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"Twould have been madness (you may rate)
XXXIV.-ADDRESS TO A MUMMY.
ND thou hast walk'd about (how strange a story!)
In Thebes's streets three thousand years ago, When the Memnonium was in all its glory,
And time had not begun to overthrow Those temples, palaces, and piles stupendous, Of which the very ruins are tremendous.
Speak! for thou long enough hast acted dummy,
Thou hast a tongue-come, let us hear its tune; Thou’rt standing on thy legs, above ground, Mummy!
Revisiting the glimpses of the moon,
'Tell us, for doubtless thou canst recollect
To whom should we assign the Sphinx's fame?
Of either pyramid that bears his name?
Perchance that very hand, now pinion'd fat,
Has hob-a-nobb’d with Pharaoh glass to glass ;
Or doff'd thine own to let Queen Dido pass ;
I need not ask thee if that hand, when arm’d,
any Roman soldier maul'd and knuckled, For thou wert dead and buried, and embalm’d,
Ere Romulus and Remus had been suckled ;
Since first thy form was in this box extended,
We have above ground, seen some strange mutations; The Roman empire has begun and ended, Now worlds have risen, we have lost old nations, And countless Kings have into dust been humbled, While not a fragment of thy flesh has crumbled.
Didst thou not hear the pother o'er thy head,
When the great Persian conqueror, Cambyses,
O’erthrew Osiris, Orus, Apis, Isis,
If the tomb's secrets may not be confess’d,
The nature of thy private life unfold :
And tears adown that dusty cheek have roll’d.
Statue of Aesh-immortal of the dead !
Imperishable type of evanescence !
And standest undecay'd within our presence,
Why should this worthless tegument endure,
If its undying guest be lost for ever?
In living virtue; and when both must sever,
XXXV.-A LECTURE ON LECTURES.
give you a Lecture on Lectures, but first and foremost I think it necessary that I should give some account of myself, because as why, a man who can give no account of himself, is to all intents and purposes, a vagram.
First, as to my name. Timothy Last, at your service, by trade (when I used to follow it ) a shoemaker; but happening to see one of your lecturers in our town, I was inspired as it were, and knowing him to be no better schollard than myself, I took off my apron, threw down my lapstone, kicked up my last, gave up my awl, and so set off to lecture. I was a long time before I could detarmine with myself what subject to begin upon, at last Stronomy came into my head, but I found the stars were out of my reach, and whenever I dipped into that science, I was presently lost as it were in a cloud. Then Ottamy came into my head, I was at home to a peg in Ottamy; for as to plucking out a tooth, or picking out a corn, nobody is more skilful than myself ; but when I came to the imputation of a leg, and as I am naturally tender-hearted, I found it too cutting a business for me. Then, says I to myself, what think’st thou, Master Timothy, of Chemistry? I thought as how that business was something in my way, for as to your consalzes and presarves, nobody is more larned in that way than myself; but then thinks I again, some of my auditors may have an objection to the name of physic, and physic now a day is nothing but a drug. Then Heraldry came into my head; but happening to see the king's arms on a cab, I thought the dignity of that science was gone to the dogs.
I would have set about a Lecture on Healis ; but I found that George Alexander Stevens had dissected every head in the kingdom so well, that I should have been set down as one of his block-heads, if I had meddled with ever a
I thought the heart would be no bad subject; but I could find so very good ones, that I had not heart to set about it Thinking of bad hearts put the law into my head, and I thought a Lecture on the Law would be no bad thing; then says I to myself, the law is no great thing itself, but would it not be better if I could make a good subject out of it? I thought and I ponder'd about it, till I found myself, like a poor fly in a cobweb; the law always puts me in mind of a coffin, once in, never out again. If none of these subjects will do, what in the name of Lucifer will do ? Lucifer ! who the devil is Lucifer ? A great Orator mayhap. Odds bobbs, an Orator ; it came directly into my head that a Lecture on Oratory would be the best thing I could set about, and so I begins my Lecture on Oratory.
Ladies and Gemmen, now according to the larned, and I am something of a schollard myself, Oratory means jawing, because no orator can speak without his jaws; perhaps you'll think I can't give you a latin devination for it; now you'll find yourself mistaken. What is English for Os ? Why bone to be sure, and the jaws being full of bones, they are fixed proofs that the word Oratory comes from Os. Now I think it is necessary that you should know what an Orator is; and what is he to do? answer, to speak words. And what are words? I answer, letters put together; but there can be no word without a wowel. Because why? Why do ye see, because there can't. What are the necessary qualities of an Orator? The first, he must “ hem ;'' then wipe his mouth; then lay his hand upon his heart; then turn up his eyes ; then out comes a word ; then another follows it; and then, like a post-horse, let him get on as fast as he can. An Oratoi should be a good mimic too; odds bobbs, now I talks of mimics I must take care whar I am about, for i am snrrounded by mimics here, and they will be for taking me off perphaps ; now you shall see I will save them the trouble, and take myself off.
XXXVI.-TIT FOR TAT.
LAW there is, of ancient fame,
By nature's self in every land implanted
Give your next neighbor but a pat,
This tit for tat, it seems, not men alone,
A mighty Elephant that swell’d the state
Of Aurengzebe the Great,
To drink and cool him in the river ;
And as he rode along,
A cocoa-nut's a pretty fruit enough,
Working and sweating,
Pishing and fretting,
At length, quite out of patience grown, “Who'll reach me up (he cries) a stone
"To break this plaguy shell ? “But stay, I've here a solid bone,
"May do perhaps as well." So half in earnest, half in jest, He bang'd it on the forehead of his beast.
An elephant, they say, has human feeling,
And, full as well as we, he knows
The diff'rence between words and blows, Between horse-play and civil dealing.
Use him but well, he'll do his best;
But insults unprovok'd he can't digest,
"To make my head an anvil," (thought the creature)
,' “Was never, certainly, the will of Nature !
“So, master mine ! you may repent:" Then, shaking his broad ears, away he went !
The driver took him to the water,
And thought no more about the matter; But Elephant within his mem'ry hid it; He felt the wrong,—the other only did it.
A week or two elapsed, one market day
Thro' rows of shops and booths they pass’d,
Till to a gardener's stall they came at last, Where cocoa-nuts lay piled upon the board.
“Ha!"' thought the Elephant, “'tis now my turn “To show this method of nut-breaking ;
“My friend above will like to learn, “Though at the cost of a head-aching. Then in his curling trunk he took a heap, And waved it o'er his neck with sudden sweep, And on the hapless driver's sconce
He laid a blow, so hard and full, That cracked the nuts at once,
But with them crack'd his scull.
Young folks whene'er you feel inclined
Bear tit for tat in mind,
To be repaid in kind.
XXXVII.—THE RIVAL BROOM MAKERS.
THIEVING fellow, naturally sly,
“ Cheaper than all the world,” his wares would cry, And on a jackass' back such bargains brought 'em ;
All size'd and sorted town-made brooms,
For sweeping stables, gardens, hearths, or rooms,
When on a dismal day, at every door,
Where oft he'd sold his dog-cheap goods before, With freezing looks, his customers all told him,
Another broom-monger they'd found,
That travell’d far and wide the country round,
With knitted brows—up to his ears in thought,
That any mortal man could sell so cheap.
wonder,) With roaring out “Cheap brooms !"' O’erjoyed he meets His brother brush, and thus the rascal greets :“ How, how the devil, brother rogue, do I Hear my old friends sing out a general cry That I'm a knave! then growl like bears, and tell me,
That you do more,
Than all the world could ever do before.
“Ah!” (quoth his brother thief, a dog far deeper) “ I see, my boy, you haven't half learnt your trade,
go a cheaper way to work than that.”—“A cheaper." Why, ah–I always steals mine ready made.
XXYVIII.-ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.
OR, THE TINKER AND THE GLAZIER.
WO thirsty souls met on a sultry day,
One glazier Dick, the other Tom the tinker; Both with light purses, but with spirits gay,
And hard it were to name the sturdiest drinker.