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TEA AND COFFEE GROUNDS. Among the various grounds on which the future can be predicted, are those of tea and coffee. The sloe leaf indicates that you have been cheated by your grocer. Grains of sand suggest the propriety of going to another shop for sugar. And chicory, red ochre, or mahogany sawdust, throws a slight doubt as to the purity of your grocer's boasted Mocha.
RUNAWAY WIVES AT THE CAPE. We copy the following advertisement from the Graham's Town Journal :- ELOPEMENTS ! Ladies wishing to be freed from the tyranny of their husbands, can be accommodated by applying to No. 103, New Street, Graham's Town. N.B.-Saddle horses always in readiness.
SINGULAR EFFECT OF FOOD ON THE SYSTEM. A man in this city informs us, that for many weeks past 'he has been sadly afflicted with drowsiness, and a desire to sleep, even before the god of day has gone down. For a long time he was unable to discover the cause, but he did so at last satisfactorily. He says, “ that for several months he has been in the habit of taking with his breakfast, hens' eggs, served up in various forms--fried, boiled, and raw—until he is convinced that they have so entered his system that it is become necessary for him to retire when the hens go to roost !" If it also has the effect to arouse him in the morning at the hour the hens are abroad, we think the result will be beneficial in the end; but of this the man did not inform us. Lowell (U. S.) Vox Populi.
THE CHINAMAN AND HIS WIVES. CHUNG ATTAI and his brace of wives-his two better halveshave been introduced to the Queen and the Prince at Osborne. An illustrious lady was heard to remark that for one husband to have a couple of wives, seemed an odd way of matching China ; very like giving one cup to two saucers.
TO PARENTS. Boys that have been properly reared are men in point of usefulness at 16, while those that have been brought up in idleness are a nuisance at 21.
THE MARRIED LADIES OF FAIRMONT, N. J. Have organised themselves into an Independent Order of Odd Ladies, in order to be revenged upon their Odd Fellow Husbands. Their Lodge is kept open half an hour longer at night than that of their husbands. “Who take care of the babies ?"
A QUERY. Can any body tell us whether Cleopatra's was the Needle that took the stitch in time that saved nine ?
THE PRIME MINISTER AT BALMORAL AND A
HIGHLAND WOMAN. A GOOD joke is related of an old Highland woman, who came trudging an immense distance over the hills, having heard that the Prime Minister was to be at the Kirk on Sunday last. What thinks the reader was her errand ? She had heard of Lord John Russell, the Prime “ Meenister of all England, and she expected to hear him hold forth in shoobleme discourse.”
WAYS TO HAPPINESS. THERE are two ways of being happy, we may either diminish our wants or augment our ineans; either will do, the result is the same; and it is for each man to decide for himself, and to do that which inay happen to be the easiest. If you are idle or sick, however hard it may be to diminish your wants, it will be easier than to augment your means. If you are active and prosperous, or young or in health, it may be easier to augment your wants. But if you are wise, you will do both at the same time, young or old, sick or well, rich or poor; and if you are very wise, you will do both in such a way as to auginent the general happiness of society.
WORDS FOR A WEDDING. Do not run much from home. One's own hearth is of more worth than gold. Many a marriage begins like a rosy morning, and then falls away like a snow wreath. And why my friends ? Because the married pair neglect to be as well pleasing to each other after marriage as before. Endeavour always to please one another, but at the same time keep God in yonr thoughts. Lavish not all your love on to-day, for remember that marriage has its to-morrow like.. wise, and its day after to-morrow, too. Consider what the word “ wise" expresses. The married woman is the husband's domestic faith, in her hand he must be able to entrust to her the key of bis heart, as well as the key of his eating room. His honour and his home are under her keeping—his well being in her hand. Think of this ! And you, sons, be faithful husbands, and good fathers of families. Act so that your wives shall esteem and love you.
A GOOD WIFE, Says an American editor, is one who puts her husband in at the side of the bed next to the wall, and tucks him up to keep him warm, in the winter, splits the wood, makes the fire in the inorning, washes her busband's face, and draws on his boots for him,
never scolds, never suffers a rent to remain in her husband's small clothes, keeps her shoes up at the heel and her stockings darned, never wonders at what her husband sees interesting in the young woman who lives across the way, never slams the door loud when her husband is speaking, and always reproves the children when they eat their father's supper.
KNOWLEDGE Cannot be acquired without pains and application. It is troublesome and like deep digging for pure waters; but when once you come to the spring, they rise up and meet you.
“ STILL so gently o’er me stealing,” as the man said when he heard a thief in bis garret.
Among the novelties advertised in the papers, are "single and married bedsteads."
Some one says, poetically, “ that woman is the melody of the human duet.”
There is a Quaker, in Philadelphia, so upright, that he wont sit down to his meals; and so down right in all his acts, that he never goes up stairs, but lodges in the basement.
THERE are three or four things which it seems very awkward for a woman to do, viz., to whistle, to throw stones at a cow, smoke a cigar, or climb a garden fence.
COMFORT in a storm is best insured by taking shelter in some friend's house about the time he is going to dinner, making him bring out his best port, and cracking walnuts by the fireside afterwards.
LET a woman be decked with all the embellishments of art and nature, yet if boldness be read in her face, it blots out all the lines of beauty.
A GENTLEMAN was awakened in the night and was tald that his wife was dead. He turned round, drew the coverlid closer, pulled down his night cap, and muttered, as he went to sleep again,“ Oh! how grieved I shall be in the morning.”
« MARGARET, what did you do with all that tallow, Mr. Jones greased his boots with this morning ?” “ Please marm, I baked the griddle cakes with it.” “ Lucky you did, miss—I thought you had wasted it.”
A LEARNED counsel once said to a wituess—"Sir, did I understand you to say, that you saw the defendant strike the plaintiff ?" “I know not what you may have understood,” said the witness, “ but if my eyes served me properly, I certainly did witness a manæuvre that would warrant such a description."
FIRST STEP TO MISERY. The first step to misery is to nourish in ourselves an affection for evil things, and the height of misfortune is to be able to indulge such affections.
A SECRET. THERE is a gentleman in the Legislature who can be trusted with any secret-for nothing he can say will be believed.
SOMETHING NICE FOR A SERPENT. As the boa-constrictor, at the Zoological Gardens, has swallowed his bed, the council of the society has ordered him blanket puddings.
ODDITIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. A FOREIGNER wants to know why we call a washerwoman land-ress, when she is always dabbling in the vatre.
WIT IN THE NEW CUT. A dyer has hung up in his shop window the following label :“ Decorum est pro Patria Mori.”
THE NATURAL MORALIST. The autumnal breeze is not celebrated for making good resolutions, and yet it keeps turning over a new leaf.
BOOTS. He that wears a tight boot is apt to have a narrow understanding.
EXTRAORDINARY INSTANCE OF APPLICATION. There is not a more extraordinary instance of constant application than that which is shown by the Tax-gatherer.
AN UNFORTUNATE MAN. There is a man who has tried all manner of things, and never found any thing answer but “ Echo.”
A RECIPE FOR SEEDY CAKE. Make a tipsy cake over night; the tipsy cake will sure to be seedy cake the next morning.
IN-DOOR GARDENING. On cold damp nights in winter, prepare hot beds with a warmingpan. CHARLES V. Used to say that a man who knew four languages was worth four men; in fact, all men have need of one another, and a stranger may be said not to exist for us, if we cannot understand his language. In short, the literature of every country reveals to him who can understand it, a new sphere of ideas. As to the dead languages, the man of letters, jealous of extending and multiplying his knowledge, penetrates into past ages, and advances over the scattered monuments of antiquity, to gather from them, amidst traces often all but obliterated, the spirit and the thoughts of the great men of all times.
A SOLVENT BANK. The best Bank ever yet known is a Bank of Earth, it never refuses to discount honest labour; and the best Share is the Ploughshare, on which dividends are always liberal.
POWER OF ORTHOGRAPHY AND PUNCTUATION. The husband of a pious woman, having recently occasion to make a voyage, his wife sent a written request to the clergyman of the parish, which, instead of spelling and pointing properly, viz., “A person having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation ;” she spelled and pointed as follows, “ A person having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation.”
POVERTY. To people who are down in the world it is quite as bad to appear to patronize them as it is to neglect them, indeed worse to a proud spirit, for the very sensitiveness which makes them susceptible to insult, enables them better to suffer to themselves, and to reject even kindness that has no delicacy for its companion.
CONTENTMENT. A CONTENTED mind is the greatest blessing a man can enjoy in this world, and if in the present life his happiness arises from the subduing of his desires, it will arise in the next from the gratification of them.
ENVY. THERE is nothing which more denotes a great mind than the abhorrence of envy and detraction.
A COMMON CASE. The superiority of some men is merely local; they are great, because their associates are little.