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PUNCH. Within these few years, thousands upon thousands of the previously temperate, have become fond of Punch.—(A paper of wit.)

THE PLAGUE. “My dear,” said a wise to her husband,“ did you ever read of the plague in London ?” “No, I don't want to read it, it's enough to have a plague in your own house."

ADVANTAGE OF BEING BRAINLESS. A TAILOR, following an army, was wounded in the head by an

When the surgeon saw the wound, he told his patient, that, as the weapon had not touched his brain, there was no doubt of his recovery. The tailor said—“If I had possessed any brains I should not have been here."

arrow.

A TYPOGRAPHICAL PUN. “I STAND in need of small caps," as the printer's wife said, when she presented her husband with a little responsibility.

Sin and punishment like the shadow of the body, are never apait.

MARRIAGE is the nursery of Heaven.
CEREMONY is necessary as the outwork and defence of manners.
PRUDENCE is the virtue of civilized nations.
Time is a quality of which the value rises as long as we live.
A TRADESMAN is never too high to fall or too low to rise.

SOCIETY, like shaded silk, must be viewed in all situations, or its colours will deceive us.

SLEEP is the fallow of the mind.

COVETOUSNESS, like a candle ill-made, smothers the splendour of a happy fortune in its own grease.

THERE are graves no time can close.

We seldom find people ungrateful so long as you are in a condition to serve them.

The religion of Christ is peace and good-will.
The religion of Christendom is war and ill-will.

FLATTERY is a sort of bad money to which our vanity gives currency.

COMMENTATORS are folks that too often write on books as men with diamonds write on glass, obscuring light with scratches.

ROYAL WIT. LORD Eldon told Miss Ridley, his niece, that the King, speaking to the Archbishop, Doctor Charles Manners Sutton, of his large family, used the expression—“I believe your Grace has better than a dozen." "No, sire," said the Archbishop, “only eleven." “Well,” replied the King, “is not that better than a dozen.”

PROCRASTINATIONS,

BY DOCTOR MACKAY.

If fortune with a smiling face

Strew roses on our way,
When shall we stoop to pick them up ?

To-day, my love, to-day!
But should she frown with face of care,

And talk of coming sorrow,
When shall we grieve, if grieve we must ?

To-morrow, love, to-morrow!
If those who have wrong'd us own their faults,

And kindly pity pray,
When shall we listen and forgive ?

To-day, my love, to-day !
But if stern justice urge rebuke,

And warmth from memory borrow,
When shall we chide, (if chide we dare)?

To-morrow, love, to-morrow!
If those to whom we owe a debt,

Are harmed unless we pay,
When shall we struggle to be just ?

To-day, my love, to day!
But if our debtor fail our hope,

And plead bis ruin thorough,
When shall we weigh his breach of faith ?

To-morrow, love, to-morrow!
If love, estranged should once again

Her general smile display,
When shall we kiss her proffered lips ?

To-day, my love, to-day!
But, if she would indulge regret,

Or dwell with by-gone sorrow,
When shall we weep (if weep we must)?

To-morrow, love, to-morrow !
For virtuous acts and harmless joys,

The minutes will not stay ;
We've always time to welcome them

To-day, my love, to-day !
But care, resentment, angry words,

And unavailing sorrow,
Come far too soon, if they appear

To-morrow, love, to-morrow !

The evils of the world will continue until philosophers become kings, or kings become philosophers.--Plato.

MOTHER. Round the idea of one's mother the mind of man clings with fond affection. It is the first sweet deep thought stamped upon our infant hearts, when yet soft, and capable of receiving the most profound impressions; and all the after feelings of the world are more or less light in comparison. We do not know that even in our old age, we do not look back to that feeling as the sweetest we have known through life. Our passions and our wilfulness may lead us far from the object of our filial love; we learn even to pain her heart, to oppose her wishes, to violate her commands; we may become wild, headstrong, and angry at her counsels, or her oppositions ; but when death has stilled her monitory voice, and nothing but calm memory remains to recapitulate her virtues, and good deeds, affection, like a flower beaten to the ground, by a past storm, raises up her head, and smiles among her tears, Round that idea the mind clings with fond affection, and even when the early period of our loss forces memory to be silent, fancy takes the place of remembrance, and twines the image of our dead parent with a garland of graces, and beauties, and virtues, which we doubt not that she possessed.

An English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, after he had suffered amputation with the greatest courage, he saw his servant crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room. “ None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog," said the master, “ you know you are very

glad, for now you will have only one boot to clean, instead of two.

An Irishman fights before he reasons. A Scotchman reasons before he fights. An Englishman is not particular as to the order of precedence, but will do either, to accommodate his customers.

A PREMIUM being lately offered by an agricultural society for the best mode of irrigation, and the latter word, by mistake of the printer, having been changed into irritation, a farmer sent his wife to claim the prize.

“My dear Magny," said a city knight," I never shall put down suicide, until we can punish it with death.”

“BE sharp my blade,” as the butcher boy said when grinding his knife.

“Sam,” said one little urchin to another, the other day, “Sam, does your school-master ever give you any rewards of merit ?” “I s'pose he does," was the rejoinder ; "he gives me a lickin' every day and says I merits too. ”

“Let me have a pound of muscles, my good woman, will you ?" “ Pound, sir, we don't sell them by weight, we sell them by measure.' • Then let me have a yard.”

CARRYING A JOKE TOO FAR. The phrase, “sending to Coventry,” has for some time been known to express the punishment inflicted upon a person by not speaking to him, and which being frequently adopted by a master tradesman with respect to his journeymen, the latter presuming upon his general character that they could take liberties with him, agreed together to “send him to Coventry,” for the course of a whole week. Accordingly, not one of them would speak to him, or answer any question he put. This, till Saturday evening, passed well enough; the master, however, then actually went out of town, and when the men came down to the counting-house, as usual, to be paid, they found these words written over the door :

“Gone to Coventry.”

THE DYING WIFE.
You have brought me to the spot, William,

Where we first owned we loved;
And I weep to think, I am so soon

To be from you removed.
But let this soothe your grief, William,

As wifeless on you rove,
That Mary with her dying lips,

Said--" All was right above.”
We hoped for many years, William,

Together here to dwell;
But God hath willed it otherwise-

His way's inscrutable.
Then cease to shed these tears, William,

That give your Mary pain;
Though soon we part, soon shall we meet,

And never part again.
Is there one wish unnamed, William ?

Then listen unto me!
I would the little one I leave

A child of God might be ;
And when she cries, "mamma, William,”

And no mamma is near,
Think then of her who dying wished

She Jesu's love might share.
And now, and now, for aye, William,

I bid this spot farewell,
And giving up each tie can say-

“ He doeth all things well,”
While you supported by His hand,

Hereafter sball exclaim
“ The Lord doth give and take away,

And blessed be His name !"

Doctor Johnson compared plaintiff and defendant in an action at law, to two men ducking their heads in a bucket, and daring each other to remain longest under the water.

WHAT I WOULD DO. IF I was possessed of the most valuable things in the world, and was about to will them away, the following would be my plan of distribution :- I would give the world truth and friendship, which are scarce, very scarce. I would give an additional portion of truth to lawyers, traders, and merchants. I would give to physicians skill and learning. I would give to printers their pay. To gossipping women short tongues. To young women, good sense, modesty, large waist, and natural teeth. To young sprouts or dandies, common sense, little cash, and hard labour. To old maids, good temper, smooth faces, and little and good husbands. To old bachelors, love for virtue, wives, and children.

AN ORIENTAL PROVERB. You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from flying over your heads, but you may prevent them from stopping to build their nests there.

NECESSITY OF SIMPLICITY. A PROPOSITION must be plain to be adopted by the understanding of a people. A false notion, which is clear and precise, will always meet with a greater number of adherents in the world, than a true principle, which is obscure or involved. Hence it arises, that parties, which are like small communities, in the heart of the nation, invariably adopt some principle, or some name as a symbol, which very inadequately represents the end they have in view, and the means which are at their disposal, but without which they could neither act nor subsist. The governments, which are founded upon a single principle, or single feeling, which is easily defined, are perhaps not the best, but they are unquestionably the strongest and the most durable in the world.

« Yes.'

“Jim," inquired a school-boy of one of his mates, “what is the meaning of relics ?" “ Don't know.” Well, I can tell you; you know the master licked me in school yesterday P" « Well, he was not satisfied with that, but kept me in the school and licked me again. That is what I call a re-lick.”

“You're casting reflections on me," as the Serpentine, in Hyde Park, said to the moon.

A Welsh rabbit is thus defined in Brady's Varieties of Literature :-“ Bread and cheese wasted, that is a Welsh rare-bit.”

“ PAPA may I go a shooting ?” “Yes, my dear, but mind you don't kill anything."

“I'll jump at that conclusion,” as the flea said, when the man made up his mind to catch him.

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