Oh no, my Lord - there's none can do
Or say un-English things like you;
And, if the schemes that fill thy breast

Could but a vent congenial seek,
And use the tongue that suits them best,
What charming Turkish wouldst thou
speak!

But as for me, a Frenchless grub,

At Congress never born to stammer, Nor learn like thee, my Lord, to snub Fallen Monarchs, out of CHAMBAUD'S grammar

Bless you, you do not, can not know How far a little French will go; For all one's stock, one need but draw On some half-dozen words like theseComme ça - là-bas -par-là· ah ha! They 'll take you all thro' France with

ease.

August 10.

Went to the Mad-house saw the man,2 Who thinks, poor wretch, that, while the Fiend

Of Discord here full riot ran,

He, like the rest, was guillotined; But that when, under BONEY's reign, (A more discreet, tho' quite as strong one,)

The heads were all restored again,

He, in the scramble, got a wrong one. Accordingly, he still cries out

This strange head fits him most un-
pleasantly;

And always runs, poor devil, about,
Inquiring for his own incessantly!

While to his case a tear I dropt,

And sauntered home, thought I - ye
Gods!

How many heads might thus be swopt,
And, after all, not make much odds!
For instance, there's VANSITTART's
head
("Tam carum

"3 it may well be said)

2 This extraordinary madman is, I believe, in the Bicêtre. He imagines, exactly as Mr. Fudge states it, that when the heads of those who had been guillotined were restored, he by mistake got some other person's instead of his own.

If by some curious chance it came

To settle on BILL SOAMES'S 1 shoulders,

The effect would turn out much the

same

On all respectable cash-holders: Except that while, in its new socket, The head was planning schemes to win

A zig-zag way into one's pocket,

The hands would plunge directly in.

Good Viscount SIDMOUTH, too, instead Of his own grave, respected head, Might wear (for aught I see that bars)

Old Lady WILHELMINA FRUMP'S So while the hand signed Circulars, The head might lisp out "What is trumps?"

The REGENT's brains could we transfer
To some robust man-milliner,

The shop, the shears, the lace, and ribbon
Would go, I doubt not, quite as glib on;
And, vice versa, take the pains
To give the PRINCE the shopman's
brains,

One only change from thence would flow,

Ribbons would not be wasted so.

'T was thus I pondered on, my Lord; And, even at night, when laid in bed, I found myself, before I snored,

Thus chopping, swopping head for
head.

At length I thought, fantastic elf!
How such a change would suit myself.
'Twixt sleep and waking, one by one,
With various pericraniums saddled,
At last I tried your Lordship's on,

And then I grew completely addled
Forgot all other heads, od rot 'em!
And slept, and dreamt that I was

TOM.

- BOT

Oh! can we wonder, best of speechers,
When LOUIS seated thus we see,
That France's "fundamental features"
Are much the same they used to be?
However, God preserve the Throne,
And cushion too- and keep them
free

From accidents, which have been known
To happen even to Royalty! 3

August 28. Read, at a stall (for oft one pops On something at these stalls and shops, That does to quote and gives one's Book A classical and knowing look. Indeed, I 've found, in Latin, lately, A course of stalls improves me greatly) — 'T was thus I read that in the East

A monarch's fat's a serious matter; And once in every year, at least, "He's weighed—to see if he gets fatter: 4

Then, if a pound or two he be
Increased, there 's quite a jubilee ! 5
Suppose, my Lord- and far from me
To treat such things with levity —
But just suppose the Regent's weight
Were made thus an affair of state;
And, every sessions, at the close,

'Stead of a speech, which, all can
see, is

Heavy and dull enough, God knows

We were to try how heavy he is. Much would it glad all hearts to hear That, while the Nation's Revenue

bees is, of course, universal; "exitium misère apibus," like the angry nymphs in Vergil:- but may not new swarms arise out of the victims of Legitimacy yet?

3 I am afraid that Mr. Fudge alludes here to a very awkward accident, which is well known to have happened to poor Louis le Désiré, some years since, at one of the Regent's Fêtes. He was sitting next our gracious Queen at the time.

4 "The third day of the Feast the King causeth himself to be weighed with great care.". F:Bernier's " Voyage to Surat," etc.

5 "I remember," says Bernier, "that all the Omrahs expressed great joy that the King weighed two pounds more now than the year preceding. -Another author tells us that "Fatness, as well as a very large head, is considered, throughout India, as one of the most precious gifts of heaven. An enormous skull is absolutely revered, and the happy owner is looked up to as a superior being. To a Prince a joulter head is invaluable."- Oriental Field Sports.

(Ah! that were worth its weight in lead!)

Along with which we in may whip, sly,
The Speeches of Sir JOHN COX HIPPISLY;
That Baronet of many words,

Who loves so, in the House of Lords,
To whisper Bishops — and so nigh

Unto their wigs in whispering goes, That you may always know him by

A patch of powder on his nose! If this won't do, we in must cram The "Reasons" of Lord BUCKINGHAM; (A Book his Lordship means to write, Entitled "Reasons for my Ratting:") Or, should these prove too small and light,

His rump's a host we 'll bundle
that in!

And, still should all these masses fail
To stir the REGENT's pondrous scale,
Why, then, my Lord, in heaven's name,
Pitch in, without reserve or stint,
The whole of RAGLEY'S beauteous
IfDame -

that won't raise him, devil 's in it!

August 31.

Consulted MURPHY'S TACITUS
About those famous spies at Rome,2

1 Major Cartwright.

2 The name of the first worthy who set up the rade of informer at Rome (to whom our Olivers

4 " Neque tamen id Sereno noxæ fuit, quem odium publicum tutiorem faciebat. Nam ut quis districtior accusator velut sacrosanctus erat." "Annal." lib. iv. 36. -Or, as it is translated by Mr. Fudge's friend, Murphy: "This daring accuser had the curses of the people, and the protection of the Emperor. Informers, in proportion as they rose in guilt, became sacred characters."

5 Murphy even confers upon one of his speeches the epithet "constitutional." Mr Fudge might have added to his parallel, that Tiberius was a good private character: egregium vitâ famâque quoad privatus.

6" Ludibria seriis permiscere solitus."

But even that brought gibes and mockings

Upon our heads—so, mem.—must never
Keep ammunition in old stockings;
For fear some wag should in his curst
head

Take it to say our force was worsted.
Mem. too when SID an army raises,
It must not be "incog." like Bayes's:
Nor must the General be a hobbling
Professor of the art of cobbling;
Lest men, who perpetrate such puns,

Should say, with Jacobinic grin,
He felt, from soleing Wellingtons,2
A Wellington's great soul within!
Nor must an old Apothecary

Go take the Tower, for lack of pence,

With (what these wags would call, so merry,)

Physical force and phial-ence!

No- -no- our Plot, my Lord, must be Next time contrived more skilfully. John Bull, I grieve to say, is growing So troublesomely sharp and knowing, So wise in short, so Jacobin

'Tis monstrous hard to take him in.

September 6.

Heard of the fate of our Ambassador
In China, and was sorely nettled;
But think, my Lord, we should not pass
it o'er

Till all this matter 's fairly settled;
And here's the mode occurs to me:
As none of our Nobility,

Tho' for their own most gracious King
(They would kiss hands, or - any thing),
Can be persuaded to go thro'
This farce-like trick of the Ko-tou;
And as these Mandarins won't bend,
Without some mumming exhibition,
Suppose, my Lord, you were to send
GRIMALDI to them on a mission:
As Legate, JOE could play his part,
And if, in diplomatic art,
The "volto sciolto "8's meritorious,
Let JOE but grin, he has it, glorious!

A title for him 's easily made;

And, by the by, one Christmas time, If I remember right, he played

4

Lord MORLEY in some pantomime; As Earl of MORLEY then gazette him, If t' other Earl of MORLEY 'll let him. (And why should not the world be blest With two such stars, for East and West?) Then, when before the Yellow Screen He's brought-and, sure, the very

essence

Of etiquette would be that scene
Of JOE in the Celestial Presence!

3 The open countenance, recommended by Lord Chesterfield.

4 Mr. Fudge is a little mistaken here. It was not Grimaldi, but some very inferior performer, who played this part of "Lord Morley" in the pantomime,- - so much to the horror of the distinguished Earl of that name. The expostulatory letters of the Noble Earl to Mr. Harris, upon this vulgar profanation of his spick-and-span new title, will, I trust, some time or other, be given to the world.

FROM MISS BIDDY FUDGE TO MISS
DOROTHY

WELL, it is n't the King, after all, my dear creature!

But don't you go laugh, now - there's nothing to quiz in 't

For grandeur of air and for grimness of feature,

He might be a King, DOLL, tho', hang him, he is n't.

At first, I felt hurt, for I wisht it, I own, If for no other cause but to vex Miss MALONE,

(The great heiress, you know, of Shandangan, who's here,

Showing off with such airs, and a real Cashmere, 2

While mine's but a paltry, old rabbitskin, dear!)

1 See Mr. Ellis's account of the Embassy. 2 See Lady Morgan's "France" for the anecdote, told her by Madame de Genlis, of the

And was killed by a fall from a cherrytree then!

What a frisky old girl! but to come to my lover,

Who, tho' not a King, is a hero I'll

swear,

You shall hear all that's happened, just briefly run over,

Since that happy night, when we whiskt thro' the air!

Let me see -'t was on Saturday
yes, DOLLY, yes -

From that evening I date the first dawn of my bliss;

When we both rattled off in that dear little carriage,

Whose journey, BOB says, is so like Love and Marriage,

young gentleman whose love was cured by finding that his mistress wore a shawl "peau de lapin."