irritation, to procure relief, according to the most approved principles of the celebrated St. John Long; who played a rubber in the game of life, and dealt so adroitly that he always won.

wwwwww

TWO PUMPS CONSULTING.

DOSE THE FOURTH.

"Nous autres grands médecins, nous connoissons d'abord les choses."

A PHYSICIAN―an M.D.—whether by favour of the College, or a German diploma, which, like the sausages, may be purchased by the pound (sterling) from

the University of H-, or B-, or any other medico-factory, -a a physician must have a respectable domicile, (he should have a carriage, and a servant in livery,) credit with his tailor, suavity and gravity in equal parts, and a BRASS PLATE on the door. Thus fitted, he may catch a guinea now and then; but the gratis line pays extraordinarily well, if he be an adept.

A young beginner must do something, or somebody; for, unless he has the digestive organs of a chameleon, the twenty-one parts of oxygen and seventy-nine of nitrogen composing the "air we breathe" will not support the disciple of Hippocrates.

But we were about to give a few hints concerning the gratuitous. Now, this is a "trick," by which, if he can play his cards prudently, he is sure of turning up trumps; in fact, he has the game in his hands. Like many other tricks, however, this requires a clever confederate; and, for this purpose, he must select an intelligent chemist, to whom he must refer his grateful patients for the preparation of his prescriptions - all marked with the precautionary N. T. S. N.* Of course, "there is a peculiar drug or a preparation in the prescription which is only to be obtained genuine at Mr. What 's-his-name's shop?"

The patient makes a bow or a curtsey (masculine or feminine, as the gender may be), and is "so obleeged to the kind-hearted, benevolent, philanthropic doctor, and straightway posts to the confederate, who charges "according to agreement," having to divide the profits

*Ne tradas sine nummo."- "Do not deliver the medicine without the money."

with the physician, at the moderate rate of ten shillings in the pound, still reserving to himself a handsome profit, as drugs and chemicals cost "next to nothing":-ex. gr. :

R. Antim. Tart. gr. iv.

Syrupi Rhæados, 3j.

Aquæ Puræ, 3vj. Capt. 3j. ter quotidie ;

for which he charges two shillings, yielding a clear profit of one shilling and ten-pence, which, after deducting fifty per cent., leaves a balance of eleven-pence.

A man may do an excellent stroke of business in this way in a populous neighbourhood, not only feathering his nest (with the down of the geese he humanely plucks without the least pain, none of them being sensible-of the deplumation), but obtaining, at the same time, a name for his disinterested philanthropy.

DOSE THE FIFTH.

If he find all his acquirements are likely to lie hid, and be neglected,-which is too frequently the case with those whose modesty equals their capability, the young doctor must blow the trumpet and beat the drum, after the fashion of the mountebanks and travelling quacks of old.

In order to do this effectually, he must cut the general and approved practice of the faculty, and start some absurd system of curing certain diseases incident to the human frame, and let the world into the secret of his local habitation and his name through the medium of a public lecture.

If he have no genius for invention, let him import some German humbug of the first quality such as Homœopathy, or the pea-and-thimble rig; or, Hydropathy, or water-witchery; or,

Mesmerism, the great attraction of the present season; or anything else with the mystic terminals, pathy or ism: the more ridiculous the better.

"Lorsque le médecin fait rire le malade, c'est le meilleur
signe du monde."

Strabismus, for instance, may catch the cross-eye of many, and make them-smile; or, Orthopedia may cause the lame to-halt!

At all events" en avant must be his motto ; neck or nothing, the doctors (the PILLers of the Constitution!) "must live," although (as a cynical magistrate once said to an impostor when he expressed the same sentiment) "we do not see the necessity of it!"