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awake in thy likeness ;" but never, never before : and consequently I am engaged to “ press towards the mark,” day by day. Oh that I may feel this continual hunger, and not be retarded, but rather animated by every cluster from Canaan, to reach forward in the narrow way, for the full enjoyment and possession of the heavenly inheritance. May I never loiter in my heavenly journey!
[These insatiable desires after God and holiness continued the two next days, with a great sense of his own exceeding unworthiness, and the nothingness of the things of this world.]
Lord's day, November 7. At Millington. It seemed as if one so unholy could never arrive at that blessedness, to be “holy, as God is holy. At noon, I longed for sanctification, and conformity to God; oh that is THE ALL, THE ALL! The Lord help me to press forward.
Monday, November 8. Towards night, enjoyed much in secret prayer, so that my soul longed for an arrival in the heavenly country, the blessed paradise of God. Through divine goodness, I have scarcely seen the day for these two months, but death has appeared so pleasant to me at one time or other of the day, that I could have rejoiced the present should be my last, notwithstanding my pressing inward trials and conflicts : and I trust the Lord will finally make me more than a conqueror, so that I shall be able to use that triumphant language, “ Dh death, where is thy sting !" And, “ Oh grave, where is thy victory !”
( Within the next ten days, the following things are expressed : longing and striving to be holy, and to live to God; a desire that every single thought might be for him; feeling guilty, that his thoughts were no more swallowed up in God; great solemnity and calmness of mind, submission and resignation; great weanedness from the world, abasement in the dust, grief at some vain conversation that was observed ; sweetness from time to time in secret prayer, and in conversing and praying with Christian friends. And every day, he appears to have been much engaged in the great business of religion and living to God, without interruption.]
Friday, November 19. At New Haven. Received a letter from the Rev. Mr Pemberton of New-York, desiring me speedily to go down thither, and consult about the Indian affairs in those parts, and to meet certain gentlemen there that were intrusted with those affairs. My mind was instantly seized with concern; so I retired with two or three Christian friends, and prayed. It was a sweet time; I was enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with God; and taking leave of friends, I rode to Ripton, and was comforted in an opportunity to see and converse with dear Mr Mills.
[In the four following days, he was sometimes oppressed with the weight of that great affair, about which Mr Pemberton had written to him ; but was enabled from time to time to “ cast his burden on the Lord,” and commit himself and all his concerns to him. He continued still in a sense of the excellency of holiness, and longings after it, and earnest desires of the advancement of Christ's kingdom in the world ; and had from time to time much comfort in meditation and prayer. ]
Wednesday, November 24. Came to New-York; felt still much concerned about the importance of my business; put up many earnest requests to God for help and direction; was confused with the noise and tumult of the city; enjoyed but little time alone with God, but my soul longed after himn.
Thursday, November 25. Spent much time in prayer and supplication : was examined by some gentlemen relative to my Christian experience; my acquaintance with divinity, and some other studies ; in order to my improvement in that important affair of evangelizing the Heathen. * I was made sensible of my great ignorance and unfitness for public service : I had the most abasing thoughts of myself, and appeared to myself the most wretched creature that ever lived : it hurt me and pained my very heart, that any body should shew me any respect. Alas! I thought, how sadly they are deceived in me; how miserably would they be disappointed, if they knew my inside!
* The gentlemen that examined Mr Brainerd, were the Correspondents in New York, New Jersey, and Pensylvania, of the honourable Society in Scotland for Propagating Christian Knowledge; to whom was committed the management of their affairs in those parts, and who were now met at New York.
Oh my heart! And in this depressed condition I was forced to go and preach to a considerable assembly, before some grave and learned ministers; and felt such a pressure from a sense of my vileness, ignorance, and unfitness to appear in public, that I was almost overcome with it. My soul was grieved for the con
gregation, that they should sit to hear such a one as I preach ; I thought myself infinitely indebted to the people, and longed that God would reward them with the blessings of his grace. I spent much of the evening alone.
From the time of his examination by the Correspondents of
the Society for Propagating Christian Knowledge, and being appointed their Missionary, to his first entrance on the business of his mission among the Indians at Kaunaumeek, A. D. 1742.
FRIDAY, November 26. Håd still a sense of my great unworthiness, and endeavoured as much as I could to keep alone. Oh, what a nothing, what dust and ashes am 1!- Enjoyed some peace and comfort in spreading my complaints before the God of all grace.
Saturday, November 27. Committed my soul to God with some degree of comfort ; left New-York about nine in the morning; came away with a distressing sense still of my unspeakable depravity: Surely I may well love all my brethren; for none of them all is so vile as I ; whatever they do outwardly, yet it seems to me none is
conscious of so much guilt before God. Oh my leanness, my barrenness, my carnality, and past bitterness, and want of a gospel-temper! These things oppress my soul. Rode from New-York, thirty miles, to White Plains, and most of the way continued lifting up my heart to God for mercy and purifying grace; and spent the evening much dejected in spirit.
[The three next days he continued in this frame, entertaining a great sense of his own vileness, attended with an evident mixture of melancholy, in no small degree; but had some intervals of comfort, and God's sen. sible presence with him.]
Wednesday, December 1. My soul breathed after God, in spiritual and longing desires of conformity to him; was brought to rest itself and all on his rich grace, and felt strength and encouragement to do or suffer any thing that divine providence should allot me. - Rode about twenty miles from Stratfield to Newton.
[Within the space of the next nine days, he went a journey from Newton to Haddam, his native town; and after staying there some days, returned again into the western part of Connecticut, and came to Southbury. In his account of the frames and exercises of his mind, during this space of time, are such things as these ; frequent turns of dejection, a sense of his vileness, emptiness, and an unfathomable abyss of desperate wickedness in his heart, attended with a conviction that he had never seen but littļe pf it; bitterly mourning over his barrenness, being greatly grieved that he could not live to God, to whom he owed his all ten thousand times, crying out, “ My leanness, my leanness !” a sense of the meetness and suitableness of his lying in the dust beneath God's feet; feryency and ardour in prayer ; longing to live to God; a being afflicted with some impertinent trifling conversation that he heard; but enjoying much in Christian conversation.]
Saturday, December 11. Conversed with a dear friend, to whom I had thought of giving a liberal education, and being at the whole charge of it, that he might be fitted
for the gospel-ministry. * I acquainted him with my thoughts in that matter, and so left him to consider of it, till I should see him again. Then I rode to Bethlehem, and so came to Mr Bellamy's lodgings ; spent the evening with him in sweet conversation and prayer: we recommended the important concern before mentioned (of sending my friend to college) unto the God of all grace.. Blessed be the Lord for this evening's opportunity together.
Lord's Day, December 12. In the morning, I felt as if I had little or no power either to pray or preach, and had a distressing need of divine help. I went to meeting trembling ; but it pleased God to assist me in prayer and sermon: I think my soul scarcely ever penetrated so far into the immaterial world, in any one prayer that ever I made, nor were my devotions ever so much refined, and free from gross conceptions and imaginations, framed. from beholding material objects. I preached with some pleasure, from Matth. vi. 33. “ But seek ye first the kingdom of God,” &c.; and in the afternoon from Rom. xv. 30. “And now I beseech you, brethren,” &c. There was much affection in the assembly. This has been a good Sabbath to me; and blessed be God I have reason to think that my religion is become more refined and spiritual, by means of my late inward conflicts.
Amen. May I always be willing that God should use his own methods with me.
* Mr Brainerd having now undertaken the business of a Missionary to the Indians, and expecting in a little time to leave his native country, to go among the savages, into the wilderness, far distant, and spend the remainder of his life among them, and having some estate left him by his father, and thinking he should have no occasion for it among them, (though afterwards, as he told me, he found himself mistaken,) he set himself to think which way he might spend it most to the glory of God; and no way presenting to his thoughts, wherein he could do more good with it, than by being at the charge of educating some young person for the ministry, who
appeared to be of good abilities and well disposed, he pitched upon this person here spoken of, to this end: who accordingly was soon put to learning; and Mr Brainerd continued to be at the charge of his education from year to year, so long as he (Mr Brainerd) lived, which was till this young man was carried through his third year in college.