little piece, will, I doubt not, thank me for inserting it; and the learned reader will have the additional pleasure of admiring it as an humorous imitation of Horace. Iccî, beatis nunc Arabum invides L. I. Ode xxix. So you, my friend, at last are caught- All meaner studies you resign, The beau of the beau-monde. Say, gallant youth, what well-known name What watchman mourn your fury? What sprightly imp of Gallic breed No more let mortals toil in vain, What rolling time will bring: Since you each better promise break, For lace and velvet quit your gown, For Drury-lane St. Mary's. No. 12. THURSDAY, APRIL 18, 1754. Nec verò ha sine sorte datæ, sine judice sedes. VIRG. N. vi. 431. Nor shall the four-legg'd culprit 'scape the law TURNING Over the last volume of lord Bolingbroke's Works a few days ago, I could not help smiling at his lordship's extraordinary manner of commenting on some parts of the Scriptures. Among the rest he represents Moses, as making beasts accountable to the community for crimes, as well as men; whence his lordship infers, that the Jewish legislator supposed them capable of distinguishing between right and wrong, and acting as moral agents. The oddity of this remark led me to reflect, if such an opinion should prevail in my country, what whimsical laws would be enacted, and how ridiculous they would appear when put in execution as if the horse that carried the highwayman, should be arraigned for taking a purse, or a dog indicted for feloniously stealing a shoulder of mutton. Such a country would seem to go upon the same principles, and entertain the same notions of justice, as the puritanical old woman, that hanged her cat for killing mice on the sabbath-day. These reflections were continued afterwards in my sleep; when methought such proceedings were common in our own courts of judicature. I imagined myself in a spacious hall like the Old Bailey, where they were preparing to try several animals, who had been guilty of offences against the laws of the land. The walls, I observed, were hung all round with bulls-hides, sheep-skins, foxes-tails, and the spoils of other brute-malefactors; and over the justice-seat, where the King's Arms are commonly placed, there was fixed a large stag's-head, which overshadowed the magistrate with its branching horns. I took particular notice, that the galleries were very much crowded with ladies; which I could not tell how to account for, till I found it was expected, that a Goat would that day be tried for a rape. The sessions soon opened; and the first prisoner that was brought to the bar, was a Hog, who was prosecuted at the suit of the Jews on an indictment for burglary, in breaking into their synagogue. As it was apprehended, that religion might be affected by this cause, and as the prosecution appeared to be malicious, the Hog, though the fact was plainly proved against him, to the great joy of all true Christians, was allowed Benefit of Clergy. An indictment was next brought against a cat for killing a favourite canary-bird. This offender belonged to an old woman, who was believed by the neighbourhood to be a witch. The jury, therefore, were unanimous in their opinion, that she was the devil in that shape, and brought her in guilty. Upon which the judge formally pronounced sentence upon her, which I remember concluded with these words: You must be carried to the place of execution, where you are to be hanged by the neck nine times, till you are dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead; and the fiddlers have mercy upon your guts.' A parrot was next tried for scandalum magnatum. He was accused by the chief magistrates of the city, and the whole court of aldermen, for de faming them, as they passed along the street, on a public festival, by singing, Room for cuckolds, here comes a great company; room for cuckolds, here comes my lord mayor.' This parrot was a very old offender; much addicted to scurrility; and had been several times convicted of profane cursing and swearing. He had even the impudence to abuse the whole court, by calling the jury rogues and rascals; and frequently interrupted my lord judge in summing up the evidence, by crying out old bitch.' The court, however, was pleased to show mercy to him, upon the petition of his mistress, a strict Methodist; who gave bail for his good behaviour, and delivered him over to Mr. Whitefield, who undertook to make a thorough convert of him. After this a fox was indicted for robbing a henroost. Many farmers appeared against him, who deposed, that he was a very notorious thief, and bad long been the terror of ducks, geese, turkeys, and all other poultry. He had infested the country a long time, and had often been pursued, but they could never take him before. As the evidence was very full against him, the jury readily brought him in guilty; and the judge was proceeding to condemn him, when the sly villain, watering his brush, flirted it in the face of the jailer, and made off. Upon this a country squire, who was present, hallooed out, 'Stole away,' and a hue and cry was immediately sent after him. When the uproar, which this occasioned was over, a milch-ass was brought to the bar, and tried for contumeliously braying, as she stood at the door of a sick lady of quality. It appeared, that this lady was terribly afflicted with the vapours, and could not bear the least noise; had the knocker always tied up, and straw laid in the street. Notwithstanding which, this audacious creature used every morning to give her foul language, which broke her rest, and flung her into hysterics. For this repeated abuse the criminal was sentenced to the pillory, and ordered to lose her ears. An information was next laid against a shepherd's dog upon the game act for poaching. He was accused of killing a hare without being properly qualified. But the plaintiff thought it adviseable to quash the indictment, as the owner of the dog had a vote to sell at the next election. There now came on a very important cause, in which six of the most eminent counsel learned in the law were retained on each side. A monkey, belonging to a lady of the first rank and fashion, was indicted for that he with malice prepense did commit wilful murder on the body of a lap-dog. The counsel for the prosecutor set forth, that the unfortunate deceased came on a visit with another lady; when the prisoner at the bar, without the least provocation, and contrary to the laws of hospitality, perpetrated this inhuman fact. The counsel for the prisoner, being called upon to make the monkey's defence, pleaded his privilege, and insisted on his being tried by his peers. This plea was admitted; and a jury of beaux was immediately impannelled, who, without going out of court, honourably acquitted him. The proceedings were here interrupted by a hound, who came jumping into the hall, and running to the justice-seat, lifted up his leg against the judge's robe. For this contemptuous behaviour, he was directly ordered into custody; when to our great surprise he cast his skin and became an ostrich; and presently after shed his feathers, and terrified us in the shaggy figure of a bear. Then he was a lion, then a horse, then again a baboon; and after many other amazing transformations, leap |