A companion taken by his lord to Brundisium, or the pleasant Surrentum, who complains of the ruggedness of the roads, and the bitter cold, and rains, or laments that his chest is broke open, and his provisions stolen, resembles the well-known tricks of a harlot, weeping so frequently for her necklace, (or lap-dog,) so frequently for a girdle that is forcibly taken from her, that at length no credit is given to her real griefs and losses. Nor does he who has been once ridiculed in the streets care to lift up a vagrant with a pretended broken leg, though abundance of tears should flow from him; though swearing by holy Osiris,* believe me: now I do not impose upon you: O cruel, take up the lame. Seek out for a stranger,† cries the whole hoarse neighbourhood. : EPISTLE XVIII. TO LOLLIUS. He treats at large upon the cultivation of the favour of great men, then concludes with a few words concerning the acquirement of peace of mind. IF I rightly know your temper, most ingenuous Lollius, you will beware of imitating a flatterer, while you profess yourself a friend. As a matron is unlike, and of a different aspect from a common strumpet, so will a true friend differ from the toadeater. There is an opposite vice to this, rather greater of the two; a clownish, inelegant, and disagreeable bluntness, which would recommend * Osiris being the great Egyptian God, perhaps it is hence to be collected that gypsies, or Egyptians, were common impostors in Rome; and that the name of that vagrant tribe is hence still continued in the same sense. † One that has had no experience in your impostures. X itself by an unshaven face and black teeth; while it desires to be termed downright freedom and true sincerity. Virtue is the medium of the two vices, and equally remote from either. The one is too prone to complaisance, and a jester of the lowest couch,* he so reverences the rich man's nod, so repeats his speeches, and catches up his falling words; insomuch that you would take him for a schoolboy saying his lesson to a rigid master, or that a player was acting an under-part: another often wrangles for a goat's hair, even ;† and arms, and engages, for any trifle: "That I, truly, should not have the first credit: and that I should not boldly speak aloud what is my real sentimentupon such terms, another life would be of no value." But what is the subject of this controversy? Why, whether the gladiator Castor or Docilis be the cleverer fellow; whether the Minucian or the Appian be the better road to Brundisium? Him, whom pernicious venery, whom quickdespatching dice beggars, whom vanity dresses out and perfumes beyond his abilities, whom insatiable hunger and thirst after money, or whom a shame and aversion of poverty possesses, his rich friend, though furnished with half-a-score more vices than he, hates and abhors: or, if he does not hate him, governs him; and, like the pious mother to her son, would have him more wise and virtuous than herself; and says what is nearly true; my riches (think not to imitate me) admit of extravagancy; your income is but small: a scanty gown becomes a prudent dependent: cease to vie with me. Whomsoever Eutrapelus had a mind to punish, he presented with costly garments. For now, (said he,) happy in his fine clothes, he will assume new schemes and hopes; he will sleep till day-light; prefer a harlot to his honest calling; will run into debt;* and at last become a gladiator, or drive a gardener's horse for hire. * The lower end of the table. † A proverbial expression for making much ado about a trifle. Do not you at any time pry into his (your patron's) secrets; and keep close what is intrusted to you, though put to the torture by the force of wine or passion. Neither commend your own inclinations, or find fault with those of others: nor, when he is disposed to hunt, must you make verses. For by such means the amity of the twins Zethus and Amphion broke off; till the lyre, disliked by the austere brother, was silent. Amphion is thought to have given way to his brother's humours: so do you rather yield to the genteel dictates of your friend in power: as often as he leads forth his dogs into the fields, and his cattle laden with Ætolian nets, arise, and lay aside the peevishness of your unmannerly muse, that you may sup together on the delicious fare, purchased by your labour; for this is an exercise habitual to the manly Romans, of service to their fame, and life, and limbs; especially when you are in health, and are able either to excel the dog in swiftness, or the boar in strength. Add to this, that there is no one who handles martial weapons more gracefully. You well know with what acclamations of the spectators you sustain the combats in the Campus Martius: in fine, as yet a boy you endured a bloody campaign and the Cantabrian wars, beneath a commander who is now replacing the standards recovered from the Parthian temples; and, if any thing is wanting, assigns to the Roman arms their grandeur. And that you may not withdraw yourself from such diversions, and inexcusably be absent, though you are careful to do nothing out of measure and moderation, yet you sometimes amuse yourself at your country seat. The mock fleet divides the little boats into two squadrons: the Actian seafight is represented by boys under your direction in a hostile form: your brother is the foe; your lake, the Adriatic where you fight,* till rapid victory crowns the one or the other with her bays. Your patron Augustus,t who will perceive that you come into his taste, will applaud your sports with both his hands.‡ * Literally, feed on other men's money. Moreover, that I may advise you, (if in truth you stand in need of any adviser ;) take great circumspection what you say of any man, and to whom. Avoid an inquisitive impertinent, for such a one is always a tattler; nor do such open ears * The victory at Actium, according to Plutarch, and Plorus, was gained very expeditiously. † Augustus had instituted games of this nature, to commemorate the battle of Actium. ‡ Literally, with both his thumbs. At the combats of the gladiators, the compression of the thumbs was an indication of popularity, as turning them upwards was of disapprobation, even to death. retain, with fidelity, what is intrusted to them: and a word once set abroad flies irrevocably. Let no slave within the marble threshold of your honoured friend inflame your heart; lest the owner of the beloved damsel gratify you with so trifling a present, or, mortifying to your wishes, should torment you with a refusal. Look over and over again into the merits of such a one as you recommend: lest afterwards the faults of others strike you with shame. We are sometimes imposed upon, and now and then introduce an unworthy person. Wherefore, once deceived, forbear to defend one, who suffers by his own bad conduct; but protect one, whom you entirely know, and with confidence guard him with your patronage, if false accusations attack him: who, when he is bit with the tooth of calumny,* do you not perceive that the same danger is hanging over your head? For it becomes your own affair, when the adjoining wall is on fire; and flames neglected are wont to get a-head. • The attending the levee of a friend in power seems delightful to the unexperienced: the experienced dread it. Do you, while your vessel is in the main, ply your business, lest a changing gale bear you back again. The melancholy hate the merry, and the jocose the melancholy; the volatile dislike the sedate; and the indolent, the stirring and the vivacious; the quaffers of pure Falernian from mid-day hate one who passes his turn, notwithstanding you * Literally, with the tooth of Theon, who was a Grecian poet, remarkable for the ill-natured spirit spirit of satire that prevailed in his writings. |