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HOW TO ADMONISH. We must consult the gentlest manner and softest seasons of address ; our advice must not fall like a violent storm, bearing down and making those to droop, whom it is meant to cherish and refresh. must descend as the dew upon the tender herb, or like melting flakes of snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the inind. If there are few who have the humility to receive advice as they ought, it is often because there are as few who have the discretion to convey it in a proper vehicle, and to qualify the harshness and bitterness of reproof, against which corrupt nature is apt to revolt, by an artful mixture of sweetening and agreeable ingredients. To probe the wound to the bottom, with all the boldness and resolution of a good spiritual surgeon, and yet with all the delicacy and tenderness of a friend, requires a very dexterous and masterly hand. An affable deportment and complacency of behaviour will disarm the most obstinate. Whereas, if instead of pointing out their mistake, we break out into unseemly sallies of passion, we cease to have any influence.
COURAGE. Have the courage to tell a man why you will not lend him your money, he will respect you more than if you
you cannot. Have the courage to wear your old garments till you can pay
for Have the courage to make a will, and what is more, a just one. Have the courage to discharge a debt while you have the money
in your pocket. Have the courage to pass the bottle without filling your glass, and to laugh at those who urge you to the contrary. Have the courage to speak your mind, when it is necessary
should do so ; and to hold your tongue, when it is better that you should be silent.
“Well Blarney did you find the gentleman out ?"
“ Yes sir, by my soul did I." “ And what did he
“Say, the gentleman say; may I never touch another drop of whiskey, if he said a word to me, or I to him.” · Well, but what did you go for then. Did you not tell me that you found him ?” “Yes, by my soul, I found himn out.”
A PERSON who had got some little smattering of Zoological lore, said one day to a novice, “ that Crocodiles were often seen in tears.” “Oh! that's nothing," rejoined the novice, “ I have often seen Whales' blubber."
“ Here's to internal improvements,” as Dobbs said, when he swallowed a dose of salts.
“You have not shaved this morning,” said the muscle to the oyster. “ I never shave in bed,” was the oyster's reply, stroking down his beard.
CAUSE AND EFFECT. An old lady, who was apt to be troubled in her dreams, and rather superstitious with all, informed the parson of the parish, that on a night previous, she dreamed she saw her grandfather, who had been dead for ten years. The clergyman asked what she had been eating. “Oh! only half a mince pie.” “Well," said he, “ if you had devoured the other half, you might probably have seen your grandmother too."
ON A WINDY PARSON.
The text of his oration;
HAVING THE FIRST WORD. It is recorded in the most veritable of our Saxon chronicles that:
A very ready lady,
One Miss Baxter,
Before he ased her.
BELDEYCH, The distinguished poet of Holland, was, in his youth, so careless and idle, that he proved a source of anxiety to his father, who, one day came with a newspaper in his hand to stimulate him, by shewing him the advertisement of a prize offered by the Society of Leydon, and decreed to the author of a piece, signed with the words—" An author, 18 years old," who was invited to make himsell known. “You ought to blush, idler,” said old Beldeych to his son,
“ here is a boy, who is only of your age, and though so young, is the pride and happiness of his parents, and you "It's myself," answered young William, throwing himself upon his father's neck, who covered him with caresses and tears of joy.
The punishment of criminals should be of use, when a man is hanged he is good for nothing.-Voltaire.
THE best government is that in which the law speaks instead of the lawyer.
Truth is as impossible to be soiled by an outward touch as the sunbeam.-Milton.
If the spring put forth no blossoms, in summer there will be no beauty, and in autumn no fruit. So if youth be trifled away, without improvement, riper years will be contemptible and old age miserable.
A PUZZLING DEVICE. The proprietor of a tan-yard, adjacent to a certain town, in Virginia, concluded to build a stand, or a sort of store, in one of the main streets, for the purpose of vending his leather, buying raw hides, and the like. After completing his building, he began to consider what sort of a sign it would be best to put up for the purpose of attracting attention to his new establishinent, and for days and weeks he was solely puzzled on this subject. Several devices were adopted, and on further consideration rejected. At last a happy idea struck him. He bored an augur-hole through the door-post, and stuck a calf's tail into it, with the bushy end flaunting out. After a while, he noticed a grave looking personage standing near the door, with his spectacles on, gazing intently on the sign; and there he continued to stand gazing and gazing, until the curiosity of the tanner was greatly excited in turn. He slipped out and addressed the individual :“ Good morning," said he.
Morning,” said the other, without moving his eyes from the sign.
“ You want to buy leather ?” said the store-keeper. - No."
wish to sell hides p”.
« Do « No.
“Are you a farmer ?"
“ Are you a merchant ?"
" I'm a philosopher. I have been standing here for an hour, trying to see if I could ascertain how that calf got through that augur-hole, and I can't make it out to save my life.”
It is somewhat a singular fact, that restless as is the ocean, the path of your ship is the only part of it that is really a wake.”
A COUNTRY editor, in speaking of a steam-boat, says—"She has twelve births in her ladies' cabin." “ Oh! life of me,” exclaimed Mrs. Partington, on reading the above. “What squalling there must have been."
A TRAVELLER, among other narrations of wonders of foreign parts, declared he knew a cane a mile long. The company
looked incredulous, and it was evident they were not prepared to swallow it, even if it should have been a sugar cane.
Pray what kind of cane was it ?” “ It was a hurricane," replied the traveller.
A ROGUE'S GRATITUDE. "I PROMISE your honor, if you will pass a light sentence on me, I will reform and become an honest man,” said a criminal, who had been convicted of theft. The promise made an impression on the judge, and he passed as light a sentence as possible. “ May the hangman choke me, but that judge is a fine old fellow! I must send him something !” exclaimed the criminal, as he left the court; and behold, the next day, the judge received from an unknown hand a valuable gold watch of which he had been robbed two years before.
FANCY'S VISION OF THE SHADOWS,
Slowly and gently the shadows descending,
Stir up the fancies which busily throng,
She wakens emotions so fervent and strong.
of the lov'd lost ones to memory dear;
Drops from our eyelid the sorrowing tear.
Come then, sweet night! with thy quiet and rest;
HERBERT T. FRY.
DINNER VERSUS SMOKING. A RESPECTABLE farmer, living in the parish of German, used to be amused at hearing his reapers remark, after dinner, that they would prefer a smoke to the food that was set before them. He resolved to put the matter to the test, and on the following day caused two tables to be laid out, one well supplied with the usual food, and the other with tobacco pipes and tobacco. Just before the reapers went to dinner, he communicated to them, that he wished them all before him, as he had something very important to tell them. “What is it ?” was eagerly demanded. “ It is this,” said Mr. M. "I told you I would try you. Here are two tables well supplied, choose which you will, but you cannot have both.” The result was, every individual enjoyed his dinner, and left the pipes “alone in their glory."
Those who will not learn to speak a-propos should learn to hold their peace, for it is better to speak nothing than to bolt out follies.
SWINDLING EXTRAORDINARY. A man in the disguise of a Railway contractor, lately went into tavern at Dunfermline, and was followed by a person resembling an Irish navvie, demanding his wages from him. The contractor seemed greatly insulted, and to be in a passion at the conduct of the navvie, asking him, “Why he did not come for his wages on Saturday, and how he could have the assurance to dog him, demanding his wages on the Sabbath, that he would settle with him this once,
but would never do so again.” He (the contractor) then asked change for a pound from the landlord, which was readily granted, and in the meantime the landlord was dispatched for something to drink. While at the bar, the navvie decamped, carrying off the change, and to the apparent mortification of the contractor, he from some mistake, was not in possession of a pound note which he expected, but promised to call upon the landlord next day with the cash. His manner was such that no doubt attached but that he would do as he promised. It was, however, ascertained, that the whole affair was a villanous imposition, and that the trick had been played on the same day in no less than five different houses. The authorities are taking every means to discover the imposture. A STUDY FOR FRENCHMEN, IN ENGLISH
PRONUNCIATION. THIMBLERIG THISTLEWAITE, thievishly thought to thrive through thick and thin, by throwing his thimbles about; but he was thwarted, and thwacked, and thumped, and threshed with thirty thousand thistles and thorns, for thievishly thinking to thrive through thick and thin, by throwing his thimbles about.
A REPARTEE OF CHANCELLOR HYDE. MADAM CASTLEMAIN was very angry with him once (though he brought her into her dishonourable honour), and in great indignation told him, "I hope to live to see you hanged.” “Madam,” said he, “I hope to live to see you old.”
Two Cardinals found fault with Raffaelle, for having, in one of his pictures, given too florid a complexion to S. Peter and S. Paul.
Gentlemen,” replied the artist, ill-pleased with the criticism, "don't be surprised; I paint them just as they look in Heaven; they are blushing with shame to see the church below so badly governed."
Prudent men lock up their motives, letting familiars have a key to their heart as to their garden.
A VIRTUOUS mind chooses such amusements as least tend to vitiate the affections.