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AFFECTATION. If any thing will sicken and disgust a man, it is the affected inincing way in which some people choose to talk. It is perfectly nauseous. If these young jackanapes, who screw their mouths into all manner of diabolical shapes, could only feel how perfectly disgusting they were, it might induce them to drop it. With inany, it soon becomes such a confirmed habit, that they cannot again be taught to talk in a plain straightforward manly way. Do pray talk in your natural tone, if you don't wish to be utterly ridiculous and comtemptible, screwing your mouth like the aperture in a poor box.

Parsons and lawyers, both you'll find,
By mourning suits are known;
One for the sins of all mankind,
The other

for their own.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY. Some merchants went to an Eastern Sovereign, and exhibited for sale some very fine horses. The King admired them, and bought them; he moreover gave the merchants a lac of rupees to purchase more horses for him. The King, one day, in a sportive humour, ordered the Vizier to make out a list of all the fools in his dominions. He did so, and put his Majesty's name at the head of them. The King asked “Why ?” He replied “Because you entrusted a lac of rupees to men you don't know, and who will never come back." “ Ay, but suppose they should come back.” “ Then I shall erase your name and insert theirs."

In the celebrated and decisive naval engagement of Lord Howe's Fleet with that of France, on the 1st June, 1794, a game cock, on board one of his ships, chanced to have his house beaten to pieces by a shot, or some falling rigging, which set him at liberty. The feathered hero, now perched on the stump of the mainmast which had been carried away, continued crowing, and clapping his wings, during the remainder of the engagement, enjoying, to all appearance, the magnificent sternness of the scene.

A few years ago, there was in the possession of the Crawford's, Cowdowhill, Dumbartonshire, a silver spoon, which was bequeathed in a very singular manner to the largest mouthed member of the family. The spoon was three inches in diameter, at the mouth piece, and on the handle was inscribed the following lines, dated 1840 :

This spoun I leave in legacee
To the biggest muthed, Crawfurd after me,
And if he sell or pawn 't cursed may he bee.


THE PENINSULA. LORD WELLINGTON looks forward very coolly, to another winter here. He said he should have twenty-five couples of fox-hounds next season. The other day the Commissary General told him we had eaten nearly all the oxen in the country, that the cultivation of the lands in Portugal could not go on for want of them, and that he scarcely knew where to turn for a supply of beef, as there was this year no reserve store near Lisbon. Lord Wellington said, “Well, then, we must now set about eating all the sheep, and when they are gone I suppose we must go.'

He rests on violet banks no languid limb,
The Bank of England is the bank for him ;
Nor bull nor lion he triumphant rides,
But bullion is the golden beast he guides;
He takes no cold by midnight serenade,
For men of law his instruments have made;
His doves are stock doves, and no notes have place,
In his regard, except the “ Notes of Hase.”
Lord of the treasury, master of the mint,
This is our Cupid ;- Ladies take the hint;
In short, a money loving God is he,
Called by his votaries- -Cupidity!

When a man has no design but to speak plain truth, he may say a great deal in a very narrow compass.

A BROKER deeply absorbed in speculation, being asked, the other morning, “ How do you do?” replied abruptly, “ About two per cent. a month !"

A young stockbroker having married an old widow with £100,000, says it was’nt his wife's face that attracted him so much as the figure.

An Indiana wit says, that durir trial in Lawrenceport, a young lad, who was called as a witness, was asked if he knew what was the obligation of an oath, and where he would go if he told a lie. He said he supposed “ he would go where all the lawyers went to."

“And what do you think of the three last reigns; you have lived in all three of them ?” said Louis XVI. to the Duke of Richelieu. “ Sire, under Louis XIV. no one durst speak; in Louis XV.'s reign people spoke in an under tone; and under your Majesty every one speaks as loud as he pleases.'

An infidel, who had been attempting to prove that men had no souls, asked a lady with an air of triumph, what she thought of his philosophy ? “It appears to me," she replied, “ that you have employed a good deal of talent to prove yourself a beast.



THE FORCE OF HABIT. MR. GLADSTONE was once asked by a little boy to tell him something about Cerberus, when the great orator, clearing his throat, eloquently began : “Why, my little dear, we must divide the subject into three heads." The little boy instinctively ran out of the room.

Here lies my poor wife! a slattern, a shrew,
If I said I regretted her—I should lie too.

A HUMAN BEING WITH NOTHING TO DO. Most miserable, worthy of most profound pity, is such a being. The most insignificant object in nature becomes a source of envy ; the birds warble on every spray, in ecstacy of joy; the tiny flower, hidden from all eyes, sends forth its fragrance of full happiness; the mountain stream dashes along with a sparkle and murmur of pure delight. The object of their creation is accomplished, and their life gushes forth in harmonic work. Oh, plant! Oh! stream -worthy of admiration, of worship, to the wretched idler! Here are powers ye never dreamed of-faculties divine, eternal ! a head to think, but nothing to concentrate the thoughts; a heart to love, but no object to bathe with the living tide of affection; a hand to do, but no work to be done; talents unexercised, capacities undeveloped, a human life thrown away-wasted as water poured forth in the desert. Birds and flowers, ye are gods to such a mockery of life! Who can describe the fearful void of such an existence, the yearning for an object, the self-reproach for wasted powers, the weariness of daily life, the loathing of pleasure, of frivolity, and the fearful consciousness of deadening life of a spiritual paralysis, which hinders all response to human interestswheu enthusiasm ceases to arouse, and noble deeds no longer call forth the tear of joy; when the world becomes a blank, humanity a far-off sound, and no life is left but the heavy, benumbing weight of personal hopelessness and desolation. Happier far is the toiling drudge who coins body and soul into the few poor shillings that can only keep his family in a long starvation; he has a hope unceasingly to light hiin, a duty to perform, a spark of love within that cannot die ; and wretched, weary, unhuman, as his life may be, it is of royal worth—it is separated by the immeasurable distance of life and death from the poor, perhaps pampered wretch, who is cursed for having no work to do.

At a New York hotel dinner one gentleman gave his fork to another, with—“Just stick that fork into that potatoe for me, will you ?" His surly, unneighbourly neighbour did as he requested, and left it sticking there!

CONTROVERSY. MASONRY is a universal system, and teaches the relative and social duties of man on the broad and extensive basis of general philanthropy. A Jew, a Mahometan, or a Pagan, may attend our lodges without fear of hearing his peculiar doctrines or mode of faith called in question by a comparison with others which are repugnant to his creed, because a permanent and unalterable landmark of Masonry is, the total absence and exclusion of religious or political controversy. Each of these professors practices a system of morality suited to the sanctions of his religion, which, as it emanated from the primitive system of divine worship, bears some resemblance to it; and consequently he can hear moral precepts inculcated without imputing a designed reference to any peculiar mode of faith.

Oh! the old, old clock, of the household stock,

Was the brightest thing and neatest;
Its hands, though old, had a touch of gold,

And its chime ran still the sweetest;
'Twas a monitor, too, though its words were few,

Yet they lived, though nations altered;
And its voice still strong, warned old and young,

When the voice of friendship faltered;
Tick—tick! it said : quick, quick to bed ;

For ten I've given warning-
Up-up-and go-or else you know,
You'll never rise soon in the morning!
A friendly voice was that old, old clock,

As it stood in the corner smiling;
And blessed the time with a merry chime,

The wintry hours beguiling;
But a cross old voice was that tiresome clock,

As it called at daybreak boldly,
When the dawn looked grey, o'er the misty way,

And the early air blew coldly :
Tick-tick! it said: quick out of bed,

For five I've given warning;
You'll never have health, you'll never have wealth,

Unless you are up soon in the morning!
Still hourly the sound goes round and round,

With a tone that ceases never ;
While tears are shed for the bright days fled,

And the old friends lost for ever!
Its heart beats on-though hearts are gone

That warmer beat and stronger;
Its hands still move-though hands we love

Are clasped on earth no longer:
Tick-tick! it said to the churchyard bed,

The graves have given warning:
Then up and rise, and look to the skies,

And prepare for a heavenly morning!

A LADY OFFICER. Jean Paul says that a lady officer, if she wanted to give the word · halt," would do it in this strain—“You soldiers all of you, now mind, I order you, as soon as I have done speaking, to stand still, every one of you on the spot where you happen to be: don't you hear me? Halt I say, all of you.” Upon this a lady in an American paper makes the following comment :“Now, Monsieur Jean, it was an unlucky day you wrote that sentence. May you never hear anything but that little concise word 'No' from every rosy lip you meet between this and your tombstone! May you "halt' wifeless through life; may your buttons be snappish, your strings knotty, and your stockings holy. May your boot jack be missing, your feet corned, your shaving-water be cold; your razor dull, your hair stand up, and your dickies lie down; may your beard be porcupiny, your whiskers thinly settled, and your moustaches curl the wrong way; may your coffee be muddy, your toast sinoky, and your tea be water-bewitched; may you dream of Paradise, and wake in some other place! And, with a never-aying desire for affection, may you crawl through creation a meek, miserable, nasty, forlorn, figetty, fussy, ridiculous, ruined, dejected, ragged old bachelor. Amen!

The lovely hair that Galla wears
Is hers, who could have thought it?
She swears 'tis hers, and true she swears,
For I know where she bought it.

ANTS. In the exotic regions they construct habitations of considerable size, and form large communities, consisting of a king and queen, soldiers, and labourers. Such especially are the white ants, whose nests, formed entirely of clay, are, in fact, occasionally larger than the dwellings of the natives.

In one of our weekly contemporaries, we observe the “Railway Intelligence" is inserted next to the “ Obituary."

“Doctor," said a querulous suffering invalid, who had paid a good deal of money for physic to apparent little purpose, “you don't seem to reach the seat of

disease. Why don't you

strike at the seat of my disorder ?" “So I will,” was the prompt reply, “ if you insist on it;" and, lifting his cane, he smashed the brandy bottle on the sideboard.

A TRADESMAN at Luton, Bedfordshire, has the following notice stuck up in his window : Good ladies, ls.; lasting ditto, Is. 6d. per pair.”

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