a distressing sense of his own vileness, &c. On Tuesday, he expresses some relief. Wednesday he kept as a day of fasting and prayer, but in great distress. The three days next following, his melancholy continued, but in a less degree, and with intervals of comfort.*]

Lord's day, May 1. Was at Stockbridge to-day, In the forenoon had some relief and assistance, though not so much as usual. In the afternoon, felt poorly in body and soul; while preaching, I seemed to be rehearsing idle tales, without the least life, fervour, sense or comfort; and especially afterwards, at the sacrament, my soul was filled with confusion, and the utmost anguish that ever I endured, under the feeling of my inexpressible vileness and meanness. It was a most bitter and distressing season to me, from the view I had of my own heart, and the secret abominations that lurk there. I thought the eyes of all in the house were upon me, and I dared not look any one in the face; for it verily seemed as if they saw the vileness of my heart, and all the sins I had ever been guilty of. And if I had been banished from the presence of all mankind, never to be seen any more, or so much as thought of, still I should have been distressed with shame; and should have been ashamed to see the most barbarous people on earth, because I was viler, and seemingly more brutishly ignorant than they. "I am made to possess the sins of my youth."

Tuesday, May 10. Was in the same state of mind, that I have been in for some time, extremely pressed with a sense of guilt, pollution, blindness: "The iniquity of my heels have compassed me about; the sins of my youth have been set in order before me; they have gone over my head as a heavy burden, too heavy for me to bear.", Almost all the actions of my past life seem to be covered over with sin and guilt; and those of them that I performed in the most conscientious manner, now fill me with shame and confusion, so that I cannot hold up my face. Oh the pride, selfishness, hypocrisy, ignorance,

On the last of these days he wrote the first letter added at the end of this history.

bitterness, party zeal, and the want of love, candour, meekness and gentleness, that have attended my attempts to promote religion and virtue; and this when I have reason to hope I had real assistance from above, and some sweet intercourse with heaven. But, alas, what corrupt mixtures attended my best duties!

[The next seven days, his gloom and distress continued, for the most part: but he had some seasons of relief and spiritual comfort. He gives an account of his spending part of this time in hard labour, to build himself a little cottage to live in amongst the Indians, in which he might be by himself; having it seems hitherto lived with a poor Scotsman, as he observes in the letter just now referred to in the margin; and afterwards, before his own house was habitable, he lived in a wigwam among the Indians.]

Wednesday, May 18. My circumstances are such that I have no comfort of any kind, but what I have in God. I live in the most lonesome wilderness; have but one single person to converse with, that can speak English.* Most of the talk I hear, is either Highland-Scotch or Indian. I have no fellow-Christian to whom I might unbosom myself, and lay open my spiritual sorrows; or with whom I might take sweet counsel in conversation about heavenly things, and join in social prayer. I live poorly with regard to the comforts of life: most of my diet consists of boiled corn, hasty-pudding, &c. I lodge on a bundle of straw, and my labour is hard and extremely difficult; and I have little appearance of success, to comfort me. The Indians' affairs are very difficult; having no land to live on but what the Dutch people lay claim to, and threaten to drive them off from; they have no regard to the souls of the poor Indians; and, by what I can learn, they hate me, because I come to preach to

This person was Mr Brainerd's interpreter; who was an ingenious young Indian belonging to Stockbridge, whose name was John Wauwaumpequunnaunt, who had been instructed in the Christian religion by Mr Sergeant; and had lived with the Rev. Mr Williams of Long-Meadow, and had been further instructed by him, at the charge of Mr Hollis of London; and understood both English and Indian very well, and wrote a good hand.

them.

But that which makes all my difficulties grievous to be borne, is, that God hides his face from me.

:

Thursday, May 19. Spent most of this day in close studies but was sometimes so distressed that I could think of nothing but my spiritual blindness, ignorance, pride, and misery. Oh, I have reason to make that prayer, “Lord, forgive my sins of youth, and former trespasses!"

Friday, May 20. Was much perplexed, some part of the day; but towards night, had some comfortable meditations on Is. xl. 1, and enjoyed some sweetness in prayer. Afterwards my soul rose so far above the deep waters, that I dared to rejoice in God: I saw there was sufficient matter of consolation in the blessed God.

[Monday, May 30, he set out on a journey to NewJersey, to consult the Commissioners that employed him about the affairs of his mission;* performed his journey thither in four days, and arrived at Mr Burr's in Newark on Thursday. In great part of his journey he was in the depths of melancholy, under like distresses with those already mentioned. On Friday, he rode to ElizabethTown; and on Saturday to New-York; and from thence on his way homewards as far as White-Plains, where he spent the Sabbath, and had considerable degrees of divine consolation and assistance in public services. On Monday, he rode about sixty miles to New-Haven. There he attempted a reconciliation with the authority of the college, and spent this week in visiting his friends in those parts. In his journey homewards, till Saturday, he enjoyed a comfortable frame of mind. On Saturday, in his way from Stockbridge to Kaunaumeek, he was lost in the woods, and lay all night in the open air: but happily found his way in the morning, and came to his Indians on Lord's day, June 12, and had greater assistance in preaching among them than ever before.

From this time forward he was the subject of various

* His business with the commissioners now was, to obtain orders from them to set up a school among the Indians of Kaunaumeek, and that his interpreter might be appointed the schoolmaster; which was accordingly done.

frames and exercises of mind: but it seems, in the general, to have been with him much after the same manner as it had been hitherto from his first coming to Kaunaumeek, till he got into his own house, a little hut which he made chiefly with his own hands, and which cost him near seven weeks hard labour. Great part of this time he was dejected and depressed with melancholy, and sometimes extremely so. How it was with him in those dark seasons, he himself further describes in his diary.]

July 2. My soul is, and has for a long time been in a piteous condition, wading through a series of sorrows of various kinds. I have been so crushed down sometimes with a sense of my meanness and infinite unworthiness, that I have been ashamed that any, even the meanest of my fellow-creatures, should so much as spend a thought about me, and have wished while travelling among the thick, brakes, like one of them to drop into everlasting oblivion. In this case, sometimes, I have almost resolved never again to see any of my acquaintance; and really thought I could not do it and hold up my face; and have longed for the remotest region, for a retreat from all my friends, that I might not be seen or heard of any more. Sometimes the consideration of my ignorance has been a means of my great distress and anxiety; and especially my soul has been in anguish with fear, shame and guilt, that ever I had preached, or had any thought that way. Sometimes my soul has been in distress on feeling some particular corruptions rise and swell like a mighty torrent, with present violence; having at the same time ten thousand former sins and follies presented to view, in all their blackness and aggravations. And these attended with such external circumstances as mine at present are; destitute of most of the conveniencies of life, and I may say, of all the pleasures of it; without a friend to communicate any of my sorrows to, and sometimes without any place of retirement, where I may unburden my soul before God, have greatly contributed to my distress. Of late more especially my great difficulty has been a sort of carelessness, a kind of regardless temper of mind, whence I have been disposed to

indolence and trifling: and this temper has constantly been attended with guilt and shame; so that sometimes I have been in a kind of horror, to find myself so unlike the blessed God, and have thought I grew worse under all my trials; and nothing has cut and wounded my soul more than this. Oh, if I am one of God's chosen, as I trust through infinite grace I am, I find of a truth, that the righteous are scarcely saved.

[It is apparent that one main occasion of that distressing gloominess of mind with which he was so much exercised at Kaunaumeek, was reflection on his past errors and misguided zeal at college, in the beginning of the late religious commotions in the land. Hence he repeated his endeavours this year for reconciliation with the governors of the college, whom he had at that time offended. Although he had been at New-Haven, in June this year, and had attempted a reconciliation, as has been men.. tioned already; yet in the beginning of July, he made another journey thither, and renewed his attempt, but still in vain.]

July 25. Had little or no resolution for a life of holiness; was ready almost to renounce my hopes of living to God. And oh how dark it looked, to think of being unholy for ever! This I could not endure. The cry of my soul was that Psal. lxv. 3. Iniquities prevail against me. But was in some measure relieved by a comfortable meditation on God's eternity, that he never had a beginning, &c. Whence I was led to admire his greatness and power in such a manner, that I stood still and praised the Lord for his own glories and perfections; though I was (and if I should for ever be) an unholy creature, my soul was comforted to apprehend an eternal, infinite, powerful and holy God.

Saturday, July 30. Just at night, moved into my own house, and lodged there that night; found it much bet ter spending the time alone in my own house, than in the wigwam where I was before.

Lord's day, July 31. Felt more comfortably than some days, past. Blessed be the Lord who has now given me a place of retirement: oh that I might find God in it, and that he would dwell with me for ever!