ROYAL WIT.

LORD ELDON told Miss Ridley, his niece, that the King, speaking to the Archbishop, Doctor Charles Manners Sutton, of his large family, used the expression-" I believe your Grace has better than a dozen." "No, sire," said the Archbishop, " only eleven.” "Well," replied the King, "is not that better than a dozen."

PROCRASTINATIONS,

BY DOCTOR MACKAY.

If fortune with a smiling face
Strew roses on our way,

When shall we stoop to pick them up?
To-day, my love, to-day!

But should she frown with face of care,
And talk of coming sorrow,

When shall we grieve, if grieve we must?

To-morrow, love, to-morrow!

If those who have wrong'd us own their faults,

And kindly pity pray,

When shall we listen and forgive?

To-day, my love, to-day!

But if stern justice urge rebuke,

And warmth from memory borrow,

When shall we chide, (if chide we dare)?

To-morrow, love, to-morrow!

If those to whom we owe a debt,
Are harmed unless we pay,

When shall we struggle to be just?

To-day, my love, to day!

But if our debtor fail our hope,

And plead his ruin thorough,

When shall we weigh his breach of faith?
To-morrow, love, to-morrow!

If love, estranged should once again
Her general smile display,

When shall we kiss her proffered lips?
To-day, my love, to-day!

But, if she would indulge regret,

Or dwell with by-gone sorrow,

When shall we weep (if weep we must)?
To-morrow, love, to-morrow!

For virtuous acts and harmless joys,
The minutes will not stay;

We've always time to welcome them
To-day, my love, to-day!

But care, resentment, angry words,
And unavailing sorrow,

Come far too soon, if they appear
To-morrow, love, to-morrow!

THE evils of the world will continue until philosophers become kings, or kings become philosophers.—Plato.

MOTHER.

ROUND the idea of one's mother the mind of man clings with fond affection. It is the first sweet deep thought stamped upon our infant hearts, when yet soft, and capable of receiving the most profound impressions; and all the after feelings of the world are more or less light in comparison. We do not know that even in our old age, we do not look back to that feeling as the sweetest we have known through life. Our passions and our wilfulness may lead us far from the object of our filial love; we learn even to pain her heart, to oppose her wishes, to violate her commands; we may become wild, headstrong, and angry at her counsels, or her oppositions; but when death has stilled her monitory voice, and nothing but calm memory remains to recapitulate her virtues, and good deeds, affection, like a flower beaten to the ground, by a past storm, raises up her head, and smiles among her tears. Round that idea the mind clings with fond affection, and even when the early period of our loss forces memory to be silent, fancy takes the place of remembrance, and twines the image of our dead parent with a garland of graces, and beauties, and virtues, which we doubt not that she possessed.

AN English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, after he had suffered amputation with the greatest courage, he saw his servant crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room. "None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog," said the master, 66 you know you are very glad, for now you will have only one boot to clean, instead of two.'

AN Irishman fights before he reasons. A Scotchman reasons before he fights. An Englishman is not particular as to the order of precedence, but will do either, to accommodate his customers.

A PREMIUM being lately offered by an agricultural society for the best mode of irrigation, and the latter word, by mistake of the printer, having been changed into irritation, a farmer sent his wife to claim the prize.

"My dear Magny," said a city knight, "I never shall put down suicide, until we can punish it with death."

"BE sharp my blade," as the butcher boy said when grinding his knife.

"SAM," said one little urchin to another, the other day, "Sam, does your school-master ever give you any rewards of merit ?" "I s'pose he does," was the rejoinder; "he gives me a lickin' every day and says I merits too.'

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"LET me have a pound of muscles, my good woman, will you ?"

Pound, sir, we don't sell them by weight, we sell them by measure." "Then let me have a yard."

CARRYING A JOKE TOO FAR.

THE phrase, "sending to Coventry," has for some time been known to express the punishment inflicted upon a person by not speaking to him, and which being frequently adopted by a master tradesman with respect to his journeymen, the latter presuming upon his general character that they could take liberties with him, agreed together to "send him to Coventry," for the course of a whole week. Accordingly, not one of them would speak to him, or answer any question he put. This, till Saturday evening, passed well enough; the master, however, then actually went out of town, and when the men came down to the counting-house, as usual, to be paid, they found these words written over the door :"Gone to Coventry."

THE DYING WIFE.

You have brought me to the spot, William,

Where we first owned we loved;

And I weep to think, I am so soon

To be from you removed.

But let this soothe your grief, William,
As wifeless on you rove,

That Mary with her dying lips,

Said-" All was right above."

We hoped for many years, William,
Together here to dwell;

But God hath willed it otherwise

His way's inscrutable.

Then cease to shed these tears, William,

That give your Mary pain;

Though soon we part, soon shall we meet,
And never part again.

Is there one wish unnamed, William ?
Then listen unto me!

I would the little one I leave

A child of God might be ;

And when she cries, "mamma, William,"
And no mamma is near,

Think then of her who dying wished
She Jesu's love might share.

And now, and now, for aye, William,
I bid this spot farewell,

And giving up each tie can say-
"He doeth all things well,"

While you supported by His hand,

Hereafter shall exclaim

"The Lord doth give and take away,

And blessed be His name !"

DOCTOR JOHNSON compared plaintiff and defendant in an action at law, to two men ducking their heads in a bucket, and daring each other to remain longest under the water.

WHAT I WOULD DO.

IF I was possessed of the most valuable things in the world, and was about to will them away, the following would be my plan of distribution :—I would give the world truth and friendship, which are scarce, very scarce. I would give an additional portion of truth to lawyers, traders, and merchants. I would give to physicians skill and learning. I would give to printers their pay. To gossipping women short tongues. To young women, good sense, modesty, large waist, and natural teeth. To young sprouts or dandies, common sense, little cash, and hard labour. To old maids, good temper, smooth faces, and little and good husbands. To old bachelors, love for virtue, wives, and children.

AN ORIENTAL PROVERB.

You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from flying over your heads, but you may prevent them from stopping to build their nests there.

NECESSITY OF SIMPLICITY.

A PROPOSITION must be plain to be adopted by the understanding of a people. A false notion, which is clear and precise, will always meet with a greater number of adherents in the world, than a true principle, which is obscure or involved. Hence it arises, that parties, which are like small communities, in the heart of the nation, invariably adopt some principle, or some name as a symbol, which very inadequately represents the end they have in view, and the means which are at their disposal, but without which they could neither act nor subsist. The governments, which are founded upon a single principle, or single feeling, which is easily defined, are perhaps not the best, but they are unquestionably the strongest and the most durable in the world.

"JIM," inquired a school-boy of one of his mates, "what is the meaning of relics ?" "Don't know." "Well, I can tell you; you know the master licked me in school yesterday "" "Yes. "Well, he was not satisfied with that, but kept me in the school and licked me again. That is what I call a re-lick."

"YOU'RE casting reflections on me," as the Serpentine, in Hyde Park, said to the moon.

A WELSH rabbit is thus defined in Brady's Varieties of Literature:-" Bread and cheese wasted, that is a Welsh rare-bit."

"PAPA may I go a shooting ?" "Yes, my dear, but mind you don't kill anything."

"I'LL jump at that conclusion," as the flea said, when the man made up his mind to catch him.

HOW TO ADMONISH.

WE must consult the gentlest manner and softest seasons of address; our advice must not fall like a violent storm, bearing down and making those to droop, whom it is meant to cherish and refresh. It must descend as the dew upon the tender herb, or like melting flakes of snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. If there are few who have the humility to receive advice as they ought, it is often because there are as few who have the discretion to convey it in a proper vehicle, and to qualify the harshness and bitterness of reproof, against which corrupt nature is apt to revolt, by an artful mixture of sweetening and agreeable ingredients. To probe the wound to the bottom, with all the boldness and resolution of a good spiritual surgeon, and yet with all the delicacy and tenderness of a friend, requires a very dexterous and masterly hand. An affable deportment and complacency of behaviour will disarm the most obstinate. Whereas, if instead of pointing out their mistake, we break out into unseemly sallies of passion, we cease to have any influence.

COURAGE.

HAVE the courage to tell a man why you will not lend him your money, he will respect you more than if you tell him you cannot. Have the courage to wear your old garments till you can pay for new ones. Have the courage to make a will, and what is more, a just one. Have the courage to discharge a debt while you have the money in your pocket. Have the courage to pass the bottle without filling your glass, and to laugh at those who urge you to the contrary. Have the courage to speak your mind, when it is necessary that you should do so; and to hold your tongue, when it is better that you should be silent.

"WELL Blarney did you find the gentleman out?" "Yes sir, by my soul did I." "And what did he say ?" "Say, the gentleman say; may I never touch another drop of whiskey, if he said

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a word to me, or I to him." "Well, but what did you go for then. Did you not tell me that you found him ?" Yes, by my soul, I found him out."

A PERSON who had got some little smattering of Zoological lore, said one day to a novice, "that Crocodiles were often seen in tears." "Oh! that's nothing," rejoined the novice, "I have often seen Whales' blubber."

"HERE'S to internal improvements," as Dobbs said, when he swallowed a dose of salts.

"You have not shaved this morning," said the muscle to the oyster. "I never shave in bed," was the oyster's reply, stroking down his beard.