vent-garden market, and learn what fruits are most out of season: lay in a stock of cherries and green-peas: bespeak glasses and china from the shops upon return: employ the lamplighter to decorate the rooms, and invite about twice the number of friends they will contain. Sow paragraphs in the newspapers, and disturb the neighbourhood till day-time.

APRIL. In this month give public breakfasts in the afternoon, and go to dinner about an hour after sun-set. Visit other peoples routs, wonder how they can do such things with an estate so dipt; and be very prolix in the account of your escapes from the poles of coaches. Reckon up the number of broken limbs and axle-trees, and walk home in the face of day through a violent shower, Count the colds caught; and read with astonishment in the newspapers the brilliancy of the rout, the hospitality of the mistress of the house, the plenty of all scarcities, and the amazing convenience of accommodation, and conviviality of the company.

MAY. This is a good month to marry: let the old folks make up matches, and the young ones accept them without farther delay. Plant Crim. Cons. and rail at the judges as a parcel of monkish ignoramuses who know nothing of

the world. Inquire of Christie what can be raised on the Essex estate. Take tickets for benefits, and give them to distant cousins, and your people in the housekeeper's room. Fill the parks on Sunday, and place blood-horses in curricles, that there may be no dearth of accidents.

JUNE. Prepare for the birth-day; consult often with milliners and mantua-makers; continue public breakfasts, and midnight dinners; think of leaving town; it begins to be horrible; wonder at the impertinence of tradesmen sending in bills of four, five, and six years old; and consider the propriety of another trip, to Paris.

JULY. The Parliament still obstinate; give fétes champêtre, and push on the breakfasts to evening; give balls before dinner, and go to bed next day. Begin to think in earnest of leaving town, but be not hasty in determining where to go; and least of all, to go to your own mansion in the country. Give hints of a new equipage, to dazzle the elegantes of Paris.

AUGUST. Visit Brighthelmstone, Cheltenham, Tunbridge, &c.; make small routs fit. for villages; get new acquaintances, and erect columns in the newspapers, to the memory of

your walks and rides, dinners and dances, dejeunes and petits soupers. Plant Crim. Cons. for the winter, and prepare to astonish the publick with some wonderful faux pas. SEPTEMBER. Visit Paris, and find every thing superior to Old England. Squeeze to see Buonaparte, and write home his height, and breadth, and the form of his mouth, nose, chin, and forehead: take particular notice of his eyes; and if he say nothing, make a neat reply for him. Visit the national museum and galleries, and admire every thing beyond all power of expression-but don't ask how any thing came there.

OCTOBER. As the weather becomes colder, throw off some part of the summer dress; visit Margate about the time the cits leave it; attempt public breakfasts and balloons, speculate on ass-races, and men jumping in sacks. Be out late at night, as colds caught now are more durable than at any other season. A few duels may be practised this month with great eclat, and it is a good time to eélope.

NOVEMBER. Retire for a few weeks to the family mansion, to recruit; inspect the accompts, and ways and means for the winter; fell the oaks, and plant mortgages for Brookes's. See what can be raised upon the stud, and

write to Tattersal. The weather being now very cold and bleak, finish the summer at Brighton.

DECEMBER. Come to town for a few days, if Parliament should meet : be present at Court, and at the division of the House; go directly into the country to spend Christmas with some friend, but as distant as possible from your own tenants. Plant causes, and fee counsel

for next term.

I may safely appeal to my readers, whether advice of this nature, varied according to circumstances, would not be more appropriate to the generality of the WORLD, than that perpetual care which Mr. Cardanus Rider advises us to take of our cabbages and our health; or those anxious precepts he delivers on the sowing of turnips and the eating of salt meat. Yet let it not be thought that I would wish to restrict our Astrologers entirely to the affairs of this lower world. They may still consult the stars, although for different purposes. They may still amuse the world by calculating a divorce, upon the same principles they calculate an eclipse; for the transit of Mercury, they may predict the fate of an embassy; and instead of comets threatening destruction, let them foretell the consequences of French

theatres erected in an English metropolis. As to terms, they may omit that article altogether, since the pleasurable world is resolved, to keep no terms; and instead of Saints' days, it would be a great improvement to decorate the kalendar with ladies' nights.

THE PROJECTOR. No 14.

"The soldier's witty on the sailor,
The barber drolls upon the taylor:
And he who makes the nation's wills,
Laughs at the doctor and his pills."

CAWTHORN.

January 1803.

IT is observable that while we are on many occasions complaining of the scarcity of some articles, either of necessity or luxury, and of the degeneracy of others, the topics of ridicule seem to be always on the increase. Whether things in themselves are become more ridicu lous, or whether mankind in general are now endowed with an extraordinary portion of wit,