ever to do any good in preaching; but blesses God for all dispensations of providence and grace; finding that by all, God, weaned him more from the world, and made him more resigned. The next ten days, he appears to have been for the most part under great degrees of melancholy, exceedingly dejected and discouraged: speaks of his being ready to give up all for lost, respecting the cause of Christ, and exceedingly longing to die: yet had some intervals of comfort, with special assistance and enlargement in the duties of religion, and in performing public services, and considerable success in them.] Thursday, September 30. Still very low in spirits, and did not know how to engage in any work or busi ness, especially to correct some disorders among Christians; felt as though I had no power to be faithful: However, towards noon, preached from Deut. viii. 2, and was enabled with freedom to reprove some things in Christian conduct, that I thought very unsuitable and irregular; insisted nearly two hours on this subject. [During this and the two following weeks, he passed through a variety of exercises: he was frequently dejected, and felt inward distresses, and sometimes sunk into the depths of melancholy. At these times he was not exercised about the state of his soul, with regard to the fa vour of God, and his interest in Christ, but about his own sinful infirmities, and unfitness for God's service. His mind appears sometimes extremely depressed and sunk with a sense of inexpressible unworthiness. But in the mean time, he speaks of many seasons of comfort and spiritual refreshment, wherein his heart was encouraged and strengthened in God, and happily resigned to his will; also of some seasons of very high degrees of spiritual consolation, and of his great longings after holiness and conformity to God; of his great fear of offending God, of his heart's being sweetly melted in religious duties, of his longing for the advancement of Christ's kingdom, and of his having at some times much assistance in preaching, and of remarkable effects on the auditory.] Lord's day, October 17. Had a considerable sense of my helplessness and inability; saw that I must be dependent on God for all I want, and especially when. I went to public worship. I found I could not speak a word for God without his special help and assistance: I went into the assembly trembling, as I frequently do, under a sense of my insufficiency to do any thing in the cause of God as I ought to do. But it pleased God to afford me much assistance, and there seemed to be a considerable effect on the hearers. In the evening, I felt a disposition to praise God for his goodness to me, espe cially that he had enabled me in some measure to be faithful. My soul rejoiced to think that I had thus performed the work of one day more, and was one day nearer my eternal, and (I trust) my heavenly home. Oh that I might be "faithful to the death, fulfilling as a hireling my day," till the shades of the evening of life shall free my soul from the toils of the day. This evening in secret prayer, I felt exceeding solemn, and such longing desires after deliverance from sin, and after conformity to God, as melted my heart. I longed to be "delivered from this body of death." I felt inward pleasing pain, that I could not be conformed to God entirely, fully and for ever. I scarcely ever preach without being first visited with inward conflicts and sore trials. Blessed be the Lord for these trials and distresses, as they are sent for my humbling. Monday, October 18. In the morning, felt some sweetness, but still pressed by inward trials. My life is a constant mixture of consolations and conflicts, and will be so till I arrive at the world of spirits. Tuesday, October 19. This morning and last night, felt a longing after holiness: my soul seemed so to reach towards the mark of perfect sanctity, that it was ready to break with longings. Wednesday, October 20. Exceedingly infirm in body, exercised with much pain, and very lifeless in divine things.-Felt a little revived in the evening. Thursday, October 21. Had a very deep sense of the vanity of the world, most of the day; felt little more regard to it, than if I had been to go into eternity the next hour. Through divine goodness, I felt very serious and solemn. Oh I love to live on the brink of eternity, in my views and meditations! This gives me a sweet and awful sense and apprehension of God and divine things, when I see myself as it were standing before the judgment seat of Christ. Friday, October 22. Uncommonly weaned from the world to-day: my soul delighted to be a stranger and pilgrim on the earth; I felt a disposition in me never to have any thing to do with this world. The character given of some of the ancient people of God, in Heb. xi, 13, was very pleasing to me: "They confessed that they were pilgrims and strangers on the earth," by their daily practice; and oh that I could always do so!--Spent considerable time in a pleasant grove, in prayer and meditation. It is sweet to be thus weaned from friends, and from myself, and dead to the present world, that so I may live wholly to and upon the blessed God. Saw myself little, low, and sinful. In the afternoon, preached at Bethlehem, from Deut. viii. 2, and felt comfortable both in prayer and preaching. God helped me to speak to the hearts of dear Christians. Blessed be the Lord for this season: I trust, they and I shall rejoice on this account to all eternity.- -Dear Mr Bellamy came in while I was offering the first prayer, (being returned home from a journey;) and after meeting we walked away together, and spent the evening in sweetly convers ing on divine things and praying together. We felt much tender love to each other, and retired to rest with our hearts in a serious frame. Saturday, October 23. Something perplexed and confused. Rode this day from Bethlehem to Simsbury. Lord's day, October 24. that I scarcely knew how to tures. Felt so vile and unworthy, converse with human crea In the Monday, October 25. At Turkey-Hills. evening enjoyed the divine presence in secret prayer. My soul "longed for God, for the living God:" enjoyed a sweet solemnity of spirit, and longing desire after the recovery of the divine image in my soul. "Then shall I be satisfied, when I awake in God's likeness," and never before. Tuesday, October 26. At West-Suffield. Underwent the most dreadful distresses, under a sense of my own unworthiness: it seemed to me, I deserved rather to be driven out of the place, than to have any body treat me with any kindness, or come to hear me preach. And verily my spirits were so depressed at this time, as well as at many others, that it was impossible I should treat immortal souls with faithfulness. I could not deal closely and faithfully with them, I felt so infinitely vile in myself. Oh, what dust and ashes I am, to think of preaching the gospel to others! Indeed I never can be faithful for one moment, but shall certainly "daub with untempered mortar," if God do not grant me special help. -In the evening I went to the meeting-house, and it seemed to me nearly as easy for one to rise out of the grave and preach, as for me. However, God afforded me some life and power, both in prayer and sermon : God was pleased to lift me up, and shew me that he could enable me to preach. Oh the wonderful goodness of God to so great a sinner! Returned to my quarters; enjoyed some fervency in prayer, and mourned that I could not live more to God. Wednesday, October 27. Spent the forenoon in prayer and meditation: was not a little concerned about preaching in the afternoon: felt exceedingly "without strength," and very helpless indeed. Went into the meeting-house, ashamed to see any come to hear such an unspeakably worthless creature. However, God enabled me to speak with clearness, power and pungency. But there was some noise and tumult in the assembly, that I did not well like. I endeavoured to bear public testimony against it with moderation and mildness through the cur rent of my discourse. In the evening, was enabled to be in some measure thankful and devoted to God. [The exercises of his mind, during the four next days, were very similar to those of the two days past, excepting intervals of considerable peace and consolation. The things expressed within the space of the three fol lowing days are such as these; some seasons of dejection, mourning for being so destitute of the exercises of grace, longing to be delivered from sin, pressing more after God; seasons of sweet consolation, precious and intimate converse with God in secret prayer, sweetness of Christian conversation, &c.- -Within this time he rode from Suffield to Eastbury, Hebron, and Lebanon.] Thursday, November 4. At Lebanon. Saw much of my nothingness most of this day: but felt concerned that I had no more sense of my insufficiency and unworthiness. Oh it is sweet lying in the dust! But it is distressing to feel in my soul the depth of corruption, which still remains in me. In the afternoon, had a sense of the sweetness of a strict, close, and constant devotedness to God, and my soul was comforted with divine consolations. I felt a pleasing, yet painful concern, lest I should spend some moments without God: oh may I always live to him. In the evening, was visited by some friends; spent the time in prayer, and such conversation as tended to our edification. It was a comfortable season to my soul: I felt an intense desire to spend every moment for God. God is unspeakably gracious to me continually: in times past, he has given me inexpressible delight in the performance of duty: but too frequently my soul has been ready to say, "Lord, it is good to be here;" and so to indulge sloth, while I have lived on my frames and feelings. But of late, God has been pleased to keep my soul hungry almost continually; so that I have been filled with a kind of pleasing pain. When I really enjoy God, I feel my desires of him the more insatiable, and my thirstings after holiness the more unquenchable; and the Lord will not allow me to feel as though I were fully supplied and satisfied, but keeps me still reaching forward; and I feel barren and empty, as though I could not live, without more of God in me; I feel ashamed and guilty before God. Oh I see, "the law is spiritual, but I am carnal." I do not, I cannot live to God. Oh for holiness; oh for more of God in my soul! Oh this pleasing pain! It makes my soul press after God; the language of it is, "Then shall I be satisfied, when I |
