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The Pleader's Guide.
• His clothes were spoil'd, and life despair'd
To all these counts the plea I find,
Is son assault, and issue's join'd
The story told on this record. sible, whom the author really in
This fray was at a feast or revel,
At Toadland, on the Bedford level,
With Mr. Coot who keeps the ferry.
Wherever John-a-Gudgeon goes,
Unask'd, it seems, had gain'd admission;
And Gudgeon, with much approbation,
Flourish'd his knuckles in derision,
And with much prompiness or decision,
Began to pummel and belabour
The shoit ribs of his peaceful neighbour ;
But first with tweaks assail'd his nose,
And interspers'd said tweaks with blows:
To other (weak like tweak aforesaid
Than the forbearing and well-judging,
Discreet, and gentle John-a-Gucgeon;
Better received at all your races,
Was alderman, and mayor elect;
For sheriff, which important station • First count's "for that' with divers jugs, He gain'd without solicitation, * To wit, twelve pots, twelve cups, twelve No doubt his lordship recognizes mugs,
The coat he had un at assizes, Of certain vulgar drink called toddy, A velveret, genicel and neat, • Said Gull did sluice said Gudgeon's body; With tabby lin’d, and frogs complete, • The second count's, for other toddy, Made for Squire Gudgeon's wedding ball, Cast, flung or huil'd on Gudgeon's body; When first he came to Webtoot hall, To wit, his gold-lac'd hat and hair on, An antient seat in the Isle of Ely, • And clothes which he had then and there Where all the Gudgeons live genteely, on;
Which coat so trimın'd, so frog'd, said Gull • To wit, twelve jackets, twelve surtouts, Did spoil, besmear, and disannul, • Twelve pantaloons, twelve pair of boots, With the most villanous libations • Which did thereby much discompose
Of the most vile of vile potations ; • Said Gudgeon's mouth, eyes, ears, and For proofs, we'll call Gull's wortly friend, nose,
Who keeps a school at Toadland's end, * Back, belly, neck, thighs, feet, and toes, One Simon Trout, a pious pastor,
And Dr, Tench, who spread the plaister,
And farmer Chubb, an honest yeoman, Middlesex”—This being an election Who speaks the truth and cares for no man; ffray, the venue is supposed to have been But above all, to prove our case, hanged upon the usual affidavit, for the sake We'll show you Mr. Gudgeon's face, La more fair and impartial trial before a Where ev'ry injur'd feature pleads Hiddlesex jury.
'Gainst John-a-Gull's atrocious deeds ;
What facts, what species of excuse, contrary practice is so often observ. My brother Bure'um will produce,
able in youth, which, if not checked What case he'll make, and how maintain
in time, seldoin fails to introduce a His plea of son assault demesne,
false and crooked disposition of heart, Wise as he looks, you may rely on't,
a disposition which is the very bane He knows no more than his own client;
of all virtue, and one of the greatest 'Tis for you, gentlemen, to say What damage John-a-Gull shall pay;
pests of society. Youth should re'Tis in your wisdom, gentlemen, to pull
member, that God hears as well as So wide the purse-strings of this factious
sees * and knows, and that not a sinGull,
gle word escapes his tongue, but it is That he no more may triumph and parade recorded for or against the speaker, The streets of Cambridge in a blue cockade, in the volume of the great account Singing the praises of a British jury, froin which he will be judged. From the Pig-market to the Petty-Cury; “i Falsehood is of such a vile, low But back to Toadland as he bends his way, nature, that it ought to excite horror Whoe'er beholds him to his friend may say, in the breast of every ingenuous Mark, how the Jury have rever'd the laws, Giv’n the justo judgment in the Gudgeon be hated and despised; it is the surest
youth: it requires only to be seen to cause, Taught the proud Gull to sing an humbler mark of an abject mind, and robs one strain,
of the very dignity of a man, and the And sent him waddling to his bogs again." character of a gentleman.
“On the contrary, truth and sincerity are always admired and ap
plauded, as the proof of a soul truly CXXIII. MENTOR; or the Moral great, too conscious of its own dig
Conductor of Youth from the Academy nity to use any of the little tricks of 10 Manhood. A Work, the result of of mind are naturally associated in
falsehood. Honour and nobleness actual but painful Experience, candidly stated, and usefully adapted to
our ideas with openness and veracity; the Level of youthful Understanding;
and infamy and littleness of soul, being a Sequel to the Art of Teaching, with dissimulation and falsehood. or communicating Instruction, and di- “ To lie, to the prejudice of others, gested on the same Principle. To argues malice and villany; to lic in which is added, as an Incitement to
excuse of ourselves, guilt, meanness, che Study of it in grown Youth, during and cowardice; both ways, a design their Hours of Relaxation from Busi
to delude with false representations xess, an Essay on the extensive of things, and to benefit ourselves by Uility, Advantages, and Amusement the deceit. Now, however artfully of Mathematical Learning. By Da- we may carry on this practice for a VID MORRICE, 3.vo.
while, in the end it is always disco
vered, and it is hardly to be imaginHIS work contains six chapters ed what infinite contempt is the con
divided into sections, and the sequence : nay, the more plausibly Essay mentioned in the title.
we have conducted our fallacies beChap: 1. Consists of two sections, fore, the more severely shall we be containing introductory observations censured afterwards: from that moand admonitions. This chapter con
ment we lose all trust, all credit, all cludes with a sketch of the author's society; for men avoid a liar as a life, and states the misery he has ex- common enemy truth itself, in his perienced as the effects of vice. In- mouth, loses its dignity, being always forming the reader of his sincere re- su pected, and often disbelieved.pentance, and his having conquered This I have found, from fatal and hard the Syren Vice, he proceeds to
experience, to be the inevitable and Chap. II. Sect. 1. of the fear of sure effects of swerving from the
2. Of speaking the truth. 3. Of truth: and however extraordinary it dishonesty and connivance.
may appear, it is a fact, that falseFrom the second section we select hood is born with many of us; and, the following remarks. “ A STRICT
from the corruption of our nature, is REGARD FOR TRUTH, however, it actually inherent in the moral conis our first duty to impress upon our * He that formed the ear, shall he not minds; and it is the more to be re- hear? He that planted the eye, shall he not commended by the moralist, as the see? Isaich.
stitution of our depraved mind. I tion of LORD Paget's, IV ho- should need not, I suppose, observe to you, put the king's bond in suit, in case he that the natural constitution relates to 1respassed on the condition turned the the body, and the moral to the mind." tide at once, and the proposal was P. 40, 41.
rejected, I think, unanimously.“ If therefore, O young man! you public transactions may be soineare enamoured with the beauties of times applied to privale; never en. truth, and have fixed your heart on ter into articles, therelore, but where the simplicity of her charms, hold there is a reasonable prospect fast your fidelity to her, and forsake covering the penalty." P. 124, 125. her not : the constancy of your vir Chap. VI. Sect. 1. Of friendship tue will crown you with honour, you and the choice of friends...quith some will support, as a man, the dignity of observations on the bad consequences of your character, scorning to stoop to unlawful connections with the female the arts of hypocrisy.
sex. 2 Of unlawful Inve, seduction, “ To the hypocrite and liar, the and early marriage. 3. of respect, EASTERN MORALIST aptly says, - gratitude, and attention to parents; bu• O fool, fool! the pains which thou manity and kindness to individuals, and • takest to hide what thou art, are love for our counıry. more than would make thee what An essay on the extensive utility, • thou wouldst seem ; and the chil- advantages, and amusements of maa
dren of wisdom shall mock at thy thematical learning. • cunning, when in the midst of secu
rity, thy disguise is stripped off, and the finger of derision shall point • thee to scoro'. p. 43.
CXXIV. Essay ON IRISH Bulls. Chap. III. Seci. . Of preserving
By R. L. EDGWORTH, and MARIA a good character. 9. Of avoiding
EDGWORTH, 12mo. debi, 3. Of temperance in pleasure, and moderating the affections ; of fruga. TH
HE following are the contents lity in expences, and diligence in busi- of this whinsical publication.
Vulgar Errours-Etymology of an Chap. IV. Sect. 1. Of company and Irish Bull uncertaio-Originality of dissipation. 2. Of gaming, and plays Irish Bulls disputed-Irish Newsof hazard in general. 3. Of public papers-The Criminal Law of Bulls places, and other recreation.
and Blunders- Little Dominick-The Chap. V. Sect. I. Of the proper em
Bliss of Ignorance-Thoughts that ploymcnt of time, and its value ; and de- breathe, and Words that burn-Pracvoting the hours of relaxation from busi- tical Bulls—The Dublin Shoeblack ness to useful objects. 2. Of the knowledge - The Hibernian Mendicanı- Irish of the world, with suitable maxims and Wit and Eloquence–The Brogueadvice. 3. Of maintaining an inde- Bath Coach Conversation - The pendant spirit of thinking and acting Irish Incognito-Conclusion. for yourself; and persevering in the line As a specimen of this farrago se of business you are originally brought up give the following extract from the
chapter on “ Irish newspapers," as In the second section, on the to- one of least exceptionable, some of pic, safest to deal with those on your them bordering on profaneness. own level,' is the following anecdote. “ The first advertisement that “ A remarkable instance of this hap. meets our eye is promising. pened in the case of Philip, King of “ It is the late proclamation of an Spain, husband of the English Queen Irish mayor, in which we are informMary, who demanded the guardian- ed, that certain business is to be ship of her heir, if she should have transacted in that city 'erery Monone, with certain places of strength day, (Easter Sunday only exceptto confirm his authority, offering at ed).' This seems rather an unne. the same time his bond to deliver cessary exception ; but it is not an up his trust, in case the child should inadvertency, caused by an hurry of die immediately. But when the business in his worship, it is delibehouse, out of false complaisance to rately copied from a precedent set in the throne, was on the point of agree, England, by a baronet formerly wel ing to the proposal, an unlucky queso known in parliament, who, in the
preamble to a bill, proposed, that being many hundred yards. The certain regulations should take place whole lands being now in great * on every Monday (Tuesday ex- heart, and completely laid down, *cepted.)' We fear also, that an entirely surrounded and divided by English mayor has been known to impenetrable furze ditches, made of blunder.—Some years ago
mayor • quarried stone, laid edgeways." of a capital English city published a * It will be a matter of difficulty to proclamation and advertisement, pre. the untravelled English reader, to vious to the races, that no gentle. comprehend how furze ditches can 'man will be allowed to ride on the be made of quarried stones laid edgecourse, but the horses that are to ways, or any way; and we fear that
run.' 'A mayor's blundering, pro- we should only puzzle his intellects clamation is not, however, worth half still more, if we should attempt to so much in the eye of ridicule, as a explain to him the mysteries of Irish lord lieutenant's.
ditching in the technical terms of the country.
With the face of a “A saint in crape is twice a saint in lawn.'
ditch he may be acquainted, but to “A bull on the throne is worth twice the back and gripe, and bottom of 23 much as a bull in the chair. the gripe, and top of the back of a
ditch, we fear he is still to be intro** By the lord lieutenant and coun- duced. cil of Ireland.
“ We can never sufficiently admire
these furze ditches made of quarried * A proclamation.
stones, they can, indeed, be found ****
only in Ireland : but we have heard ** Whereas the greatest economy in England of things almost as is necessary in the consumption of extraordinary. Dr. Grey, in * all species of grain, and, especially, erudite and entertaining notes on ' in the consumption of potatoes, &c. Iludibras, records the deposition of a
**Given at the council chamber lawyer, who in an action of battery in Dublin.'
told the judge, that the defendant " This is the first time we have • beat his client with a certain woodbeen informed, by authority, that en instrument called an iron pestle.' potatoes are a species of grain ; bụt Nay to go further still, a wise anno. we must accede to this new bota- tator on the Pentateuch, named Pe. Dical arrangement, when published ter Harrison, observed of Moses's under such splendid auspices. The two tables of stone, that they were assertion, certainly, is not made in made of shiitim wood.
The stone distinct terms, but all who under- furze ditches are scarcely bolder instand the construction of language stances of the catachresis, than the must imply the conclusion, that we stone tables of shittim wood. This draw from these premises. A gene- bold figure of rhetoric in an Irish ral position is in the first member of advertisement of an estate may lead the sentence laid down, that the us to expect, that Hibernian advergreatest economy is necessary in the tisers may, in time, emulate the fame consumption of all species of grain.' of Christie, the prince of auctioneers, A particular exemplication of the whose fine descriptive powers can principle is made in the next clause- make more of an estate on paper, especially in the consumption of than ever was made of it in, any * potatoes.'
other shape, except in the form of an " The inference is as plain as can ejectment. The fictions of law, inbe made.
deed, surpass even the auctioneer's “The next article in our news. imagination; and a man may be said paper, is an advertisement of lands to never to know the extent of his own se let to an improving tenant :- A possessions, until he is served with a few miles from Cork, in a most process of ejectment. He then finds Sporting country, bounded by an himself required to give up the posuncommon fine turf bog, on the session of a multitude of barns, orverge of which there are a number chards, fish - ponds, horse - ponds, Jor hne lime kilns, where that ma. dwelling-houses, pigeon-houses, dove mure may be had on very moderate cotes, out-houses, and appurtenances, terms, the distance for carriage not which he never saw or beard of, and VOL.I.
which are no where to be found upon “ Let not any conscientious person the surface of the habitable globe: be startled at the mode of reasoning, so that we cannot really express this by which we bave convicted an ima. English legal transaction, without ginary Irish waiter of a real bull; being guilty of an Irish bull, and it is at least as good, if not better saying, that the person ejected is logic, than that which was successousted from places which he never fully employed in the time of the entered.
popish plot, to convict
an Irish phy"To proceed with our newspapers. sician of forgery. The matter is - The next advertisement is from a 'thus recorded by l’Estrange. The school-master : but we shall not des. Irish physician' was charged with cant upon its grammatical errors, • writing a treasonable libel, but de. because they are not blunders pecu- nied the thing, and appealed to liar to Irish school-masters. We the unlikeness of the characters. have frequently observed, that the • It was agreed, they said, that there advertisements of school · masters, was no resemblance at all in the even in England, are seldom free bands; but they asserted that the from solecisms: too much care in doctor had two hands, his physic writing, it seems, is almost as bad as hand and his plot hard, and the too little. In the preface of the dice one not a jot like the other. Now tionary of the French academy, this was the doctor's plot hand, and there are, as it is computed by an • they insisted upon it, that because able French critic, no less than six it was not like one of his hands, it teen faults; and in Harris, the cele must be like the other.' brated grammarian's dedication of “ By this convenient mode of rea. his Hermes, there is one bull, and soning, an Irishman may at any time almost as many faults as lines. It be convicted of any crime, or of any appears as if the most precise and absurdity. learned writers sometimes, like the “ But what have we next in our Jadies in one of Congreve's plays, newspaper Murder, robbery, and * run into the danger to avoid the reward.'-This seems a strange con• apprehension.'
nection of things, according to our After a careful scrutiny of the Hi- vulgar notions of distributive justice; bernian advertisements, we are com- but we are told that the wicked shall pelled to confess, that we have not have their reward even in this world, met with any blunders that more and we suppose it is upon this princinearly resemble our notion of an ple that over the stocks in a town Irish bull than one which some years in Ireland there appears this inago appeared in our English papers. scription-'A reward for vagaIt was the title to an advertisement bonds.' of a washing machine, in these words “Upon proceeding further in our - Every man his own washerwo- advertisement, which begins with
man!' To come down to the pre- murder, robbery, and reward,' we sent times; an eye witness assures find, however, that contrary to the ns, that last summer he saw an adver- just expectations raised by the title, tisement in the following terms, stuck the reward is promised not to the up on the wall of an English coffee, robbers and murderers, but to these house-- This coffee-house removed who shall discover and prosecut: sup stairs !'
them to conviction. Here we ser * A Roman emperor used to draw led into error by that hasty mode his stairs up after him every night elision, which sometimes obtains y 'into his bed-chamber, but drawing the titles even of our English law fi a whole house up into itself is cesses; as, sci-fa, fi-fa, qui-tam, & new.
names which, to preserve the glor “ How can we account for such a uncertainty of the law, never refe:'. blunder in an English advertisment, the sense, but to the first words of except by supposing that it was pen. ned by some Irish waiter? If that were the case it would be an admi. rable example of an Irish bull; and, therefore, we had best take it for granted.