The abject expectations of being made my heir. spirit of these wretches flatters me, and amuses me. I am indolent, and hate contradiction; and can safely say, that not one of my acquaintance has contradicted me for these seven years. There is not one of them but would be glad if I would spit in his face, or rejoice at a kick of the breech from me, if they thought I meant it as a token of my familiarity. When I am grave, they appear as dull as mutes at a funeral: When I smile, they grin like monkies: When I tell a silly story, they chuckle over every ridiculous particular, and shake their sides in admiration of my wit. Sometimes I pretend to be short-sighted, and then not one of them sees farther than his nose. They swallow sour wine, eat musty victuals, and are proud to ride in my old boots. I have been told of a certain prelate, who brought his chaplains to such a degree of servility, that after every deal at whist, they would ask him, what he would chuse to have for trumps next deal? I keep my fellows in equal gocd order. They all think me a close old hunks; and, imagining that winning their money will put me in good humour with them, they practise all the arts of sharping to cheat themselves. I have known them to pack the cards at Whist, that I might hold all the four honours in my own hand: they will load the dice in my favour, at Hazard; pocket themselves on purpose at Billiards; and at Bowls, if any one is near winning the game, he never fails in the next cast to mistake his biass. It is impossible for the most despotic monarch to be more absolute over his subjects than I am over these slaves and sycophants. Yet, in spite of all their endeavours to oblige me, I most heartily despise them; and have already drawn up a will, in which I have bequeathed to each of them a shilling and a dog-collar. But though I have settled in my mind what legacies I shall leave to them, I have not thoroughly resolved in what manner I shall dispose of the bulk of my estate. Indeed, I am fully determined, like most other wealthy bachelors, either to leave my fortune to some ostentatious pious uses, or to persons whom I have never seen, and for whose characters I have not the least regard or esteem. To speak sincerely, ostentation carries away my whole heart but then it is a little difficult to find out a new object to indulge my vanity, whilst I am on this side the grave, by securing to me a certain prospect of posthumous fame, which is always so agreeable to living pride. : The hospitals are so numerous, that my name will be lost among those more known and established of Guy, Morden, Bancroft, and I know not who. Besides, in the space of four or five centuries, perhaps, it may be thought, notwithstanding my wholelength picture and statue, that I had assistance from parliament. If I order my money to be laid out in churches, they will never be built if in temples, gardens, lakes, obelisks, and serpentine rivers, the next generation of the sons of Taste will demolish all my works, turn my rounds into squares, and my squares into rounds, and not leave even my bust, although it were cast in plaister of Paris by Mr. Rackstrow, or worked up in wax by Mr. Goupy. Or supposing, in imitation of some of my predecessors, I were to bequeath my fortune to my housekeeper, and recommend her in my will as a pattern of virtue, diligence, and every good quality, what will be the effect? In three weeks after my death she will marry an Irishman, and I shall not even enjoy my monument and marble periwig in Westminster-Abbey. Nothing perplexes me so much as the disposal of my money by my last will and testament. While I am living it procures the most servile compliance with all my whims from my sycophants, and several other conveniences: but I would fain buy fame with it after my death. Do but instruct me, how I may lay it out in the most valuable purchases of this sort; only discover some new object of charity, and perhaps I may bequeath you a round sum of money for your advice. I am, Sir, your humble servant, THOMAS VAINALL. It is said by an old poet, that no man's life can be called happy or unhappy till his death; in like manner, I have often thought, that no words or actions are a better comment upon a person's temper and disposition, than his last will and testament. This is a true portraiture of himself, drawn at full length by his own hand, in which the painting is commonly very lively, and the features very strongly marked. In the discharge of this solemn act, people sign and seal themselves, either wise and good characters, or villains and fools and any person that makes a ridiculous will, and bequeaths his money to frivolous uses, only takes a great deal of pains, like Dogberry in the play, That he may be set down an ass.' The love of fame governs our actions more universally than any other passion. All the rest gradually drop off, but this runs through our whole lives. This perhaps is one of the chief inducements that influences wealthy persons to bequeath their possessions to ostentatious uses; and they would as willingly lay out a considerable sum in buying a great name (if possible) at their deaths, as they would bestow it on the purchase of a coat of heraldry during their lives. They are pleased with leaving some memorial of their existence behind them, and to perpetuate the remembrance of themselves by the application of their money to some vainglorious purposes; though the good gentlemen never did one act to make themselves remarkable, or laid out a single shilling in a laudable manner while they lived. If an Apotheosis were to be bought, how many rich rogues would be deified after their death! not a plumb in the city but would purchase this imaginary godship, as readily as he paid for his freedom at his first setting up; and I doubt not but this fantastical distinction would be more frequent on an escutcheon than a coronet. The disposal of our fortunes by our last will should be considered as the discharge of a sacred trust, which we should endeavour to execute in a just manner; and as we have had the enjoyment of rich possessions, we ought carefully to provide, that they may devolve to those who have the most natural claim to them. They who may first demand our favour, are those who are allied to us by the ties of blood next to these, stand those persons to whom we are connected by friendship: and, next to our friends and relations, mankind in general. But the humanity of a testator will not be thought very extensive, though it reaches to posterity, or includes the poor in general, if it neglects the objects of charity immediately under his eye, or those individuals who have the best title to his benevolence. Virgil has placed those rich men who bestowed none of their wealth on their relations, among the chief personages in his Hell. Wherefore I would advise my good correspondent Mr. Vainall, first to consider, whether he has not some poor relation, starving perhaps in some distant part of the kingdom; after that, let him look round, whether he has not some friends whom he may possibly relieve from misery and distress. But if he has no relation nor any person in the world that has any regard for him, before he begins to endow a college, or found an hospital, I should take it as a particular favour if he would leave his money to me; and will promise to immortalize his memory in the Connois seur. No. CXXX. THURSDAY, JULY 22. ..............Lyrae solers, et cantor. HOR. Sweet Virtuosa! with what art she sings! I HAVE just received the following letter from Lady Humkin, the musical consort of my late correspondent Sir Aaron. I shall not pretend to moderate in family disputes of so important a nature, but leave each party to speak for themselves. MR. TOWN, PRAY hear both sides fairly, before you judge; for (to use the vulgar expression) one story is good till the other is told. I am, Sir, the unfortunate wife of that inelegant (I had almost said insensible) husband, who, in your paper of the eighth instant, pronounces and publishes me to be mad, stark mad. I confess and glory in my passion for music. And can there be a nobler or more generous one? My nerves are naturally strung to harmony, and variously affected by the various combinations of the Gamut. Some stay in Italy added skill and taste in composition to my natural happy disposition for music; and the best judges, as well as the best perfomers in that country, allowed me to have |