« PoprzedniaDalej »
CUTTING IT SHORT. An old clergyman, who was very nice about his hair, which he wore in a large roll behind, after the old fashioned manner, was particular in his direction to a certain friseur, who was about to cut it. “ And be sure,” said he, “to leave it long enough behind to be rolled four or five times over my fingers.” The friseur, handing a chair for the gentleman's accommodation, replied—“Sir, your orders shall be strictly attended to.” Then entering into a long rigmarole story, the clergyman, after a while, desired him to cut it (the story) short. The story still continuing, to the great annoyance of the clergyman, he again said—“Cut it short;" this, however, being of no avail, he repeated—“I beg of you to cut it short and that instantly.” “Only put up your hand, sir,” answered the barber, “ 'tis as close to your pole as possible, and one more cut with the scissors would make a hole in your niddock."
FINE DAY. There is nothing more coinmended than a fine day; the reason is, that people can commend it without envy.
DISTRESS. “ How much can you pay us ? What can you offer in the pound ?” demanded the unfortunate creditors of a bankrupt farmer. “ Alas! gentlemen," replied the ruined inan, “all I have is a donkey in the pound !"
THE RAZOR. “ Does this razor go easy ?” asked a barber, of a victim who was writhing under a clumsy instrument, whose chief recommendation was a strong handle. “ Well,” replied the poor fellow, “ that depends on what you call the operation. If you are skinning me, it goes tolerably easy ; but if you are shaving me, it goes rather hard."
ANN BOLEYN'S GLOVES. ANN BOLEYN was marvellously dainty about her gloves. She had a nail which turned up at the side, and it was the delight of Queen Catharine to make her play at cards, without her gloves, in order that the deformity might disgust King Hal. The good Queen Bess was extravagant, fastidious, and capricious in the extreme, about her gloves. She used to display them to advantage in playing the virginal, and gloves at that time were expensive articles.
None are so fond of secrets as those who do not mean to keep them; such persons covet secrets as spendthrifts covet money, for the purpose of circulation.
WOMAN. Do not expect more in a woman than pertains to her sex, and you will find her as perfect and well-suited to her sphere, as the self-styled-lord of the creation.
Says a beau to a lady,“ pray name if you can,
“What is the reason," said an Irishman to another,
Nothing presents a more mournful aspect than a family divided by anger and animosity. We find brothers so indifferent towards each other, so wanting in affection, that they appear as if they had been cherished by the same fond heart, only to be for ever divided, by their tastes and manner of thinking. We also observe sisters maintain so much ill-will, animosity, and resent.. ment, and living in such secret but continual irritation of mind towards each other, that even the very stranger, when forced to be a witness of this melancholy state of feeling in the family, cannot but be shocked and pained. Indeed, it is but too common to behold individuals united by ties of blood, live together upon a much less intimate footing than with strangers, and shew themselves much less serviceable, and much less obliging the one to the other, than they are when occasion requires, to persons whom they know not. These people all desire to be happy, and yet they take the certain course to make themselves, as well as others, miserable,
“ Young man, do you know what relations you sustain in this world ?" said a minister of our acquaintance to a young member of the church.” “ Yes, sir,” said the hopeful convert, “two cousins and a grandmother, but I don't intend to sustain them much longer.”
COLERIDGE used to say, that the best pun in the English language, was made by Swift, when he saw a man walking along with a hare on his shoulder, and cried out to him :
“Is that your own hare or a wig."
A FATHER'S ADVICE. Jeems, mv lad, keep away from the gals. When you see one coming, dodge. Jest such a critter as that young 'un cleanin' the door-step on t'other side of the street, fool'd yer poor dad, Jimmy. If it had'nt been for her, you and yer dad might ha' been in Californey, huntin' diinuns, my son.
EARLY RISING. Place a basin of cold water by the side of your bed. When you first awake in the morning, dip your hands in the basin, and wet your brow, and sleep will not again seal you in its treacherous embrace. This is the advice given by an aged clergyman, who had been in the habit of rising early during a long life.
GRAMMATICAL QUESTIONS. What are the regular parts of speech ? The tongue, palate, and lips.—To what part of grammar do excise duties on intoxicating liquors belong ? "Sin-tax.- What is a love letter ? An indefinite article.- A creditor's letter ? A definite article.- A boy inforining against his companion ? Accusative case. The companion whipped ? Vocative case.—The master whipping ? An active verb, governing both the accusative and the vocative.—A bachelor ? A personal pronoun without the plural.
INDIAN POLITENESS. An Indian paper lately refused to publish eulogies gratis, but added—We will publish the simple announcement of the death of any of our friends with pleasure.
COBBLING SURGERY. A COBBLER has just located himself at Spalding, and attracts attention with the following address outside his shop :-“Surgery performed on old boots and shoes, by adding of feet, making good the legs, binding the broken, healing the wounded, altering the constitution, and supporting the body with new soles. No cure--no pay. Advice gratis on the most desperate cases.
A few days ago, an English gentleman, a visitor at the fashionable watering-place of Moffat, on passing the free church there, a very unecclesiastical looking building, asked a boy whose factory it was? The sharp-witted lad, after an involuntary consultation with the crown lawyers, replied—“Mr. Kinnear's.” “ Ay, and what does he manufacture here ?” “Sinners into saints, sir, was the ready answer."
CONCERTS OF THE MILLION The professed object of these concerts held at Exeter Hall, is the placing of select musical performances before the public, at the lowest remunerating terms of admission. Those already given, give good promise for the succeeding ones. Ainong the vocal and instrumental performers are several old favourites. Less of scientific, and more of popular pieces, are the only sure methods to attract the multitude. Let those who admire tours de force, have their select meetings with guinea tickets, when one half the audience are nodding. ON A MUSIC AND DANCING MASTER, AT BRIGHTON, WHO DECAMPED WITH A
Our gold he nimbly fingered ;
His movements have not lingered.
A moment's thought detects it,
A cord will be his exit.
A PATIENT, describing his complaint to the celebrated surgeon, Mr. Abernethy, said—“that his sight was so affected, he could see only three-fourths of an object.” “I understand you," observed Mr. A., " in my name, for instance, you would see a bare-knee only, and not the thigh.”
An Irishman was on board a vessel, which having been overtaken by a storm, the captain cried out—"All hands to the pump! 10 the bottom we'll go every soul!” “No, no,” said Paddy, “ you shall not cheat me. I have paid for my passage to England, and I'll be taken too."
A Young man, in expatiating on the advantages of being able to swim, said—“ that if a person, who could swim, should happen to fall into the water, he would feel as cool as by his own fireside.” “Yes,” observed a wag," and a little cooler too."
A LITTLE boy, not over ten years of age, was seen the other day cramming his mouth full of " fine cut,” when a gentleman standing by, somewhat amused at the spectacle, asked him—-" what he chewed tobacco for?” “What do I chew tobacco for ?” replied the boy, “why I chew to get the strength out of it, to be sure ! What d’ye think I chew it for ?”.
Mr. Watts left Lord Brougham not 50,000, but the choice of the best book in his library. The error arose from the supposition, that his lordship, with his usual discrimination, would choose Mr. Watts' banking book.
A YANKEE TRICK. UNCLE EB, as we used to call him, among lots of good qualities, had a failing. He loved good liquor, but such was the state of his credit, that no one would trust him. He therefore, one day, resorted to a trick, to answer the great desire of his appetite. He took two case bottles, put a quart of water in one, and started for the store. “I'll take a quart of your rum,” said Uncle Eb, as he placed the empty bolile on the counter. The rum was put up, and the bottle replaced in his pocket, when Uncle Eb pulled from his purse, what at a distance might seem, a quarter of a dollar. “This is nothing but tin, Uncle Eb," said the trader. “Eh! no, it's a quarter," said Uncle Eb. “ It's tin,” said the trader, “I shan't take it.” “It's all I have got.” “Very well; then you can't have the rum." Uncle Eb, without much demurring, pulled from his pocket the quart of water, the trader took it, poured it into his rum barrel, and off walked Uncle Eb chuckling.
PAT M'c — declared in company, that he had seen anchovies grow on the walls at Malta. Lieutenant F- contradicted him. Pat in a rage called the lieutenant out and shot him. At this good luck, Pat began to dance and sing, when one of the seconds said." Pat, my boy, you had better be off, and not stay here cutting your capers." “ Stop," says Pat, “ say that again.” “Why," said the second, “ you had better be off and not stand there cutting such capers." “ Faix," says Pat, very much dismayed, " and it was capers I ineant."
Two physicians, of considerable skill and eminence, lived in a town in America. One of them used no spirituons liquors, the other drank freely ; while one had acquired considerable property, the other remained poor. Meeting each other one day, as the former was returning from a distant town, with a richly painted and well-made carriage, the latter accosted him—“Doctor, how do you manage to ride in a carriage painted in so costly a manner ? I have been in practice as long and as extensively as you, and charge as inuch, but I can hardly live and drive the old one.” “ The paint on my carriage,” he replied, “ did not cost half as much as the paint on your face."
An auctioneer, from the Emerald Isle, while selling a stock of jewellery, was describing a pair of jet earrings to a very respectable company of ladies, when he exclaimed, very earnestly—“Indeed, if iny wife were a widow, I would positively buy them for her!”
“How is your wife to day,” said a friend to a French gentleman, “ Oh! moche de sem,” said he, “ she no better, and I'm afraid ver little waas. If she is gon to die, I wish she would do it soon; I feel so unhappie, iny mind is so inoche unset-tel. Ven she die, I shall not be so moche dissatisfied !"