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Fearing to trust the dubious stocks,
He ne'er invests his money there; And views with scorn the Landon docks,
Perched on his castle in the air.
Ye sun-burnt peasantry of Gaul,
Go prune your vines for Norfolk's lord, His jovial table welcomes all,
And laughing Plenty crowns his board.
Favourite of Bacchus! see him lay
His comrades senseless on the floor; And then march soberly away,
With bottles three-aye, sometimes four!
My skill in wines is quickly said,
I drink them but to make me merry; Claret and port alike are red,
Champaign is white, and so is sherry.
When, safe in port, the sailor spurns
The waves of the tumultuous sea; With higher joy my bosom burns,
When humble port is safe in me!
Grant me, ye powers, a middle state,
Remote from poverty and wealth, Above the poor, below the great,
A body and a mind in health.
And when old Time upon this head,
His snowy bounty shall impart, 0! grant that he may never spread,
Its freezing influence to my heart.
IRONY--FOR THE PORT FOLIO.
General rules of good breeding or Chesterfield burlesqued.
Notwithstanding the popularity of Junius and Gibbon, on this side of the At. lantic, and although few of our polite readers are unacquainted with the style of Swift, yet it most unacco
ccountably happens that the figure, called Irony, is almost always unintelligible to the natives. A paper elegantly written in this style is for the most part literally interpreted by the populace, who being, for the most part,, exceedingly doltish and dull themselves, have a very blunt perception of the sparkles of Wit, the fire of Faney, and the glories of Genius in other men. In fact the taste for wit and humour in America is extremely bad, and those agreeable qualities are, as Dr. Johnson would say, of very rare emergence in the wildernesses of this same western world. Whether it arises from the solemn stupidity of most of our institutions; whether it arises from our partiality to the savage life; whether it arises from the prevalence of fanaticism and the dominion of Avarice, Meanness and Folly, certain it is, that through long epochs of a sort of Egyptian gloom, we sit looking, dismally, in each other's faces, inquiring in vain for Tha'fia and her laughing crew. The voice of Comedy is nothing but a dronish hum. Lampoon and satire are articles nearly as scarce as Castilian honour, and lord Falkland's patriotism; levity and irony are grossly misunderstood; the genius of Henry Fielding, of Dr. Arburthnot, of Colman, and Sheridan, shrinks away from our conventicles and our crowds; and there actually seems to be, sometimes, what Dr. Goldmith forcibly denominates a general combination in favour of Stupidity.*
Ifa man, with the principles of a cavalier, the simplicity of a child, and the wit of a man should chance to appear and emulate some of the great masters of song, his Muse is reviled, and his character calumniated; and the vis vivida animi, the ardour of the soul, and the enthusiasm of Fancy are pronounced to be the effects of intoxication! The madness of a wise man, says that charmer, Edmund Burke, charming ever so wisely; the madness of a wise man is better than the sobriety of fools; but for this species of insanity, not many grains of allowance are made by a people, who are themselves often distracted, and who, to adopt the ad. mirable allusion of the orator, while they are groping in darkness, and writhing in
* Pope, who had a sufficient contempt for the owls of his time, thus indignantdy describes this sort of supremacy.
ullness o all assumes her ancient right, Daughter of chaos and eternal Night, Fate, in their dotage, this fair idiot gave, Gross as her sire, and as her mother grave; Laborious, heavy, busy, bold and blind, She rules, in native anarchy the mind.
chains, imagine all the while, like other lunatics, that they are sovereigns, judges, and statesmen!
The ensuing sarcasms, the sportive sallies of man of genius, whose talents resemble those of the younger Colman will please the few, and will be understood by the cavaliers, the only party we are anxious to please. But they will be sufficiently unintelligible to the great vulgar and the small, whose minds we have neither the power, nor the inclination to illuminate.
Let the writer be unequivocally understood to make a decided exception in favour of the writers of Salmagundi in Newyork, and the Monthly Anthology in Boston.-EDITOR.
Nothing has a finer effect, or shows good breeding and discernment in a more forcible manner, than when you
have a stranger at table, to address your wife with, My dear, did you ever see such a likeness as that gentleman is to my cousin Simkins? If the stranger should be a young lady of amiable manners and delicate ideas, let your helpmate open the battery of comparisons; first by staring her out of countenance, and then exclaiming before the whole company, do you know, my dear, what I am thinking of? I never saw any person bear such a resemblance of one to the other, as that young lady docs to Nancy Towers, my unfortunate chambermaid, who was guilty of a fox paw with our journeyman, Bill Thompson.
be fond of music and have occasion to use your handkerchief, more especially if you indulge in snuff, trumpet your nostrils as loud as possible to the overture of Tokeli, or the march in Blue-Beard.
Instruments for cracking nuts are ridiculous; always make use of your teeth, aiding the operation, by placing your hands gracefully to your cheeks, at the same time distorting your countenance during the exertion.
If you have a party you wish to be very friendly to, heap their plates with viands, pile upon pile, similar to the tower of Babel; and cram the victuals down the people's throats, like an oath administered in a hurry at the custom-house; don't mind their elegant observations of-Indeed, ma'am, I cant bear it, I shall be quite sick; or By goles, cousin Thompson, we cant stand any more; wife and I be stuffed up to our chins.
When you are drinking a glass of wine, roll your eyes about the room over the brim of the glass, like a felon brought up by habeas corpus to a judge's chamber,
Humming a new tune, drumming with your fingers or knuckles has a very lively effect, during the dessert. If you can contrive now and then to break a decanter or wine glass the more agreeable. To loll on two chairs, while you are using your tooth pick, has a very careless and elegant appearance.
Some people very foolishly observe, that when carved for, it is but civil to take whatever is offered. No such thing! Always make a difficulty, saying you like some part better; it gives additional trouble, and, of course, shows the carver to better advantage.
To give any thing from your own plate to another, to eat of, shows great good nature, and amiableness of disposition, particularly if on the point of a fork, with which you have been picking your teeth. N. B. a fork is an excellent substitute for a tooth-pick.
Men and their wives recently married, squeezing hands, patting cheeks, ogling, and making love to each other at table, shows a frank temper, and warm and generous constitutions.
If you have favourite dogs or cats, let them be at large at dinner time, and keep them in such a state of voraciousness that they may be ready to run away with all the victuals.
Be sure to place your elbows on the table, like a church warden in a parish vestry.
If there be servants in the room, keep up a conversation with them, as—Ah, Tom, how do you do? What, you have left Mrs. Thingumbob; aye, aye, leave you alone to find out a good thing; got a snug place here I warrant you. All this serves to show you are not proud, but free and easy in your behaviour, and that you understand the art of being genteel and agreeable.
If you have acquired a fortune by trade and retired to your country seat, be sure to recollect your former familiar phrases while presiding at the table, viz. Come; fall to my łads and lasses; two hands in a dish and one in a purse--take the will for the deed; but I hope there's enough. One man's meat is another man's poison. It is better to pay the butcher than the doctor. These sprightly sallies are exceedingly original, inge. nious, brilliant and entertaining:
When you are summoned from the drawing room to the dining room, rush all together, like a mob at the pit door, to see Cooke or Kemble; there sit down promiscuously, no matter how, so that each gets opposite his favourite dish; this sometimes occasions inconvenience, but that signifies nothing, provided you gain your point.
Wiping your plate with a large piece of bread, so as to absorb the gravy is very genteel and elegant; also, to pour the gravy from the dish on your plate has a very accomplished air, as you may soon be convinced by dining with alderman Dunderhead.
Be extremely fastidious at dinner, to show the exquisiteness of your taste, now and then observing, particularly if such dishes be on the table:--I cant bear roast mutton: a turkey is very well, if it be tender; but I am sorry to say, not one in twenty proves so; and that before me, I'll be bound for it, will make my words good, &c.
ORIGINAL POETRY FOR THE PORT FOLIO.
HYMN.GLORY TO GOD.
To thee, PROTECTIVE God I owe,
of mind that seems to shine Is but a clouded gleam from thine.
The lust'red heavens present thy zone,
Poor, and unbless'd, not mine the power