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ODE TO THE SUBLIME PORTE.

GREAT Sultan, how wise are thy state compositions !
And oh, above all, I admire that decree,
In which thou command'st that all she politicians
Shall forthwith be strangled and cast in the sea.

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"Tis my fortune to know a lean Benthamite spinster—
A maid, who her faith in old Jeremy puts;
Who talks, with a lisp, of the last new Westminster,'
And hopes you're delighted with Mill upon Gluts;'
Who tells you how clever one Mr. F-nbl-nque is,
How charming his Articles 'gainst the Nobility;-
And assures you, that even a gentleman's rank is,
In Jeremy's school, of no sort of utility.

To see her, ye Gods, a new Number devouring-
Art. 1, On the Needle's variations.' by Snip;

Art. 2, 'On the Bondage of Greece,' by John B-r-ng
(That eminent dealer in scribbling and scrip);

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Art. 3, Upon Fallacies,' Jeremy's own

(The chief fallacy being his hope to find readers);

Art. 4, Upon Honesty-author unknown;

Art. 5 (by the young Mr. M-), 'Hints to Breeders.'

Oh Sultan, oh Sultan, though oft for the bag

And the bowstring, like thee, I am tempted to call-
Though drowning's too good for each blue-stocking hag,
I would bag this she Benthamite first of them all!

Ay, and-lest she should ever again lift her head
From the watery bottom, her clack to renew,
As a clog, as a sinker, far better than lead,

I would hang round her neck her own darling Reviev

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If ever the sound of Marathon's name Bath fired thy blood, or flushed thy brow,

Lover of liberty, rouse thee now!'

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And still, as the premium higher went,
His ecstasy rose-so much per cent.
(As we see, in a glass that tells the
weather,

The heat and the silver rise together), And Liberty sung from the patriot's lip, The Benthamite, yawning, left his bed-While a voice from his pocket whispered Away to the Stock Exchange he sped,

'Scrip!'

The ghost of Miltiades came again ;He smiled, as the pale moon shines through rain,

For his soul was glad at that patriot

strain :

(And, poor dear ghost, how little he knew

The jobs and tricks of the Philhellene crew!)

'Blessings and thanks!' was all he said, Then melting away, like a night dream, fled!

The Benthamite hears-amazed that ghosts

Could be such fools—and away he posts, A patriot still! Ah no, ah noGoddess of Freedom, thy scrip is low, And, warm and fond as thy lovers are, Thou triest their passion when under par.

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morn

The Benthamite's ardour fast decays,,Nothing in doors, or out of doors, By turns he weeps, and swears, and

prays,

And wishes the d-1 had crescent and

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But endless Catholics and Corn!

Never was such a brace of pestsWhile Ministers, still worse than either,

Skilled but in feathering their nests, Bore us with both, and settle neither.

So addled in my cranium meet

Popery and Corn, that oft I doubt Whether, this year, 'twas bonded wheat Or bonded papists they let out.

Here landlords, here polemics, nail you,
Armed with all rubbish they can rake
Prices and texts at once assail you--

From Daniel these and those from
Jacob.

And when you sleep, with head still

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Oft, too, the Corn grows animate,

And a whole crop of heads appears, Like Papists, bearding Church and State

Themselves together by the ears!

While, leaders of the wheat, a row
Of Poppies, gaudily declaiming,
Like Counsellor O'Bric and Co.,

Stand forth, somniferously flaming!

In short, their torments never cease;
And oft I wish myself transferred off
To some far, lonely land of peace,
Where Corn or Papists ne'er were
heard of.

Oh waft me, Parry, to the Pole;

For-if my fate is to be chosen "Twixt bores and icebergs-on my soul, I'd rather, of the two, be frozen!

THE PERIWINKLES AND THE
LOCUSTS.

A SALMAG UNDIAN HYMN.

To Panurge was assigned the Lairdship of Salmagundi, which was yearly worth 6,789,106,789 ryals, besides the revenue of the Locusts and Periwinkles, amounting one year with another to the value of 2,425,768,' etc. etc.-Rabelais. 'HURRA! Hurra!' I heard them say, And they cheered and shouted all the

way,

As the Laird of Salmagundi went
To open in state his Parliament.

The Salmagundians once were rich,
Or thought they were-no matter
which-

For, every year, the Revenue1

From their periwinkles larger grew;
And their rulers, skilled in all the trick,
And legerdemain of arithmetic,
Knew how to place 1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 and 10,
Such various ways, behind, before,
That they made a unit seem a score,
And proved themselves most wealthy

men !

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But folks at length began to doubt
What all this conjuring was about;
For, every day, more deep in debt
They saw their wealthy rulers get :-
'Let's look (said they) the items
through,

And see if what we're told be true
Of our Periwinkle Revenue.'

But, lord, they found there wasn't a
tittle

For they gained by Periwinkles little,
Of truth in aught they heard before;

And lost by Locusts ten times more!
These Locusts are a lordly breed
Some Salmagundians love to feed.
Of all the beasts that ever were born,
Your Locust most delights in corn;
And though his body be but small,
To fatten him takes the devil and all!

Nor this the worst, for, direr still,
Alack, alack, and well-a-day!
Their Periwinkles-once the stay
And prop of the Salmagundian till—
For want of feeding, all fell ill!

And still, as they thinned and died
away,

The Locusts, ay, and the Locusts' Bill,
Grew fatter and fatter every day!

'Oh fie! oh fie!' was now the cry,
As they saw the gaudy show go by,
And the Laird of Salmagundi went
To open his Locust Parliament !

Accented as in Swift's line

'Not so a nation's revenues are paid,

A CASE OF LIBEL.

A CERTAIN old Sprite, who dwells

below

(Twere a libel, perhaps, to mention where),

Came up incog., some winters ago,

To try, for a change, the London air.

So well he looked, and dressed, and talked,

And hid his tail and his horns so handy,

You'd hardly have known him, as he walked,

From --, or any other Dandy.

(N.B.

His horns, they say, unscrew; So he has but to take them out of the socket,

And-just as some fine husbands do— Conveniently clap them into his pocket.)

In short, he looked extremely natty, And even contrived to his own great wonder

By dint of sundry scents from Gattie, To keep the sulphurous hogo under.

And so my gentleman hoofed about,

Unknown to all but a chosen few At White's and Crockford's, where, no doubt,

He had many post-obits falling due.

Alike a gamester and a wit,

At night he was seen with Crockford's crew;

At morn with learned dames would sit

So passed his time 'twixt black and blue.

Some wished to make him an M.P.;

But, finding W-lks was also one, he Was heard to say 'he'd be d-d if he Would ever sit in one house with Johnny.'

At length, as secrets travel fast,

And devils, whether he or she, Are sure to be found out at last,

The affair got wind most rapidly.

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to 've seen 'em,

As paw shook hand, and hand shook paw,

And 'twas 'Hail, good fellow, wel' met,' between 'em.

Straight an indictment was preferred
And much the Devil enjoyed the jest.
When, looking among the judges, he
heard

That, of all the batch, his own was
Best.

In vain Defendant proffered proof

That Plaintiff s self was the Father of Evil

Brought Hoby forth to swear to the hoof,

And Stultz to speak to the tail of the
Devil.

The Jury-saints, all snug and rich,

And readers of virtuous Sunday papers

Found for the Plaintiff; on hearing which

The Devil gave one of his loftiest capers

For oh, it was nuts to the father of lies (As this wily fiend is named in the Bible),

To find it settled by laws so wise, That the greater the truth, the worse the libel !

LITERARY ADVERTISEMENT.

WANTED-Authors of all-work, to job for the season,
No matter which party, so faithful to neither :-
Good hacks, who, if posed for a rhyme or a reason,
Can manage, like to do without either.

If in gaol, all the better for out-o'-door topics;
Your gaol is for travellers a charming retreat;
They can take a day's rule for a trip to the Tropics,
And sail round the world, at their ease, in the Fleet.

For Dramatists, too, the most useful of schools

They may study high life in the King's Bench community:
Aristotle could scarce keep them more within rules,

And of place they're at least taught to stick to the unity.

Any lady or gentleman come to an age

To have good Reminiscences' (threescore, or higher),
Will meet with encouragement-so much per page,
And the spelling and grammar both found by the buyer.
No matter with what their remembrance is stocked,
So they'll only remember the quantum desired ;—
Enough to fill handsomely Two Volumes, oct.,

Price twenty-four shillings, is all that's required.
They may treat us, like Kelly, with old jeux-d'esprits,
Like Reynolds, may boast of each mountebank frolic,
Or kindly inform us, like Madame Genlis,1

That gingerbread cakes always give them the colic.
There's nothing at present so popular growing

As your Autobiographers-fortunate elves,
Who manage to know all the best people going,
Without having ever been heard of themselves!

Wanted, also, a new stock of Pamphlets on Corn,

·་

By Farmers' and 'Landholders'-(gemmen, whose lands
Enclosed all in bow-pots, their attics adorn,

Or whose share of the soil may be seen on their hands).

No-Popery Sermons, in ever so dull a vein,

Sure of a market;-should they, too, who pen 'em,
Be renegade Papists, like Murtagh O'S-ll-v-n, 2
Something extra allowed for the additional venom.

Funds, Physic, Corn, Poetry, Boxing, Romance,
All excellent subjects for turning a penny;-
To write upon all is an author's sole chance
For attaining, at last, the least knowledge of any.

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