So equal the motion-so gentle, though fleet-
It, in short, such a light and salubrious scamper is,
That take whom you please—take old L―s D—x-

H-T,

I feel the' inquiries in your letter

·

found them,

That, let me but rattle the Monarch well down them,
The fiend, Indigestion, would fly far away,
And the regicide lampreys 2 be foil'd of their prey!

Such, DICK, are the classical sports that content us, Till five o'clock brings on that hour so momentous, 3

That epoch

Who ev'n in French, would have his trope, And talk of “bâtir un systême

66

Schneider,

And, curse him, has made the stays three inches wider

Too wide by an inch and a half- what a Guy!
But, no matter-'twill all be set right by-and-by.
As we've MASSINOT's + eloquent carte to eat still up.
An inch and a half's but a trifle to fill up.
So-not to lose time, DICK-here goes for the task;
Au revoir, my old boy-of the Gods I but ask,
That my life, like "the Leap of the German 5,"
may be,

"Du lit à la table, de la table au lit!"

1 A dish so indigestible, that a late novelist, at the end of his book, could imagine no more summary mode of getting rid of all his heroes and heroines than by a hearty supper of stewed lampreys.

2 They killed Henry 1. of England: -"a food (says Hume, gravely,) which always agreed better with his palate than his constitution."

Lampreys, indeed, seem to have been always a favourite dish with kings-whether from some congeniality between them and that fish, I know not; but Dio Cassius tells us that Pollio fattened his lampreys with human blood. St. Louis of France was particularly fond of them. See the anecdote of Thomas Aquinas eating up his majesty's lamprey, in a note upon Rabelais, liv. iii. chap. 2.

3 Had Mr. Bob's Dinner Epistle been inserted, I was prepared with an abundance of learned matter to illustrate it, for which, as, indeed, for all my "scientia popinæ a," I am in

And, if the schemes that fill thy breast

Could but a vent congenial seek, And use the tongue that suits them best, What charming Turkish wouldst thou speak! But as for me, a Frenchless grub,

At Congress never born to stammer, Nor learn like thee, my Lord, to snub Fall'n Monarchs, out of CHAMBAUD's grammarBless you, you do not, cannot know How far a little French will go; For all one's stock, one need but draw On some half-dozen words like theseComme ça-par-là-là-bas—ah ha!

They'll take you all through France with ease.

Your Lordship's praises of the scraps I sent you from my Journal lately, (Enveloping a few lac'd caps

For Lady C.) delight me greatly. Her flatt'ring speech-" what pretty things "One finds in Mr. FUDGE's pages!"

Is praise which (as some poet sings)
Would pay one for the toils of ages.

Thus flatter'd, I presume to send A few more extracts by a friend;

debted to a friend in the Dublin University, — whose reading formerly lay in the magic line; but, in consequence of the Provost's enlightened alarm at such studies, he has taken to the authors, "de re cibaria" instead; and has left Bodin, Remigius, Agrippa and his little dog Filiolus, for Apicius, Nonius, and that most learned and savoury jesuit, Bulzngerus. 4 A famous Restaurateur - now Dupont.

5 An old French saying; -"Faire le saut de l'Allemand, du lit à la table et de la table au lit."

6 The celebrated letter to Prince Hardenburgh (written, however, I believe, originally in English,) in which his Lordship, professing to see "no moral or political objection to the dismemberment of Saxony, denounced the unfortunate King as "not only the most devoted, but the most favoured of Bonaparte's vassals."

a Seneca.

And I should hope they'll be no less
Approv'd of than my last MS.-
The former ones, I fear, were creas'd,

AS BIDDY round the caps would pin them! But these will come to hand, at least Unrumpled, for there's nothing in them.

Extracts from Mr. Fudge's Journal, addressed to Lord C.

Aug. 10.

Went to the Mad-house-saw the man, I

The shop, the shears, the lace, and ribbon Would go, I doubt not, quite as glib on; And, vice versâ, take the pains

To give the P-CE the shopman's brains, One only change from thence would flow, Ribbons would not be wasted so.

'Twas thus I ponder'd on, my Lord; And, ev'n at night, when laid in bed, I found myself, before I snor'd,

Thus chopping, swopping head for head, At length I thought, fantastic elf!

Of Discord here full riot ran,

He, like the rest, was guillotin'd ;

But that when, under BONEY's reign,

(A more discreet, though quite as strong one,) The heads were all restor❜d again,

He, in the scramble, got a wrong one. Accordingly, he still cries out

This strange head fits him most unpleasantly; And always runs, poor devil, about, Inquiring for his own incessantly!

While to his case a tear I dropt,

And saunter'd home, thought I-ye Gods! How many heads might thus be swopp'd,

And, after all, not make much odds!
For instance, there's V-s-TT-T's head-
("Tam carum 2" it may well be said)
If by some curious chance it came

To settle on BILL SOAMES's shoulders,
The' effect would turn out much the same
On all respectable cash-holders:
Except that while, in its new socket,

The head was planning schemes to win
A zig-zag way into one's pocket,

The hands would plunge directly in.

Good Viscount S-DM-H, too, instead
Of his own grave, respected head,
Might wear (for aught I see that bars)
Old Lady WILHELMINA FRUMP's —

So while the hand sign'd Circulars,

The head might lisp out, "What is trumps?"— The R-G-T's brains could we transfer To some robust man-milliner,

This extraordinary madman is, I believe, in the Bicêtre. He imagines, exactly as Mr. Fudge states it, that, when the heads of those who had been guillotined were restored, he by mistake got some other person's instead of his own.

2 Tam cari capitis. — HORAT.

3 A celebrated pickpocket.

4 The only change, if I recollect right, is the substitution of Hilies for bees. This war upon the bees is, of course, universal; "exitium misére apibus," like the angry nymphs in Virgil:- but may not new swarms arise out of the victims of Legitimacy yet?

'Twixt sleep and waking, one by one,

With various pericraniums saddled, At last I tried your Lordship's on,

And then I grew completely addledForgot all other heads, od rot 'em! And slept, and dreamt that I was— - BOTTOM.

Aug. 21.

Walk'd out with daughter BID-was shown
The house of Commons, and the Throne,
Whose velvet cushion's just the same +
NAPOLEON sat on-what a shame!
Oh, can we wonder, best of speechers,
When LOUIS seated thus we see,
That France's "fundamental features"
Are much the same they us'd to be?
However, God preserve the Throne,
And cushion too—and keep them free
From accidents, which have been known
To happen ev'n to Royalty! 5

Aug. 28.

Read, at a stall (for oft one pops
On something at these stalls and shops,
That does to quote, and gives one's Book
A classical and knowing look. —
Indeed I've found, in Latin, lately,
A course of stalls improves me greatly)—
'Twas thus I read, that, in the East,

A monarch's fat's a serious matter;
And once in ev'ry year, at least,

He's weigh'd-to see if he gets fatter: 6 Then, if a pound or two he be Increas'd, there's quite a jubilee !7

5 I am afraid that Mr. Fudge alludes here to a very awkward accident, which is well known to have happened to poor L―s le D—s—é, some years since, at one of the R-g-t's Fêtes. He was sitting next our gracious Queen at the time.

6"The third day of the Feast the King causeth himself to be weighed with great care.” — F. Bernier's Voyage to Surat, &c.

7 "I remember," says Bernier, "that all the Omrahs expressed great joy that the King weighed two pounds more now than the year preceding."- Another author tells us that

'Tis true, the Tyrant screen'd and hid

Letters, that C-RTW-T'S1 pen indites,

In which, with logical confusion, The Major like a Minor writes,

And never comes to a Conclusion : —
Lord S-M-RS' pamphlet-or his head-
(Ah, that were worth its weight in lead!)
Along with which we in may whip, sly,
The Speeches of Sir JOHN C-x H-PP-SLY;
That Baronet of many words,

Who loves so, in the House of Lords,
To whisper Bishops-and so nigh

Unto their wigs in whisp'ring goes,
That you may always know him by
A patch of powder on his nose !—

If this wo'n't do, we in must cram
The "Reasons" of Lord B-CK-GH-M;
(A Book his Lordship means to write,

Entitled "Reasons for my Ratting :")
Or, should these prove too small and light,
His r -p's a host- - we'll bundle that in!
And, still should all these masses fail
To turn the R-G-T's ponderous scale,

"Fatness, as well as a very large head, is considered, throughout India, as one of the most precious gifts of heaven. An enormous skull is absolutely revered, and the happy owner is looked up to as a superior being. To a Prince a joulter head is invaluable."- Oriental Field Sports.

1 Major Cartwright.

2 The name of the first worthy who set up the trade of informer at Rome (to whom our Olivers and Castleses ought to erect a statue) was Romanus Hispo; -"qui formam vitæ iniit, quam postea celebrem miseriæ temporum et audaciæ hominum fecerunt."- TACIT. Annal. i. 74.

3 They certainly possessed the same art of instigating their victims, which the Report of the Secret Committee attributes to Lord Sidmouth's agents: -"socius (says Tacitus of one

'Tis true the Peer is grave and glib At moral speeches-ditto TIB. 5 'Tis true, the feats the Tyrant did Were in his dotage-ditto SID.

So far, I own, the parallel

'Twixt TIB and SID goes vastly well;
But there are points in TIB that strike
My humble mind as much more like
Yourself, my dearest Lord, or him,

Of the' India Board-that soul of whim!
Like him, TIBERIUS lov'd his joke, 6

On matters, too, where few can bear one; E. g. a man, cut up, or broke

Upon the wheel—a devilish fair one!
Your common fractures, wounds, and fits,
Are nothing to such wholesale wits;
But, let the suff'rer gasp for life,

The joke is then worth any money;
And, if he writhe beneath a knife,-

Oh dear, that's something quite too funny. In this respect, my Lord, you see The Roman wag and ours agree:

of them) libidinum et necessitatum, quo pluribus indiciis inligaret."

4 "Neque tamen id Sereno noxæ fuit, quem odium publicum tutiorem faciebat. Nam ut quis districtior accusator velut sacrosanctus erat." Annal. lib. iv. 36. Or, as it s translated by Mr. Fudge's friend, Murphy: "This daring accuser had the curses of the people, and the protection of the Emperor. Informers, in proportion as they rose in guilt. became sacred characters."

5 Murphy even confers upon one of his speeches the epithet "constitutional." Mr. Fudge might have added to his parallel, that Tiberius was a good private character:-" egregium vità famâque quoad privatus."

6" Ludibria seriis permiscere solitus."

All done up, and spiflicated!
Ministers and all their vassals,

Down from C-TL-GH to CASTLES,—
Unless we can kick up a riot,
Ne'er can hope for peace or quiet!
What's to be done? - Spa-Fields was clever;
But even that brought gibes and mockings
Upon our heads-so, mem.—must never

Keep ammunition in old stockings;
For fear some wag should in his curst head
Take it to say our force was worsted.
Mem. too-when SID an army raises,
It must not be "incog." like Bayes's:
Nor must the General be a hobbling
Professor of the art of cobbling;
Lest men, who perpetrate such puns,
Should say, with Jacobinic grin,
He felt, from soleing Wellingtons, 2
A Wellington's great soul within!
Nor must an old Apothecary

Go take the Tower, for lack of pence, With (what these wags would call, so merry,) Physical force and phial-ence! No-no-no-our Plot, my Lord, must be Next time contriv'd more skilfully. John Bull, I grieve to say, is growing So troublesomely sharp and knowing, So wise-in short, so Jacobin'Tis monstrous hard to take him in.

And here's the mode occurs to me :-
As none of our Nobility,

Though for their own most gracious King
(They would kiss hands, or- - any thing),
Can be persuaded to go through
This farce-like trick of the Ko-tou;
And as these Mandarins wo'n't bend,

Without some mumming exhibition,
Suppose, my Lord, you were to send
GRIMALDI to them on a mission :
As Legate, JOE could play his part,
And if, in diplomatic art,
The "volto sciolto "3's meritorious,
Let JOE but grin, he has it, glorious!
A title for him's easily made;

And, by-the-by, one Christmas time,
If I remember right, he play'd

Lord MORLEY in some pantomime ;-4
As Earl of M-RL-Y then gazette him,
If t'other Earl of M-RL-y'll let him.
(And why should not the world be blest
With two such stars, for East and West?)
Then, when before the Yellow Screen

He's brought-and, sure, the very essence Of etiquette would be that scene

Of JOE in the Celestial Presence!He thus should say :-' "Duke Ho and Soo, "I'll play what tricks you please for you, "If you'll, in turn, but do for me "A few small tricks you now shall see. "If I consult your Emperor's liking, "At least you'll do the same for my King." He then should give them nine such grins, As would astound ev'n Mandarins; And throw such somersets before

The picture of King GEORGE (God bless him!) As, should Duke Ho but try them o'er, Would, by CONFUCIUS, much distress him!

I start this merely as a hint,

But think you'll find some wisdom in't;
And, should you follow up the job,
My son, my Lord (you know poor BOB),
Would in the suite be glad to go
And help his Excellency, JOE ;-
At least, like noble АMH-RST's son,
The lad will do to practise on.5

maldi, but some very inferior performer, who played this part of "Lord Morley " in the pantomime,- so much to the horror of the distinguished Earl of that name. The expostulary letters of the Noble Earl to Mr. H-rr-s, upon this vulgar

field.

4 Mr. Fudge is a little mistaken here. It was not Gri

time or other, be given to the world.

5 See Mr. Ellis's account of the Embassy.