Patr. Well said, Adversity! and what need these tricks? Ther. Pr'ythee be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk: thou art thought to be Achilles' male varlet. Patr. Male varlet, you rogue! what's that? Ther. Why, his masculine whore. Now the rotten diseases of the south, the guts griping, ruptures, catarrhs, loads o'gravel i'the back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, wheezing lungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciatica, limekilns i'the palm, incurable bone-ach, and the rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take again such preposterous discoveries! Patr. Why thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest thou to curse thus ? Achil. My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite From my great purpose in to-morrow's battle. An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it: [Exeunt ACHIJ LES and PATROCLUS. Ther. With too much blood and too little brain, these two may run mad; but if with too much brain, and too little blood, they do, I'll be a curer of madmen. Here's Agamemnon, -an honest fellow enough, and one that loves quails; but he has not so much brain as ear-wax: And the goodly transformation of Jupiter there, his brother, the bull, the primitive statue, and oblique memorial of cuckolds; a thrifty shoeing-horn in chain, hanging at his brother's leg, to what form, but that he is, should wit larded with malice, and malice forced with wit, turn him to? To an ass, were nothing; he is both ass and ox: to an ox were nothing; he is both ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would not care but to be Menelaus, I would conspire against destiny. Ask me not what I would be, if I were not Thersites; for I care not to be the louse of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus. Hey-day! spirits and fires! Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, MENELAUS, and DIOMED, with lights. Agam. We go wrong, we go wrong. There, where we see the lights. And welcome, both to those that go, or tarry. [Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS. Achil. Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed, Keep Hector company an hour or two. Dio. I cannot, lord; I have important business, The tide whereof is now.-Good night, great Hector. Hect. Give me your hand. Follow his torch, he goes To Calchas' tent; I'll keep you company. [Aside to TROILUS. Ulyss. Tro. Sweet sir, you honour me. And so good night. [Exit DIOMED; ULYSS. and TRO. following. Achil. Come, come, enter my tent. [Exeunt ACHIL. HECTOR, AJAX, and NEST. Ther. That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leers, than I will a serpent when he hisses: he will spend his mouth, and promise, like Brabler the hound; but when he performs, astronomers foretell it; it is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun borrows of the moon, when Diomed keeps his word. I will rather leave to see Hector, than not to dog him: they say, he keeps a Trojan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas' tent: I'll after. Nothing but lechery! all incontinent varlets! [Exit. No, yonder 'tis ; Cres. Remember? yes. Dio. Nay, but do then; I trouble you. Ajar. No, not a whit. Ulyss. Here comes himself to guide you. Hect. And let your mind be coupled with your words. Tro. What should she remember? Ulyss. List! Thy master now lies thinking in his bed Of thee, and me; and sighs, and takes my glove, Cres. You shall not have it, Diomed; 'faith you shall not; I'll give you something else. Dio. I will have this; Whose was it? 'Tis no matter Tro. Let it not be believ'd for womanhood! Think, we had mothers; do not give advantage To stubborn criticks-apt, without a theme, For depravation, -to square the general sex By Cressid's rule: rather think this not Cressid. Ulyss. What hath she done, prince, that can soil our mothers? Tro. Nothing at all, unless that this were she. Ther. Will he swagger himself out on's own eyes? Tro. This she? no, this is Diomed's Cressida : This was not she. O madness of discourse, And with another knot, five-finger-tied, Tro. Ay, Greek; and that shall be divulged well In characters as red as Mars his heart Constring'd in mass by the almighty sun, Ther. He'll tickle it for his concupy. Farewell, revolted fair!- and, Diomed, Tro. Accept distracted thanks. [Exeunt TROILUS, ENEAS, and ULYSSES. Ther. 'Would, I could meet that rogue Diomed! I would croak like a raven; I would bode, I would bode. Patroclus will give me any thing for the intelligence of this whore: the parrot will not do more for an almond, than he for a commodious drab. Lechery, lechery; still, wars and lechery; nothing else holds fashion: A burning devil take [Exit. them. Enter TROILUS. How now, young man? mean'st thou to fight to-day And. Cassandra, call my father to persuade. [Exit CASSANDRA. Hect. No, 'faith, young Troilus; doff thy harness, youth, I am to-day i'the vein of chivalry: Let grow thy sinews till their knots be strong, Tro. Brother, you have a vice of mercy in you, Which better fits a lion, than a man. Hect. What vice is that, good Troilus? chide me for it. Tro. When many times the captive Grecians fall, Even in the fan and wind of your fair sword, You bid them rise and live. Hect. Troilus, I would not have you fight to-day. Not fate, obedience, nor the hand of Mars Re-enter CASSANDRA, with PRIAM. Cas. Lay hold upon him, Priam, hold him fast: He is thy crutch; now if thou lose thy stay, Thou on him leaning, and all Troy on thee, Fall all together. Pri Come, Hector, come, go back : Thy wife hath dream'd; thy mother hath had Tro. They are at it; hark! Proud Diomed, believe, I come to lose my arm, or win my sleeve. AS TROILUS is going out, enter, from the other side, Pan. Do you hear, my lord? do you hear? Pan. Here's a letter from yon' poor girl. Tro. Let me read. Pan. A whoreson ptisick, a whoreson rascally ptisick so troubles me, and the foolish fortune of this girl; and what one thing, what another, that I shall leave you one o'these days: And I have a rheum in mine eyes too; and such an ache in my bones, that, unless a man were cursed, I cannot tell what to think on't. - What says she there? Tro. Words, words, mere words, no matter from the heart; [Tearing the letter. SCENE IV.. · Between Troy and the Grecian Camp. Alarums: Excursions. Enter THERSITES. Ther. Now they are clapper-clawing one another; I'll go look on. That dissembling abominable varlet, Diomed, has got that same scurvy doting foolish young knave's sleeve of Troy there in his helm: I would fain see them meet; that that same young Trojan ass, that loves the whore there, might send that Greekish whoremasterly villain, with the sleeve, back to the dissembling luxurious drab, on a sleeveless errand. O' the other side, The policy of those crafty swearing rascals, that stale old mouse-eaten dry cheese, Nestor; and that same dog-fox, Ulysses, - is not proved worth a blackberry : They set me up, in policy, that mongrel cur, Ajax, against that dog of as bad a kind, Achilles: and now is the cur Ajax prouder than the cur Achilles, and will not arm to-day; whereupon the Grecians begin to proclaim barbarism, and policy grows into an ill opinion, Soft! here come sleeve, and t'other. Enter DIOMEDES, TROILUS following. Tro. Fly not; for, shouldst thou take the rive Styx, I would swim after. That noseless, handless, hack'd and chipp'd, come to him, Crying on Hector. Ajax hath lost a friend, Engaging and redeeming of himself, With such a careless force, and forceless care, Hect. What art thou, Greek, art thou for Hec- Bade him win all. Nest. Go, bear Patroclus' body to Achilles ; And bid the snail-pac'd Ajax arm for shame. There is a thousand Hectors in the field: Now here he fights on Galathe his horse, And there lacks work; anon, he's there afoot, And there they fly, or die, like scaled sculls Before the belching whale; then is he yonder, And there the strawy Greeks, ripe for his edge, Fall down before him, like the mower's swath. Here, there, and every where, he leaves, and takes ; Dexterity so obeying appetite, That what he will, he does; and does so much, Enter ULYSSES. Ulyss. O courage, courage, princes! great Achilles Is arming, weeping, cursing, vowing vengeance; Patroclus' wounds have rous'd his drowsy blood, Together with his mangled Myrmidons. Ajax. Were I the general, thou should'st have my office Troilus! Enter TROILUS. Tro. O traitor Diomed! thou traitor, turn thy false facc, And pay thy life thou ow'st me for my horse! Ajar. I'll fight with him alone: stand, Diomed. Enter HECTor. Tro. Ajax hath ta'en Æneas; Shall it be? No, by the flame of yonder glorious heaven, He shall not carry him; I'll be taken too, |