CHAPTER XI. The mystic sounds mid silence that abide, To the elevation of Geraldine's thoughts, and the attendant peace of her heart, now succeeded interior trials the most acute. Instead of that immediate presence of God, in which she seemed to live, move, and have her being, she appeared far removed from him, nor was this desolation all. There came, like strokes of fire across her heart and brain, the self-upbraiding thought, that she had caused the death of her husband. Had she not often wished to live for God alone, and had not that continued wish been equivalent to a prayer for his decease? Then came the vivid remembrance of every word, or look, or even silence, that might have grieved him, followed by the last scene of his life. She saw his animated countenance, and manly form, vigorous in recovered hopes; she again heard his joyous shout, and saw him leap on the fatal plank, receive the cruel blow from the fall, and yet swim towards her. Oh! had he not done so, but turned from her to the nearer bank, the blood-vessels of the chest would not have burst-and it was she who, by her illtimed presence, had thus hurried him into eternity! -she, who so well knew his thoughts on death, and the preparation he would have desired to make. Had he done so, his spirit would have flown direct to God; but now it pines and suffers! and as she rested on these harrowing thoughts, the wail of the Miserere,' as she had heard it in the Sistine Chapel, five years before, seemed to float around her, and in it his voice could be distinguished. The recurrence at shorter intervals, and then the continuance of these agonizing thoughts, gave a troubled restless motion to her eyes, and a wild air to her whole manner, which deeply affected and alarmed the few who were admitted to see her; and at length she revealed to Mr. Bernard, that she expected to lose her senses under this mental trial, "I resigned my best and dearest friend,” cried she, "to what I thought the will of God, but I am now harassed by the belief, that it was not the will of God, but that anger he gave me my own will, and that I have killed De Grey." in "Have you struggled against these thoughts?” said Mr. Bernard. "I have," she replied; "at first I believed them to come from the enemy, but now they appear to be truth." "You must still believe them to come from the enemy of your soul," said Mr. Bernard. "In the eternal councils of God, the term of your husband's life was fixed; and to soften the bereavement to you, a strengthening grace was previously vouchsafed you, by which you were enabled to love God supremely, and the creature only in him. This, his great mercy, the enemy is endeavouring to hide from your eyes, that he may disturb and wound your soul. Do not trust yourself to reason with the tempter; say to him, "Get thee hence, Satan!" "But," said Geraldine, "it is very true, that during several months, I have wished that I could consecrate myself wholly to God, and what was this, but wishing the death of my husband? O! Mr. Bernard," cried she, suddenly, "had we gone over that first bridge, and joined him on the bank where he then was, his precious life would have been preserved." "Had Sir Eustace not ventured to cross the water, Almighty God would have employed some other means to fulfil his irrevocable design," said Mr. Bernard. "Do you believe that the purposes of God can be frustrated by our little plans? or, that He requires us for their fulfilment ?" "When I look on my affliction in that light," said Geraldine, "my heart is at peace, because to fulfil the adorable will of God, is all I desire; but to have led Eustace into danger, instead of saving him, is agony to me.” "Remember," said Mr. Bernard, "that if the sight of you induced him to attempt to reach the farthest bank, you were there by his own request." Geraldine only replied by deep sighs. 66 Lady De Grey," said Mr. Bernard, "I have scarcely ever attended a death-bed, where the minds of the affectionate attendants were not harassed by the afflicting thought of some mismanagement on their part. The only way to meet these painful interior suggestions, is by the firm conviction, that if the intention be pure, there is no act, on the part of the creature, which has not fulfilled the will of the Creator. I once witnessed an extraordinary instance of faith under a trial of this kind. A Catholic gentleman who was one of my penitents was on the eve of marriage, when he was seized with a violent fever. His own family, consisting of a mother and two sisters, attended him night and day, but his affianced bride was not permitted by her parents to incur the risk of seeing him, till, at length, having overcome their fears, she visited the sick room. The patient had been that morning pronounced out of danger, and to gratify his new nurse, she was left by the family to sit alone by him, and to give him his fever draught. 6 She gave him laudanum by mistake, and he never spoke again. In the midst of the lamentations, outcries, and upbraidings of the distracted family, she stood as if stunned by grief, till, at length, raising her hands and eyes to Heaven, she said, Lord, as thou willest, in the manner thou willest, and by whom thou willest.' She afterwards said to me, ‘I would have given my heart's-blood to save him, but God, who sees that heart, will not let it repine.' "I think of this young lady," added Mr. Bernard, "when I hear the customary, 'Ah! if another medical person had but been called in,' or, on the contrary, would that we had never consulted other advice. If he had but been sooner moved,' or 'would that he had never been moved, &c.' All this is opposed to the principle of true simple faith ; for I repeat it, supposing that a better plan had been acted upon, God would still have accomplished His inscrutable designs, in spite of prudence and skill, and every human device." 66 "I cannot," said Geraldine, " derive all the comfort you expect from the heroic faith of the lady whose example you propose to me, because her heart absolved her, and mine does not absolve me." "Why did you fly with such speed from one bridge to the other?" said Mr. Bernard. "Was it not to warn or rescue your husband from danger? Why did you in like manner seek the boat and men at the mill? Would you not willingly have risked your own life to save his?" "Not only have risked it, but have freely given it," replied she, but her sighs continued. "The lady, whose example I proposed to you," said Mr. Bernard, "had to bear the reality of that trial, which, with you, is but imaginary. She was actually the cause (humanly speaking) by which the soul of the being she best loved, was at once launched into eternity!" "But she had never wished his death," repeated our poor heroine, the wild melancholy returning to her eye. "Neither have you," replied Mr. Bernard; "and, however you may deceive and bewilder yourself, by an over-timorous conscience, you cannot in this matter deceive and bewilder your confessor. I now put you under obedience, to drive these thoughts from your mind, as instantly and resolutely as you would do those contrary to faith or purity, and I warn you, that if you do not obey, you will actually receive the punishment due to self-will; you will become, on that one topic, insane." "I think it very likely," said Geraldine, “for insanity is caused by the perpetually dwelling on one point, and that is what I have done lately." "It is not likely, unless by your own fault," said Mr. Bernard; "and remember that any indulgence for the future will be more than imprudent, it will be highly reprehensible. Exert the force of mind given you by Almighty God. Open your heart to all his rich and abundant gifts, and merit the return of interior peace. Heaviness may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." "Do you think," said Geraldine, "that this extreme pain and desolation of the soul is sent me as a punishment for my sins, or as a trial of my fidelity?" "In whichever light we view it," said Mr. Bernard, "you may draw from it great profit: looking at this withdrawal from you of the light and joy you have hitherto enjoyed, as a punishment due to you for many transgressions, you may view in it a portion of your purgatory, and receive it with the perfect submission and love which fills those holy souls who are there detained. How often have you said that you desired your soul might here go through its purifying process, and so in death fly |