No. CXXVII. THURSDAY, JULY 1. Feryens difficili bile tumet jecur. HOR. SIR, Rage in her eyes, distraction in her mien, TO MR. TOWN. WE are told that in Spain it is the custom for husbands never to let their wives go abroad without a watchful old woman to attend them; and in Turkey it is the fashion to lock up their mistresses under the guard of a trusty eunuch: but I never knew, that in any country the men were put under the same restrictions. Alas! Sir, my wife is to me a very Duenna: she is as careful of me as the Keisler Aga, or Chief Eunuch, is of the Grand Signior's favorite Sultana and whether she believes that I am in love with every woman, or that every woman is in love with me, she will never trust me out of her sight; but sticks as close to me as if she really was, without a figure, bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh. I am never suffered to stir abroad without her, lest I should go astray; and at home she follows me up and down the house like a child in leading strings: nay, if I do but step down stairs on any ordinary occasion, she is so afraid that I should give her the slip, that she always screams after me, " my dear, " you are not going out;" though, for better security, she generally locks up my hat and cane, together with her own gloves and cardinal, that one may not stir without the other. I cannot flatter myself that I am handsomer or better made than other men: nor has she, in my eyes at least, fewer charms than other women. Need I add, that my complexion is not over sanguine, nor my constitution very robust; and yet she is so very doubtful of my constancy, that I cannot speak, or even pay the compliment of my hat, to any young lady, though in public, without giving new alarms to her jealousy. Such a one, she is sure from her flaunting airs, is a kept madam ; another is no better than she should be ; and she saw another tip me the wink, or give me the nod, as a mark of some private assignation between us. A nun, Sir, might as soon force her way into a convent of monks as any young woman get admittance into our house: she has therefore affronted all her acquaintance of her own sex, that are not, or might not have been, the grandmothers of many generations; and is at home to nobody but maiden ladies in the bloom of threescore, and beauties of the last century. She will scarce allow me to mix even with persons of my own sex; and she looks upon bachelors in particular as no better than pimps and common seducers; one evening indeed, she vouchsafed to trust me out of doors at a tavern with some of my male friends; but the first bottle had scarce gone round, before word was brought up that my boy was come with the lanthern to light me home. I sent him back with orders to call in an hour; when presently after the maid was dispatched, with notice that my dear was gone to bed very ill, and wanted me directly. I was preparing to obey the summons; when to our great surprise, the sick lady herself bolted into the room, complained of my cruel heart, and fell into a fit; from which she did not recover till the coach had set us down at our own house. She then called me the basest of husbands, and said that all taverns were no better than bawdy-houses, and that men only went thither to meet naughty women: at last she declared it to be her firm resoation, that I should never set my foot in any one of them again, except herself be allowed to make one of the company. You will suppose, Sir, that while my wife is thus cautious that I should not be led astray when abroad, she takes particular care that I may not stumble on temptation at home. For this reason as soon as I had brought her to my house, my two maid servants were immediately turned away at a moment's warning, not without many covert hints, and some open accusations, of too near an intimacy between us, though I protest to you, one was a feeble old wrinkled creature, as haggard and frightful as Mother Shipton; and the other, a strapping wench, as coarse and brawny as the female Samson. Even my man John, who had lived in the family for thirty years, was packed off, as being too well acquainted with his master's sly ways. A char-woman was forced to do our work for some time, before madam could suit herself with maids for her purpose. One was too pert a hussy; another went too fine; another was an impudent forward young baggage. At present our household is made up of such beautiful monsters as Caliban himself might fall in love with; my lady's own waiting woman has a most inviting hump-back, and is so charmingly paralytic, that she shakes all over, like a Chinese figure; the housemaid squints most delightfully with one solitary eye, which weeps continually for the loss of its fellow; and the cook, besides a most captivating red face and protuberant waist, has a most graceful hobble in her gait, occasioned by one leg being shorter than the other. I need not tell you, that I must never write a letter but my wife must see the contents before it is done up; and that I never dare to open one till she has broke the seal, or read it till she has first run it over. Every rap at the door from the post-man makes her tremble; and I have known her ready to burst with spleen at seeing a superscription written in a fair Italian hand, though perhaps it only comes from my aunt in the country. She can pick out an intrigue even from the impression on the wax: and a Cupid, or two hearts joined in union, or a wafer pricked with a pin, or stamped with a thimble, she interprets as the certain tokens of a billet-doux: and if there is a blank space left in any part of the letter, she always holds it for some time before the fire; that if it should be filled with any secret contents, written in juice of lemons, they may by that means become visible. About a month ago she found a mysterious paper in my coat pocket, which awakened all her mistrust. This suspicious manuscript was drawn up in hieroglyphics; which, as she could not interpret, she immediately concluded it to be a billet doux from some nasty creature, whom I secretly maintained in a corner of the town; and that we correspond together in cypher. This terrible paper, Sir, was in truth no other than a bill from my blacksmith in the country; who, never having learnt to write, expressed his meaning by characters of his own invention. Thus if he had mended a spade, he charged it to my account, by drawing as well as he could, the figure of a spade, and adding at a little distance six perpendicular lines, to signify six-pence; or, if he had repaired a plough, he sketched out that also in the same kind of rough draught, and annexed to it four curve lines, to denote four shillings. This matter I explained to my wife as fully as possible, but very little to her satisfaction. It is absolutely impossible to quiet her suspicions: she is perpetually reproaching me with my private trull, nay, upbraids me on this account before strangers; and it was but last week that she put me to inconceivable confusion before a whole room full of company, by telling them that I was in love with a blacksmith. Jealousy, Sir, it is said, is a sign of love. It may be so; bat it is a species of love which is attended with all the malevolent properties of hate: nay, I will venture to say, that many a modern wife hates her husband most heartily, without causing him half that uneasiness which my loving consort's suspicious temper creates to me. Her jealous whims disturb me the more, because I am naturally of an even mind and calm disposition: and one of the chief blessings I promised myself in matrimony was, to enjoy the sweets of domestic tranquillity. I loved my wife passionately; but I must own, that these perpetual attacks upon my peace make me regard her with less and less tenderness every day; and though there is not a woman in the world that I would prefer to my wife, yet I am apt to think that such violent suspicions, without a cause, have often created real matter for jealousy. T I am, SIR, your humble servant, &c. MY wife is mad, stark mad; and unless you can prescribe some remedy for that strange phrenzy which possesses her, my peace of mind must be for ever broken, and my fortune inevitably ruined. You must know, Sir, that she is afflicted with a disorder |