DON'T FRET.

IT is unamiable. A fretting man or woman is one of the most unlovely objects in the world. A wasp is a comfortable housemate in comparison-it only stings when disturbed. But an habitual fretter buzzes, if he don't sting, with or without provocation. "It is better to dwell in the corner of a house-top than with a brawling woman in a wide house." It is useless, it sets no broken bones, stops no leaks, gathers no spilt milk, cements no smashed pitchers, cures no spoiled hay, and changes no east winds. It effects nobody but the fretter himself. Children or servants

cease to respect the authority or obey the commands of a complaining, worrying, worrisome, exacting parent or master. They know that "barking dogs don't bite," and fretters don't strike, and they conduct themselves accordingly.

A PHYSICIAN, observed to Fontenelle, that coffee was a slow poison. "Yes, very slow, indeed," answered the philosopher, smiling, "for I have taken it every day for the last fourscore years past, and am alive still."

IT was the Phoenicians who invented the art of writing.

IT was envy which occasioned the first murder in the world.

IT is the pernicious flatteries of courtiers which corrupt princes and precipitate them into an abyss of miseries.

WHEN our vices leave us we flatter ourselves we leave them.

OUR reputation does not depend on the caprice of man, but on our good actions.

THERE are many things of little or no consequence to know.

A MAN in a high post is never regarded with an indifferent eye, but always considered as a friend or an enemy.

THERE are Christians who love their neighbours more than themselves.

KNOWLEDGE is the treasure, but judgment the treasure of a wise man.

FRUGALITY is a fair fortune, industry a good estate.

It is more difficult to conquer one-self than an enemy.

WE must expect everything from God, but nothing from ourselves.

A LADY, on being separated from her husband, changed her religion, being determined, she said, to avoid his company in this world and the next.

DIGBY says, it is true, that there is more pleasure in giving than receiving; but he also thinks, that it applies to medicine, kicks, and advice.

ART OF SWIMMING.

MEN are drowned by raising their arms above water, the unbuoyed weight of which depresses the head. Other animals have neither notion nor ability to act in a similar manner, and therefore swim naturally. When a man falls into deep water, he will rise to the surface, and will continue there, if he does not elevate his hands. If he moves his hands under water, in any way he pleases, his head will rise so high as to allow him free liberty to breathe; and if he will use his legs, as in the act of walking, (or rather of walking up stairs), his shoulders will rise above water, so shat he may use the less exertion with his hands, or apply them to other purposes. These plain directions are recommended to the recollection of those who have not learned to swim in their youth, as they may be found highly advantageous in preserving life.

JACK BANNISTER'S ANECDOTE.

PRAISING the hospitality of the Irish, after his return from one of his trips to the sister kingdom, he was asked if he had been in Cork. "No," replied the wit," but I saw a great many drawings of it."

FRIENDSHIP.

HERE is a recipe to get rid of an old acquaintance, whose society you do not like:-If he is poor, lend hiin some money: if he is rich, ask him to lend you some. Both means are certain.

It is a mighty shame and dishonour to employ excellent faculties, and abundance of wit and humour, and all to please men in their vices and follies. The great enemy of mankind, notwithstanding his wit and angelic features, is the most odious being in the whole creation.

WE may give good advice, but not the resolution to follow it. "WHY Tom, my dear fellow, how old "Dare say, look!" you Bob, for the fact is, I never was so old before in my life."

"ANY ting bite you dar ?" inquired one Dutchman of another, while engaged in angling. “No, no ting at all." "Vell,” returned the other, noting pite me too."

66

IN one of our schools, the other day, a small scholar was asked by the mistress, "Who discovered America ?" and replied"Yankee-doodle." The teacher did not faint.

AN honest old lady, in the country, when told of her husband's death, exclaimed-" Well, I do declare, our troubles never come alone! It aint a week since I lost my best hen, and now Mr. Hooper has gone, too, poor man."

HEART TESTS.

IT is in the relaxation of security, it is in the expansion of prosperity, it is in the hour of dilatation of the heart, and of its softening into festivity and pleasure, that the real character of men is discerned. If there is any good in them, it appears then or never. Even wolves and tigers, when gorged with their prey, are safe and gentle. It is, at such times, that noble minds give all their reins to their good nature. They indulge their genius even to intemperance, in kindness to the afflicted, in generosity to the conquered; forbearing insults, forgiving injuries, overpaying benefits. Full of dignity themselves, they respect dignity in all, but they feel it sacred in the unhappy. But it is then, and basking in the sunshine of unmerited fortune, that low, sordid, ungenerous, and reptile souls swell with their hoarded poisons; it is then, that they display their odious splendour, and shine out in the full lustre of their native villany and baseness.

NECESSITY OF TRUTH.

WE are so constituted, that obedience to the law of veracity is absolutely necessary to our happiness. Were we to lose either our feelings of obligation to tell the truth, or our disposition to receive as truth whatever is told to us, there would at once be an end to all science and all knowledge, beyond that which every man had obtained by his own personal observation and experience. No man could profit by the discoveries of his cotemporaries, much less by the discoveries of those men who have gone before him. Language would be useless, and we should be but little removed from the brutes. Every one must be aware, upon the slightest reflection, that a community of entire liars could not exist in a state of society. The effects of such a course of conduct upon the whole, shows us what is the will of the Creator in the individual case.Doctor Wayland.

"How much to publish this death ?" said a customer, at the Sun office, New York. "Four shillings." Why, I paid out but two shillings the last time, and published one that was a common death, but this is sincerely regretted. I'll tell you what," said the applicant, "your executors will never be put to that expence."

This

THE Preston Guardian says, that a Mr. Lewis, of the Cornhill, is the ugliest and most vegetable made man in existence. horticultural monstrosity is described as possessing "gooseberry eyes, a mulberry nose, a medlar mouth, teeth like nuts, ears like figs, head like a dirty cauliflower, a pumpkin figure, and further, that he speaks as if he had plums in his mouth, and possesses a breath, rivalling in potent fragrance, that of musty truffles."

VOL. I.

FAT VERSUS LEAN.

BULLOCK (well-known on the turf at one time), a heavy and corpulent man, offered to start against Lord Barrymore, to walk on foot for one hundred guineas, a hundred yards, provided he would give him thirty-five; at the same time, he (Bullock) was to choose the ground. The bet was instantly accepted, and the following day was fixed, for the grand exploit. The Prince of Wales, who was ever pleased with manly sports, was present with a numerous party, many bets on both sides depending—the odds against Bullock, who did not hesitate to take them. When to the surprise of Lord Barrymore, who did not weigh ten stone, (the other eighteen) and considered himself sure of winning the wager, Bullock fixed on one of those narrow alleys (with only room for one person to walk, and a high wall on each side) well-known at Brighton, on the east side of the town; and as the previous wager was specified and witnessed on paper, no objection could possibly be made. At starting, each party took his place, Bullock thirtyfive yards in advance; and though Lord Barrymore soon got close to him, the other, by his contrivance, his breadth of shoulder, his arms extended, and being the more powerful, kept the other behind, and laughing, at his ease, took his time to win, to the annoyance of the many who lost their money.

AN IRISH SAMPSON.

MR. MEAGHER intends, it appears, to destroy the whole of the forty-five thousand soldiers, at present in Ireland. We do not believe this can be accomplished by mere talk, although there is certainly one instance on record of ten thousand men having been slain by the jaw bone of an ass!

AN American writer says, "poetry is the flower of literature; prose is the corn, potatoes, and meat; satire is the aquafortis; wit is the spice and pepper; love letters are the honey and sugar; and letters containing remittances are the apple dumplings."

ONE Sunday when the minister of Udney entered the Kirk, he was no less surprised than indignant to find that "Jamie Fleming" had taken possession of the pulpit. "Come down, Jamie," said his reverence. "Come ye up, sir," answered Jamie, "they're a stiffnecked and rebellious generation, sir, an' it will tack us both to manage them.”

THERE was once a considerate gentleman, who when about to put milk in his tea, carefully took out about half a dozen flies, which were drowning in the jug; but then after he had helped himself, replaced the insects in what was becoming their (milk and) watery grave, justly remarking, that though he did not like flies himself, yet there might be other people who did.

AGRICULTURAL REPARTEE.

A FARMER, in the West, recently meeting a certain agricultural chemist, took occasion to sneer at the advantages of science to agriculture. "I am told, sir," said the farmer, "that you can carry enough manure in your coat pocket for an acre of ground." Mr. bowed assent. "And," continued the farmer," " we farmers, I suppose, may bring home the produce in our waistcoat pockets." Perfectly correct, sir," was the reply, " for although the proximate progress be turnips, yet the ultimate produce is gold, with which precious metal, I shall be most happy, if you will permit me, to fill your capacious waistcoat pockets every market day."

ENUNCIATION.

WITH one exception, enunciation is as little understood by our native singers, as by our oysters, though it certainly is not for want of opening their mouths.

MUSICAL ENTHUSIASM.

A FRIEND of ours says, "What a blessing it is that the massacre of S. Bartholomew took place, for without it, we should not have had the Hugenots' Man in the Moon."

NATURAL WISH.

A POOR shoemaker, who has a lot of gutta percha on his hands, utters the humble wish, that orders for boots would only increase, like the population, at the rate of one thousand souls a day.

SCANDAL, like the Nile, is fed by innumerable streams, but it is extremely difficult to trace to its source.

THE dullest people can run fast enough to catch cold.
CUSTOM is the plague of wise men and the idol of fools.

It was said of a rich miser, that he died in great want-the want of more money.

As people sprinkle floors before they sweep them, so do some ladies sprinkle their husbands with tears, in order to sweep the cash out of their pockets.

THERE was a man, down West, who had a whistle, the sound of which was so sharp and piercing, that it went through his thigh after he had put the whistle in his pocket.

A PHILOLOGICAL reader of the Times, has discovered, after a few months anxious perusal of the Chartists and confederate news, that six of their leaders are named-" Duffy, Cuffy, and Ruffy, Looney, Mooney, and Rooney." He might have added "Spooney."