some call BOB LOWE,

Or CHILDERS, who's taken the Navy in tow,

Or good AUSTIN BRUCE-nay, he's rather too slow,
Or GÖSCHEN, the long arithmetical JOE,

Or COLERIDGE, with scutcheon as spotless as snow,
Or LAYARD, so quick with his damaging blow,
Or CARDWELL, the carefullest card in the row,
Or MONCRIEFF vich Advocate, ho ieroe,
Or eager-tongued SULLIVAN, all in a glow,
Or HARTINGTON, Lord of the General P. O.,
Or COLLIER who lingered so long statu quo,
Or FORSTER, so full of decision and go,
Will nobody tell, for does nobody know,
Who flung out that answer to HARDY the foe?
Methinks explanation the Ministers owe,
And Punch as he thinks so, takes leave to say so,
And then that eternal old cynical beau,

The like of whom lives not 'twixt Severn and Po,
And who's wise as DE LOLME and DE STAEL and DE FOE,
Tosses off to your health a large glass of noyeau,

And proceeds, with a wink, this here chaff for to stow.
If a goose asks its reason, the answer is Bo!

WHY STRANGLE YOUR SOLDIERS?

As an old soldier who has seen, and, doubtless, " done the State some service," as that actor fellow says, I have a right to my opinion on the prospects of the Army; and my opinion is, by Jove, Sir! that the Army is fast going to the deuce. I don't often read a newspaper, but when I do I'm pretty sure to stumble upon something disagreeable relating to the Service, and the other day I happened to stumble upon this :

"I feel convinced that the amount of aortic aneurism in the Army may be much diminished by the tunic being fitted more loosely round the neck and upper portion of the chest; nor can I see the propriety of making any portion of the soldiers' dress so tight as to place him at a great disadvantage in regard to health, comfort and usefulness, when actively employed."

This is what some doctor fellow, hang him! has the impudence to state, and I daresay there are fools who will believe him, and agree with him in thinking that a soldier can't be comfortable if he be nearly choked. Perhaps he 'd like to see the Life-Guards dressed in flannel shirts and wideawakes, like those ragged red-sleeved Garibaldi scarecrows, and with baggy knickerbockers and a pair of hobnailed highlows, to finish their costume. Pretty figures they would be for one's inspection on parade; and how could any officer expect 'em to look smart?

Those infernal doctor fellows always like to trot out fine new-fangled words, and no doubt "aortic aneurism" is a new-fangled complaint. In my young days I never heard it mentioned in the Army, but now die of it than men not in the ranks. Of course civilians and taxpayers, I'm told that soldiers are eleven times more likely to be attacked and and people of that sort, may grumble at the cost of thus killing off old servants, for without a stiffish bounty one can't get new recruits. But of course no British officer ever bores himself by thinking upon matters of economy; and as for making troops more useful by giving them loose tunics, who expects 'em to be useful while a Quaker fellow's suffered to sit among the Cabinet, and the Government encourages retrenchment and reform ? Yours, PIPECLAY.

more. Other birds have their eyes open; Owls are always blinking; but they see when others sleep.

"I have not met you, MR. GOOSEY," observed MR. OWL, while GOOSEY was irresolutely playing with the pen, "since you were three or four years old."

This reminiscence had in it something tender. It was as much as MR. OWL could say safely, and conscientiously, as regarded that Invisible Presence, his Client. To remind GOOSEY of those days had in it, I say, something of tender warning. It seemed to say, You are younger than I am by a lifetime. I have known your father all these years. I understand him. You don't. Take care.' But the handwriting on the parchment was mere pot-hooks and hangers to Goosey, and the old Owr's hint, if hint it was intended to be, was utterly thrown away. In vain we told him that of all edged tools a legal instrument was the most dangerous. "Bah! he would trust his father," he said; and to that sentiment what could we return ?-nothing.

So GOOSEY signed away his money, and was happy. Receiving so much a year, quite a trifle, he was determined to marry, and did; for IDA, with all her good sense, was not proof against his enthusiasm. She could have met argument with argument: affirmative possibilities with negative probabilities, and could (if occasion had required) have damped ardour. But Enthusiasm did everything in half-an-hour, even to buying the ring, and setting off in a cab to swear before a gentleman at a writing desk (Cupid's Secretary, pro tem., whom you expect to be cheerful and radiant, and generally interested in your personal matters, but he isn't, and merely asks your name, her name, takes as a matter of course parents' consent, pockets a fee, and continues the ordinary work your entrance has interrupted), and even to enlisting on his side, the sympathies of such a staid elderly couple as MR. and MRS. DOR

MOUSE.

DORMOUSE Senior came out very strongly on this occasion, promising to lend him his expenses of a call" to the Bar, which GOOSEY was to repay when he should make a fortune in his profession.

I pass over the wedding, a very quiet one, and the Honeymoon, of which, of course, I am profoundly ignorant; but when they returned, and took lodgings in town, we all put our shoulders to their little boat, and assisted at the launch. And should the barque overturn, could not a Duck swim, and a Goose too? So we were confident and hopeful. GOOSEY passed an examination, and obtained some honourable distinction, and therefore DORMOUSE and PORCUPINE took him one day to call upon the MOLES, one member of which firm TOM PORCUPINE was going to see on a matter of importance to him, and not of even six-andeightpenceworth importance to MR. MOLE Senior, who would give as much time, care, and attention to a case that could never bring him in a groat, as he would to one which was to be worth thousands to his practice.

The Three MOLES Solicitors had their offices in one house, were partners, each one, however, in his own separate and distinct line. They were Members of some one or other of the Most Ancient People's Tribes, and despite all Christian prejudice and tradition to the contrary, were as kind, as liberal, as charitable, and as generous, both in and out of their business, as any Gentile, in the same line, that you would ever come across in a long summer-day's search, from Holborn Valley to the end of Queen Street, Lincoln's-Inn-Fields.

THE SOLDIER'S POOR FEET.

SIR JOHN FALSTAFF had a very good reason for objecting to march through Coventry with his regiment of ragamuffins. Is it possible that he would, if now in being, have had an objection, still better founded, to march through Fleet Street the other day with certain companies of the gallant 98th? Doubtless, albeit revived in rejuvenescence, as when he was not an eagle's talon in the waist, and could have crept into any alderman's thumb-ring; when eight yards of uneven ground would have been, not threescore and ten miles, but a joke with him. The said 98th had to march from the other side of Staines to the Tower Wharf, a distance of nearly thirty miles, and by the time they passed the quarters of Field Marshal Punch, were seen, by a correspondent of the Times, most of them hobbling. Knocked up even with that long march along a level turnpike? Yes; as a troop of Spartan infantry would have been in like case, forced to march all the way, as the 98th were, in new boots-a forced march truly. The Times sensibly suggests that now, when it is proposed to employ the leisure time of our soldiers in some kind of industry, a few shoemakers, who could see where the military shoe pinches, and put it right, might be attached to every regiment. At present there appears to be a sad deficiency of respectable Shoemakers in the ranks of the British Army, whilst, among those superior persons who are responsible for the way in which its Foot is shod, there are some very bungling Snobs. It is all to no purpose that we talk of improving the condition of the British soldier, and putting him on a better footing, when every man who knows how badly the Lobster, as he is vulgarly called, is off for what the vulgar also term Crabshells, would, on no account, like to be in his shoes.

VERY QUEER FISH.

ACCORDING to the Hampshire Independent:

"An American contemporary says fish may be kept alive for ten days or more without water by filling their mouths with crumbs of bread saturated with brandy, and pouring a little brandy in their stomachs, after which, in this torpid state, they may be packed in straw. They become alive in a few hours when again placed in fresh water."

The-freshness of the fresh water, however, which refreshes the fish, we And then, one would think, they must be very fresh themselves. may presume to mean the contrary to vapidness, and not the absence of salt; though of all the scaly and finny race,

"Fishes that tipple in the deep,"

should be the most capable of standing spirits, and the least of being reduced to insensibility by brandy. It may, indeed, be argued that salt-water fish are apt at times to get half-seas-over, and thus screwed in some degree, if not to that of being absolutely tight. But this is the unscrupulous sophistry of an abandoned punster. It is occasionally said of a bibulous person that he drinks like a fish; that is, practises the reverse of total abstinence without being the worse for liquor. The truth, however, is, even if the above-quoted statement is true, instead of being simply American, that the only fish who ever get drunk are fish out of water.

DE POTATORE EXCLUDENDO.

DR. MANNING, the illicit Archbishop of Westminster, advocating a liquor law, argued at St. James's Hall, the other evening, the justice of such a law from "the admitted right" of majorities in these days to impose legislation upon a minority against its will. Oh, DR. MANNING! No such right is now admitted more than it ever was. The minority if DR. MANNING and his associates were a majority instead of a minority, never recognised the right-only submitted to the might. And to-day, the majority that now is, then reduced to a minority, would as little admit the right of the greater number to debar it from liquoring up, as restrict their liberty of conscience by the statute de hæretico comburendo. the few under HENRY THE FOURTH admitted the right of the many to

THE HIGH HORSE AND THE HOBBY-HORSE. THE Cavalry of the English Church Militant consists of the richer class of parsons; its dignified clergymen are the Church dragoons; of course its bishops are all mounted, and even its archdeacons mostly proceed to deliver their charges upon chargers. The Curates, as a body, constitute the Church infantry, and may be described as the walking clergy. For the ecclesiastical Foot generally, and those of their superior officers who cannot well afford to keep horses, the Church Review suggests that velocipedes "may become a useful means of rapid communication." Very likely; but what the more zealous of the divines who form the two leading divisions of the clerical corps want much rather is a means of rapid excommunication.