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mere worldly mind to understand ; and Ebony from his concealment, having, that has preserved the hearts of our during three cups, sat upon him, till people sound at the core, when there George Buchanan was black in the were outward appearances of rotten- face, and staring like a Turk. On went ness and corruption.
her spectacles; and Blackwood, like a Mr President, if I were writing an banner, was unfurled before the steam article for Blackwood's Magazine, I of the kettle. Her sharp, forward, could not indulge in a more digressive, acute, hook-nosed, covenanting counexcursive, and occasionally rotatory tenance, fixed with a sort of slightly style, than that along whose involutions self-upbraiding smile of wonderment and gyrations I have for half an hour and delight, not free from a spice past been carried. Where's the harm? of devilry, on the wicked but cunning Palling long faces for any length of Maga--for so she considered La Putime, can do little good either to indi. celle-inspired me with emotions of viduals or nations. The human mind, the deepest filial reverence for my aged I maintain, is made capable of adapt- and honoured parent, and would make ing itselt, without moral or intellectual an excellent print. It is thus, Mr injury, to the most opposite moods President, that the Magazine calls most suddenly brought on; and ge- forth the best emotions of our nature, nuine mirth may all at once wipe up strengthens the domestic affections, the tears of too true misery. Unbe- and thereby the stability of the state. coming levity is not seen in the tran- Hoping, and indeed not doubting, sition from one thought or feeling to that you will pardon this little fire-side another, but in the thought or feeling picture, I proceed to give you my free itself; and the merriment that reason and unbiassed opinion of No. 79. With allows, may often delight to assume the exception of the Royal Number, it the quaiutest and most fantastic garb, is the best of any Magazine that has and even wear“ motley” in the mas• appeared since the invention of printquerade that at midnight dissolves ing. What means that ingenuous away into real life. It is for this that blush of “maidenly shamefacedness” I love your Magazine, sir ; and, with on the cheek of my beloved Christoyour permission, I shall give you my pher? Well, then, here is Taylor and opinion of the last Number.
Hessey, and I will sport Candide upon Sir, your last Number is inimitable. that Miscellany. Buoyant as a balloon, deep as a diving- This, with some gentle violence done bell. Had I ever written a single syl- to the genius of the English language, lable in the great periodical, modesty may be called a respectable Magazine. had made me mum, but silence be- Pygmalion calls it the “cream of pecomes not a subscriber. A gib-cat, riodical literature ;” may I, without Shakespeare says, is the most melan- offence, call it the 's milk and water?” choly of animals, but he could not, Now, sir, milk and water is by no were he able to read, get through a means a bad thing, except when on the page of Number 79, without feeling turn, that is, sourish ; and this, mehis gravity relax into a smile. My mo- thinks, is rather sugary. I know little ther is a very grave woman, and, some- or nothing about the contributors, how or other, has longhada notion that which I regret, as otherwise I might Ebony is not the thing ; but one even- indulge in a little innocent personality. ing last week, at tea, her sides began There seem to be a quorum of Cockneys to shake, and her face to assume an ex- among them, and that leavens the pression altogether unaccountable. I whole mass. They know little, and care thought, Mr President, that some less, about what is going on in the crumbs of the short-bread had gone world, and keep chattering away fluentdown her wrong throat, and threaten- ly enough about various small matters, ed to cut short her days. All at once "great to little men,"and sometimes in she burst out into a giggle, like a girl no disagreeable vein. The criticism of of sixteen ; and then into a compressed this Magazine is not below contempt, gruff cough, and a continued succes- but exactly on a level with it; and its sion of snorts, like an old horse of sixty, attempts to delineate manners, and so to the great alarm of me, her dutifúí forth, most abortive. The writers seem and affectionate son. “Oh! that Ma- all to have lived in lodgings, and to be gazine will be the death of me, Mi- distinguished rather by the smoothchy!” And therewith she released ness, than the variety of their wearVOL. XIV.
ing apparel. They sneer in an under no disgrace to your own Invincibles. tone at good society, yet without much Nuge Criticæ, No. I., is by the inbitterness, more like persons who have genious Elia, but is no great shakes. never been in it, than often kicked out It contains one choice passage. “I of it, although symptoms of the latter have dwelt longer upon what I conpredicament might be selected. A ceive the merits of these poems, because bang-up contributor or two, peradven. I have been hurt by the wantonness, ture, figures away in white upper tog. (I wish I could call it by a gentler gery and Belcher handkerchief, and name,) with which a favourite critic throws his hat into the ring. But they of our day takes every occasion of inare palpable pretenders; and must be sulting the memory of Sir Philip Sydthe derision of Pierce Egan and Josh.
Hazlitt and Sir Philip Sydney, Hudson. They talk about theatres, Moll of Wapping and Mary Queen of and are witty upon Liston's face; ad- Scots! Pygmalion can by no means mire Miss Tree's singing, and analyze allow that Sir Philip was a gentleman. farces. Of general literature (with the Admirable judge of manners and moexception of the Doctor) they know no- rals! “I cannot think, (says simple thing, and all classical acquirements Elia,) with Mr Hazlitt, that Sir Philip they despise. Few of them have been Sydney was that opprobrious thing, at a University, except on the top of a &c. The age is not yet ripe for a decoach; and of those few, more than fence of Sir Philip Sydney by Charles one, we believe, were plucked. Not un- Lamb, of the India-House, against frequently an ingenious, or at least William Hazlitt,“thegallant of Southsmartish essay, is somehow or other got ampton-row.'' “ Walking Stewart," up, and we think that we remember by the late Opium-eater ! Mercy on us ! having seen not a bad tale or two of is the English opium-eater dead? We the picturesqueand pathetic. Puns pre- take it much amiss that he never told vail, but all poorish; and the play upon us of his illness. We are equally at a words is seldom happy. We suspect loss to conjecture why his friends did most of the contributors are costive not invite us to his funeral. The air from sedentary habits; and as it is well of Cockaigne must have killed him, ácknown, that derangements in the sto- customed to breathe a purer atmomach and bowels deaden merriment, sphere on the mountains. It was always the dulness of their convivial merri- distressing to us to think of that swan ment, although great, is not extraor- surrounded by geese, and we are hapdinary. They are by no means a bad py that he is dead. May we meet in set of fellows in their way, yet we are another and a better Magazine. The not over-anxious for a letter of intro- smallest article belonging to the deduction to any of them; and if their Ma- ceased, is valuable to those who knew gazine be but so so, yet, all things con- his fine and powerful genius; he lived sidered, they deserve some credit for upon ether and opium, while his new even their very indifferent success in a friends got stupified on tobacco and work so uncongenial with their usual beer. habits and pursuits, the contributors The three next articles-nihil-nobeing, as they inform us, young attor- thing. neys, solicitors, half-pay officers, quon- A third Letter to the Dramatists of dam pedagogues, young men of genius the Day. We lay the lives of a cat of no profession, and anonymous cor- against that of a butterfly, that this respondents in county-towns, such as German is a Paddy. Had ODoherty Verax, Antipater, Voxet Preterea, Bow- not lived, John Lacy had never been wow, and Louisa Mildmay.
born. We do not mean to insinuate Their September Number, sir, is that the Adjutant bégot him ; for this pretty fairish; some of your worst have is clearly the older man of the two; not been ten times better. “Sea Roam- but Morgan made him a Magaziner, ers, Old Johnny Wolgar," is written in and John would fain be six feet high. a strain of unfortunate exaggeration, It won't do-it won't indecd. Mr but is a vivid picturesque description, Lacy is not a member of the Free and and manifestly the work of a man of Easy. If his breeches don't sit easier no mean talents. It is a great deal too than his banter, ye gods, how he must long ; but R. A. is one of their best straddle! men ; and should he ever quarrel with Sir Henry Heron, By Nalla. Allan them, which is probable, he would be Cunnyngham is a man of genius, and,
what is better still, an honest, indepen- lug the disloyal lout from his lair, dent man. May he prosper in all his shake him by the neck, and ask him undertakings. All his Tales have great either to tell us what he means in the merit; most of them are too long. English or Cockney tongue, or to keep This one begins beautifully, but there his mouth shut for a twelvemonth. is no end to it; and unless he corrects This sulky, sneaking, snivelling style this fault of prolixity, we shall really of political discussion, is more than begin to get angry with him. He people of any party can well put up writes as if anxious to makeout a sheet. with in a free country. There were Messrs Taylor and Hessey can easily never before known such ambiguous remedy this. Pay him more for half fellows; and it looks as if they had a sheet than a whole one, and Allan not courage to bray aloud their politiwill delight all his readers that have cal Balaam, lest they might thereby either heart, soul, or imagination. His incur the risk of offending half a score fine, wild, rich, imaginative stories, of Tory subscribers, for whose sakes full of rivers, and glens, and all the alone they preserve a semblance of reemblazonry of Scotland, have indeed spect for the old sacred institutions of fallen into strange neighbourhood; the land. From anything that ever and we would rather than a hundred appeared in the Magazine, there would oysters hear one of them read aloud by be no ground for concluding, that the a Cockney ore rotundo. Allan is a Christian religion is the religion of monster in this Magazine, and must England, or that she possesses an estabe stared at as a strange fowl by the blished church. Tomtits.
Mr President, you have been told, Charles Duke of Orleans. Early sir, I presume, that the ancient cry French Poets. This belongs to a se- personality,” is still kept up against ries of articles, all of them curious and us, and we are called upon to deny it. interesting. The translations are re- We shall do no such thing. But, on markable for elegance and fidelity. the contrary, we shall take and tear
“ The Doomed Man," is a long, and, into pieces, with the most unrelenting in some parts, impressive sea-story. personality, every scamp that attacks
The Report of Music, nobody ever church, king, or ourselves. None of read; and the “ Drama" is done by a your mean, malicious, cowardly, obpert dunce, who considers admittance scure hints, in this Magazine-God to the green-room the highest human forbid !—but the open, plain charge, honour, and writes like a person that which he who runs may read; and would marry an inferior actress. proof accumulated on proof, till the
Such, sir, are the contents of Taylor culprit is buried under a mass of eviand Hessey for September. You seem dence. No honest man shall ever be drowsy, Mr President; but make no so much as laughed at by us, if we see painful efforts to keep your eyes open; reason to think that our ridicule anfor I love to harangue before you when noys him; and as a proof of our sinyou are in a state of repose. The po- cerity, we request any such, whom we litics of this Magazine are most con- may have occasionally quizzed, just to temptible--not that the summary of write us a letter to that effect, and neevents is badly written-on the con- ver more shall they be named in Maga. trary, the compiler is an able man. But there are some few score scribbling But I speak of the spirit that runs scoundrels in this world, whom we through the whole concern. The wri- shall yet farther scarify. Nothing will ters are, with rare exceptions, low it avail them, when bound and bleedborn, underbred radicals, who feel ing, to cry out to the crowd, “ Did awkward at the existence of gentle you ever see such personality?” The men, persons of any condition, lords, crowd will perfectly agree with their ladies, and so forth. A “ House of view of the case, and sooth them by Lords," a building absolutely full of loudly declaring, at each whack of the nobles, is not to be got over at all; and, thong, that the punishment is perin short, a dull disconcerted Whiggism sonal. But who will attempt a rescue ? whines and whimpers through the Not a soul. A few skulking accomwork, afraid to speak out, yet mutter- plices may scowl among the crowd, ing against ministers, either for doing bite the thumb like assassins, and in or not doing something or other, God pot-houses plot and plan revenge ; but knows what-so that we often long to the boldest among them is no match for the most diminutive of our print doubt, our poetry would be most exer's devils.
cellent, at once amusing and instrucBut, sir, after all, we are the idols tive; but the great gaping wideof a people's love. The great difficulty mouthed reading public, will not sufwith us is to prevent the nation at fer a man of the brightest parts to large from falling down and worship- cram down her throat an epic, dramaping us, who are but mortal like it- tic, or didactic poem. She will not self. We are far from wishing to see bolt it; it is known she won't; and anything of the sort; such enthusiasm when the old lady gets obstinate, raw may be carried beyond the bounds of ther than attempt to lead or drive her, propriety and good taste; and I am it is wisdom to dislodge an ass from a sure, Mr North, that you are the last chosen position, or persuade a porker man in the world to encourage such to trip along with alacrity to the scaldexcesses, which are indeed inconsist- ing-tub. Sometimes, to be sure, she ent with the sound sense and strong relaxes her muscles as if about to swalpassion of the British character. low, and approaches a quarto with the
Mr President, Sir John Cox Hippes apparent purpose of pawing it; but ley and Dr Mason Good (the trans- no-more prim than the primrose, our lator of Lucretius ?) have been lately Dowager recovers her self-possession, attacking the tread-mills; and John and purses up her mouth as if you Bull has joined his forces. Do not you were about unwarrantably to salute agree with these three distinguished her, and, retrograding to an ottoman, philanthropists, that men should not returns to the perusal of Quentin Dure use women with cruelty, if they can ward, or the Cook's Oracle. prevent it? Let the males tread away Perhaps our living poets are on an -but find a gentler exercise for the average gainers by this universal refemales. No strong or weak-bodied jection of their addresses. No man he-fellow of a pickpocket or purloiner can now laugh at his rival. Envy, is a proper object of compassion, ex- jealousy, hatred, and all uncharitable cept just as he is going to be hanged; ness, are or ought to be extinct among and if he sweat on the tread-mill to the sons of song. There is no spoiled the utmost wish of Hamlet himself, child in the family; and the austere wrench his instep, sprain his ankle, mother turns as deaf a brace of ears to dislocate his knee, and bring his back William Wordsworth, as to Leigh to the lumbago, there can be no ques. Hunt. Bards may continue to count tion whatever, that
their fingers, but there is no use in “ A wiser and a better man,
tagging syllables to their tips; and
what was formerly called inspiration, He'll rise to-morrow morn.
passes now for impertinence, idiotism, But even although no amendment or a blameable ignorance of the world in his morals be visible, is there not a in a grown-up man. There are still satisfaction in knowing that he is on many crimes which may be committhe Tread-Mill, battered and blistered ted with impunity, and even with eclat; to a most painful degree, and ineffec- but the highest character for abilities tually damning the keeper of the Brix- and integrity, will not avail a man ton, and the inventive spirit of the now-a-days against a volume of verses age? But this argument does not ap- clearly brought home to him ; and ply to females; anything like need- should he be an incorrigible offender, less cruelty to any woman is too shock- he must expect to lose caste, and bea ing and abhorrent from every British come Cockney feeling, to be long practised in the Things going on at this rate will shape of a legal enactment; and if the soon be as they should be, for although cruelty be accompanied (as in this we are advocates for the mitigation of case it is) with indecent, disgusting, punishment in most criminal cases, and degrading circumstances, it is still yet the utmost extremity of the law more odious.
should occasionally be enforced ; and Mr President, Poetry is a drug; there are enormities on which even Were we ourselves poets, we should the benevolent Mrs Fry would wish see the Public at the devil, rather than to see inflicted banishment to Cocksee her tossing aside a volume of ours, aigne, a punishment infinitely worse as if it were a last year's newspaper, than death. It is certainly rather disor a Number of the Liberal. No reputable to be a poet, and we have
long observed, that to be taxed with be wanting to express the exultation so being, in company, is an insult which I feel at this moment in the which few tempers can stomach. “I hatred of the enemies of Blackwood's a poet, sir! I rise to say it is false!” Magazine. From pallid and quivering And on such occasions, unless a man lips yell forth your curses ; let execrabe as meek as Mr Brougham himself, tions gurgle in your gullets, distended nothing seems left for it but an ap- with the rising gorge of your blackest peal to arms. If the party accused be bile; belch out your bitter blackguardmerely a bachelor, it matters little; ism lest you burst; clench your fists but if he have a spouse and progeny, till your fretted palms are pierced with it is melancholy to think how an im- the jagged edge of nails bitten in imputation made, perhaps, in a moment potent desperation ; stamp unclean of unguarded hilarity, may render the beasts with cloven feet on the fetid one a widow, and the others orphans. flags of your sty till the mire mounts
Indeed, people should consider well to your mouths; fall down fainting in before they bring any such serious ac- foamy fury, and with horrible distorcusation against the character of any tion of features, that render your faces man living under the same govern- hideous as your hearts, mumble mament and the same laws, children ledictions upon us, ye evil epileptics ! too of the same native soil. To a Our feet is upon your necks; you may rich man, or even a poor one who has howl, but rise shall you never ; your good connections, the charge may fangs shall not pierce the leather of prove innocuous; but what if it go our shoe. Why that mad brandishforth against the fifth son of a small ing of tails, ye serpent-crew, against landed proprietor, who has his bread fetters of fire? O sinful idiots ! Beelto bake and his beer to brew? Why, zebub was a Cockney, and Moloch the young man is ruined at the very was a radical; but what are ye but a outset of life, and years, ay, long small, pitiful fry of fiends, shrimps in wretched years, may crawl along over iniquity, mere adderlings, cockney, his head, before he is cautiously ad- cockatrices, of whom a million would mitted into some honest employment. not make one great boa constrictor! God knows, Mr President, that no O North, North—for I can call such young man can lay his ruin at you by the cold name of Mr Presiyour door. On the contrary, have you dent no more, let us indulge with not, often and often again, stept be- gusto in one gaffaw-HA-HA-AAtween them and destruction, assured ula-HA-HA-1A !!!!!!! A mighty the jealous old Public that no poets army approach against us! Music! were they,-convinced her that she Why, each regiment must have a band. was grievously mistaken in the cha- Marrow-bones and cleavers, by all racter of the writings laid before her, that is crashing and sonorous ! Hark that they were surely prose, and that the hurdy-gurdies ! Lo! the advanced these sons of honest men were no guard! By the immortal spirit of John shame to their parentage, and guilta Gilpin, there comes the cavalry! If less of that offence, as the babe un- the riders give point with their swords born. Depend upon it, my dear sir, as they do with their toes, how irrethat humanity is one of the brightest sistible the onset ! These are the jewels in your crown, and that, when Hampstead Heavy Dragoons, headed all the rancour of party is buried, am- by Hunt. You may ken Yellowple justice will be done to that rare Breeches by the tail-feather of the union of tenderness and determina- cock-pheasant sticking in his bonnet. tion, of softness and severity success- See how he is rising in his profession! fully exerted, which class you among Daylight gleams between the saddle the greatest benefactors of your spe- and his bounding bottom. cies, Numa, Draco, Lycurgus, Alfred, Wave, Cockaigne, all thy banners wave ! and Jeremy Bentham.
And charge with all thy chivalry! Mr President, we have our enemies, Now, North, let us give the Neland we rejoice in it. Were the Engé son war-cry-"Death or Westminster lish language more numerous a thou- Abbey !" Úp with your crutch, on sand-fold than it absolutely is, were your shelty; let me up behind you, there a hundred adjectives for one, and for he carries double; and, if you can no such thing as a feeble expletive in cut off Yellow-Breeches from the inain the vast vocabulary, words would still body, the day's our own.