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I dinks mine hed vas schplit abart
I somedimes dink I schall go vild
on a summer's eve to meet the Vicar, home returning. “Ah! Master Hodge," the Vicar cried, “what, still as wise as ever? the people in the village say that you are wondrous clever.” 66.6Why, Measter Parson, as to that I beg you'll ríght conceive me; I do na brag, but yet I knaw a thing or two, believe
“We'll try your skill,” the Parson cried, “for learning what digestion : and this you'll prove or right or wrong, by solving me a question. Noah, of old, three babies had, or grown np children rather : Shem, Ham, and Japhet they were called ;—now who was Japhet's father” “Rat it !” cried Hodge, and scratched his head ; that does my wits belabor: but howsomde'er, I'll homeward run, and ax old Giles my neighbor."
To Giles he went and put the case, with circumspect intention: “Thou fool,'' cried Giles, “I'll make it clear to thy dull comprehension. Three children has Tom Long, the smith, or cattle-doctor rather; Tom, Dick, and Harry, they are called: now who is Harry's father! “Adzooks, I have it,” Hodge replied, "right well I know your lingo; who's Harry's father?—stop—here goes,—why Long Tom Smith,, by jingo.'
Away he ran to find the priest, with all his might and main ; who with goodhumor instant put the question once again. “Noah, of old, three babies had, or grown-up children rather ; Shem, Ham, and Japhet they were called: now who was Japhet's father?" "I have it now," Hodge grinning cried, “I'll answer like
“' a proctor: who's Japhet's father? now I know; why Long Tom Smith, the Doctor."
XXX.-A CHEAP DINNER.
PLANCHE WO “Messieurs” lately from old France come over, half-starved, but toujours
gai (no weasels e’er were thinner), trudged up to town from Dover, their slender store exhausted in the way; extremely puzzled how to get "von dinner.”
From morn till noon, from noon till dewy eve, our Frenchmen wandered on their expedition ; great was their need, and sorely did they grieve-stomach and pocket in the same condition! At length, by mutual consent they parted, and different ways on the same errand started. This happened on a day most dear to epicures, when general use sanctions the roasting of a savoury goose ! Towards night, one Frenchman, at a tavern near, stopped, and beheld the glorious cheer! while greedily he snoffed the lucious gale in, that from the kitchen-windows was exhaling. He instant set to work his busy brain, and snuffed, and longed, and longed, and snuffed again! Necessity's the mother of invention (a proverb I've heard many mention); so now one moment saw his plan completed, and our sly Frenchman at a table seated. The ready waiter at his elbow stands—“Sir, will you favor me with your commands ? we've roast and boiled, Sir; choose you
those or these?" “Sare! you are very good, Sare! Vat you please !!!
Quick at the word, upon the table smokes the wished-for bird ! No time in talking did he waste, but pounced pell-mell upon it; drumstick and merry-thought he picked in haste exulting in the merry-thought that won it ! Pie follows goose, and after pie comes cheese :---Stilton or Cheshire, Sir?”'
(Ah, cat voi please!" —And now our Frenchman, having ta'en his fill, prepares to go, when
-“Sir, your little Bill.” “Ah, vat, you're Bill ! vell, Mr. Bill, good-day ! Bon jour, good Villiam.' -“No, Sir, stay! my name is Tom, Sir—you've this bill to pay.” “Pay, pay, ma foi! I call for noting, Sare-pardonnez moi ! you bring me vat you call your goose, your cheese ; you ask-a me to eat—I tell you, Vat you please !!! Down came the Landlord ; each explained the case, the , one with anger, t'other with grimace; but Boniface, who dearly loved a jest, although sometimes he dearly paid for it, and finding nothing could be done (you know, that when a man has got no money, to make him pay some would be rather funny) of a bad bargain made the best, acknowledged much was to be said for it; took pity on the Frenchman's meagre face, then, Briton-like, forgave a fallen foe, laughed heartily, and let him go.
Our Frenchman's hunger thus subdued, away he trotted in a merry mood ; when, turning round the corner of a street, who but his countryman he chanced to meet ? To him, with many a shrug and many a grin, he told how he had taken Jean Bull in! Fired with the tale, the other licks his chops, makes his congee, and seeks this shop of shops. Entering, he seats himself just at his ease. 6.What will you take, Sir?” -“Vat you please !!—The Waiter looked as pale as Paris plaster, and, upstairs running, thus addressed his master : “These vile Mounseers come over sure in pairs ; Sir, there's another ‘vat you please' down stairs !!! -This made the Landlord rather crusty ; “Too much of one thing”. the proverb's somewhat musty: once to be done his anger didn't touch; but when a second time they tried the treason—it made him crusty, Sir, and with good reason :—you would be crusty were you done so much.
There is a kind of instrument which greatly helps a serious argument, and which, when properly applied, occasions some most unpleasant tickling sensations ! --'would make more clumsy folks than Frenchmen skip, 'twould strike you presently—a stout horsewhip. This instrument our Maitre d'hote most carefully coucealed beneath his coat; and, seeking instantly the Frenchman's station, addressed him with the usual salutation. Our Frenchman, bowing to his threadbare knees, determined while the iron's hot to strike it, quick with his lesson
-Vat you please !" But scarcely had he let the sentence slip, when round his shoulders twines the pliant whip. “Sare, sare ! ah, misericorde ! parbleu! oh, dear ! Monsieur! vat make you use me so ? Vat you call dis?" "Ah, don't you know, that's what I please,” says Bony, “how d’ye like is ? Your friend, though I paid dearly for his funning, deserved the goose he gained, Sir, for his
cunning ; but you, Monsieur, or else my time I'm wasting, are goose enough—and only wanted basting.' XXXI.--THE SPIRIT OF CONTRADICTION.
LLOYD. THE very silliest things in life create the most material strife : what scarce will
suffer a debate, will oft produce the bitterest hate. "It is !” you say,- I say, “Tis not !" Why' you grown warm—and I am not. Thus each alike with passion glows, and words come first--and after, blows.
Friend Jerkin had an income clear, some fifty pounds or more a year ; and rented, on the farming plan, grounds at much greater sums per ann. A man of consequence no doubt, 'mongst all his neighbors round about: he was of frank and open mind, too honest to be much refined ; would smoke his pipe, and tell his tale, sing a good song, and drink his ale.
His wife was of another mould; her age was—neither young nor old ; her features, strong, ye: somewhat plain ; her air, not bad, but rather vain ; her temper, neither new nor strange; a woman's—very apt to change: what she most hated was—CONVICTION ; what she most loved—FLAT CONTRADICTION ! A charming housewife, ne'ertheless ; tell me a thing she could not dress : soups, hashes, pickles, puddings, pies, naught came amiss—she was so wise ; for she, bred twenty miles from town, had brought a world of breeding down, and Cumberland had seldom seen a farmer's wife with such a mien. She could not bear the sound of Dame ; no ;—“Mistress Jerkin” was her name.
Once on a time, the season fair for exercise and cheerful air, it happened in his morning's roam, he killed some birds, and brought them home. “Here, Cicely, take away my gun ; how shall we have these starlings done?” 66_Done! what, my love ? your wits are wild ! starlings, my dear ! they're thrushes, child.”“Nay, now, but look, consider, wife, they're starlings.”—“No, upon my life ! sure I can judge as well as you, I know a thrush and starling too.”—“Who was it shot them, you or I? they're starlings !”—“Thrushes !"__"Wife, you lie.”—“Pray, Sir, take back your dirty word, I scorn your language as your bird ; it ought to make a husband blush, to treat a wife so 'bout a thrush.”—“Thrush, Cicely!"“Yes.”—“A starling !”—“No”—The lie again, and then the blow. Blows carry strong and quick conviction, and mar the powers of contradiction. Peace soon ensued, and all was well : it were imprudence to rebel, or keep the ball up of debate, against these arguments of weight.
A year rolled on in perfect ease ; 'twas, “As you like!” and, “What you please !"?—At length returned, in annual flight, the day of this most fowlish fight : quoth Cicely—"Ah, this charming life, no tumults now, no blows, no strife! what fools we were this day last year! Law ! how you beat me then my dear ! Sure it was idle and absurd, to wrangle so about a bird, a bird not worth a single rush''“A starling.”—“No, my love, a thrush ! that I'll maintain.”—That I'll deny." -"You're wrong, good husband.”'_“Wife, you lie !” Again the self-same wrangle rose, again the lie, again the blows. Thus, every year (true man and wife), ensues the same domestic strife ; thus every year their quarrel ends—they argue, fight, and kiss, and friends ; 'tis “Starling !"'.—Thrush !”—and “Thrush !”—and "Starling !”—“You dog!''—"You cat !”- “My dear !”—“My darling!”
XXXII.--THE FIRST CLIENT.
OHN SMITH, a young attorney, just admitted to the bar,
Was solemn and sagacious as—as young attorneys are ;
One day in term-time Mr. Smith was sitting in the court,
Scroggs, late of said county, did then and there feloniously take, steal and
carry away One bay hursa, of the value of fifty dollars, more or less (The same then and there being of the property, goods and chattels of one
Hezekiah Hess), Contrary to the statute in such case expressly made And provided ; and against the peace and dignity of the State wherein the venue
had been laid. The prisoner, Joseph Scroggs, was then arraigned upon this charge, And plead not guilty, and of this he threw himself upon the country at large; And said Joseph being poor, the court did graciously appoint Mr. Smith to defend him-much on the same principle that obtains in every
charity hospital, where a young medical student is often set to rectify a
serious injury to an organ or a joint. The witnesses seemed prejudiced against poor Mr. Scroggs ; And the District Attorney made a thrilling speech, in which he told the jury that
if they didn't find for the State he reckoned he'd have to “walk their logs;” Then Mr. Smith arose and made his speech for the defense, Wherein he quoted Shakespeare, Blackstone, Chitty, Archibold, Joaquin, Miller,
Story, Kent, Tupper, Smedes and Marshall, and many other writers, and
everybody said they never heerd sich a bust of eloquence." And he said on “this hypothesis my client must go free ;'' And: “Again on this hypothesis, it's morally impossible that he could be guilty,
don't you see?” And: “Then, on this hypothesis, you really can't convict ;" And so on, with forty-six more hypothesis, upon none of which, Mr. Smith ably
demorstrated, could Scioggs. be derelict. But the jury, never stirring from the box wherein they sat, Returned a verdict of "guilty”; and his Honor straightway sentenced Scroggs to
a three years' term in the penitentiary, and a heavy fine, and the costs on
top of that ; And the prisoner, in wild delight, got up and danced and sung ; And when they asked him the reason of this strange behavor, he said: “It's because
I got off so easy-for if there'd ha' been a few more of them darned hypothesises, I should certainly have been hung !!!
XXXIII_HERE SHE GOES AND THERE SHE GOES.
WO Yankee ways, one summer day, stopped at a tavern on their way; supped,
frolicked, late retired to rest, and woke to breakfast on the best. The breakfast over, Tom and Will sent for the Landlord, and “the bill ;” Will looked it over ;—“Very right--But hold! what wonder meets my sight? Tom ! this surprise is quite a shock!" “What wonder? Where ?” “The clock, the clock !"
Tom and the Landlord in a maze stared at the clock with stupid gaze, and for a moment neither spoke; at last the Landlord silence broke:-“You mean the clock that's ticking there? I see no wonder, I declare ! though may-be, if the
truth were told, 'tis rather ugly, somewhat old ; yet time it keeps to half a minute ; if you please, sir, what wonder's in it ???
“Tom, don't you recollect,” said Will, “the clock at Jersey, near the Mill, - the very image of this present, with which I won the wager pleasant?” “Sir, begging pardon for inquiring," the Landlord said, with grin admiring, "what wager was it?''_“You remember it happened, Tom, in last December; in sport I bet a Jersey Blue that it was more than he could do to make his finger go and come in keeping with the pendulum ; repeating, till the hour shall close, still, — Here she goes, and there she goes.' He lost the bet in half a minute.''
“Well, if I would, the deuce is in it!" exclaimed the Landlord ; "try me yet, and fifty dollards be the bet." “Agreed ; but we will play some trick, to make you of the bargain sick !” “I'm up to that?'—"Don't make us wait, begin,--the clock is striking eight."-He seats himself, and left and right his finger wags with all its might, and hoarse his voice and hoarser grows, with “Here she goes, and there she goes .!”
"Hold !" said the Yankee, “plank the ready!" The Host still wagged his finger steady, while his left hand, as well as able, conveyed a purse upon the table.
-“Tom ! with the money let's be off!”—This made the Landlord only scoff. He heard them running down the stair, but was not tempted from his chair; and loud and long the ditty rose of—“Here she goes, and there she goes !!!
His mɔther came in tɔ see her daughter: "Where is Ms. B— When will she come, do you suppose? ...son !”– “Here she goes, and there she goes .'"' “Here !—where?'—the lady in surprise his finger followed with her eyes ; “Son ! why that steady gaze and sad ? those words,—that motion,--are you mad ? But here's your wife, perhaps she knows,—What?"_"Here she goes, and there she
"Lawks!'' screamed the wife, “I'm in a whirl! Run down and bring our little girl ; she is his darling, and who knows but”“Here she goes, and there she goes .!''—“Law, he is mad ! What made him thus ? Oh, 'ma! what will become of us?”'_“Run for a doctor, -run, run, ruin—for Doctor Brown and Doctor Dun, —and Doctor Black and Doctor White,—and Doctor Gray, with all your might !''
The Doctors came, and looked, and wondered, and shook their heads, and paused, and pondered. Then one proposed he should be bled, “No, leeched, you mean,” the other said.
“Clap on a blister, roared another,-“No! cup him.' —“No! trepan him, brother."'--Then one produced a box of pills, --his certain cure for earthly ills:--"I had a patient yesternight,' quoth he, “and wretched was her plight; and, as the only means to save her, three dozen patent pills I gave her; and by to-morrow, I suppose that”—“Here she goes, and there she goes .'"'
“You are all fools !” old Madam said, -—“The way is just to shave his head. Run! bid the Barber come anon. “Thanks, mother!" thought her clever son ; yet from his lips no accent flows but—Here she goes, and there she goes !” The Barber came — "My goodness! what a queerish customer I've got ; but we must do our best to save him, so hold him Gemmen, while I shave him ! ”But here the doctors interpose. —"A woman never”—“Therz she goes.??—“A woman is no judge of physic, not even when her baby is sick. He must be bled." “No, no, a blister.”——“A draught, you mean."--"I say, a blister,'' --“No, cup him,' “Leech him,”—“Pills ! pills! pills !” and all the house the uproar fills.
What means that smile? what means that shiver ? The Landlord's limbs with rapture quiver ; and triumph brightens up his face, his finger yet shall win the race; the clock begins the stroke of nine, and up he starts, -"Tis mine! 'tis mine!” ---What do you mean?”—“I mean the “fifty ;' I never spent an hour so thrifty. But you, who tried to make me lose, go, burst with envy, if you choose! But how is this? where are they?”'--"Who?"-—“The gentlemen, -I mean the two who came