7. There is the murderers' canton, the darkest and most miserable place in all my dominions, yet for all that, it is very well peopled For here are ranked not orly those who cut one another's throats, like the Alexanders, Tamerlanes, Philips, Lewisses, &c. but also oppressors of every sort, cruel husbands, and wives, disobedient children, who break their parents' hearts; false friends, back-biters, and calumniators: indeed all who wanton in the unhappiness of their fellow creatures like corn-factors and carcase butchers: so that you see here are many inhabitants, and that too of considerable figure. 'Tis worthy of observation, that all the cantons have easy passages from one another, so that although the employment in each is different from that of the rest, they all hold communication with one another, as subjects of the same prince, and heirs of the same inheritance.

Yea, so numerous are the roads that lead from one to the other, that if a man gets into any one of my cantons, it requires no less power than omnipotent power, and wisdom equal to omniscience to extricate him from a labyrinth so dangerous: and it is well for me that it is so, for some of my subjects are frequently terrified, especially those that work in the deep mines, lest they should dig themselves through the earth, and tumble into hell. But a little time discovers that their efforts to deliver themselves are all ineffectual, for the road by which they escape from one canton, leads them into another equally dangerous. Many ways there are to throw a man down into my mines, but, believe me, if ever any one comes up again, it must cost the Almighty an errand from heaven to rescue him. I assure you, sir, that by the help of these subtle passages and intricate turnings, I keep my subjects enslaved with as little trouble to myself, as any master devil that ever ascended out of the bottomless pit. But, by the way, I am constantly employed in planning out fresh measures for the slaves to pursue. Oh! sir, the end will shew that I give ample demonstration of my fidelity to my royal grandfather Belzebub, of whom I hold my lands by fief.

INFID. My dear son, how it rejoiceth my aged heart to hear of your wise administration! However infatuated your foolish subjects may be, the great Impiator lacketh not craftiness. By you, my son, shall my name be perpetuated when I am dead and gone. For I must die, my child. As soon as the mighty angel shall sound the dead awakening trumpet, the great, the far-famed Infidelis must resign his breath. Yet be not you discouraged Impiator, for you shall live for ever. You know how I fostered you in my bosom, and endued you with qualifications to sit on the throne of Prophanity, where so successfully you reign. Permit me now to tell you that knowing that I must die, I have, like all other wise people, made my will, and for your encouragement I have appointed you, my son, with your uncle, Fastosus, your highly honoured brother Desperando, and your cousins Contumax,

and Discordans, the joint executors thereof, and sole heirs unto all my dominions and subjects, who at my decease are to be transported to the land of torment; there you shall reign in eternal triumph over them. Then it will be, and not before, that great Impiator shall arrive at the zenith of his glory.

IMP. I suppose so, sir; for I am told, that about that time the provinces of Civility, Formality, Presumption, Legality, and Hypocrisy, so famous in the empire of Fastosus, are all to be annexed to my dominions, which will then be very extensive, and the government of Prophanity very respectable.

INFID. I would ask you now, my son, for a description o those famous cantons you mentioned, but as affairs of importance call me hence, could not you favour me with an interview for this purpose to-morrow, precisely at twelve o'clock ? IMP. I will, sir. Fare you well.

DIALOGUE IV.

FASTOSUS AND AVARO.

BEING privy to the appointment betwixt Fastosus and Avaro, I took care to arrive in the valley time enough to hear all that passed; for now my business was left to shift for itself, and every thing gave place to the force of curiosity, which bore down like an inundation every thing before it. If my wife consulted me in anything I would answer "Fastosus." If my children told me of their progress at school, I would abruptly reply, "Horrida Vallis!" "When my journeymen, or apprentices talked to me about the shop business, my answer was, "the great Avaro." And if they said any thing about my good friend the parson, I would say, "Oh! the wonderful Infidelis!" In fact I could think about nothing but the devils in the valley. Therefore I took care to provide myself with every thing necessary, and away I went to the Vale of Horrors, and had not long been there ere I saw Fastosus and Avaro come travelling towards me. And thus they began their discourse.

AVAR. I am glad, very glad, sir, that you are here so soon. I was afraid that you would find much business at Paris, besides finishing my lady's robes.

FAST. I did find more than I expected, cousin, for I had sooner finished with the mantua-maker, than I was waited upon by a hatter, who begged to be informed, whether it was most gentee! to fix the loops of an hat an inch and half, or only one bare inch in depth, and whether a gentleman is most of a cavalier with his hat cocked in right angles, or with one obtuse and two acute

angles? Before I had well satisfied the hatter, in came a gentleman peruke maker, who humbly asked me whether a nobleman looks most like a hero when he has one, or when he has two curls bobbing over his ears. Provoked that the gentlemen me chanics should suppose I had nothing to do but to cock hats, and adjust wigs, I wrinkled my forehead into a most majestic frown, and made the following answer, "Get hence, thou sneaking cur. I have known a lord before now that had his ears so covered with tires of curls, that he could not hear the commands of his superiors. The brave princes Ferdinand and Frederic of Brunswick, and the noble marquis of Granby will soon break through all the redoubts of a barber's fortifications."* The words were no sooner out of my mouth; than I was sent for by his grace the d---e of C------ll, to inform him whether it was most graceful for a courtier to wear his hat with the front declining on the right or the left side of the brow. To whom I said, "Good my lord, you may soon resolve this difficulty, without seeking to the devil for advice; if your grace will only mark well to which side of the block the hats of the vulgar incline; then be sure to let the hats of the courtiers turn always contrary to the vulgar method." No sooner had I satisfied his grace, than L--s desired to know which was his best way to keep up his character, and support his dignity in Europe, on the loss of his dominions in America: for answer I referred him to good Mr. Maubert, of Brussels, who hath as good a hand at a dead lift, as if he had been bred a priest. And so, cousin, with no small difficulty I broke loose, and am come hither according to appointment.

AVAR. By what you say, honoured sir, I perceive that, wheresoever idleness prevails, it is not among us, for we have no rest day or night, but go about plotting the destruction of mankind.

For my own part, I assure you, I have had but little rest since I saw you last; and so very fond are mankind of my counsels, that I expect but very little rest for the time to come. You know I was going to secrete a bag of money in the Valley, when you and I met. This was no sooner done than I was waited on by a parson, who had his eyes upon a good living, with a view to receive directions about obtaining it. And he was followed by a tradesman who had a desire to make a profitable break of it; but begged directions how he might do it honourably; I referred him to the goddesses Perfidia and Fallacia for instructions, as they more immediately preside in that department. This honourable gentleman dispatched; I was attended by a certain curate, who having never had inclination nor opportunity to examine the canons of a certain church, came to consult me whether it was lawful to christen a child, if the parents had not money enough to pay the fees. I told him, by no means, for if you

This was wrote before the conclusion of the late war.

once begin to officiate gratis, you'll have enough of it, and the parson's trade will be worse than an attorney's clerkship. The gentleman took my advice, being determined to seek the good of the church and truly, because the mother had not two shillings and sixpence to pay the parson, she could not have her son made a child of God, and an heir of the kingdom of heaven.

FAST. Well but, cousin, is that matter of fact?

AVAR. Indeed, it is what actually happened, not five hundred miles from London bridge; and there is a certain gentleman alive who could avouch the truth of it if he thought proper.

Having dispatched the journeyman parson, I was sent for in all haste by my good friend the attorney. He, worthy gentleman has undertaken a cause, which he very well knows, can never be defended upon principles of honour and honesty; but his client is a rich man, can well bear fleecing, and therefore he could not in conscience put him aside. He knows exceeding well how to turn the rich man's cause to his own emolument, if he could but manage it so as not to injure his own credit. That was the perplexity which he was in, and what he begged me to clear up; said he within himself, "Can I but get this cause to depend in chancery for a few years, (which by the way is the highest point in law for a desperate cause) I shall gain some hundreds of pounds by it." As soon as he had done his duty to me, he very humbly laid the matter without reserve before me. "Then," said I,

my good sir, let not the suit disturb you, I will manage it both for your honour and profit, never fear me. Who is he that is employed against you?" To which he replied, "Oh! a very skilful man. No less a person than the great Mr. Falshood. Ă very eminent attorney indeed!"---" Come," said I, "let him be sent for:" this was done, and the Lawyer Falshood attended accordingly.

Being both seated in my client's great parlour, the good man addressed Mr. Falshood thus, "My best friend, Mr. Falshood, you and I are engaged as opponents in this suit; both of the gentlemen are resolute, and will bear a good deal of fleecing; you know what I mean, sir. Now all is as yet uncertain, and the issue will greatly depend upon the measures to be taken by you and me; I would therefore, good sir, that we make it certain if right take place, it will be speedily over, and we shall make bu a poor job of it, but if it is well managed, it may produce some hundreds a-piece. My advice is, sir, that it shall hang in chancery, like a poor man's soul in purgatory. What do you say, Mr. Falshood?”

Mr. Falshood replied, "It will never do, good sir. It will never do, to bring it to a speedy issue; that is certain. But I'll tell you what we will do. You know that you have the worst side of the cause, and if I act the part of an honest man, you will soon be obliged to give up: but I shall act the part of a skilful

lawyer, which will suit both of our purposes much better. I shall give you all the advantages that I can, in order to keep the cause depending, till the patience of our clients is quite exhausted, and they agree to put the matter at arbitration. As they are both men of resolution, by that time it will be a job worth gathering."

So having set the two worthy lawyers to drink a bottle to the good luck of it, I left them, took wing and came hither; but I can tell you, if I had not soared aloft I had not been here so soon, for I saw a great number of parsons, lawyers, and farmers watching for me; I gave them the slip, however, and artfully dropt my influences upon them. Surely they may allow their master sometimes to converse with his friends.

FAST. Ah! Avaro, when we subjected man to our powers, we planned out a great deal of employment for ourselves for so fond are they of us, that they will do nothing unless one or other of our fraternity preside over every action.

AVAR. Sir, if it would not be offensive to you, I should be glad to hear some account of your origin, and of the nature of your government?

FAST. Avaro; a spirit earth-born as you are, must be too grovelling in his genius to understand much of my history, dominion, and operations; otherwise, I would with all my heart favour you with the relation you desire.

AVAR. Well, sir, but I am willing to learn of you, if you will condescend to instruct me. However untractable I am among mankind, you shall find me teachable enough with you.

FAST. You promise fair, cousin. I love your submission, and therefore shall begin. Observe then, I am of high parentage, as well as of heroic deeds. I was born in heaven, cousin. It was there that Satan the great archangel begat me, upon himself; and as soon as I was begotten, I in return begat him; and the very moment I was begotten, I was brought forth, and instantly killed my father.

AVAR. Indeed, uncle, you start high. You told me that I could not understand you, and now I perceive the truth of it; for really I understand not one word of all you have said: I hope, sir, you will condescend to explain your parables.

FAST. Well, if you understand me not, I shall descend lower, though indeed, I hate to speak of my own affairs in a vulgar stile, so as to be understood by every petty spirit. But as you, Avaro, are of excellent use to my operations, I shall stand upon no distance, but avoid all ceremonies with you. Understand me then, when God Almighty had created all the hosts of heaven, every angel was perfectly pleased with his station; the most solid and joyous contentment reigned among, and united the etherial inhabitants, who were, in those days very numerous. No one so much as wished his station altered. No one thought himself

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