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TOO TRUE. THERE are four good mothers, of whom are often born four unhappy daughters. Truth, begets hatred; happiness, pride ; security, danger; and familiarity, contempt.
A NUN'S WISH. SOUTHEY, in bis Omnia, relates the following :- When I was last in Lisbon, a Nun made her escape from a Nunnery. The first thing for which she inquired, when she reached the house in which she was to be secreted, was a looking glass. She had entered the Convent when only five years old, and from that time had never seen her own face.
EGOTISM. “It is a hard and nice subject,” says Cowley, “for a man to speak of himself; it grates his own heart to say any thing of disparagement, and the reader's ears to hear any thing of praise from him.”
DOCTOR JOHNSON. When Mrs. Hannah Moore asked him why he drank no wine, he honestly and wisely said, “ Because if I drink at all, I shall drink too much. Abstinence is as easy as moderation is difficult.”
YANKEE DOODLE. An American Paper remarks, since the late triumphs of Yankees in steaming, sailing, &c., Yankee doodle do, should be changed in England, to Yankee doodle did.
THE PALE FACES. FREDRIKA BREMER, the other day in Winconsin, was invited to sit near the Fire, where some other ladies were seated, but replied, “No, No; you American ladies are very handsome, but you are too white; you sit down by a Fire of your own making, and neglect the great Fire that God has placed in the Heavens, which would give you health and colour.'
POLITENESS Is like an air cushion—there may be nothing solid in it, but its cases jolt wonderfully.
AN IRISH ADVERTISEMENT. If a gentleman, who keeps a shoe store, with a red head, will return the umbrella which he borrowed of a young lady, with an ivory handle, he will hear of something to her advantage.
never scolds, never suffers a rent to remain in her husband's small clothes, keeps her shoes up at the heel and her stockings darned, never wonders at what her husband sees interesting in the young woman who lives across the way, never slams the door loud when her husband is speaking, and always reproves the children when they eat their father's supper.
KNOWLEDGE CANNOT be acquired without pains and application. It is troublesome and like deep digging for pure waters; but when once you come to the spring, they rise up and meet you.
“ STILL so gently o’er me stealing,” as the man said when he heard a thief in bis garret.
Among the novelties advertised in the papers, are “ single and married bedsteads."
Some one says, poetically, “ that woman is the melody of the human duet."
There is a Quaker, in Philadelphia, so upright, that he wont sit down to his meals; and so down right in all his acts, that he never goes up stairs, but lodges in the basement.
THERE are three or four things which it seems very awkward for a woman to do, viz., to whistle, to throw stones at a cow, smoke a cigar, or climb a garden fence.
Comfort in a storm is best insured by taking shelter in some friend's house about the time he is going to dinner, making him bring out his best port, and cracking walnuts by the fireside afterwards.
LET a woman be decked with all the embellishments of art and nature, yet if boldness be read in her face, it blots out all the lines of beauty.
A GENTLEMAN was awakened in the night and was told that his wife was dead. He turned round, drew the coverlid closer, pulled down his night cap, and muttered, as he went to sleep again, Oh! how grieved I shall be in the morning.”
“ MARGARET, what did you do with all that tallow, Mr. Jones greased his boots with this morning ?” “ Please marm, I baked the griddle cakes with it.” “ Lucky you did, miss—I thought you had wasted it.”
A LEARNED counsel once said to a wituess—"Sir, did I understand you to say, that you saw the defendant strike the plaintiff ?” “I know not what you may have understood," said the witness, “ but if my eyes served me properly, I certainly did witness a maneuvre that would warrant such a description.”
FIRST STEP TO MISERY. The first step to misery is to nourish in ourselves an affection for evil things, and the height of misfortune is to be able to indulge such affections.
A SECRET. THERE is a gentleman in the Legislature who can be trusted with any secret-for nothing he can say will be believed.
SOMETHING NICE FOR A SERPENT. As the boa-constrictor, at the Zoological Gardens, has swallowed his bed, the council of the society has ordered him blanket puddings.
ODDITIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. A FOREIGNER wants to know why we call a washerwoman land-ress, when she is always dabbling in the vatre.
WIT IN THE NEW CUT. A dyer has hung up in his shop window the following label :“ Decorum est pro Patria Mori.”
THE NATURAL MORALIST. The autumnal breeze is not celebrated for making good resolutions, and yet it keeps turning over a new leaf,
BOOTS. He that wears a tight boot is apt to have a narrow understanding.
EXTRAORDINARY INSTANCE OF APPLICATION. THERE is not a more extraordinary instance of constant application than that which is shown by the Tax-gatherer.
AN UNFORTUNATE MAN. THERE is a man who has tried all manner of things, and never found any thing answer but “ Echo.".
A RECIPE FOR SEEDY CAKE. MAKE a tipsy cake over night; the tipsy cake will sure to be seedy cake the next morning.
IN-DOOR GARDENING. On cold damp nights in winter, prepare hot beds with a warmingpan.
WHERE TO GO ? “WHERE shall we go to-day ?” is a question often asked, every morning, by visitors from the country, at breakfast. “Why you had better go home; you have spent all your money, and lost your time, and if you remain any longer in London, you will be very dissatisfied with the monotony of your native village."
A CAPITAL RIDING HABIT.
HORNE'S TRAGEDY. Taking a friend home when there is nothing but cold meat for dinner.
THE NATURE OF GREEK FIRE. What the celebrated Greek Fire was, is not exactly known : but it seems to have resembled Irish impudence, in as much as it could never be put out. Strange, however, that the extreme of heat should be comparable to the height of coolness.
YANKEEISM. I KNOW a maiden old lady down in Virginia, who objects to the study of gardening, because she says, “it is a naughty culture” (an horticulture).
CHILD'S DISSOLVING VIEWS.
ADVANTAGE OF JOLLITY. What's the odds so you're happy ? Ten to one in your favour.
FAST DAYS. The following are the principal Fast Days during the current year:Days of call to the bar, when young gentlemen are invested with
a barrister's wig and gown. Days of passing the College of Surgeons, and the Apothecaries'
Hall, by medical aspirants.
Fast Days begin at any hour after breakfast and terminate “next morning.'
POETRY OF THE ANTI-Jacobin. SUPPOSE the young, heedless, raw, and inexperienced in the hands of money scriveners, such fellows are like your wire-drawing mills, if they get hold of a man's finger, they will pull in his whole body at last, till they squeeze him, the heart, blood, and guts out of him. DUBELLAMY, who was at one period of his life a shoemaker, afterwards became an actor, and that when he had quitted his original occupation for the stage, he, one day, gallanted some ladies to a shop, in Cranbourne Alley, London, who went thither to purchase shoes. In his great zeal to see them well fitted, he found such technical fault with the articles offered to them for sale, that the journeyman “spied a brother," and could bear it no longer. “ Come, come, masier,” said he, to Dubellamy, “ this is telling the secrets of the trade, and that is not fair to one another."
THE MARY-LE-BONE SEMINARY, IN LONDON, Was, at one time, a fashionable stepping stone to Westminster and other public schools, of the first order. The head master of it, Old Doctor Fountain (“Principium et Fons "), was a worthy, good natured, Domine, in a bush wig; and his wife had a head of hair which exhibited a prodigious variety of colours. This diversity of tints must have arisen from different experiments she practised upon her tresses; and so conspicuous was the effect, that if Beremice's locks had a right to rank among the stars, Mrs. Fountain's chevelure had as clear a claim to pass for a rainbow.
It is odd that this lively old lass, whose faded charms still testified that she had been a fine woman, should have anticipated, by many a year, the chemical attempts now made to beautify ringlets, eye brows, whiskers, and mustachoes. Whatever were the ingredients of her specifics, they evidently failed as much as those modern infallibles which have rendered a purple pate, upon human shoulders, more common than a Blue Boar upon a sign post. But although Dame Fountain rejected powder and pomatum (which were universally worn), she nevertheless so far conformed with the prevalent female fashions, as to erect a formidable messuage, or tenement of hair, upon the ground-plot of her pericranium.
A towering toupie pulled up all but by the roots, and strained over a cushion on the top of her head, formed the centre of the building ; tiers of curls served for the wings; a hanging chignon behind defended her occiput like a buttress, and the whole fabric was kept tight and weather proof, as with nails and iron cramps, by a quantity of long single and double black pins.