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Dr. In the West country it is impossible, I hear, to dine without punch?
Pa. Yes sir, indeed, 'tis punch we drink chiefly; but for myself, unless I happen to have a friend with me, I never take more than a couple of tumblers or so, and that's moderate.
Dr. Oh! exceedingly moderate, indeed! You then after this slight repast, take some tea and bread and butter ?
Pa. Yes, before I go to the counting-house to read the evening letters.
Dr. And, on your return, you take supper, I suppose ?
Pa. No, sir, I canna be said to take supper; but just something before going to bed; a rizer'd haddock, or a bit of toasted cheese, or half a hundred oysters, or the like of that, and may be, two thirds of a bottle of ale, but I take no regular supper.
Dr. But you take a little more punch after that ?
I take a tumbler of warm whisky toddy at night, its lighter to sleep on.
Dr. So it inust be, no doubt. This, you say, is your every day life; upon great occasions, perhaps, you exceed a little ?
Pa. No, sir, except when a friend or two dine with me, or I dine out, which, as I'm a sober family man, does not often happen ?
Dr. Not above twice a week ?
Pa. Yes, sir, thank God, I have; indeed, any wee harl о' health that I hae is about meal time.
Dr. [Assuming a very severe look, knitting his brows, and lowering his eye brows.] Now, sir, you are a very pretty fellow, indeed; you come here, and tell me you are a moderate man, and I might have believed you, did I not know the nature of the people in your part of the country; but, upon examination, I find, by your own showing, that you are a most voracious glutton; you breakfast, in the morning, in a style that would serve a moderate man for dinner; and, from five o'clock in the afternoon, you undergo one almost uninterrupted loading of your stomach, till you go to bed. This is your moderation! You told me, too, another falsehoodyou said
you were a sober man, yet, by your own shewing, you are à beer swiller, a dram drinker, a wine bibber, and a guzzler of Glasgow punch, a liquor, which is associated, in my mind, only with the ideas of low company and beastly intoxication. You tell me, you eat indigestible suppers, and swill toddy to force sleep: I see that you chew tobacco. Now, sir, what human stomach can stand this ? Go home, sir, and leave off your present course of riotous living-take some dry toast and tea for your breakfast, some plain meat and soup for your dinner, without adding to it any thing to spar on your flagging appetite; you may take a cup of tea in the evening, but never let me hear of haddocks, and toasted cheese, and oysters, with their accompaniments of ale, and
toddy at night; give up chewing that vile narcotic, nauseous abomination, and there are some hopes, that your
stomach may recover its tone, and you be in good health, like your neighbours.
Pa. I'm sure, Doctor, I'm very much obliged to you— [taking out a bunch of bank notes] I shall endeavour to
Dr. Sir, you are not obliged to me. Put up your money, sir. Do you think I'll take a fee from you for telling you what you know as well as myself ? Though you're no physician, sir, you are not altogether a fool. You have read your Bible, and must know, that drunkenness and gluttony are both sinful and dangerous ; and whatever you may think, you have this day confessed to me, that you are a notorious glutton and drunkard. Go home, sir, and reform, or take my word for it, your life is not worth half a years' purchase.
[Exit PATIENT dumb-founded and looking blue. Dr. [Solus.] Sober and temperate! Doctor Watt tried to live in Glasgow, and make his patients live moderately, and purged and bled them, when they were sick, but it would not do. Let the Glasgow doctors prescribe beef steaks, and rum punch, and their fortune is made.
[The name is concealed from delicacy, but Graham, Hunter, Kingan, and others, can vouch for the truth of the story, as they know the man well.]
THE Glasgow Examiner states, that a Latter Day Saint, in Campsie, suspected the morals and knowledge of the brethren. As a test, he one day recited in French, a few verses of the 23rd Psalın, as an unknown tongue. It was interpreted to mean that the orator should become a missionary, and successfully initiate the Heathen into the beauties of the Book of Mormon.
No courage is more heroic, than that which torments envy by doing good.
A CONTENTED mind, and a good conscience, will make a man happy in all conditions. He knows not how to fear who dare to die.
WITHOUT a friend, the world is but a wilderness.
A man may have a thousand intimate acquaintances, and not a friend amongst them. If you have one friend, think yourself happy.
PROSPERITY gains friends, and adversity tries them.
INGRATITUDE is a crime so shameful, that the man was never yet found who would acknowledge himself guilty of it.
Men are sometimes accused of pride, merely because their accusers would be proud themselves, if they were in their place.
Though a man may become learned by another's learning, he can never be wise but by his own wisdom.
ANECDOTE OF A SAILOR. The following was sent to our late excellent King George III., by a person, in Ireland, of the name of George King, who was condemned to death, and this is said to have procured him a pardon :
“ George King to King George sends this humble petition,
OTHELLO, THE MOOR OF VENICE.
Enter DESDEMONA and EMILIA.
Des. How now, my dear Othello ?
Des. Faith, that's with watching ; 'twill away again :
[He puts the handkerchief from him, and it drops. Let it alone. Come, I'll go in with you. Des. I am very sorry that you are not well.
[Exeunt OTHELLO and DESDEMONA,
Emil. O, is that all? What will you give me now
Iago. What handkerchief?
Emil. What handkerchief!
Iago. Hast stolen it from her ?
Emil. No, faith; she let it drop by negligence; And, to the advantage, I being here, took’t up. Look, here it is.
Iago. A good wench: give it me.
Iago. Be not you known oft;* I have use for it. Go leave me.
Iago. Why, how now, general ? no more of that.
Oth. Avaunt! begone! thou hast set me on the rack:
Iago. How now, my lord ?
Oth. What sense had I of her stolen hours of lust?
Iago. I am sorry to hear this.
Oih. I had been happy, if the general camp,
Iago. Is it possible !-My lord,
Oth. Villain, be sure thou prove my love a whore;
* Seem as if you knew nothing of the matter.
SIR WALTER SCOTT. CONSTABLE was the first person who told me about Faltstaff and Hotspur, and other characters, in Shakespeare. What idea I annexed to them I know not, but I must have annexed some, for I remember quite well being interested on the subject. Indeed, I rather suspect, that children derive impulses of a powerful and important kind, in hearing things, which they cannot entirely comprehend; and therefore, that to write down to children's understanding is a mistake; set them on the scent, and let them puzzle it out. To return to George Constable, I knew him well, at a much later period. He used always to dine at my father's house, on a Sunday, and was authorised to turn the conversation out of the austere and Calvanistic tone, which it usually maintained on that day, upon subjects of history, or auld lang syne. He remembered the Rebellion of '45, and told many excellent stories, all with a strong dash of a peculiar caustic humour. These conversations made a strong impression on me.
PEDIGREE. An Irishman was once heard to say, on discussion, that pedigree was like the potatoe, the best part of it was under the ground.
THE HISTORY OF FAIRS. FAIRS among the old Romans were holidays, on which there was an intermission of labour and pleadings. Among the Christians, upon any extraordinary solemnity, particularly the anniversary dedication of a church, tradesmen were wont to bring and sell their wares even in the churchyards, which continued especially upon the festivals of the dedication. The custom was kept up till the reign of Henry VI. Thus, we find, a great many fairs kept at these festivals of dedications; as at Westminster on S. Peter's day, at London on S. Bartholomew's day, and at Durham on S. Cuthbert's day. But the great number of people being often the occasion of riots and disturbances, the privilege of holding a fair, was granted by royal charter. At first, they were only allowed in towns and places of strength, or where there was some bishop, or governor of condition, to keep them in order. In process of time there were several circumstances of favour added, people having the protection of a holiday, and being allowed freedom from arrest, upon the score of any difference not arising upon the spot. These fairs make a considerable article in the commerce of Europe, especially those of the Mediterranean, or inland parts, as Germany. The most famous are those of Frankfort and Leipsic; the fairs of Novi, in the Milanese; of Riga and Archangel, in Russia; of St. Germain, at Paris; of Lyons, of Guidbray, in Normandy; and of Beauclaire, in Languedoc; those of Porto Bello, Vera Cruz, and the Havannah, are the most considerable in America.